Marrying a non-member

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• by
  • trgonzalez
  on Jun. 5, 2009 at 8:50 PM

• I grew up in a member/non-member home then married a non-member myself. Both my father and my husband are very understanding. The biggest problem my husband and I have (though not very big) is that I was inactive when I met him and about a month after we got married, I went active and started getting ready to go to the temple and my husband is waiting for me to "be fun" again. He does try to push a couple of issues every so often such as modesty ("Showing shoulders isn't immodest! If we have a little girl, she will wear tank tops...), keeping the Sabbath day holy (I will go to church with you if we can go out to breakfast or lunch later). I love my husband dearly and though our views on a few things differ, I would do it again. I do wish that he would be able to go to the temple with me though. I am slowly working on him by inviting the missionaries over for dinner, having him take my oldest to scouts, going to church activities...

  My mom used to leave the Ensign in the bathroom and when dad was in there for "prolonged periods of time" that's all he would have to read. He learned a lot from it and when people bashed the church at his work, he was able to correct them!

  For us, my husband corrects people occasionally but also still makes fun every so often. Very mildly though. He has a lot of friends in the Army (he is active duty) and they come over at least once a week. Because Julio isn't a member, and his buddies aren't, they drink and smoke, but they all know that I am Mormon and I have house rules about alcohol (no marked containers in front of the children) and they all respect them.

  I hope I helped a bit and if you have any more questions, feel free to msg me. Good luck. PS, my friend that is newly single is only dating active members to ensure being able to get married in the temple.

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• by
  • laceynelson
  on Jun. 5, 2009 at 9:49 PM

• I'm a lifetime member who has been inactive more than active.  I married a non member, and wouldn't change any part of it.  I also took in his two kids, we have all attended church.  Their are things we agree with and things we don't, but he thinks it's a good place for his kids to learn.

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• by
  • HBP1236
  on Jun. 5, 2009 at 9:58 PM

• My husband is a member but is semi active and disfellowshipped; if he keeps going the way he is, he will get excommunicated.

  If you really, really think that you can go without the insurance of both of you being on the same page, and you have *absolutely no expectations* of him changing his mind, and you don't care if he has beer with dinner and other lifestyle situations that are definitely NOT gospel oriented... then go for it.  I may sound a bit bitter, but I have dated guys who were non-members and they were disastrous.  It's very easy to slip and sleep with the person you are dating NO MATTER how strong your testimony may be.

  Of course, you may be different than me, but I just would never, ever date a non-member if I ever divorced/became widowed...  that person would be LDS and temple worthy!  I have learned my lesson.

  Of course, YMMV*.  Best wishes.

   

  *your mileage may vary

  

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• by
  • pkraft1103
  on Jun. 5, 2009 at 10:34 PM

• I am married to a non-member and truthfully we have no problems when it comes to my beliefs! We are expecting our third child and all of them will be raised in the church. He supports me on my decesions that I make. I would say my husband Tolerates the church. Esp when we have home teachers and visiting teachers come over. As for Having a beer if he wants one of smoking(which he is trying to quit0 that is not for me or anyone else to judge. He has his own beliefs! He was not raised with going to church. I know I am stong in my testiomoy that i can be marred to a non member and still have the gospel in my life. I feel like some LDS members look "down" on the ones married to a non member but you have look past that!

• 
• by
  • HBP1236
  on Jun. 5, 2009 at 10:51 PM

• 
  

  Quoting pkraft1103:
  
  

  I. I feel like some LDS members look "down" on the ones married to a non member but you have look past that!

  
  I don't know that I agree with that.  I think that maybe some judge, but then there are PLENTY of couples where one spouse is a non-member and just have huge struggles with their marriage, and the person outside of the marriage may be just wishing for that person that she had the priesthood in her home, rather than judging.  Of course, a temple marriage isn't a total guarantee of a great marriage, either.

  I sure wish I had the priesthood in my home.  I hate having to call someone to come over and give us a blessing...  but for those who are married to a non member person may just not mind at all.  I know if I'd married a non-member, at some point, I'd be wishing I had the priesthood in my home, and start to second-guess at some point, especially if there was alcohol and tobacco in the house.

  Maybe I do sound judgemental, but I've been through a lot and seen a LOT.  I just don't know how others do it.  I struggle on a daily basis with what I have.

  

• 
• by
  • pkraft1103
  on Jun. 5, 2009 at 11:05 PM

• 
  

  Quoting HBP1236:
  
  

   

  Quoting pkraft1103:
  
  

  I. I feel like some LDS members look "down" on the ones married to a non member but you have look past that!

  
  I don't know that I agree with that.  I think that maybe some judge, but then there are PLENTY of couples where one spouse is a non-member and just have huge struggles with their marriage, and the person outside of the marriage may be just wishing for that person that she had the priesthood in her home, rather than judging.  Of course, a temple marriage isn't a total guarantee of a great marriage, either.

  I sure wish I had the priesthood in my home.  I hate having to call someone to come over and give us a blessing...  but for those who are married to a non member person may just not mind at all.  I know if I'd married a non-member, at some point, I'd be wishing I had the priesthood in my home, and start to second-guess at some point, especially if there was alcohol and tobacco in the house.

  Maybe I do sound judgemental, but I've been through a lot and seen a LOT.  I just don't know how others do it.  I struggle on a daily basis with what I have.
  

  I don't feel like i am lacking anything by not having the priesthood in my home. I know if I ever needed a blessing for anything my bishop would give me one or even my step-dad do it there is always someone in the church that i could go to. We have had both alcohol and tabacco in my house at one point or another. While I will say this my hubby smokes outside when he was smokeing.  I have never second-guessed my marriage to my hubby and really don't think i ever wil. I know that we were meant to be so to speak and if I let those kind of things make me re-think my marriage then maybe i need to re-read my scrpitures and study a bit more.  While my past relationship really taught me a lot I would never change marrying a non member! Would i like for him to join one day?...Yes but i want it to be his decesion not me pushing it on him i don't think that would be fair.

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• by
  • ReesesPieces
  on Jun. 5, 2009 at 11:36 PM

• I married a member of the church in the temple and we were divorced 3 years later.  Now, I am married to a non-member and have never been happier.  There are good people who are members, and good people who are not members of the church, and if I've learned anything, you need to marry who is right for you - whether or not they are a member of the church. 

  In our relationship, my husband has been supportive of my involvement in the church.  He encouraged me to be re-baptised, he likes that the kids go to church, and he even goes.  It took a while but he came around.  There are the occasional fights on Sunday because we're both losing our religion trying to get the kids out the door for church.  We don't see eye to eye on a lot of things, but it's okay.  And the thing to remember is just because he's not a member right now, doesn't mean that he won't ever be.  You never know, you might be the catalyst to him finding the church.  It's something you can hope for, but don't push it on him.  I firmly believe that you can have a successful marriage with the right person, even if they aren't LDS.  And as you've seen in some examples, a temple marriage doesn't always end with happily ever after.  Follow your heart, pray a lot, get some blessings, and in the end if he is "the one" then Heavenly Father will provide a way.

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• by
  • laceysmom612
  on Jun. 5, 2009 at 11:39 PM

• Marrying a member doesn't insure happiness. I learned that the hard way. I think it's easier when 2 people are on the same page but if you find happiness with someone that loves and respects you, don't let it get away, ESPECIALLY if he's good with your kids. Maybe he'd be open to learning too. I'm no expert though. That's just my opinion.
  

• 
• by
  • laceysmom612
  on Jun. 5, 2009 at 11:43 PM

• 
  I felt like people looked down on me for being divorced. No matter where you go and what church you're in, people aren't perfect and there will always be people to make us feel low. Luckily, there's lots of supportive people as well. :)
  

  . I feel like some LDS members look "down" on the ones married to a non member but you have look past that!

  
  

  

• 
• by
  • lae26
  on Jun. 6, 2009 at 12:46 AM

• I am not married to a non-member, so I may not be able to give you much help from that perspective.  But, both DH and I were raised in part member homes where our mothers were married to our non-member fathers.  It was very, very rough on me as a YW knowing that I was not sealed to my family, and knowing that we did not have the priesthood in our home.  I was jealous of the kids who had father's interviews, or who could get blessings before school each year.  We missed out on FHE and family prayer or scripture study.  I was resentful.  It really effected me greatly.  Because of that, I knew that I never wanted that for my children, and I determined to only date members and aim for a temple marriage.  Now, both my father and DH's father joined the church in time, and both are now very active and wonderful priesthood holders.  Both sets of our parents have been sealed and both were present at our wedding.  So YES, it can work out wonderfully.  I just wouldn't wish it on my children having been there myself.

  

  
  

                                           
  

  
  

           "Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies."

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