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how did you..?

Posted by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 1:55 PM
  • 17 Replies

How did you end your relationship with your children's father?

Did you talk about visitation and custody etc. after you told him you were done with him? or did you wait until later?

I'm attempting to end it sometime tomorrow and i'm pretty nervous and scared about it but I know that this is what needs to happen, it's just a matter of going it.

by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 1:55 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Moniquemarie1
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 2:04 PM

When I split with my ex husband, we discussed my daughter with the initial discussion.  It was understood that she would be with me and that we are free to arrange our own visits.  We have that established with our divorce/custody decree also.  I broke up with my son's father when I found out I was pregnant and through court, I have the same agreement with him that visitation is up to us.  I don't recall much discussion with him, I just took him to court. 

adulation
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 2:15 PM

i don't know your situation and i have a feeling mine was different [he wasnt around for the pregnancy, birth, most of her life, etc] but i did file for child support when she was born. they put a "recommended" visitation schedule in the child support order but we never followed it because he didn't know if he wanted her in his life or not.

so we're trying to work on the visitation issue now, but to him it's like "i'll call sometime when i want to see her" and one day out of nowhere he'll be like "can we meet up soon?" and then i wont hear from him for a few more days.  it's so stupid.

so i could actually use some advice on setting up visitation.!  though i know he would never agree to a schedule.  he's told me many times he can't  commit to seeing her on certain days because he never knows what he'll have going on. ["djing" and partying is more important to him than seeing his children].

You should maybe try to contact your OAG and see if they can offer any advice.

but it's one of those things where you'll probably want to take some time to absorb the situation before you start working on it.  it is work.


claires_mommy07
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 2:22 PM

When my ex husband and I split up I was only about 3 months pregnant and we didn't really discuss anything haha.  He just walked out and when he realized that I wasn't going to go crawling back to him and I was actually standing up for myself he filed for the divorce.  The divorce papers had a proposed visitation schedule in there and everything but he would never sign any papers until after my dd was born.  And even then he tried to humiliate me by requesting a paternity test even though he knew there was no way she could only be his.  But then once the results came and it showed he was the father (big shock right) he asked if he could sign away his rights.  I agreed and he hasn't been around since then.  I don't get any child support by allowing him to do it but I weighed all my options and decided that money from him every month wasn't worth the chance that he might actually use his visitation just to piss me off.  My dd was too important to me to take that chance so I agreed and got him out of our lives for good.




 




 

kcook55
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 2:30 PM

he broke up with me i didn't even know there was a problem we were supposed to get married in 3 days. earlier that day he said his mom called and said his grandma was in the hospital and said i'm going to see her and will be back in a few days i said ok than a couple hrs later he came back and i asked he what was going on i thought you were going to go see your grandma we lived in Kansas and she lived in Missouri and he said i'm done i'm leaving and took a few clothes with him he brought the cops with him and he said i'm taking the car so i told the cop i want my battery and my starter off the car cuz there main and the cop wouldn't let me have them even tho i had prove they where mine the cop stayed outside and when he went to the bedroom i asked him what was going on and why he was leaving he said i'm tried of everything and your mom she had been there 2 days so i said whatever do what you want but your never going to see my kids again i was pregnant with my daughter you know how pregnant women get lol so he told me well i will see you in court and i'm getting Devlin i told him no your not Devlin is my son a few days later he came back and tried to take Devlin i told him go ahead take him and you will be in jail before you hit the city limits he decided he didn't want to take him


NananRaysmom
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 2:45 PM

He had no clue.  He went out of town for work one weekend...when he came home we were gone.  All I left him was his couch...one of the beds from a spare room and some food.  We just didnt get along...but, we didn't have HUGE problems.  We actually have an awesome relationship now...but, I know we cant live together again any time soon.  I wish we could buy a duplex and each have our own half! 

Im too attached to the kids...and he knows that.  He is more than welcome to take them while I work if school is out.  But, if I am not at work...they are with me.  I trust him...he used to watch them while I worked then he worked nights.  So...its not that I dont trust him...I am just already gone from them all day.  He can stay the night here..and we do family things a few times a week.  But, they dont leave me.  He puts money in the kids savings account every month...and buys them clothes and anything they need.  We dont really do child support.  He pays our car insurance, cable bill, he always renews my plates on my car, pays for any up keep on my cars.  We never wanted to get the courts involved and were able to work it out where we are both happy with it.   We will eventually find a way to get around our problems and live together again...but, I really prefer it like this right now.

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Beth5289
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 6:32 PM

My situation was kind of unique but I'll give you the run down anyway, incase part of it may help you.  My ex and I were both in the military, he was stationed about 4 1/2hrs away and DD stayed with me.  My ex was emotionally abusive, and I was worried he would get physical when I told him, so I told him while he was away.  I told his CO first, because I wanted to know if he left the boat (I wanted a head start away) also they ended up having to put him on a suicide watch for a bit afterwards.

He knew something was up because I had been distant.  He said he was having a bad day.  I said "well, it's about to get worse.  I filed for divorce and don't come here now.  I've changed the locks and I have a restraining order."  To say he was upset is an understatement.  He pleaded, I told him it didn't matter anymore, it was over, I already filed.  Conversation went on like this for 10 minutes or so.  Then I told him I was hanging up, and I would talk to him again when we could have a calm conversation.  It took weeks to have an actual conversation with him again. 

And we never really set down visitation, because our schedules are so varied.  Our divorce decree says something along the lines of joint custody. Mother has primary custody.  Father has vistation as parties agree. 

I think, in the initial shock, you should probably just tell him it's over.  Let that settle in and the emotions calm and then discuss parenting plans.

Sometime once told me that it's like ripping off a bandaid.  The anticipation is worse than the actual act. It sucks, but you'll get through it.  And you'll feel much better afterward.  Good luck mama!  :: hugs ::

Beth

tyfry7496
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 6:46 PM

 I packed up and moved out. I busted him cheating on my and moved back in with my parents. There was no discussion about my son, I was 4 months pregnant. He hasn't been in my sons life for the last 13 years and I knew that was going to happen.

Mommyof2n0308
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 8:32 PM

I am very interested in getting my BD to sign his rights over. I have emails from his "wife" stating this is what they want also (then more saying its not what they want) I was told if you are on state assistance they wont let you go about it in this way. Does anyone know how this works? are you on ANY state assistance at all? Im sorry, and bash me all you want, but Id much rather be on state assistance than have anything to do with this POS.

Quoting claires_mommy07:

When my ex husband and I split up I was only about 3 months pregnant and we didn't really discuss anything haha.  He just walked out and when he realized that I wasn't going to go crawling back to him and I was actually standing up for myself he filed for the divorce.  The divorce papers had a proposed visitation schedule in there and everything but he would never sign any papers until after my dd was born.  And even then he tried to humiliate me by requesting a paternity test even though he knew there was no way she could only be his.  But then once the results came and it showed he was the father (big shock right) he asked if he could sign away his rights.  I agreed and he hasn't been around since then.  I don't get any child support by allowing him to do it but I weighed all my options and decided that money from him every month wasn't worth the chance that he might actually use his visitation just to piss me off.  My dd was too important to me to take that chance so I agreed and got him out of our lives for good.


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jennaloo42
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 8:41 PM


Quoting Mommyof2n0308:

I am very interested in getting my BD to sign his rights over. I have emails from his "wife" stating this is what they want also (then more saying its not what they want) I was told if you are on state assistance they wont let you go about it in this way. Does anyone know how this works? are you on ANY state assistance at all? Im sorry, and bash me all you want, but Id much rather be on state assistance than have anything to do with this POS.


I live in NYS, and my lawyer told me she has only seen someone sign away their rights successfully ONCE.  Judges don't want to do it unless the custodial parent is getting married and has someone to adopt the child.  It makes sense.  You could try and go about it "outside of court"... aka drafting your own document and both signing it and getting it notarized.  In my opinion, it's not worth it.  It's something you do now, and you never know what will happen in the future.  I have not gone down this road, even though my ex is basically a ghost, just b/c I want that option in the future... who knows how much money/support you'll need as this child gets older.  Just file for fair child support and leave it at that.  Or, don't.  If you leave him alone, he'll be less likely to try and get involved.  I would suggest not making it official b/c you might regret it later.

Also- to answer the main question...
My ex & I split while I was still I pregnant.  Since I was moving back to my home state 10 hours away, I tried talking to him about this stuff every day b4 I moved.  Every day it was "do you realize this" and "I hope you know that".  He never listened.  I warned him about all the things he'd miss, and all the mess he'd have to go through.  His ego didn't let him hear it, and  now it's all coming true.  I'd talk to your soon to be ex, and lay it all out there.  Be prepared for him not to listen.  You can't force him to listen, just make the effort to be honest.  Good luck to you!

lissa27504
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 9:13 PM

When my ex husband and I split there was no discussion.   I decided I was divorcing him, the next day I saw and attorney about what I had to do because the house was in his name (I didn't want any part of the house in the divorce but I had no where to go so I needed to be able to stay in the house with the kids).   My attorney filed for divorce from bed and board which forced him out of the house for an unspecified amount of time (as long as it took me to find a place).   I went home and said "I am getting a divorce from bed and board, you have 24 hours to get your stuff out.  You will be allowed to see the kids on Tuesday and Wednesday----your days off.  Your visitation will be from 6:30am - 4:00pm on those days.   There will be no overnight visits with you until I move out."   He didn't really have a say so---(at the time) he wasn't doing drugs or anything.  We just didn't want to be married anymore---we never got along and argued all the time (he was cheating on me but the marriage was over before it started).   I just wasn't letting my kids go and stay at his ex-brother-in-law's house!!!!!!    He didn't like it and I told him 'then get an attorney.'   he never did!

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