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need some serious baby daddy advice

Posted by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 2:37 PM
  • 20 Replies

So this is kind of embarrising but i figure single moms is the best group to ask advice in. Im very torn as to what to do. I had been in a relationship with my ex for a year and then we broke up and shortly after i found out i was pregnant. well the day after we broke up i was very upset and my friend invited me to  hang out with her and her best guy friend and his roommate to get drunk. well being as upset as i was i thought that it sounded fun so i went. well the mistake was that I got drunk. my friend ended up hooking up with her best her friend and then i somehow ended up hooking up with his roommate. Until recently i never even thought for a second he could be the father of my son and i never really thought about it thru out my pregnancy so i told my ex that it was his when i found out i was pregnant. Well 10 months flew by i had my son and we relaized that he looks NOTHING like my ex. he doesnt know about my drunken one night stand but he knew something wasnt right and i ended up telling him so we no longer talk anymore. But I have yet to find kasons father yet im not sure if i want to. I mean i know that it would be selfish of me not to and very unfair to him. but i think whats stopping me is that i dont think he even remembers me. It was almost a year ago and we were both just completely trashed. I guess im scared of his reaction to it. I dont want anything from him no child support or anything, but i feel he should know i just dont know how to tell him. any advice on this?

please if you have something mean to say just dont, I already feel awful about the situation, thats not the kind of person i am and i made a huge mistake by getting drunk. (im not saying my son is a mistake he is very much a blessing to me)

by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 2:37 PM
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Replies (1-10):
TiredMommy6906
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 2:45 PM

I'm sorry about the situation. I think you should tell him and introduce yourself and what happened, so that you don't have to know if he remembers you or not. Then, tell him he is the father and you thought he should know. Then, leave. Make it short and simple. If he wants anything to do with your son, then he'll call.

Good luck! 

I am a single mom of a beautiful 3 year old girl named Sarah. I am a Christian, vaxing sometimes, non-bashing, college student, against abortion - but believe in prochoice, and believer in anyone who intentionally hurts a child deserves the death penalty (this doesn't include reasonable discipline measures)!

Aidansmom213
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 3:04 PM

Don't feel bad or beat yourself up. I would however track this guy down and do a little investigating.Find out a little ....or a lot about him before you tell him your child might be his.This person might be a not so good guy you know? If he is ....then make your mind up.

Kissybratzmom
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 5:52 PM

Honey, we all make mistakes. I sure hope nobody bashes you for it. We're supposed to be a support system for one another. It's not like you're on Maury testing 5 guys to be the dad. Just because the baby looks nothing like the ex doesn't mean he can't be his. My son looks nothing like his dad whatsoever..and he IS his. I would get a DNA test first before moving on to this other guy. At that (as the pp said) I would find more out about him before saying anything. Good luck!!

Jasons_Mami
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 6:05 PM

Your ex needs to be tested b4 u bring the other man into it.  I believe they do the testing in family court if you can't afford it yourself. If his name is on the birth certificate he HAS to take the test in court

single_and_preg
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 6:20 PM

Oh man thats a stressful situation. I would say get your EX tested first to see if he is the father.

If he's not, then you know the other guy is, then I guess you could try to track him down and find out more about him and let him know.

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kasonsmommy1114
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 7:26 PM


Quoting Kissybratzmom:

Honey, we all make mistakes. I sure hope nobody bashes you for it. We're supposed to be a support system for one another. It's not like you're on Maury testing 5 guys to be the dad. Just because the baby looks nothing like the ex doesn't mean he can't be his. My son looks nothing like his dad whatsoever..and he IS his. I would get a DNA test first before moving on to this other guy. At that (as the pp said) I would find more out about him before saying anything. Good luck!!


sorry guess i forgot to add that my ex is half hispanic and my son is all white. plus he looks like the other guy. i have a picture of him from that night and i just compare the two of them all the time.

Ewadun
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 7:27 PM

Sista, we all make mistakes. Hopefully, you'll get the answers you seek through my story. I too have sat in your hot seat. I'm going to help you play the tape forward. The only difference is I chose to sleep with the man at my Bachelorette party and I knew the moment of conception. I officially found out that I was pregnant, during my honeymoon, at the Mardi Gras. Initially, I thought maybe I could slide and take a stand on non-existent virtues. I was convicted by my guilt and held prisoner by my own mind. On the other hand, I knew that what's done in the dark, dies at the light of exposure. I didn't want to live my life looking over my shoulder. I also didn't want my son to heroize his absent Father nor accuse me of keeping them apart. I tried desperately to keep hope alive that he could be my husband's till he was born. He looked exactly like his Father, the other guy, and also had his blood type, A+. My Husband and I both had O (and yes, I secretly checked our families). After three months of pure agony, I decided to tell my Husband. He promptly threw me and my son out. He also divorced me. I found my son's Father and told him. His response "I'm not ready to be a Dad, afterall I'm still finding myself. I mean you're cute and all but I'm not ready for no relationship." His family forced him to have a relationship with his son and they too spent time with him.

In addition, I had another shocking revelation. My husband's niece needed an operation and the doctors felt her best chances for non-rejection was to blood transfusions of  the original blood type, B+. Only her Father, my husband's brother had this. Imagine if my son had needed a similar operation and he needed a blood transfusion. (Blood is, by the way, very expensive). This would've been a helluva way for my husband to find out.

Three years later, my ex husband proposed to me again and we remarried. He said "It takes a hellluva woman to tell the truth and expect to live." Our son is now 26 years old and his birth father has managed to effectively avoid child support and the call challenging paternity by quitting his job and moving from state to state.  Mind you, this was before the computer system now in effect. My son has spent time with him haphazardly. At 16, I allowed my son to make a decision on whether he wanted to continue seeing his birth father. He chose not to. He told me "He's not the kind of man I wanna be like AT ALL!. I'll respect him because of who he is, but otherwise, please no more visits. The only man I consider to be my Dad is Bob (my husband)."

In retrospect, my decision to take a stand for something or fall for anything was sorely needed to prepare me for parenthood and forced me to own up to my own naivety, irresponsibility, impulsiveness and addictions. It made me more receptive to the spiritual principles of : caring, faith, forgiveness, honesty, humility, integrity, meditation, open-mindedness, patience, perseverance, practicality, prayer, prudency, resilience, tolerance and unconditional love. This has added strength to my character.  

Beth5289
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 7:50 PM

No judgement here.

I think you'll regret it if you don't find the father and tell him he has a child.  At least you'll be able to tell your son that his father knows about him later in life.

I am sorry you're going through a difficult time.  Good Luck mama!

Beth

kasonsmommy1114
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 7:58 PM


Quoting Ewadun:

Sista, we all make mistakes. Hopefully, you'll get the answers you seek through my story. I too have sat in your hot seat. The only difference is I chose to sleep with the man at my Bachelorette party and I knew the moment of conception. I officially found out that I was pregnant, during my honeymoon, at the Mardi Gras. Initially, I thought maybe I could slide and take a stand on non-existent virtues. I was convicted by my guilt and held prisoner by my own mind. On the other hand, I knew that what's done in the dark, dies at the light of exposure. I didn't want to live my life looking over my shoulder. I also didn't want my son to heroize his absent Father nor accuse me of keeping them apart. I tried desperately to keep hope alive that he could be my husband's till he was born. He looked exactly like his Father, the other guy, and also had his blood type, A+. My Husband and I both had O (and yes, I secretly checked our families). After three months of pure agony, I decided to tell my Husband. He promptly threw me and my son out. He also divorced me. I found my son's Father and told him. His response "I'm not ready to be a Dad, afterall I'm still finding myself. I mean you're cute and all but I'm not ready for no relationship." His family forced him to have a relationship with his son and they too spent time with him.

In addition, I had another shocking revelation. My husband's niece needed an operation and the doctors felt her best chances for non-rejection was to blood transfusions of  the original blood type, B+. Only her Father, my husband's brother had this. Imagine if my son had needed a similar operation and he needed a blood transfusion. (Blood is, by the way, very expensive). This would've been a helluva way for my husband to find out.

Three years later, my ex husband proposed to me again and we remarried. He said "It takes a hellluva woman to tell the truth and expect to live." Our son is now 26 years old and his birth father has managed to effectively avoid child support and the call challenging paternity by quitting his job and moving from state to state.  Mind you, this was before the computer system now in effect. My son has spent time with him haphazardly. At 16, I allowed my son to make a decision on whether he wanted to continue seeing his birth father. He chose not to. He told me "He's not the kind of man I wanna be like AT ALL!. I'll respect him because of who he is, but otherwise, please no more visits. The only man I consider to be my Dad is Bob (my husband)."

In retrospect, my decision to take a stand for something or fall for anything was sorely needed to prepare me for parenthood and forced me to own up to my own naivety, irresponsibility, impulsiveness and addictions. It made me more receptive to the spiritual principles of : caring, faith, forgiveness, honesty, humility, integrity, meditation, open-mindedness, patience, perseverance, practicality, prayer, prudency, resilience, tolerance and unconditional love. This has added strength to my character.  

Thank you so much for sharing all that. Im glad everything worked out in the end for you and your husband. :)

kasonsmommy1114
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 8:00 PM


Quoting Beth5289:

No judgement here.

I think you'll regret it if you don't find the father and tell him he has a child.  At least you'll be able to tell your son that his father knows about him later in life.

I am sorry you're going through a difficult time.  Good Luck mama!

 

Thats the one thing thats been bugging me the whole time is that I dont ever want to lie to my son or tell him that his father has no idea that he even exsist.  

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