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anyone here go through a divorce with young children? [on topic!]

Posted by on Dec. 31, 2012 at 1:50 PM
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my husband and i are divorcing. currently things are pretty ok between us, and he told me that he doesnt care about vaccinating our daughter. but of course that can change if i piss him off or if his parents try to convince him to be pro-vaccine for whatever reasons.

so have any of you or a close friend gone through a divorce and made it out alive and with an unvaccinated kid? i was thinking about having both him and i sign a paper that agrees we both do not want to vaccinate. but will that even hold up in court?

im positive ill get physical custody because she is only 18 months, and also still breastfeeding. plus my living arrangement and job allows me to be with her, not put her in child care. but i read that the court likes to do shared whenever possible, so the medical will likely be shared.

advice, suggestions, and anecdotes welcome!

by on Dec. 31, 2012 at 1:50 PM
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Replies (1-9):
emmy526
by New Owner on Dec. 31, 2012 at 4:08 PM
2 moms liked this

You can have a judge rule all medical decisions are to be made by only you...and in the event of an emergency, while your dd is in his care, NO vaccines are to be administered in an emergency, without your written consent.  I have seen this tactic work for parents.   Such as, if dd needs stitches for cutting her head on a swing set, stitches are ok at the ER, vaccines are not ok.  

wolfybaby
by Bronze Member on Dec. 31, 2012 at 4:42 PM

how will that work though? because hes a good, caring parent.. i read that the courts really like to try to split everything, especially medical custody.

emmy526
by New Owner on Dec. 31, 2012 at 4:47 PM

well, if he'll agree to no vaccines, and it's in the court order, then he has to go back to court to change it....did you ask him if he'll agree to that?

Quoting wolfybaby:

how will that work though? because hes a good, caring parent.. i read that the courts really like to try to split everything, especially medical custody.


mothertory
by Member on Jan. 1, 2013 at 10:42 AM
There are so many variables when you go to court. The judge can decide whatever they want and, to be honest with you, it doesn't mean anything unless you have to involve the police or a judge again ( such as if one of you won't give the baby back to the other at the court ordered day/time ). If you are getting along, you're best bet is to talk and agree on things before or without the court. Because, no matter what the judge says, not only can you and he choose to change it, but a doctor is not going to question either of your custody status prior to giving something as common as vaccines and a judge most likely won't take away visitation rights once the damage is done. In general, the only way to have that kind of complete control is to never let anyone else be alone with your child and a judge won't order that against a good, loving father.
My ex was a thief and a drug addict and he got custody of my nine month old breastfed daughter because ONE person got on the stand and said that she was afraid for my children if they stayed with me, my Dad's girlfriend of 15 years. Thirteen years later, my ex has proven a few times that my home was the more safe and stable one.
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jlc91
by Member on Jan. 1, 2013 at 8:03 PM

XH and I divorced when DS was 18 months old.  When we were married he said he was totally fine w/ DS not being vaxed.  Then he got mad at me a month after the divorce was final and told me he wanted him vaxed.  I was able to put him off at the time and he brought it up again after DS turned 2.  He said he was going to see about getting more custody.  (And told me his family told him to just take DS and get him vaxed and not tell me!!!!)  I talked to my lawyer and it turns out that in the state our divorce was in, whoever has full physical custody gets to call the shots on medical decisions, unless it's an emergency.  XH hasn't brought it up again, but I plan to let him know that when he does.  I also have a ped who is board certified but doesn't vax his kids and he said he'd talk to XH about it if he'd let him.

If I had it to do over again, I would have had it put in our custody arrangement that DS wasn't going to be vaxed.  If I was you, I'd be sure it was mentioned in there.

Also, if  things are friendly b/w the two of you now, why don't you just come up with your own custody arrangement and then have it made official by the court?  That's what XH and I did.  I had a lawyer, he chose not to have one, and he let me write the custody agreement.  My lawyer looked at it and thought it was good.  At our court date, the judge looked it over and approved it. 

ETA: My lawyer said that if XH and I both agreed on things there was NO reason a judge would change it.  So if you can go in with a unified front, at least with regards to custody, you have a lot better chance of getting what you want.

SarahsAMommy
by Member on Jan. 1, 2013 at 9:48 PM

Yes they like to do shared. Hate to tell you, but just cause you are breastfeeding doesn't mean you will get her. My sister was breastfeeding and they only gave her no over nights till a year old.

As for me, I was in that boat. My ex and I agreed to wait on vaxing. Once we split, my lawyer told me that he could use that against me and try to get me for many things for not doing it. IF you can get him to agree to sign a paper, make sure it's noterized. Go to a bank or something. They will do it for a fee. Then YES, it will be able to be used in court. Also, it will look good that you can spend more time with her and not have to put her in daycare. That was in my favor also. I will let you know, I got everything I asked for PLUS. But my ex's lawyer was stupid. Good luck!

SarahsAMommy
by Member on Jan. 1, 2013 at 9:50 PM

Also, get primary physical and the  medical. I can't remember what it's called.

unicornnymph22
by New Member on Jan. 6, 2013 at 2:23 PM

My ex and I divorced when dd was 15 months old, and it's at that point I researched vaxinations. Dd is not fully vaxinated, and BF never took a real interest in dr visits. Per court order I have primary physical, and we have shaired legal. When he did find out about not vaxing he flipped and told me that the school would be very interested to know that dd isn't vaxed. I told him that the school already knows she isn't vaxed and I have made sure to do everything legally. He hasn't said anything more about it.

From what I have read online reguarding medical disputes for split parents, usually the courts give joint legal, and sometimes they will add a clause of a third party tie breaker, or give preferance to the primary parent.

sarahtessa
by Member on Jan. 6, 2013 at 10:33 PM

I don't know, but I'm wishing you good luck!

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