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Single mom and dating

Posted by on Dec. 14, 2009 at 8:49 PM
  • 18 Replies

I just had a son and i do not plan on dating for a while, but what I would like to know is how to date with kids. I know it sounds funny but it has been years since i have dated a guy. Now i know you guys are wondering how did I have a baby if i was not dating. Well the guy i had a baby by was a friend with benefits.  I also have a 10 year old daughter, but she is living with my sister right now. So here is what i would like to know.

If any of you guys are dating some one or have been on dates how do you balance your kids and the new guys?

Do you tell the guy right away that you have kids or do you wait?

And lastly are you looking for a dad or just someone for you and pray that your kids and new guy get along?

For those who have more then one kid do you find it harder to meet guys then say if you only had one or does it matter?

Please help. One day I would like to meet someone. Not a father for my son because he has one already sort of but someone for me.

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember:
Amateurs...built the ark.
Professionals...built the Titanic

by on Dec. 14, 2009 at 8:49 PM
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Replies (1-10):
alison08
by on Dec. 14, 2009 at 8:56 PM

i think dating is kind of difficult or maybe just different.  i haven't dated much at all since i had my son, but i always tell them i have a child from the beginning.  i don't think i would like that thrown in somewhere down the line.  and i don't think i'm really looking for a dad for him, just someone who has potential to fill the shoes one day, but for now it should be just fun and getting to now each other.  i also don't like letting themmeet my son unless the relationship has potential.  it's tricky, but do-able!

kelli0585
by on Dec. 14, 2009 at 9:01 PM

bump!

Andrewsmom70
by Silver Member on Dec. 14, 2009 at 9:31 PM

My son just turned 4 and I have yet to date since before I got pregnant.  (I too got pregnant from a friends with benefits relationship!)

The idea of dating scares the mess out of me!!! :-)  The last time I totally opened my heart to a guy, I fell head over heels in love and fell hard.  It didn't work out and I got hurt worse than I've ever been hurt in my life.  So, the thought of going thru all that again scares the mess out of me!

HOWEVER, I so totally want to be in a loving, committed relationship.  I miss the companionship of someone of the opposite sex that's around my age.  I love my son with all my heart but my relationship with my son shouldn't be the only relationship I have.

Here's my plan, if I ever do date again.

Whoever I go out with must be a very committed follower of Christ.  That must be his top priority. 

Next, we will be friends first.  I think it's vital for a successful relationship to start out as friendship and then progress to something more.

It will be important for my son to love the man and for the man to love my son as his own.  My son does have a dad that is very active in his life but if I date someone with the intent to eventually get married, there has to be a genuine relationship between my son and his future stepfather.

I'm not a person to date a lot of people casually.  It's just never been something I've done or something I'm wired to do.

Right now, I just keep praying that God will send the right person into my life at the right time.  I've tried to rush things in my past and not wait on God and His plan and obviously it's never worked out so I am totally trusting God this time. :-)

 

single_and_preg
by on Dec. 14, 2009 at 10:20 PM

I havent been able to date in almost 2 years. I tell the guy right up front, I have a kid. So he knows why its so hard for me to even have quiet time to talk on the phone of find a sitter.

Yani75
by on Dec. 14, 2009 at 10:33 PM

 I am a single mom of a now 15 year old. Dating when being a single parent is hard. I have had a couple of relationships and have learned that you just have to be very careful who you bring into your children's life. You have to be honest with the guy and tell him head on your situation. Someone that is truly interested in you will understand. I have had experiences where I wish I had not brought certain men into my daughters life. So I have learned to wait a while before I introduce my daughter to anyone and when I do decide to do it I introduce them as friends. Time, time is the key here only with time you will know if is going  to work with you, the guy and the kids it all has to click. If it doesn't then its not going to work. Now I am in a relationship. We dated for several months. Then we started doing things together with my daughter "as friends" my daughter and him got along  from the beginning something that had never happend. Now after almost a year, she knows he is my boyfriend and everything has worked out. I try very hard to balance out the time I spend with both of them. It has worked out. Its all about following your instincts.

Jasons_Mami
by on Dec. 14, 2009 at 11:41 PM

I guess my experience was the opposite of most of you.  After I had my son there were plenty of guys that wanted to date me. I'm always upfront about my kid. He's not something that I would ever want to hide.  I did not, however bring my dates around him.

I've been with my current boyfriend since August of last yer & he has a pretty good relationship with my child. He's the only one who has ever met my son, however, others have asked if they could.

I don't expect or want him to be a father to my son although he has mentioned that he feels that he should & he does try to take on that role.

As far as balancing the two, its not as difficult as it seems if you're dating an understanding person. But u do have to treat ur man as if he's the most important person during the time that u spend together. Make him feel special & let him know that he has his own place in your life.

FaerieMommie23
by on Dec. 14, 2009 at 11:46 PM

I dont think there is a huge difference when it comes to the amount of kids you have. I have 3 kids and they all have different dads and thats never stopped anybody from wanting to date me. I tell them right up front that I have kids because I think thats something they should know unless your going to casually date and dont want anything serious in the future. I look for someone who will get along with both me and my kids. I can pretty much tell if my kids are going to like the guy before they ever meet him. The best thing IMO is to let him know you have kids but dont let him meet your kids until you are pretty serious. Its really hard on the kids when they get attached to someone and then they disapear out of the picture, I know alot of people have the mind set that the guy will not disapear, he will stay around and be a part of their lives anyway. ( Most guys make out like they will ) but that is not always the case in the end. I would maybe just date around for awhile, get someone to babysit while you go on the date. Dont be too quick to get serious.


Shy_Dia
by Silver Member on Dec. 14, 2009 at 11:49 PM

i always told the guy about my kid. even if the guy was just a friend- i somehow make it a point that i have a kid/responsibilities.

it usually takes about a year before the guy would meet my son. my current BF- i've been with him since Jan of this year (dated since Aug 08) and he has a really good relationship with DS. he doesnt take the "dad" role and i never expect him to (unless we get married)... but just as dating, or even if we were in a really serious relationship for 5 years, i'd never expect/want him to take that role. the role that he will/does take (even if its unwillingly.. but if its unwillingly, the guy is usually done) with my DS is being a role model. but that goes with everyone that my son is around. he's 4 so he watches what people do, what they say, how they act, etc.. and depending on whether he likes you (he's been VERY limited with the male sex, so he LOVES all males. lol), he'll copy you.

As for the time management.. my BF was always last. it was my son, my schoolwork, my job, any other responsibility (my family- i still live with my dad, 12 year old bro and i take my mom's responsibility and she also has a 4 year old girl) and THEN the guy. yea- there's been millions of times that i've had to cancel on him because of whatever reason.. but the reason that i fell for him is because he was always cool with it. yea, he was sad (or so he said. lol), but he didnt argue, blame me, get pissed, stop contacting me, etc.

as for the multiple kid thing.. i have no idea. i only got one kid and thats how it'll be for a LONG time (at least 3 years. lol)

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Dec. 15, 2009 at 1:09 AM

i have found that when you have more than one older kid, it is harder to date than when they are little. older kids dont like strange men.

i never looked for a daddy for my kids, shit if i was looking for that i would have just put up w their own dad. they have a dad, half ass as he is. i will not be w a man that treats my kids bad but i dont choose them because im looking for a daddy. in fact, men that tried to get at me thru my kids have always creeped me out.

i always told myself that i would not take any man around my kids until they were some one special. here i sit, 12 years later. i think that if i had it to do over, i would introduce ALL my friends to my kids, dont kids have boy and girl friends? why shouldnt mom? its too late now, my kids hate men that even look at me.  

 
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WhirledPeace
by on Dec. 15, 2009 at 9:47 AM

I haven't had any major troubles dating, but if a man is going to dismiss me as dating material based on my parental status, I'm certain I'm better off without him and never think of him again.  What's the point? 

I'm always honest about the fact that I have a kid.  She's the most important person in my life and my first priority is making sure she's happy. 

I've always been good about making sure I have "me" time (going out, child-free, once every week or two).  Dating falls into that.  I don't take double the time off from being a parent, I just prioritize what I want to do when I don't have my kid with me.

I'm a single mother by choice, so I'm not looking for a father, per se.  But I refuse to date a man who isn't a good role model and if he has any unease about me being a parent, we're done dating.  Why waste my time with someone who doesn't want to be involved with my child or someone I don't want involved with her?  My time is limited so I'm really picky.  Well, to be honest, I'd be picky regardless.  Always have been.  But I'm really not going to waste my time with someone I can't see myself being with at this juncture.

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