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OT - Kindergarten Trauma - Help me ladies!!

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I know this is OT but I really respect the views of the mamas in this group and i think we think a lot alike.

My five year old was so excited to go to kindergarten on the first day. But day two... not so much. I almost had him convinced but an overbearing teacher scared him out of it. He is very oversensitive to adults he is not comfortable with getting in his face or even being stern with him. He ran to the car and was screaming in the car for me to take him home. The teachers wanted to physically force him into the school.

I didn't allow that because I know him and I know I then will not be able to get him out of the house tomorrow. The last time we had a similar incident in preschool he was traumatized all around and mommy could not even leave the house and he would have anxiety in new places. We got through that and I don't want to go there again!

My question is... is it going to be necessary to do the 'drag him off kicking and screaming' thing because we're in a public school that will have limited tolerance to babying him into school? That seems to be the standard method for them but I just can't do it.

Am I totally insane and babying him? I just don't think traumatizing a five year old is necessary. But I have to work within the 'system'.

Any brilliant suggestions? We are going to try the bus ( I was driving him) and we will try hvaing him walk to school with a good friend also (without mommy around). I know I could do it if I was given enough freedom to transition him but not sure if I will get it. I'm in the proces of talking with the principal also.

BTW, I immediately started him on Rescue Remedy and Bach's Confidence Builder (too bad I didnt think of that a few weeks ago!!!)

My head is ready to explode.

Thank you Mamas!


by on Sep. 5, 2013 at 10:03 PM
Replies (21-27):
SarahNElijah
by Member on Sep. 8, 2013 at 12:52 AM
1 mom liked this
Regarding the socialization.. I find that my (and most homeschoolers) get more valuable socialization.. When they are younger and still learning how to socialize, there is some amount of guidance there.. And when the others are being unkind, you can be there as back-up or a support system until they have a little stronger foundation of self-confidence!!

Also, almost all of the homeschool kids I have met were so kind, polite, caring and inclusive of all ages! This was a huge factor for us when we started to look into homeschooling.. All the public school kids we met at the park were downright mean and rude, while the kids in the homeschool groups went out of their way to include Elijah and build his confidence.. And he was only 3 at the time!!

We actually have a great support system and friend group, but this may somewhat depend on where you live, so I would research what homeschool groups are in the area, how active they are, what the community offers to homeschoolers (we take 4-5 monthly classes offered by the museums in our area!), etc.

As for the knowledge, there are so many ways to homeschool.. from packages that tell you day-by-day, hour-by-hour what to teach.. to making up your own curriculum by following the state guidelines and regulations! What form of homeschooling you choose greatly affects how long homeschooling takes, but as an average, I would say 1-3 hours for Kindergarten, with a lot of that being learning through play, fun activities, etc. :-)

I definitely know homeschooling is not for every family, but I truly believe it can work for any family who wants it to!


Quoting Lukes-Mom:

I've been tempted by the homeschool thing. The main reason I wanted to avoid it was for social situations. You know, you meet a few weird kids that have been  homeschooled and you wonder! lol

Another reason I haven't jumped at it is because I don't feel confident myself. Do I have the knowledge? How much time does it take? He loves playing with other kids and I feel like he would be missing so much not being in school. What are your thoughts on all that?

Thank you for reassuring me about the manipulation thing. I agree.

Quoting SarahNElijah:

We homeschool, and part of the reason we started was because my son was definitely not ready to go to school by himself yet at 5! But now there is a list a mile long as to why we homeschool.. we love it! :-)



Hope you find something that works for both of you! And in response to the manipulation thing.. I HATE when people say things like that.. Like our children being young and scared and wanting the person they find comfort in most is manipulation! :-( Reminds me of all those that said our nursing babies were manipulative.. Even adults are nervous in new situations, and tend to stick by those they already know if possible, kwim?


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booklover74
by Member on Sep. 8, 2013 at 6:51 PM
1 mom liked this
Trust your son to trust his own feelings and instincts.

He is not manipulating you. He has reasons why he is melting down and refusing to go, he just cant express them well.

We put fairly inreasonable, emotional, expectations on our little ones. Developmentally he isnt ready to leave his home routine and move to the s hool routine. Thats normal for his age.

He might be having trounle coping with the long day or maybe spe ific parts of it. It might be that all the parts of the day as well as trying not to miss you or home and make freinds is just to much for him.

You will need to break the day fown for him and spend time tslking about each part to figure out what it is that has him upset. He might need a pep talk each morning about what to expect that day in the way of school routine. Maybe the teacher bothers him. Maybe she said something to him or another student that upaet him, even if it was a fairly innocent or mild comment.

A reward chart might help. A sticker every morning he goes to the classroom without a problem and so many stickers get a prize.

Maybe a picture of you to carry with him.

Honestly i wouldnt send him. It isnt babying it is meeting his needs. I have two kids with tertible anxiety. I pulled one from preschool after two weeks because not only was he screaming going in, he was shuting down and tuning out in the class in order to cope. He would just sit in a corner all huddled until the end. They told me he would be fine and eventually stop. He began crying at home over the thougt of going and then he stoped sleeping. He was hurting and completly not ready. He would have been horribly scared if id listened to the teachers. Je is a pretty well adjusted 12 year old now.

We are in year 13 of home schooling. Ive meet some odd home s hooled kids as well as some odd public school ones. .
tansyflower
by on Sep. 8, 2013 at 6:58 PM
1 mom liked this

i know my son and am planning on having him repeat 4k so that he enters kindergarten a year late.  he is so full of energery, lacks the attention span and is literally a week away from the cutoof date so he would be a "young" five entering kinder.  all that is a recipe for disaster if he starts too soon.  my sister is a teacher and has really seen students who repeat 4k flourish and she also recommends it.

i know its not the same issue you are having, but i just wanted you to know that especially for boys, entering school when they are a little older is a wonderful option for them.

micheledo
by Bronze Member on Sep. 8, 2013 at 7:48 PM
1 mom liked this

I don't think you have created the problem. You know your child best. I have a child who gets extreme anxiety. He is now seven and does MUCH better. We visited a former church of our today and he actually went to Sunday School. I could tell he was very anxious and uncomfortable, but he went. And he even went to children's church afterwards. Two years ago, there is NO way he would have stayed there. Even if I stayed in the class. He would have clung to me the entire time.

On the other hand, my daughter likes to 'play' shy. I was much more stern with her. I am leaving - you can come with me and sit quietly in church or you can stay here and play. (with my son, when he was that age, I would have offered to stay with him in order to try and help him learn to be comfortable in new situations). My daughter ended up staying by herself. :D

Help him. Make him comfortable but also push him and encourage him to grow in this area. I am surei n another year or two you will see a BIG difference if you are patient and advocate for him.

It is SO unfortunate when those who SHOULd be experts in child developement, refuse to allow children to be different and handle things diffeerently then others their age.

Quoting Lukes-Mom:

Oh! The other thing I'm hearing is that I am letting him have all the control and maniupulating me because he knows if he cries I will not force him to go. What are your thoughts on that one? I understand the reasoning and I know I have not been a stern mother so I may have created this problem.


Lukes-Mom
by Member on Sep. 9, 2013 at 9:04 PM

Wow, booklover74! Thank you so much for this. It was so good to hear.

We are not forcing him to go but we are talking with him everyday about it. I am trying this week to just get him in the building. Surprisingly, the school is actually working with me.

However, he is really resisting and he is stressed. He's not sleeping well, he's acting up with other routine things like brushing his teeth, and the last words at night and the FIRST words in the morning that come out of his mouth are "mommy, i just don't want to go to school." This, from a kid who LOVES playing and being around other kids.

I am mentally preparing to homeschool this year (slightly scared that he will never want to go to school!) but mentally I can go either way. It's just exhausting going through all this. I can imagine how stressed he is.

We are doing a reward system but you wouldn't believe all the surprises he's been offered that he's not jumping at because he doesn't want to have to go to school to get them.

The school has offered to let me stay in a conference room down the hall while he goes to class. I can see he's thinking about that in his head. We will see if that one flies.

Honestly, I am also leaning towards homeschooling for K and then trying harder to get him into Waldorf next year. That would have been my first choice and honestly probably a much better fit for his learning style but it's hard to afford and financial aid is only partial.

So far I have gotten out of him that he misses me, school is too long and school is stupid because you can't see your mommy when you want to. He cried his first morning in class, even though he detached from me fine, and asked for mommy and they didn't call me. He got through it and did have fun that day but obviously it deeply bothered him. When I offer him half day he still doesn't want to do it so that doesn't solve the problem is him mind.

I know he is probably very overwhelmed with just ... everything!

Thank you again!

I don't think I would have made it through the past week without you ladies!!!! Seriously!!! It is so good to hear other mamas that think like I do and reassure me that I'm not nuts!!!

blowing kisses

Quoting booklover74:

Trust your son to trust his own feelings and instincts.

He is not manipulating you. He has reasons why he is melting down and refusing to go, he just cant express them well.

We put fairly inreasonable, emotional, expectations on our little ones. Developmentally he isnt ready to leave his home routine and move to the s hool routine. Thats normal for his age.

He might be having trounle coping with the long day or maybe spe ific parts of it. It might be that all the parts of the day as well as trying not to miss you or home and make freinds is just to much for him.

You will need to break the day fown for him and spend time tslking about each part to figure out what it is that has him upset. He might need a pep talk each morning about what to expect that day in the way of school routine. Maybe the teacher bothers him. Maybe she said something to him or another student that upaet him, even if it was a fairly innocent or mild comment.

A reward chart might help. A sticker every morning he goes to the classroom without a problem and so many stickers get a prize.

Maybe a picture of you to carry with him.

Honestly i wouldnt send him. It isnt babying it is meeting his needs. I have two kids with tertible anxiety. I pulled one from preschool after two weeks because not only was he screaming going in, he was shuting down and tuning out in the class in order to cope. He would just sit in a corner all huddled until the end. They told me he would be fine and eventually stop. He began crying at home over the thougt of going and then he stoped sleeping. He was hurting and completly not ready. He would have been horribly scared if id listened to the teachers. Je is a pretty well adjusted 12 year old now.

We are in year 13 of home schooling. Ive meet some odd home s hooled kids as well as some odd public school ones. .


Lukes-Mom
by Member on Sep. 11, 2013 at 1:07 PM
1 mom liked this

UPDATE!!!

Well, ladies, I have officially withdrawn him from school and we are homeschooling for Kindergarten.

I feel good about the decision and I couldn't have done it without the support and knowledge of you guys. Thank you so much for your words.

If anyone has any homeschool program recommendations please, please, please pass them my way. I'm an blank slate!!! I have a lot of research to do!!!

Baby4us09
by Bronze Member on Sep. 11, 2013 at 4:42 PM
1 mom liked this

 To your prior post to t his one .

I am so sorry they didn't get you when he started tocry for you and you were rigth down the hall. That just makes things worse. That was messed up of them. he is 5 for crying out loud! They should know that not all children are ready for school and a full day at that! Rude of them and incosiderate!

http://www.christianbook.com/  has great books. Also can go to walmart and get books from there. Check out co ops in your area. GL

http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/easy_find?event=HPT&category=Homeschool&N=1014667&Ne=1000000&Nso=1&Nu=product.endeca_rollup&Ns=product.number_sold

This is the homeschool page. GL I don't knwo if you would use this but I didnt know what else to reccomend. Hope things work out in the best for bothof you.

Quoting Lukes-Mom:

UPDATE!!!

Well, ladies, I have officially withdrawn him from school and we are homeschooling for Kindergarten.

I feel good about the decision and I couldn't have done it without the support and knowledge of you guys. Thank you so much for your words.

If anyone has any homeschool program recommendations please, please, please pass them my way. I'm an blank slate!!! I have a lot of research to do!!!

 

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