Marrying a non-member

Replies:

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• by
  • AngelPuff1012
  on Jul. 3, 2009 at 12:15 PM

• I just want to comment that I truly applaud those that are bold enough to quote men of God on this subject. Beware that you may get some nastiness sent your way.

  Of course I think we can all agree that being members of this church our testimonies are strong in eternal families, that is the basis of our doctrine and if you are a member who believes then this is your testimony. We all want to be in eternal marriages where both partners work hard to earn a celestial marriage. I am extremely sensitive to those who are part of an essential covenant such as an eternal marriage where the husband is not living up to his part. This situation saddens me and I am deeply sensitive to it because of how things went down in my parents marriage. I applaud the women in these situations for trying so hard to keep your covenant with the Lord and doing your part to follow the brethren counsel. How could we ever say it is okay to not have an eternal marriage? Yes it is true that non-members can still be good people and members can be bad people.  But don't fool yourself in saying you are okay with having a husband who is not a member and can't give you a temple marriage, when you  believe the church is true.
  

  "Government's first duty is to protect the people, not run their lives." -Ronald Reagan

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• by
  • MissRobn
  on Jul. 3, 2009 at 4:15 PM
• I have been following this post since it began, but haven't posted. I'm not married to a non-member. I was not a member when I married and my family later joined the church. We were sealed in the temple a year later.
  
  I am pretty confident in saying that if I had been a member in my dating years with the testimony I had when I got baptized, I would not have dated or married a non-member. I once broke up with the guy I loved because I could see alcoholism in his future. He wasn't a drunk or anything, but could not seem to refuse it when it was offered to him... and he couldn't seem to control how much he drank once he did start. I grew up as the child of an alcoholic and knew that I would never want that for any of my future children. I also didn't date people who had a last name that would sound horrible with my first name... why take the chance of falling in love with someone and have to go through life with a name like Robin Bird (seriously, I refused to date a guy with that last name even though I knew he was a super nice guy.)
  
  My daughter is dating and will probably become engaged to a non-member. This has been heartbreaking for me to watch. I know she loves him. I know he loves her. He's a good person. But he does not have the same dreams and moral standards that she does. He drinks and smokes. She has already given up on some vows she made to herself and her Heavenly Father. She broke up with him once because she knew that he could not marry her in the temple. She took him back when he promised he would give the gospel a "try". He tells her that although they won't be married in the temple at first, they will be sealed later. I think he may even believe this as he says it, but I hate to see my daughter gamble away her dream on "maybe someday".
  
  I am glad to hear that so many of you that are married to non-members do have happy marriages. It gives me hope that my daughter will be as blessed if she continues to follow her current path. I would never encourage my child to date a non-member because I know marriage is tough enough without that added to the difficulties.

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• by
  • chocolatehottie
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 12:58 AM

• 
  

  Quoting MissRobn:
  
   I also didn't date people who had a last name that would sound horrible with my first name... why take the chance of falling in love with someone and have to go through life with a name like Robin Bird (seriously, I refused to date a guy with that last name even though I knew he was a super nice guy.)
  
  

  
   

  I had a friend who had a friend who's name was Mary Little. And her married name was Lamb.

  ~Matthew McConaughey is my husband~

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• by
  • chocolatehottie
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 12:59 AM

• 
  

  Quoting AngelPuff1012:
  
  

  
  I appreciate your honesty.

  ~Matthew McConaughey is my husband~

• 
• by
  • chocolatehottie
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 1:00 AM

• 
  

  Quoting MissRobn:
  
  My daughter is dating and will probably become engaged to a non-member. This has been heartbreaking for me to watch. I know she loves him. I know he loves her. He's a good person. But he does not have the same dreams and moral standards that she does. He drinks and smokes. She has already given up on some vows she made to herself and her Heavenly Father. She broke up with him once because she knew that he could not marry her in the temple. She took him back when he promised he would give the gospel a "try". He tells her that although they won't be married in the temple at first, they will be sealed later. I think he may even believe this as he says it, but I hate to see my daughter gamble away her dream on "maybe someday".
  
  I am glad to hear that so many of you that are married to non-members do have happy marriages. It gives me hope that my daughter will be as blessed if she continues to follow her current path. I would never encourage my child to date a non-member because I know marriage is tough enough without that added to the difficulties.

  I agree 100% when it comes to my daughters, as well.
  

  ~Matthew McConaughey is my husband~

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• by
  • chocolatehottie
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 1:11 AM

• It is a hard thing to choose...to be a member and go outside the Church. I don't think anyone goes into it thinking it'll be easy or fun. I don't remember the last time anything occupied my thoughts as much. I go back and forth every day about it. Somedays I feel okay with it, other days I feel wistful.

  I definitely do not want anyone looking down on me for my choice. Or feeling sorry for me. It would be my choice and the right one for me. Something that I have spent many hours in prayer before embarking upon. I don't know anyone who would take such a huge thing lightly.

  I really dislike the attitude of people judging other or looking down upon their marriage or family by their fellow Church members. Those people need your support and love, not your criticism and the feeling that you are sorry that their little "for-life" marriage doesn't measure up to your (general you) much-acclaimed and esteemed Temple marriage. It's just one of lifes many choices that some choose a different path. You can never know what goes on behind closed doors or what is in someones mind and heart when it comes to marriage. We need to uphold and support marriage, whether it be in the Temple for eternity, or for mortal life. Marriage is hard enough without others belittling or judging yours.

  At least, there are people out there in the world willing to make such a public and strong commitment to another when there are so many who don't want to at all.

  ~Matthew McConaughey is my husband~

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• by
  • mommabea1913
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 1:52 AM

• 
  

  Quoting chocolatehottie:
  
  

  It is a hard thing to choose...to be a member and go outside the Church. I don't think anyone goes into it thinking it'll be easy or fun. I don't remember the last time anything occupied my thoughts as much. I go back and forth every day about it. Somedays I feel okay with it, other days I feel wistful.

  I definitely do not want anyone looking down on me for my choice. Or feeling sorry for me. It would be my choice and the right one for me. Something that I have spent many hours in prayer before embarking upon. I don't know anyone who would take such a huge thing lightly.

  I really dislike the attitude of people judging other or looking down upon their marriage or family by their fellow Church members. Those people need your support and love, not your criticism and the feeling that you are sorry that their little "for-life" marriage doesn't measure up to your (general you) much-acclaimed and esteemed Temple marriage. It's just one of lifes many choices that some choose a different path. You can never know what goes on behind closed doors or what is in someones mind and heart when it comes to marriage. We need to uphold and support marriage, whether it be in the Temple for eternity, or for mortal life. Marriage is hard enough without others belittling or judging yours.

  At least, there are people out there in the world willing to make such a public and strong commitment to another when there are so many who don't want to at all.

  I agree with you 100%!!! I'm married to a non-member, and while we have our differences(really, what marriage doesn't), I can't say that I regret one bit of it! Things are hard for us right now, but I def. didn't enter into my marriage lightly! I married him because I love him! In a perfect world, I would have married a member, but where I'm from, there aren't too many to choose from and the ones that were here only wanted to date the "perfect" type of girls. Needless to say, I wasn't one of them. I can understand where people are coming from in that we have been counseled as to what we should do, but we all have our free agency! I don't think it makes me any less of a good person just because I'm not married in the temple.
  

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• by
  • teekaroo
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 11:19 AM

• I think open communication is key, in any relationship, but especially with someone outside of the church.  That way they know exactly what to expect and can decide for themselves if they can handle it.  If you tell him "The LDS church is important to me and it will always be a part of my life.  Can you (the man) handle that?"  "I would like it if you would go to church with me, could you ever do that?"  I think men in general really need our expectations stated clearly.  I dated a lot of non-members in my day, but I made sure they knew exactly what my morals and my goals were and that I wouldn't change them, no matter what.  That alone weeded out a bunch of worthless guys.

  And missrobn, I think it was, who wrote about your daughter.  It's hard to watch your loved ones struggling with those choices.  If it is important to her to have a husband that matches her morals, does he know that he is expected to meet them?  Again, being up front about expectations..."I want a husband who doesn't smoke, or drink (or whatever), can you be that husband, or not?"  She has a right to expect it now, rather than waiting for "someday".  I found that if the man truely feels strongly about her and wants to be her husband, he can and will make himself worthy of her.

  I'm not married to a non-member, just dated lots,  and I realize this post is directed toward those that are, so take my words however you want.
  

• 
• by
  • hipmomto3
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 11:26 AM

• I haven't read all the replies :) but wanted to throw this in.

  I am a convert, my husband was raised in the church. So it's not personal experience. I joined the church 2 years before we were married.

  I live in Indiana, and there aren't as many members of the church out here as there are out west. Simple numbers - not a complaint! Unless our young men and women can get into one of the BYUs or other schools out west with lots of Mormons, their odds are greatly reduced of finding an active member of the church to marry. Those who remain in this part of the country, for whatever reason, are often faced with the dilemma of, date/marry a nonmember or remain single for their whole lives (I've seen both).

  I won't look down on anyone who chooses to marry a non-member, because living out here, I know how hard that can be to find. I believe that the Lord's admonition to multiply and replenish the earth remains in effect, and for some members of the church, through no fault of their own, the only way to do that is to marry a good person who is not (yet) a member of the Church.
  

• 
• by
  • HFBMOM
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 11:40 AM

• I'm a non-member, married to an inactive member for almost 22 years.  We go to church occasionally, raise our children to be good people and though I believe much of  what LDS offers, I was not raised with Jesus as a central figure in my life and don't feel lost without him.

  I think if you want to make it work, it can.
  

  Julie
  Enhancing Lives and Helping Moms Work from Home
  www.HealthyFamilyBiz.com

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