How Tough is Two Under Two?

[averydog]

How Tough is Two Under Two? by Rachel Emma Silverman

Published on http://www.blogs.wsj.com/ (Wall Street Journal)

My first child is just six months old, and already I'm thinking about baby #2. My son is at a deceptively easy age-he's not yet crawling or walking so I don't have to chase after him, he sleeps well at night and has an easygoing personality. Sometimes, in ultra-confident mom moments, I think "This is just too easy." Having another one, soon, doesn't seem like it would be so tough.

Yet I've spoken to a number of parents who strongly warn me against having "two under two." They say caring for an infant and a careening toddler is about as exhausting and stressful as it gets.

Most of these parents, like me, are in their 30s or 40s and chose to space their kids tightly, in part, because they were racing against their biological clocks. As several friends have said, "I just wanted to get it over with," referring to being pregnant and having infants.

In a previous post here we've addressed the pros and cons of having kids several years apart and the optimal spacing for the siblings themselves (not just their parents).

Readers, have any of you had kids very tightly spaced apart? If you could do it again, would you still recommend having two under two?

 

[maillemom]

My boys are 14 mos. apart, and though it's tough, I can't wait to watch them grow up together. At least, that's what I keep telling myself! Yes, it's really frickin' hard. But so is having one little girl who's so bored she's yelling at you for not playing with her! Follow your heart...

[Jaedynnsmommy]

I never planned on having two under two. When my oldest was born I went through ppd. Even after I had my ppd under control I wasn't sure I wanted more children. I loved having an only child and didn't want to change that. When my oldest was about 9 months old my dh and I had a discussion and decided that we would try again, mostly because he wanted a boy. I wanted to wait until our oldest was at least potty trained. I figured that would give me at least 2 1/2 years. Then by the time I actually got pregnant and had a baby she would be almost 4. I thought that was a great space in between them..I should have known better to even say anything at all. By the end of my dd 10th month I was pregnant. It was all I could do not to cry every day all day. I knew it was going to be hard and was not looking forward to it. It's just as hard as I thought. When one is napping the other is awake. When one is quiet the other is crying. When one is wet the other one has pooped. I don't get time for a shower until my dh comes home from work. He works the night shift so sometimes thats not till 1am. I am constantly tired. My infant doesn't have a real schedule, won't take more then 20 minute naps and won't go to bed until at least midnight. Then I stay awake for at least an hour or two a night cleaning what I wasn't able to get to during the day. Or taking some me time. Reading or watching a show I recorded. Then at 7 they are both awake. I'm a sahm and I don't know if it's what I want to do anymore. I love being with them but there is something about working out of the home that is appealing. Mostly some time without them and talking to someone who talks back. If I had to do it over I definitely would've spaced them at least 4 years apart. The verbal communication is another reason to have them spaced. It's hard dealing with an infant who can't express their emotions by anything but crying or the occasional smile. My almost two year old still doesnt talk and that drives me even more crazy because when she doesnt get what she wants then she throws tantrums. I am a firm believer in the cio method. They are going to do it anyway so I may as well take a breather while they are. And they are going to cry until they figure it out..So I may as well let them..I tied my tubes after my youngest was born and I am so glad I did. I don't know if I could have managed another baby, even if that one took a few years to have. The one thing that gets me through is knowing htat once they are both older and out of this stage that there will be no more. And it's that and the smiles, hugs and kisses that are the only things that get me through. I would definitely not recommend two under two. Unless you like a challenge. And there isn't anything more challenging to me.

[averydog]

I do want to say that it does get easier. In fact once the youngest can keep up with the oldest they will be able to play together and will keep each other entertained for long periods of time. There was a 4 or 5 month span when Kora was 2 1/2 and Logan was 18 months or so that I thought having had 2 under 2 was the greatest thing I could have done. Even though I also found it extremely difficult when Logan was a newborn at this stretch I thought I would put up with that any day to get to this point.. They played together endlessly, never fought and always looked so forward to seeing each other. Now that they are 3 & 2 that has dwindled a bit as Logan has gotten older and now the fighting is starting, he is still young and has a difficult time sharing but we are working on it. They still play together and get along well 60% of the time it's the 40% that's a bit tough but now I don't really see it as that much different from a mom who has 2 children spaced years apart. The fights and the problems seem to be similar to what an "average" family would be dealing with when the youngest is 2.

So there is hope. And if you are struggling, please let us know. I'm sure we can come up with something to make your life a little easier. Even it's if just coming here to vent and knowing that no one will judge you, hopefully it will help a bit.

Tesa

[carsonoliviamom]

I can really sympathize with you on the tough part somedays.  Mine are 20 months apart.  My baby is 4 months old and my oldest is 2.  I do work full time which is like taking a much needed vacation sometimes.  I am just holding onto the hope that it will be so much easier once my youngest can get around and play with my oldest. 

I just know that in the long run they will be the best of friends and have an unbelievable bond that will last throughout their lives. 

[gummylump]

I know that there are plenty of other Moms of twins who think it's a breeze but it hasn't been for me. Mine are now almost 20 months old and it just started getting better when they were about 15 months old.

Before then there were just a string of endless days and nights. Often I've thought I had ppd but never spoke to anyone about it. I saw lots of other mothers looking so joyful and I just wanted to cry. Why wasn't I enjoying them more? Why did I think it was such hard work? Why couldn't I just relax and appreciate them?

I don't know if there are any others out there who felt like this, but honestly,  just over the past few months can I breathe, sleep, and actually appreciate these little humans! I regret that I couldn't do that more when they were younger. Given the choice, and knowing what I do now, I wouldn't have opted for  2 at once. I feel guilty for saying that because I am an IVF mother who wanted children desperately, but I really didn't know the extent of the life change I was in for.