Marrying a non-member

Replies:

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• by
  • marjebear
  on Jun. 6, 2009 at 2:00 AM

• I did both, my first husband was a non-member and my second husband is a member.  For myself, I can't believe that I thought that I could have a marriage like my parents with a non-member.  Yes, marrying a member is not a guarantee for happiness but neither is marrying a non-member and thinking that you can "carry the spiritual learning" in the home.  For me, this is what I needed and I wouldn't trade it for the world.  We're not perfect but I will never again sacrifice my relationship with HF for being "worldly".

  For the ladies that feel that others "look down at them" for non-traditional situations (divorce, non-member, etc,) let me propose this.  Is it really them acting that way or you knowing that things should or could be different?  I'm not judging but I know when I felt like other's were looking down at me, I learned that it was me thinking that because inside I knew that I wanted what they had and I should have it.

  But on the flip side, we have all seen or heard stories of men joining the church after marriage and it works when the member stands true and is a good missionary.  I will never forget that one of my sisters wanted a "good Mormon boy to marry her" but she wasn't living her life like she should, how could he become what she wasn't even willing to do for herself?  Just my thoughts.....

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• by
  • soccerchik8287
  on Jun. 6, 2009 at 10:40 AM

• My husband is technically a member, but he definitely does not live like he is or anything. He got baptized when we were 16 and was really into it, but over the past 5yrs with all the opposition his family has to the church he has slowly kind of lost his faith and really pulled away. He says he still believes in it all, it's just "too hard to live it." It has been super hard on our marriage. One thing that is kind of hard on me is I don't have anyone to talk to about the gospel. There'll be a great talk at church (and he hardly ever goes to church anymore because he works a lot of Sundays) and I'll be so excited about it and really want to share how good it was. So I come home and try to tell him and he doesn't even care. I always get a "uh yea that's great....." kind of answer. It's really disappointing and I really do feel like it stunts my growth in the gospel sometimes. It's also super hard for me to get my daughter ready every Sunday and just her and I go to church. If I did not have my family there to sit with I probably would not go. Especially with young children it's hard to get them to sit and concentrate when you have no support. It's very discouraging. There are many times when my hubby will make comments about other people in church and pretty much say things about how they are crazy and "too Mormon." It's sad. People who really put all of their efforts into living a good life and being good people don't deserve to be made fun of for it, you know? If I had the chance to go back in time, I wouldn't have married him when I did. We did get married in the temple, but shortly after is when things started going downhill. I wish I would have waited longer and at least seen if he really was interested in the church. For you knowing that he is not a member in the first place might make it easier, but for me it is disappointing thinking I was marrying someone who believed like I did and who cared about the gospel, and I almost feel blind sighted by him.

  My husband is not a bad guy, he is just not the good faithful husband I had always dreamed of having. I never would have imagined I'd be the more spiritually strong person in my marriage. I thought I'd have someone to lean on and to uplift me when I need it, and I don't. Almost everything I do for my spiritual strength is almost looked down on by him. He'll come home late from hanging out with friends and see me reading my scriptures and roll his eyes. We'll be at the store and I'll be trying to find modest clothes and he pulls out the super short shorts or skirt and says things like he doesn't mind looking at my legs why won't I wear that. It makes even the simplest things a lot harder than they should be.

  Another thing you might look at is how he is going to react to your beliefs. Is he going to insult them, or respect them? We live in AL and I have some very good friends who are Baptist, but we do not EVER talk about our religious beliefs. They have grown up hearing about how bad the Mormon church is and how untrue it is, and just can not accept the differences we have. Some people can talk about their differences respectfully but some people can't.  

• 
• by
  • pkraft1103
  on Jun. 6, 2009 at 10:58 AM

• 
  

  Quoting marjebear:
  
  

   

  For the ladies that feel that others "look down at them" for non-traditional situations (divorce, non-member, etc,) let me propose this.  Is it really them acting that way or you knowing that things should or could be different?  I'm not judging but I know when I felt like other's were looking down at me, I learned that it was me thinking that because inside I knew that I wanted what they had and I should have it.

  I kinda found this funny because in no way do i wish i had something else!  I really could careless in my hubby is a member or not to me it's not the end of the world if he isn't a member. I love him just the same.
  

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• by
  • mandyjh
  on Jun. 6, 2009 at 11:01 AM

• I married a non-member, and I would not change it for the world, yes we do sometimes get n arguments when we talk religion, because he is a big science guy, but always in the end he still admits that he believes in God and Jesus, He always tells my son the truth about why we celebrate Christmas and Easter, and we have  pictures og Jesus in our home, and books including the Bible, I definitely don't think that just because someone is not a member that makes then a bad person, My husband don't smoke or drink and never has. he doesnt even curse, he doesnt feel interested in joining the church, (right now, that could change) but he doesnt hate the LDS church, while he refuses to go to church with me on a normal day, so he calls it, he is willing to go when we have a close friend or family members blessing or fair well, and he was more than willing to get our son blessed in the church and was more then willing to be there, and even got teared up, my son was blessed by my Dad, and so will our next baby, and I am completely ok with that, and I always know and call my Dad when ever we need a priesthood blessing, and that is ok for me also, my DH is not a member of the church, but he is a good husband, a wonderful daddy, and just a good man. Most of his best friends are LDS actually.  And the first Fair well we went to was for His co worker, and friend, he was the one that came to me and said we were going to his fair well, of course i didn't refuse.

  My moms Aunt was married to a non-member who has passed now, but my mom told me a story when i was engaged to my husband, she said that her aunt was married for many happy years to her non-member DH, and one day as they were growing older, my aunt went to her bishop in a panic, crying she said "Me and my DH are not married in the temple, he is a good man, I love him. We are going to pass, and I am going to loose him." her bishop looked at her and said "Yes your DH is a good man, and God has seen this, He knows, and only God makes the decisions in the end, Don't worry you will be with him again." I took that to heart, and I know it is true only God can judge and he sees how good we are.

  so in the end its not whether he is a member or not, its if he is truly a good MAN. good luck hun and follow your heart.

  Mandy

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• by
  • krissyvelazquez
  on Jun. 6, 2009 at 11:11 AM

• I am married to a nonmember and he is actually okay about it.  He works on Sundays so he doesn't get to go to any church very often, but when he does have a Sunday off he is usually there with us.  He has never had any problems with me or the kids going to church and he is actually proud that we are there faithfully every Sunday.  He even follows many of ours beliefs.  He is catholic and instead of fighting me to have our kids christened he is okay with them being blessed/named in the church.  He also attends the activities that aren't on Sundays.  I know he has the idea that he is catholic, but he is only catholic because his mother and father are.  I pray everyday that he will believe the truthfulness of the gospel and will someday be baptized.

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• by
  • toady07
  on Jun. 6, 2009 at 11:22 AM

• I didn't read any of the replies so I will may repeat things and if I do I apologize. I am not nor have I been married to a non member. My first husband was a member on Sunday's for 3 hours and that was it - other than that he acted although he was not a member. It was hard on me becuase until we got married when ever we were togther he acted as if he was the perfect Peter Preisthood, then when we got married it was the real thing. I was raised in a part member home (I was the only member) although my family fully supported me in my decisions regarding the church (becoming a member, going to church and church activities, seminary, attending an LDS college instead of the U of W like they wanted me to, going on a mission and then getting married in the temple etc etc etc), I knew at times it was hard on them not being a part of some of those events. I looked forward to the day I would have the priesthood in my home, and then knowing my then husband was not worthy to use his priesthoold I felt like I really didn't.  We ending up divorcing and I met and married a wonderful man, although he is LDS is does not practice our religion. So basically I am married to a non member. I told him right off the bat that if he was not going to be active I was and I didn't expect him to go to church with me but I would really appreciate it. Although he does attend church with me sometimes he does support me in attending church and having ht's over, he really wants no part in being a member that's fine although I would love for him to change and become an active member of the church for many reasons (and yes I pray that his heart will be softened) esp now that I am preg and would love for us to be an eternal family but I'm not gonna hold my breath for it - he needs to change his mind and heart on his own all I can do is pray for him. My DH smokes, drinks coffee and alchol etc etc - but there are rules about that too. I also was engaged to a non member before my first husband - at one point I had asked him if he would come to church with me just to see what it was about and he flipped out on me - he was hoping to convert me to his religion. LOL needless to say that engagement ended that night. I love my dh with all my heart - although I would like him to soften his heart and change his mind about the church I know that he doesn't want to and I'm not going to pressure him to change - I love him the way he is and if (and when) he does then I will be screaming from mountain tops.

  My only words of advice is to make sure that he knows where you stand on things from the start. If you have read any of my posts you know that we got into "trouble" and I am now disfellowshipped working back towards full fellowship. Be strong don't allow yourself to comprimise your standards, (Like I did) Never forget to pray about what you have going on in your heart. Thank goodness the Lord loves us and knows what is best for us - I hope some of this makes sense and maybe helps. Rebecca

   

• 
• by
  • chocolatehottie
  on Jun. 30, 2009 at 3:21 PM

• Thanks, ladies. I read each of your responses and took something away from each one. I appreciate your openness and candor.

   One thing I'd like to add is that I told him that I would not be physical with anyone until marriage. It's a promise I made to myself. I, quite frankly, thought he would walk away. Sex is such a given in our culture now. And I'm sure it sounded really weird and uptight to him. But... he thought it was cool, he respects it. And agrees with it. So, yay!!! That's the one major thing with me that any man I am to be serious with has to understand.

  We are now in more serious "discussion" about marriage. So, who knows where it will go.

  Thanks again.

  ~Matthew McConaughey is my husband~

• 
• by
  • minelittleone
  on Jul. 1, 2009 at 6:18 PM

• My objective is not to offend anyone, but I''m going to risk it. I was really quite surprised at some of the responses.

  The whole point behind marrying a worthy member in the temple is to have an eternal marriage. No matter how wonderful a person a nonmember may be, he can't take you to eternity. A civil marriage only lasts for this life. We are taught this frequently. Prophet after prophet has counseled us to only date worthy members who can take us to the temple. All members may not be worthy, that's why we date!

  I never entertained the idea of dating a nonmember, because I always knew I wanted an eternal family and an eternal marriage. True, he might join the Church someday, what there is no guarantee. I'm not going to gamble with my eternity. I had a YW leader once who is married no a nonmember. They've been married 30+ years and he's still not at all interested in the Church. She's very lonely where spiritual things are concerned.

  Here's a quote from President Spencer W. Kimball:

  There will be a new spirit in Zion when the young women will say to their boyfriends, “If you cannot get a temple recommend, then I am not about to tie my life to you, even for mortality.” And the young returned missionary boys will say to their girl friends, “I am sorry, but as much as I love you, I will not marry out of the holy temple.”

  Let me note the brighter side. Some weeks ago I divided a stake. In the process of searching for a new president of each stake, I interviewed 29 men and found that all 29 had been sealed for eternity. They had 121 children, the average 4.3 children per family (or 6.3 persons per family). There was not a single divorce in the whole group; there were no broken homes in these 29 families. Every child of the 121 had two parents; neither death nor divorce had broken these homes. All of these 29 men were fairly well employed, fairly well housed; 43 of all the children were teenagers, but there were no serious problems among them, no drugs or drinking or smoking. Everyone was faithfully moving toward his exaltation.

  And so we wonder why, with all these blessings and promises, that people will fail to marry correctly and thus waste their lives in a frozen wilderness that may never thaw. Why will any young person ever give a single thought to a marriage out of the temple and jeopardize those glories that are available? Why would a person with a temple marriage think of divorce, of breaking up a family, or of immoralities and infidelities? Why, oh why?

  My beloved brothers and sisters, remember that I have explained these matters to you. Never can you say I did not warn you. Our young people are wonderful, with rich, glorious promises. The Lord loves you, we love you, and we want you to do right and enjoy the blessings that come with righteous living.

  We have confidence in you and promise you rich blessings and a happy life if you listen and study and pray and keep your life totally directed along the straight and narrow way outlined by our Lord, Jesus Christ.

  I'm sorry if I was blunt and if I hurt anyone's feelings, but it's right there in the teachings of the Church. We know what is expected of us and we know what is right. Let's not encourage each other in doing something contrary to what Heavenly Father would have us do.

• 
• by
  • sarebear31976
  on Jul. 2, 2009 at 7:28 PM

• 
  

  Quoting minelittleone:

  I never entertained the idea of dating a nonmember, because I always knew I wanted an eternal family and an eternal marriage. True, he might join the Church someday, what there is no guarantee. I'm not going to gamble with my eternity. I had a YW leader once who is married no a nonmember. They've been married 30+ years and he's still not at all interested in the Church. She's very lonely where spiritual things are concerned.

  Also, not to offend anyone, I think it is much easier to find a worthy temple reccommend holding man when you are young.  Single moms have a harder time.  One of my best friends is 40 and single and a 2 year convert.  She has gone as far  as 1100 miles to go on dates with LDS men because she is determined to only date members.  And most of them are not what they represented themselves to be.  It is hard to be a single person in their 30's and 40's and find a good  LDS man.   

  Sarah

  
  

  Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
  
  -Dr. Seuss

• 
• by
  • heavenis7
  on Jul. 2, 2009 at 8:56 PM

• 
  

  Quoting minelittleone:
  
  

  My objective is not to offend anyone, but I''m going to risk it. I was really quite surprised at some of the responses.

  The whole point behind marrying a worthy member in the temple is to have an eternal marriage. No matter how wonderful a person a nonmember may be, he can't take you to eternity. A civil marriage only lasts for this life. We are taught this frequently. Prophet after prophet has counseled us to only date worthy members who can take us to the temple. All members may not be worthy, that's why we date!

  I never entertained the idea of dating a nonmember, because I always knew I wanted an eternal family and an eternal marriage. True, he might join the Church someday, what there is no guarantee. I'm not going to gamble with my eternity. I had a YW leader once who is married no a nonmember. They've been married 30+ years and he's still not at all interested in the Church. She's very lonely where spiritual things are concerned.

  Here's a quote from President Spencer W. Kimball:

  There will be a new spirit in Zion when the young women will say to their boyfriends, “If you cannot get a temple recommend, then I am not about to tie my life to you, even for mortality.” And the young returned missionary boys will say to their girl friends, “I am sorry, but as much as I love you, I will not marry out of the holy temple.”

  
  

  Let me note the brighter side. Some weeks ago I divided a stake. In the process of searching for a new president of each stake, I interviewed 29 men and found that all 29 had been sealed for eternity. They had 121 children, the average 4.3 children per family (or 6.3 persons per family). There was not a single divorce in the whole group; there were no broken homes in these 29 families. Every child of the 121 had two parents; neither death nor divorce had broken these homes. All of these 29 men were fairly well employed, fairly well housed; 43 of all the children were teenagers, but there were no serious problems among them, no drugs or drinking or smoking. Everyone was faithfully moving toward his exaltation.

  
  

  And so we wonder why, with all these blessings and promises, that people will fail to marry correctly and thus waste their lives in a frozen wilderness that may never thaw. Why will any young person ever give a single thought to a marriage out of the temple and jeopardize those glories that are available? Why would a person with a temple marriage think of divorce, of breaking up a family, or of immoralities and infidelities? Why, oh why?

  
  

  My beloved brothers and sisters, remember that I have explained these matters to you. Never can you say I did not warn you. Our young people are wonderful, with rich, glorious promises. The Lord loves you, we love you, and we want you to do right and enjoy the blessings that come with righteous living.

  
  

  We have confidence in you and promise you rich blessings and a happy life if you listen and study and pray and keep your life totally directed along the straight and narrow way outlined by our Lord, Jesus Christ.

  I'm sorry if I was blunt and if I hurt anyone's feelings, but it's right there in the teachings of the Church. We know what is expected of us and we know what is right. Let's not encourage each other in doing something contrary to what Heavenly Father would have us do.

  Thank you for being bold enough to say this. I have wanted to express this since the first day this post showed up.

  I chose not to marry an inactive member whom I loved very very much but who could not take me to the temple. I instead married a returned missionary who could. We did not love eachother when we got engaged but knew through prayer and personal revelation that we should marry. WE have built a very happy successful marriage full of love, respect, passion, and understanding based on the foundation of a temple marriage. Our marraige is for eternity because of those temple covenants we made. If you do not make those covenants you WILL NOT be with your spouse for eternity as husband and wife. By chosing to marry someone outside the temple you chose to end your eternal progression. You can sugar coat it all you want but the prophets have told us and the doctorine doesn't change. If you chose to marry civily to a non member you have chosen your eternal destiny. The percentage of non member spouses being baptized and taking you to the temple is very very small. Aren't you worth way more than just a happy earthly marriage? Aren't you worth treating yourself like the Queen you will become by marrying inside the temple?
  

  
  

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