Marrying a non-member

Replies:

• 
• by
  • Amberfire82
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 11:43 AM

• I saw this post in the popular section and I felt I should reply, I hope I am not intruding too much.

  I am married to a member, but I am not a member and have no intentions on becoming one. We have been together for about 4 years, married for about 2 years and we have a 3 yr old son. My husband is not active in the church but he was raised in the church and his mother is a very active member. We have talked about it and I have learned a lot. I was raised Baptist (not southern baptist) and I am Christian, although we do not attend any church at this moment. That may change in the future, I would like my son to attend church and he does go to a Christian based daycare/preschool center.

  I just wanted to say that we are very happy and have no problems in our marriage.
  

  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

• 
• by
  • julipickle2
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 11:48 AM

• I'll try to make this short but sweet.

  I've dated plenty of really crappy members who would not have treated me or my children right.  I wouldn't (and didn't) marry them even though they could have taken me to the temple.
  

  I've been good friends with plenty of really great guys who were non members, but never considered dating them because they couldn't give me what I needed.

  I knew I needed to marry someone who could take me to the temple so our family could be sealed from day one.  I couldn't handle my children singing "Families Can Be Together Forever" in primary and having it not be true for our family, and my children asking me why.   My heart would sink into my stomach.

  Maybe I was and am young and naive and have unrealistic expectations, but God doesn't give us any commandment without providing us a way to fulfill it.
  

• 
• by
  • Amberfire82
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 11:55 AM

• I just wanted to add that temple marriages are not always perfect either. My inlaws were married and sealed in the temple, they were married for about 30 years and had 7 children. They divorced after their last child graduated high school, and my MIL married another LDS man. My FIL is still single and does not attend church anymore. My inlaws will not even be in the same room as each other, not even for something for their children. My FIL did not attend our wedding because MIL and her new husband were there.
  

  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

• 
• by
  • julipickle2
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 12:10 PM

• Honey, nothing is perfect.  Just because you are married in the temple doesn't guarantee things to be perfect, but it does guarantee an eternal family when the covenants are kept and that is what is important in marrying a member.  Yes, happiness is important too- but in my opinion you shouldn't have to sacrifice either of those.

  I'm sorry about your in-laws, but at least your husband is sealed to his parents.  I highly doubt that being married in the Temple is what caused them to get divorced.
  

  Quoting Amberfire82:
  
  

  I just wanted to add that temple marriages are not always perfect either. My inlaws were married and sealed in the temple, they were married for about 30 years and had 7 children. They divorced after their last child graduated high school, and my MIL married another LDS man. My FIL is still single and does not attend church anymore. My inlaws will not even be in the same room as each other, not even for something for their children. My FIL did not attend our wedding because MIL and her new husband were there.
  

  
  

• 
• by
  • AngelPuff1012
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 12:15 PM

• 
  

  Quoting julipickle2:
  
  

  I'll try to make this short but sweet.

  I've dated plenty of really crappy members who would not have treated me or my children right.  I wouldn't (and didn't) marry them even though they could have taken me to the temple.
  

  I've been good friends with plenty of really great guys who were non members, but never considered dating them because they couldn't give me what I needed.

  I knew I needed to marry someone who could take me to the temple so our family could be sealed from day one.  I couldn't handle my children singing "Families Can Be Together Forever" in primary and having it not be true for our family, and my children asking me why.   My heart would sink into my stomach.

  Maybe I was and am young and naive and have unrealistic expectations, but God doesn't give us any commandment without providing us a way to fulfill it.
  

  You are absolutely, positively NOT naive or unrealistic in the least! Being married and sealed in the temple for time AND eternity is a commandment from God to get us into his existence for eternity and to live the highest rewards of exaltation.

  Yes, temple marriages are not perfect - just as civil marriages are not perfect. It seems too obvious to even say it in my opinion. But just as a civil marriage needs work, so does a temple marriage! Just because you have made that special covenant does not mean you don't have to work for it. BOTH spouses need to work at a marriage in order for it to be what it should. In a temple marriage though, you have more reason to stay together and you have a greater understand of what the real meaning and purpose of marriage really is. If it were not for my temple marriage we would not be together. We have clung to our commitment to Heavenly Father during the worst moments in our marriage. We are stronger today than before because of our temple marriage and what we know it means to our family. Really, unless you have gone through the temple as a member of the church and participated in these sacred ordinances then you do NOT understand. Having a temple marriage break up is so much more devastating than a civil marriage breaking up, BECAUSE of what it means to our Heavenly Father's plan for us.
  

  "Government's first duty is to protect the people, not run their lives." -Ronald Reagan

• 
• by
  • Jambo4
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 12:44 PM

• 
  

  Quoting Amberfire82:
  

   

  Welcome to the group!  We appreciate your personal insight.

  I think that marriage.. no matter what the combination (same religion, different religion, etc), is under attack.  It's viewed as archaic, and repressive.  Think of all the pressure a couple is under from the outside?  No wonder there are so many failures.  I personally have been mocked for when they find out how long I have been married. (19 years).  There is no respect for marriage.. plain and simple
  

   Amber

• 
• by
  • SVGstarz
  on Jul. 5, 2009 at 10:58 PM

• 
  

  Quoting SVGstarz:
  
  

   

  Quoting julipickle2:
  
  

  I'll try to make this short but sweet.

  I've dated plenty of really crappy members who would not have treated me or my children right.  I wouldn't (and didn't) marry them even though they could have taken me to the temple.

  I've been good friends with plenty of really great guys who were non members, but never considered dating them because they couldn't give me what I needed.

  I knew I needed to marry someone who could take me to the temple so our family could be sealed from day one.  I couldn't handle my children singing "Families Can Be Together Forever" in primary and having it not be true for our family, and my children asking me why.   My heart would sink into my stomach.

  Maybe I was and am young and naive and have unrealistic expectations, but God doesn't give us any commandment without providing us a way to fulfill it.

   KUDDOS!!!!

  
  

• 
• by
  • SVGstarz
  on Jul. 6, 2009 at 12:04 AM

• 
  

  Quoting AngelPuff1012:
  
  

   

  Quoting julipickle2:
  
  

  I'll try to make this short but sweet.

  I've dated plenty of really crappy members who would not have treated me or my children right.  I wouldn't (and didn't) marry them even though they could have taken me to the temple.

  I've been good friends with plenty of really great guys who were non members, but never considered dating them because they couldn't give me what I needed.

  I knew I needed to marry someone who could take me to the temple so our family could be sealed from day one.  I couldn't handle my children singing "Families Can Be Together Forever" in primary and having it not be true for our family, and my children asking me why.   My heart would sink into my stomach.

  Maybe I was and am young and naive and have unrealistic expectations, but God doesn't give us any commandment without providing us a way to fulfill it.

  You are absolutely, positively NOT naive or unrealistic in the least! Being married and sealed in the temple for time AND eternity is a commandment from God to get us into his existence for eternity and to live the highest rewards of exaltation.

  Yes, temple marriages are not perfect - just as civil marriages are not perfect. It seems too obvious to even say it in my opinion. But just as a civil marriage needs work, so does a temple marriage! Just because you have made that special covenant does not mean you don't have to work for it. BOTH spouses need to work at a marriage in order for it to be what it should. In a temple marriage though, you have more reason to stay together and you have a greater understand of what the real meaning and purpose of marriage really is. If it were not for my temple marriage we would not be together. We have clung to our commitment to Heavenly Father during the worst moments in our marriage. We are stronger today than before because of our temple marriage and what we know it means to our family. Really, unless you have gone through the temple as a member of the church and participated in these sacred ordinances then you do NOT understand. Having a temple marriage break up is so much more devastating than a civil marriage breaking up, BECAUSE of what it means to our Heavenly Father's plan for us.

  I am replying to all posts, but in particluar to Anglepuff1012:

  I couldn't agree with you more!  HF has given this commandment to all, but especially members of the church.  It is not an  option, but a commandment.  We have our free agency, but we know what HF and our Savior expects of us.  I think the bottom line, if you will, is that we do all we can, to create eternal families.  HF knows the intentions of our heart and we will be judged on this as well as our doings or fulfilling commandments.  The saying goes, if you act like a duck.......then your a duck.  If your goal is an eternal marriage and family, then by all means, make it happen and live so it can happen.

  Now I am going to contradict myself somewhat.  I should be doing a separate post, but I would like to get Angelpuff "opinion".  I will try to make it brief, but it is a  v ery complicated situation. 
  I married a non member almost 23 years ago.  I was first attracted physically to him, but also felt VERY STRONGLY that I was to marry him despite him not being a member.  He cried openly to me the first week we were dating and told me he had been praying for God to help him change his life.  (he was raised southern baptist) Well, he met me and I am a life long active member.  He is a very good man and has always treated me well as far as physically,   financially and so forth.  We have always got along for the most part.  He converted after 7 yrs of marriage, mostly on his own, but with some prodding from me. 

  We have 4 children.  21 yr girl married to a RM in the temple for a yr now, an 18 yr girl just graduated HS, a 16.5 yr boy soon to be a junior and a 3.5 yr boy. 

  We are in the middle of a divorce and it is HORRIBLE!  I am the one who filed.  BUT, he has not stopped it.  My 2 girls have not spoke to me for 5 months now.  My 16.5 boy is off and on.  I have spoke to all 3 together and wrote them letters.  They are all angry with me for breaking up our eternal family.  We still live in the same house, separate rooms.  He tells my kids he loves me, does not want  a divorce, bears testimony to them, but nothing to me.  He knows exactly why I am not happy.  He told me I needed to find happiness.  There is no infidelity that I know of.  he has not atteneded temple once in these last 6 months.  I go often.  Looking for direction.  So............to make this short........I cannot go on living the way we do and it kills me to think my 3 yr old will be raised the same way and resent me.  The major problem, is I don't think DH has a testimony and therefore has not fully lived it, causing these problems and he has left parenting up to me, but never supported me in it.  Do you think, because we are an "etenal family" we should stay married or do you think HF understands??????

   

• 
• by
  • MissRobn
  on Jul. 6, 2009 at 6:07 PM
• Teekaroo, yes, my daughter has told her boyfriend what she wants/expects in a relationship. She broke up with him at one point because he couldn't give her that. But as a young 18yo in love, when he told her that he needed her help, that he wanted to pray about it, but didn't know how, that he loved her and would do anything for her... well, she wanted so badly for that all to be true she took him back (they were dating long distance). He asked for her to be patient with him, and that is what she is doing. She moved across the country to be near him. He respects her and doesn't smoke around her. But the drinking is another story... she seems to accept it okay, but I know in her heart it really bothers her. She wants so desperately to believe he will change. She even told him that it will be especially difficult for him to stop drinking because everyone he knows (besides her) drinks every weekend. He totaled his truck last fall (and from what I heard, it was alcohol related). But again, she can't imagine life without him so she accepts it for now. I'm afraid for her, that he won't change and by the time she realizes that she isn't going to be happy living like that for her entire life, she will already be married to him and possibly have children... making the whole situation much more complicated.
  
  Please don't get me wrong, if I thought my daughter would be happy with that kind of life, I would be happy for her. None of my siblings or parents were members of the church and I think they are all really great people and love them so much. Most of my close friends are not members. They are amazing people. If this young man helped my daughter to be a better person, if he lifted her and supported her in her goals in life... I would be thrilled for her. But what I have seen does not indicate that. I have not given up hope that things will work out for her. I pray that if this is what Heavenly Father wants for her then He will help me to have peace with this. So far, all I have gotten is an awful feeling and a knot in my stomach. In her patriarchal blessing it says that "with the help of medical science" she will be okay. I can't get that out of my head and hope that this young man's drinking isn't going to be the reason she is going to need the help of medical science. But, alas... this is her life to live and all I can do is love her, pray for her, and be here to support her when she needs me.

• 
• by
  • MamaOf3Ms
  on Jul. 7, 2009 at 12:46 PM

• I grew up in a mother-member/father-inactive family.  I never felt judged because we were just one of many families like this in our ward.  What I can tell you from experience is that in most of those families the daughters became active members, served mission etc. while the boys (my brothers included) went the way of their fathers.  You have to ask yourself if you are alright with your son/future-son following the example of your boyfriend/fiance because he will most likely identify with the parent of his sex.

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