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is your ex in your child's life, but not in yours?

Posted by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 12:54 PM
  • 5 Replies

for the longest time lila's dad and i have been off and on, and it's been really hard for me to take her to spend time with him without me getting involved with him too.

but now i'm finally ready for it.  i don't want to have to see him. the thought of being around him makes me sick to my stomach.

whenever we would hang out for him to spend time with her, i feel like he would spend most of his time venting to me about all his problems - financial and relationships - and i don't want to be his counselor.  he never takes any of my advice anyway. haha.

i want her to see her dad, and he seems to want to spend time with her too, but i don't want to have to see him.

anyone have a situation like this?  how does it work out?

should i see if his mom will get involved as far as me dropping lila off at her place, then him picking her up from there? or is that asking too much of her?  i only met her for the first time back in october of 2009 so i don't want to ask too much too fast....


by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 12:54 PM
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by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 1:14 PM

I just pretend my ex is someone else when I talk to him. An aquaintance, not the man I was in love with in the past.  We make small talk.  If I end up spending time with him (I let him stay at my house when he comes here to see DD, once I slept on his couch when I went to CA to pick up our daughter and the return flight didn't leave until the next day) I always bring a book and my ipod or laptop.  I am curteous but I try not to get involved in his personal life, and I don't invite him into mine.  He says I'm cold, but I really just try to be friendly and detached. 

Good Luck mama!  It's not easy, but it's worth it for DD. 


by Bronze Member on Jan. 3, 2010 at 1:19 PM

Whenever I see my ex I just remind myself of all the pain he caused me and those memories remind me not to fall for him again 

by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 1:27 PM

If she's comfortable being with him without you then I would just drop her off. Asking his mom to do that for you isn't too much; she's your daughter's grandmother, she won't care. There are lots of people who don't get along with their child's father, and they make things work.

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on." - Tupac Shakur

by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 2:07 PM

Quoting Lele1987:

hell u wanna trade. do u know there is a lot of moms who ould die for a lil piece of what their baby dad is doin. hell my baby dad just startin to get in our daughter life this pastr mother's day. and she is almost two at the end of the month. through her who life he ghas ssen he five times and me readin this is makin me feel like u are one of the lucky one. so what if he wants to play girl talk wit u as long as he is involed with c in her in she know who dad is what's the problem. at least he not c  n his kid for his own self pity. so b grateful he is at least n her life. isn't that what really matters? let him do this now and when the kid is older to speak for herself make that arrangement but until then mama sucvk it up sorri. ther must of been a reason y'all aint work out. thaqt's why they call them ex's

wow, if you could use some proper grammar i think the entire group would really appreciate it.

anyway, as a mother you should learn to realize that having a parent in and out of a child's life is very unhealthy.  he needs to be either in or out, and as it is now, he's been in and out for her entire life.

if he says he wants to be in her life, then i would like for him to be,  i son't want to deny my child the right to know her dad, but at what expense to her emotions?  as it is now, for her entire life he's pretty much only been around to see her when  him and i were dating, or when he was having relationship problems.

you are very, very wrong if you think that my daughter seeing her father every week for 3 months, then turning around and not seeing him for 6 months straight, is "acceptable" and i can only pray for your daughter's future if you plan on allowing her father to be like that towards her.

my whole point is it's time for me to stand up and say that if he really wants to be in her life, there are some boundaries that need to be put up, and i need some encouragement or advice on making that work.

if he can't accept these boundaries then i might just have to accept that my daughter is better off without him. [which is not what i *want* but would be better than her growing up to think it's ok for a man to treat his child the way he's treating her.]

by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 2:21 PM

Ok first off I was trying to help. Second last time i check this wasn't english class. Third off don't try to flip the script. You wan't advice I gave you some you can take it or leave. I took care of my situation long time ago. I just thoughtgivin u a little example from my past would see if you know where I was comin from to my advice to you. After all I didn't write the question you could've told me your answer in a private message without flipping the script and trying to make me look like I had no home training.Good luck to you honey

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