Marrying a non-member

Replies:

• 
• by
  • julipickle2
  on Jul. 11, 2009 at 9:27 PM

• 
  

  Quoting Allebas:
  
  

  I am a convert who married a member whose been a member his whole life. I have met A LOT of people who HAVE been sealed in the temple and end up divorced!! A temple marriage is NO MORE a "GUARANTEE" of a life-long marriage than a civil marriage!!! I have also met A LOT of couples where one person is a member and the other is NOT, and of course, they have a civil marriage, and are VERY, VERY HAPPY!!! I think you just need to take things slowly and see how it goes! Personally, the "ONLY MARRY A MEMBER" attitude gets to be a bit RIDICULOUS to me!!! Would you rather marry someone whose a member, but you REALLY aren't in love with them and be MISERABLE and end up getting a divorce, OR, marry a NON-MEMBER who you are TRULY HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH and be TOTALLY HAPPY and live HAPPILY EVER AFTER?? I have a BIL who married someone who "PRETENDED" to be VERY ACTIVE in the Church just so she could marry him!!! He REFUSED to marry outside the temple!! SOOOO--she did EVERYTHING she was suppose to do long enough to get a temple recommend!! They got married in the temple. For a FEW SHORT years, they BOTH attended Church together. She got him to go TOTALLY INACTIVE, they have NOT gotten their twins baptized, even though they are 8 years-old, she drinks coffee, probably drinks booze, has tattoos she did NOT have before getting married, she wears SLUTTY clothes ETC!!!!! SOOOO--see---even IF you marry a member, there is NEVER a "GUARANTEE" that person will STAY an active member!!!!!

  Good luck to you!!!!

  Ouch!  It's not only the members of this group that think you should only marry a member, it's also the prophets who speak from God.  Do you think the prophets are ridiculous?  Do you think God is ridiculous?  I sure hope not.

  As another sister pointed out, It has come straight from the prophet's mouth....President Kimball gave a great talk on this topic you can find here.

  Your words make it sound like you have to choose between a non member who is a good guy, or a member who is a jerk.  This is not so.  There are many member who are great guys and will make amazing husbands and fathers.  I've dated plenty of jerks who went to church every week, but I have also dated plenty of amazing guys who were also active members.  It's not as black as white as you seem to think. 
  

  Also, the reason to marry a member is so that your family can be together for eternity.  With any marriage there is no full proof guarantee that the couple will be happy, or that it will last, but it is only through temple marriage that you are guaranteed an eternal family.  I do not deny that you can be temporally happy with a non member, but you can only be an eternal family with someone who can take you to the temple.  Sorry if my words seem harsh, but they are true.
  

• 
• by
  • AngelPuff1012
  on Jul. 12, 2009 at 12:41 AM

• 
  

  Quoting julipickle2:
  

  the reason to marry a member is so that your family can be together for eternity.  With any marriage there is no full proof guarantee that the couple will be happy, or that it will last, but it is only through temple marriage that you are guaranteed an eternal family.  I do not deny that you can be temporally happy with a non member, but you can only be an eternal family with someone who can take you to the temple.  Sorry if my words seem harsh, but they are true.
  

  Well said, Juli! Getting married in the temple is also a commandment from God. It is the ordinance we need to live the highest rewards of exaltation that He has promised if we make that covenant.

  I don't think "Happily ever after" really applies to civil marriages. Because the term "ever" goes on and on and a civil marriage ENDS, where a temple marriage does NOT END.
  

  "Government's first duty is to protect the people, not run their lives." -Ronald Reagan

• 
• by
  • MarGeee
  on Jul. 12, 2009 at 3:08 PM

• I think these non members were sent to us members of the church for a reason,we are suppose to teach the gospel when we get the opportunity. My husband has fought me tooth and nail about the church sometimes he's said I'm trying too hard to be miss goody two shoes. Sometimes I have been inactive even the spirit has prompted me to attend church so strong that its screaming in my head. My husband use to mock the missionaries,tithing,and any other little thing especially the word of wisdom. However through the years somehow his heart has been touched and somehow maybe I have shown a good example and stood my ground for what I believed in,more so that its changed his whole context about the church,and is even trying hard to understand this church. I'm blessed to have a husband who may just join our church and if God is willing I pray that in this life I can attend the temple with our children and be sealed for all eternity. I've been tempted to leave my husband in the past,but with faith and diligence and a lot heartfelt prayers and tears,heavenly father has seen us through and will keep on doing so as long as the children and I are trying.

• 
• by
  • chocolatehottie
  on Jul. 12, 2009 at 4:50 PM

• Thank you all for your opinions and thoughts, you've all given me a lot to think about.

  To the concerned member who sent me this:

  "You wrote:

  Basically, I feel as a never-been-married, single mom raising 3 kids in Utah Valley, no less, that I am already the faithful anchor for my family. I feel that Heavenly Father has blessed me with the right people in my life to help me raise valiant daughters and a son of God. My kids are on the right track spiritually, though far from perfect.

  I think adding a loving, kind, respectful step-parent who shows their Mom love and respect and affection is always going to be an asset, regardless of religion.

  I'm trying to understand what happened in your life where you find yourself "a never-been-married, single mom raising 3 kids ...."  Before you make a marriage commitment, I would encourage you to go for some counseling.  I'm concerned that you may have some unresolved issues that led you to make some unwise choices.

  I'm not wanting to be rude, but it seems you have some maturing to attain.  Marriage is a big step to take, especially when your children are involved.

  This comment also perplexes me:

  ~Matthew McConaughey is my husband~

  Why would you choose to add that to your posts?

  Please know I am concerned for your well-being.  I'm 56 years old, so what I've written comes from the heart of a mother.

  Blessings to you."

  Here is my answer,

  I had sex before marriage. My repentance of that is between Heavenly Father and I. I don't worry about what already has been done. I know that He loves my beautiful children as much as He loves your, presumably, "in-wedlock" kids.

  I do agree with your advice of counseling. I think anyone considering marriage would benefit from it.

  Marriage IS a big step, and believe it or not, I consider my family in everything I do. The children that Heavenly Father has blessed me with are a huge responsibility that I take to heart. What mother doesn't? I don't understand your concern about my adding a loving Father-figure to their lives, how it could be not good for them?

  As for the Matthew McConaughey thing, it's my weird signature. I think he's hot and it's humorous to me, obviously we don't share a sense of humor about it. I like to laugh and have fun and poke fun at myself, since Matthew McConaughey is very obviously not my husband. You'd probably take offense if he were, since he is also a non-member;)

   

  ~Matthew McConaughey is my husband~

• 
• by
  • chocolatehottie
  on Jul. 12, 2009 at 5:00 PM

• 
  

  Quoting melody77:
  
  

  it sounds like your making excuses to yourself to convince yourself it's ok to marry this guy but remember what you have been taught and what temple blessings and what you owe to your children. what are your true standards and are you lowering them right now for this man? there must be some mormon guy out there that you are meant to be with. regardless of how strong this man is in god doesn't make up for what god wants you to be fulfilled with in our particular faith. there is so much more to our faith that most find so hard to accept. i think you really need to put your kids first in this. what is best for them. i think having the priest hood is great but it shouldn't fall on the shoulders a young boy with no afther ti support and uphold the values of the priesthood.

   

  I don't feel or look at it like I am lowering my standards, but rather upping his. Being a positive, loving member of the Church would be a great addition to this man's life. And even more importantly, his being a loving influence in my life and the life of my children.

  I haven't really found a lot of LDS men my age who want to take on 3 children. Not to say that it's impossible, but been tried and done. I'm sure you don't mean to say that you know exactly what it's like walking in my shoes, since there's really no way that is possible for you to know.

  You obviously missed the part about my son having a  very strong, supportive Grandfather and Great-Grandfathers who support him in his Priesthood responsibilities, which are also shouldered by the many worthy Priesthood holders in our ward. He doesn't appear to be alone. I am merely happy that he will be worthy to receive it. I don't plan on leaning just on him, but our whole extended ward family, which is what Heavenly Father planned for, his His great wisdom.

   

  
   

  ~Matthew McConaughey is my husband~

• 
• by
  • chocolatehottie
  on Jul. 12, 2009 at 5:04 PM

• 
  

  Quoting Pixiedoll:
  

  I will admit it is hard sometimes with no preisthood in the house but I love my husband and would not trade him for anything. So  my advice is go with your heart.

   

  Thank you for your words. I am going with my heart, and my head. Thus, this post on learning more about it. I believe in going into any situation prepared and with eyes wide open. Especially a situation as important as this.
  

  ~Matthew McConaughey is my husband~

• 
• by
  • chocolatehottie
  on Jul. 12, 2009 at 5:11 PM

• 
  

  Quoting julipickle2:
  
  

   

  Quoting Allebas:
  
  

  I am a convert who married a member whose been a member his whole life. I have met A LOT of people who HAVE been sealed in the temple and end up divorced!! A temple marriage is NO MORE a "GUARANTEE" of a life-long marriage than a civil marriage!!! I have also met A LOT of couples where one person is a member and the other is NOT, and of course, they have a civil marriage, and are VERY, VERY HAPPY!!! I think you just need to take things slowly and see how it goes! Personally, the "ONLY MARRY A MEMBER" attitude gets to be a bit RIDICULOUS to me!!! Would you rather marry someone whose a member, but you REALLY aren't in love with them and be MISERABLE and end up getting a divorce, OR, marry a NON-MEMBER who you are TRULY HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH and be TOTALLY HAPPY and live HAPPILY EVER AFTER?? I have a BIL who married someone who "PRETENDED" to be VERY ACTIVE in the Church just so she could marry him!!! He REFUSED to marry outside the temple!! SOOOO--she did EVERYTHING she was suppose to do long enough to get a temple recommend!! They got married in the temple. For a FEW SHORT years, they BOTH attended Church together. She got him to go TOTALLY INACTIVE, they have NOT gotten their twins baptized, even though they are 8 years-old, she drinks coffee, probably drinks booze, has tattoos she did NOT have before getting married, she wears SLUTTY clothes ETC!!!!! SOOOO--see---even IF you marry a member, there is NEVER a "GUARANTEE" that person will STAY an active member!!!!!

  Good luck to you!!!!

  Ouch!  It's not only the members of this group that think you should only marry a member, it's also the prophets who speak from God.  Do you think the prophets are ridiculous?  Do you think God is ridiculous?  I sure hope not.

  As another sister pointed out, It has come straight from the prophet's mouth....President Kimball gave a great talk on this topic you can find here.

  Your words make it sound like you have to choose between a non member who is a good guy, or a member who is a jerk.  This is not so.  There are many member who are great guys and will make amazing husbands and fathers.  I've dated plenty of jerks who went to church every week, but I have also dated plenty of amazing guys who were also active members.  It's not as black as white as you seem to think. 

  Also, the reason to marry a member is so that your family can be together for eternity.  With any marriage there is no full proof guarantee that the couple will be happy, or that it will last, but it is only through temple marriage that you are guaranteed an eternal family.  I do not deny that you can be temporally happy with a non member, but you can only be an eternal family with someone who can take you to the temple.  Sorry if my words seem harsh, but they are true.

   

  It's true that we believe that families can be together forever when they are sealed in the Temple. My response to that is, I look forward to my own children, that are being raised in the Church and supported in that by many, many family and ward members, grow up and are sealed to their own spouses in the Temple. Isn't that what we all want, regardless of whether or not we have a Temple recommend? I know Heavenly Father blesses me for bringing His children born to me to His Gospel. Where they can learn the truth, and the light. I am not worried about them being a forever family. Only that they are taught that from birth, which is my responsibility.

   

  
   

  ~Matthew McConaughey is my husband~

• 
• by
  • AngelPuff1012
  on Jul. 12, 2009 at 5:13 PM

• Chocolatehottie, you have been given so much to think about in this thread, and I truly applaud you for not taking deep offense and being very defensive. (Some of us have been insensitive on both ends about this topic that is surprises even me.)

  BTW, I always thought your siggy was pretty funny. If I didn't have a husband already I would be saying, "Christian Bale is my husband". Whoops, don't tell my husband I said that. HA HA.
  

  "Government's first duty is to protect the people, not run their lives." -Ronald Reagan

• 
• by
  • chocolatehottie
  on Jul. 12, 2009 at 5:28 PM

• 
  

  Quoting AngelPuff1012:
  
  

  Chocolatehottie, you have been given so much to think about in this thread, and I truly applaud you for not taking deep offense and being very defensive. (Some of us have been insensitive on both ends about this topic that is surprises even me.)

  BTW, I always thought your siggy was pretty funny. If I didn't have a husband already I would be saying, "Christian Bale is my husband". Whoops, don't tell my husband I said that. HA HA.

   

  Thank you so much, Angelpuff!! That was always my intent about this post, to learn. I think that if you go into something with an open mind and a willingness to listen and learn, you won't get that defensive spirit. I know it's a sensitive topic, much more than I ever dreamed it would be!

  I'm grateful to everyone who responded one way or the other...I've thought about hardly anything else since.

  And haha, about my sig!! I always thought it was funny, and I'd crack myself up!!

  BTW, good choice on Christian Bale;)
  

  ~Matthew McConaughey is my husband~

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