I think its because of breastfeeding. or atleast thats how it started.

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To me, it sounds like she is selfish.

She got pregnant. She chose to keep the child. That obligates her to certain responsibilities. She could have chosen to terminate the pregnancy or to give her child to a loving adoptive couple.

Once a person (male or female) chooses to take responsibility for a child, that person MUST give up certain "freedoms." That's one of the reasons I waited to have a child. I knew that I would have to put someone else's needs before my own, and I had to make sure I was willing to do that. Parenting is not a part-time job.

It's not so much the choice that your sister has made, IMO, it's the reason she states: that she wants to be able to party, meet new people, and study without being distracted. It's all about her. She could have found another way to go to school without being a weekend parent. Women do it all the time. Yes, she would have had to possibly sacrifice something, but that is part of parenting.

I think she's done the right thing. You're a wonderful sister for supporting her.  The dad is a wonderful boyfriend for supporting her, especially since he had a hand in creating the baby and is the father and SHOULD be caring for the baby.  It will be difficult for her, but as you say she is doing right by her child by being able to better raise her with the education and money she'll be earning from that education.  Why is wanting to continue with your life selfish?  It's a pity that instead of helping her boyfriend with the baby, the rest of the family is criticizing her.

I wish her and the baby the best!

Alli

so are you saying that if the tables were turned that it would be ok for her boyfriend to leave for school, come home on wknds and make my sister raise the baby by herself for 5 days of the week and work?  It's funny b/c ppl don't seem to bat an eye when the dad takes off for good reasons....and why shouldn't my sister be allowed to party while she's gone? Shit, when my daughter stayed at a sitter's all night b/c they didn't want me coming in after work and waking up their whole family i took advantage of it and got wasted that night after work....and it's not like she's not suffering from this whole ordeal, in my eyes, it made her realize how important her daughter truly is to her....b/c while she's gone she misses Elli tremendously and believe it or not, but i think that makes her want to be closer w/ her......guys have taken off for worse reasons and society never seems to judge them.....so why can't my sister better herself.....in order to be a good mother, you need to be happy....if you're not happy it rubs off on your children and i'd rather my sister do this now...school and whatnot instead of later on in life resenting her child.....

Quoting dixie78:

To me, it sounds like she is selfish.

She got pregnant. She chose to keep the child. That obligates her to certain responsibilities. She could have chosen to terminate the pregnancy or to give her child to a loving adoptive couple.

Once a person (male or female) chooses to take responsibility for a child, that person MUST give up certain "freedoms." That's one of the reasons I waited to have a child. I knew that I would have to put someone else's needs before my own, and I had to make sure I was willing to do that. Parenting is not a part-time job.

It's not so much the choice that your sister has made, IMO, it's the reason she states: that she wants to be able to party, meet new people, and study without being distracted. It's all about her. She could have found another way to go to school without being a weekend parent. Women do it all the time. Yes, she would have had to possibly sacrifice something, but that is part of parenting.

No. It would absolutely NOT be okay for the father of the child to take off and be a part time parent either. As I said, parenting is a FULL TIME JOB. I don't believe in weekend parenting. You are projecting your own assumptions on me. I would absolutely "bat an eye" if a father took off. I don't believe there are any such thing as "good reasons" to abdicate parenting your child unless one truly feels that one is an unfit parent.

As I said, there are PLENTY of other ways your sister could have pursued her academic and  career dreams without abandoning her responsibilities. Men AND women do it all the time. For example, both my husband and I are working on degrees right now. We do it online, however, so that we can do our work after our daughter is asleep and be with her as much as possible. Once you are a parent, you make sacrifices and compromises. If partying was so important to her, she shouldn't have had a baby. That's my opinion.

Clearly, you came here with a certain mindset and were not truly looking for opinions unless they agreed with your own.

Quoting BrattyWish:

so are you saying that if the tables were turned that it would be ok for her boyfriend to leave for school, come home on wknds and make my sister raise the baby by herself for 5 days of the week and work?  It's funny b/c ppl don't seem to bat an eye when the dad takes off for good reasons....and why shouldn't my sister be allowed to party while she's gone? Shit, when my daughter stayed at a sitter's all night b/c they didn't want me coming in after work and waking up their whole family i took advantage of it and got wasted that night after work....and it's not like she's not suffering from this whole ordeal, in my eyes, it made her realize how important her daughter truly is to her....b/c while she's gone she misses Elli tremendously and believe it or not, but i think that makes her want to be closer w/ her......guys have taken off for worse reasons and society never seems to judge them.....so why can't my sister better herself.....in order to be a good mother, you need to be happy....if you're not happy it rubs off on your children and i'd rather my sister do this now...school and whatnot instead of later on in life resenting her child.....

Quoting dixie78:

To me, it sounds like she is selfish.

She got pregnant. She chose to keep the child. That obligates her to certain responsibilities. She could have chosen to terminate the pregnancy or to give her child to a loving adoptive couple.

Once a person (male or female) chooses to take responsibility for a child, that person MUST give up certain "freedoms." That's one of the reasons I waited to have a child. I knew that I would have to put someone else's needs before my own, and I had to make sure I was willing to do that. Parenting is not a part-time job.

It's not so much the choice that your sister has made, IMO, it's the reason she states: that she wants to be able to party, meet new people, and study without being distracted. It's all about her. She could have found another way to go to school without being a weekend parent. Women do it all the time. Yes, she would have had to possibly sacrifice something, but that is part of parenting.

 

I think the feminist response is why can't she do both? Feminism is about balancing family, social and work life. Everyone finds different ways of doing that, however I don't think your sister is looking into all of her options. Lots of campuses have family housing, she could go to college close by and come home on weekends, she could commute during the day to college. Honestly I think dorm life is overrated. Does she really want to miss 4 years of her child's life? That sounds heart breaking to me.

Also on a personal level I had my daughter at a young age, I know it sucks to give up certain things because you become a parent. That's life. Everyone has to regardless of age.

I didn't say YOU personally wouldn't bat an eyelash, and it was a question the whole him taking off bit, which you answered....awesome, I respect your opinion, but I really don't see anything wrong w/ what my sister is doing, I would rather that later on in life she didn't resent her child for "causing" her to miss out on certain things, and when her daughter is sick, like this past wknd, my sister stayed home instead of going back to campus, so she could take care of her, and corresponded w/ her professors online for that time period.  My sister does know which is more important, but I went to school and worked full time both while have my daughter....all by myself, it was hard, i don't want to see my sister go through the same things i did.....and i am sooo happy for her that she has a man that views her equal in his eyes.  I do have my mindset, yes, but i wanted to know how others view it....i also believe it is best that she get it all out of her system while she still can....and she and her boyfriend are not married and do not plan on doing so, so student housing wouldn't be an option for her, however they are now considering moving outta town together so she can spend more time w/ her child, i'm thinking it was good she got the feel of what it's like to live w/o your child, b/c she now understands exactly how important her child is to herself....if that makes sense....

Quoting dixie78:

No. It would absolutely NOT be okay for the father of the child to take off and be a part time parent either. As I said, parenting is a FULL TIME JOB. I don't believe in weekend parenting. You are projecting your own assumptions on me. I would absolutely "bat an eye" if a father took off. I don't believe there are any such thing as "good reasons" to abdicate parenting your child unless one truly feels that one is an unfit parent.

As I said, there are PLENTY of other ways your sister could have pursued her academic and  career dreams without abandoning her responsibilities. Men AND women do it all the time. For example, both my husband and I are working on degrees right now. We do it online, however, so that we can do our work after our daughter is asleep and be with her as much as possible. Once you are a parent, you make sacrifices and compromises. If partying was so important to her, she shouldn't have had a baby. That's my opinion.

Clearly, you came here with a certain mindset and were not truly looking for opinions unless they agreed with your own.

Quoting BrattyWish:

so are you saying that if the tables were turned that it would be ok for her boyfriend to leave for school, come home on wknds and make my sister raise the baby by herself for 5 days of the week and work?  It's funny b/c ppl don't seem to bat an eye when the dad takes off for good reasons....and why shouldn't my sister be allowed to party while she's gone? Shit, when my daughter stayed at a sitter's all night b/c they didn't want me coming in after work and waking up their whole family i took advantage of it and got wasted that night after work....and it's not like she's not suffering from this whole ordeal, in my eyes, it made her realize how important her daughter truly is to her....b/c while she's gone she misses Elli tremendously and believe it or not, but i think that makes her want to be closer w/ her......guys have taken off for worse reasons and society never seems to judge them.....so why can't my sister better herself.....in order to be a good mother, you need to be happy....if you're not happy it rubs off on your children and i'd rather my sister do this now...school and whatnot instead of later on in life resenting her child.....

Quoting dixie78:

To me, it sounds like she is selfish.

She got pregnant. She chose to keep the child. That obligates her to certain responsibilities. She could have chosen to terminate the pregnancy or to give her child to a loving adoptive couple.

Once a person (male or female) chooses to take responsibility for a child, that person MUST give up certain "freedoms." That's one of the reasons I waited to have a child. I knew that I would have to put someone else's needs before my own, and I had to make sure I was willing to do that. Parenting is not a part-time job.

It's not so much the choice that your sister has made, IMO, it's the reason she states: that she wants to be able to party, meet new people, and study without being distracted. It's all about her. She could have found another way to go to school without being a weekend parent. Women do it all the time. Yes, she would have had to possibly sacrifice something, but that is part of parenting.

 

 

When I first read your post my immediate thought was, "She's responsible for that child and should act like it! She's abandoning her daughter so she can party at school!" Then I calmed down and thought about it.

As a parent I must say that it does seem that your sister is being rather selfish. She chose to get pregnant, she chose to keep the child, and it's her responsibility to help raise the child. Being a parent entails making sacrifices, and sometimes those sacrifices are big... or even huge. But, rarely have the ideal situations actually equated to the REAL situations. So...

Your sister's boyfriend is being a really good, responsible father. That in itself is refreshing to see. Your sister is being responsible by ensuring that her daughter will be cared for by one parent on a  full-time basis, and the other parent part of the time. In the end, your sister will be able to secure a better career and perhaps be a better provider for her daughter. It's still not the ideal situation, but if she and her boyfriend can make it work and the child doesn't suffer, then good for her.

This was a great post. It really made me think, and I love when that happens! Thanks!

I really don't understand why she would resent her child if she found a BALANCE between having a child, getting an education and having a good time. Even if a couple is not married they can often get family housing, because they have a child together, but that was just one example of how she could balance going to school and having a child. But why have a child just to resent it. Honestly I think if her goal was to go to school and party then she is to immature to take on the responsbility of having a child.

Quoting BrattyWish:

I didn't say YOU personally wouldn't bat an eyelash, and it was a question the whole him taking off bit, which you answered....awesome, I respect your opinion, but I really don't see anything wrong w/ what my sister is doing, I would rather that later on in life she didn't resent her child for "causing" her to miss out on certain things, and when her daughter is sick, like this past wknd, my sister stayed home instead of going back to campus, so she could take care of her, and corresponded w/ her professors online for that time period.  My sister does know which is more important, but I went to school and worked full time both while have my daughter....all by myself, it was hard, i don't want to see my sister go through the same things i did.....and i am sooo happy for her that she has a man that views her equal in his eyes.  I do have my mindset, yes, but i wanted to know how others view it....i also believe it is best that she get it all out of her system while she still can....and she and her boyfriend are not married and do not plan on doing so, so student housing wouldn't be an option for her, however they are now considering moving outta town together so she can spend more time w/ her child, i'm thinking it was good she got the feel of what it's like to live w/o your child, b/c she now understands exactly how important her child is to herself....if that makes sense....

Quoting dixie78:

No. It would absolutely NOT be okay for the father of the child to take off and be a part time parent either. As I said, parenting is a FULL TIME JOB. I don't believe in weekend parenting. You are projecting your own assumptions on me. I would absolutely "bat an eye" if a father took off. I don't believe there are any such thing as "good reasons" to abdicate parenting your child unless one truly feels that one is an unfit parent.

As I said, there are PLENTY of other ways your sister could have pursued her academic and  career dreams without abandoning her responsibilities. Men AND women do it all the time. For example, both my husband and I are working on degrees right now. We do it online, however, so that we can do our work after our daughter is asleep and be with her as much as possible. Once you are a parent, you make sacrifices and compromises. If partying was so important to her, she shouldn't have had a baby. That's my opinion.

Clearly, you came here with a certain mindset and were not truly looking for opinions unless they agreed with your own.

Quoting BrattyWish:

so are you saying that if the tables were turned that it would be ok for her boyfriend to leave for school, come home on wknds and make my sister raise the baby by herself for 5 days of the week and work?  It's funny b/c ppl don't seem to bat an eye when the dad takes off for good reasons....and why shouldn't my sister be allowed to party while she's gone? Shit, when my daughter stayed at a sitter's all night b/c they didn't want me coming in after work and waking up their whole family i took advantage of it and got wasted that night after work....and it's not like she's not suffering from this whole ordeal, in my eyes, it made her realize how important her daughter truly is to her....b/c while she's gone she misses Elli tremendously and believe it or not, but i think that makes her want to be closer w/ her......guys have taken off for worse reasons and society never seems to judge them.....so why can't my sister better herself.....in order to be a good mother, you need to be happy....if you're not happy it rubs off on your children and i'd rather my sister do this now...school and whatnot instead of later on in life resenting her child.....

Quoting dixie78:

To me, it sounds like she is selfish.

She got pregnant. She chose to keep the child. That obligates her to certain responsibilities. She could have chosen to terminate the pregnancy or to give her child to a loving adoptive couple.

Once a person (male or female) chooses to take responsibility for a child, that person MUST give up certain "freedoms." That's one of the reasons I waited to have a child. I knew that I would have to put someone else's needs before my own, and I had to make sure I was willing to do that. Parenting is not a part-time job.

It's not so much the choice that your sister has made, IMO, it's the reason she states: that she wants to be able to party, meet new people, and study without being distracted. It's all about her. She could have found another way to go to school without being a weekend parent. Women do it all the time. Yes, she would have had to possibly sacrifice something, but that is part of parenting.

She doesn't resent her child and she has actually told me recently that next semester she plans to commute, (rather than move b/c our parents paid the down payment on her and her boyfriend's house) b/c she misses her daughter and she has had the dorm experience now and that everyone was right, that it wasn't all she thought it might be and that if she had just listened to everyone she might not have believed them, but now that she got to have the experience she knows.  She also said she found that she didn't have time to party if she wanted to keep her grades up and make it home to see her daughter on wknds, but that she did experience some of it and is now done w/ it, for the most part.  This was a matter of experiences for her.  And she also learned from it.  She said it saddens her that her baby is closer to the father, but that she did that to herself and will work on a stronger bond w/ her herself.  No school that i applied to would let me and my daughter's dad live together in student housing.  My daughter and I could have, but he couldn't live w/ us.  My sister also works her ass off so that she won't NEED to use any of the public assistance b/c she claims there are others out there that need it more than she does,she'll use what she NEEDS, but if it's not absolutely necessary, than she's not gonna try for it b/c she feels that's dishonest on some level.  And what average teenager doesn't look forward to college and partying? I'm sure there are some that don't, but she's no different than most teens her age, that doesn't make her immature, I know damn well that i looked forward to that my first year of college, but got over it, just like she did.  My little sister is the epitomy of Mature.  She's honest, well educated, understanding, and serious about what's important to her.  She refuses to give up school, but she wants to find another way to work out a balance.  And you're right, there is a way to balance all of that and she's looking. I'm proud of my sister for the way she has been dealin w/ her situations.  One day her daughter will be proud of her mother for teaching her how important education is and how to never give up on what's important in life and the future.

and the resentment bit is just something that some people try to deny, but they feel.  My little sister doesn't deny her feelings and so i wouldn't want to see her in the future POSSIBLY resenting her daughter.  I don't know that i make sense to anyone else, but I do to me....lol.

on a side note I'm pro-choice b/c I agree w/ the "why have a child just to resent it" ideal and more, but that's not the subject here.

Quoting dhsredhead:

I really don't understand why she would resent her child if she found a BALANCE between having a child, getting an education and having a good time. Even if a couple is not married they can often get family housing, because they have a child together, but that was just one example of how she could balance going to school and having a child. But why have a child just to resent it. Honestly I think if her goal was to go to school and party then she is to immature to take on the responsbility of having a child.