I have spent the last 3 years telling myself, "I am over it"
But recently I have realized that practicing avoidance is whats killing me inside.
My beautiful 19 year old sister who was also my best friend, called me on August 20th 2004, asking me to come over.
I couldnt, and I will always regret that I didnt. I believe God makes everything happen for a reason, and I in no way blame Him...but what follows our phone conversation is one of those, "WHAT is the reason for THIS?!?!!?" question that I doubt I'll ever understand.
I called her early the next morning and left her a message. Figured she was up late and she would call me back like usual.
I called my parents house shortly after, and my grandma answered. "Weird" I thought....she was stumbling thru her words and said I should talk to my dad. I immediately went in the bathroom and locked the door. "Something is NOT right".....I told myself.
"Teresa is dead.", He said......and that sentence is what changed my life forever.
My sister was shot in the head with an AK47 in her home. Nobody has been charged. I tell myself not to be angry, I tell myself to just remember the good times.....But the thing is, I am afraid that I will forget some of them...She was the other half of all the awesome memories I have, and I am afraid that without her here I wont remember them all. I am tired of my heart hurting. I am tired of having dreams with her in them, and having to wake up and re-remember that she is gone. Everyone said 'Give it time'....But in my case, 'time' is what is getting the best of me. The more time that passes, the more I forget, or the more memories that are made in my life without my sister to share....The more time has gone by since I saw her smile, heard her laugh....
It depresses me to think about it......
I should not have written this.