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How can I handle this without looking like the fool?

Posted by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 12:36 AM
  • 17 Replies

I am struggling trying to deal with my babys father and his girlfriend. I do not know how to handle the fact that he has not been in the picture for a year and now he is, and me and this girl have HISTORY, as in, never got along b/c we liked the same guy= my babys father. I ended up pregnant, and they ended up in a relationship. Baby was born and she spent most of her time speaking badly of me and my child (from what I heard from many sources). Now I have since become totally repulsed by this guy and the only reason I even look in his direction still is because of my child. He was not around and now he is, so he probably will change his mind again but for the time being I am dealing with this.

So, should I request to speak to his g/f and clear things up? Only bc she will most likely be around my child at least a little bit. I know she will act smug bc she will know I hate her being around my pride and joy baby and she thinks I am in love with her man, which I am not. I would just like to not feel this negative energy about the whole situation, but she is a really jealus women and acts like a fifth grader.

My sister keeps telling me STRONGLY that I should NOT try to talk to her, bc they will end up laughing at me and I will look like a big fool trying to hang on to him. I am not sure why she feels this way bc the way that I think about it is...it is my child, so I want to make sure my child is in a good environment. Every child needs a dad, I get that, so I am trying to handle this situation as maturely as possible with the most immature of people. My first instinct was to run from this situation but its the most selfish thing to do, so I am trying to accept that this is a part of life now.

So should I try to talk with her? And what should I say?

I also am trying to figure out how to bring up the fact that I really do not want any overnight visits right now, to the father, and that I would like to do the dropping and picking up bc I think he drives like a lunatic. I think I will just hurt his little man ego though and he will be stubborn.

And how do I handle safety topics, like, saying "you need to vacuem bc the baby will eat the crap on your floor". Things like that worry me when a guy decides he wants to be a father, has never taken care of a mobile baby, and on top of that wont communicate with me properly.

 

Please let me know how you have/would handle this situation b/c I keep getting different kinds of advice from people in my family , and none of them have really been through it.

by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 12:36 AM
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Replies (1-10):
kasonsmommy1114
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 12:45 AM

Do you get child support from him? He doesnt seem like a bright guy at all...I would take his money get his rights taken away or give him supervised visits with your baby. Truthfully tho...dont bother with this chick, she has no reason to be around your baby anyways...its not like she is married to your babys daddy so you really shouldnt have to deal with her. Let her say sh*t who cares, just dont let anything she says get to you females can be b**ches to each other sometimes esspecially when it comes to guys. But if he shows no interest in being in your babies life then take his money and go hun...you want your child to have a stable father...not a dude whos gonna run in and out...my son doesnt have a dad right now and im perfectly happy with it...i have plenty of guy friends and a brother to give him that male influence/bonding he needs 

mytrueloveS
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 12:52 AM

Don't bother with her, like you said, the father of your child might disappear after a while.  I'm trying to deal with something similar, my ex has already had his new girlfriend around my child.  Oh well, have to learn to accept it.  Just ignore her, she's not worth your time.

Kissybratzmom
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 12:52 AM

Ok, as for the g/f..I don't have any advice. If the dad has not been in the childs life for over a year and is just now showing that he wants to be involved, by all means, do not send your child anywhere with him! I would do supervised visits for quite some time. 1. So he can get to know the child 2. If you send the child with a complete stranger, I don't see that going well 3. You don't know how he will interact with your child. I also wold not allow any overnight visits for quite some time. Unless you have a court order for custody/visitation, you don't know owe him anything. Do not let him push you around!

My advice on the cleanliness factor, if and when that times comes tell him you expect the place to clean and you want to see each time you drop the child off that it is a clean and safe enviroment for the child.

CurvyMommato1
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 12:53 AM

Trust me, I feel you on that response..It is definately my first instinct to get as far away from him as possible, but I do think he wants to do the right thing, he just has bad influences (g/f for example, and partying) but he has rights, and in my state you cannot really do anything about it unless a person has a bad record for drugs or something along those lines......So I have to do the best thing for my child now, and that is let him have a father. And I cant even have a say in who he brings around either....its one of those liberal states I guess. Mothers get most of the rights but the fathers get definate visiting rights and its not on my terms, so all I can really do is try to make it as comfortable as possible for myself, I dont want to be worrying for the next decade.

CurvyMommato1
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 12:56 AM


Quoting Kissybratzmom:

Ok, as for the g/f..I don't have any advice. If the dad has not been in the childs life for over a year and is just now showing that he wants to be involved, by all means, do not send your child anywhere with him! I would do supervised visits for quite some time. 1. So he can get to know the child 2. If you send the child with a complete stranger, I don't see that going well 3. You don't know how he will interact with your child. I also wold not allow any overnight visits for quite some time. Unless you have a court order for custody/visitation, you don't know owe him anything. Do not let him push you around!

My advice on the cleanliness factor, if and when that times comes tell him you expect the place to clean and you want to see each time you drop the child off that it is a clean and safe enviroment for the child.

Thanks. I want to be able to do these things but I have spoken with two lawyers who have told me that if he really wants to press the issue he can go to court and they will easily give him what he wants. They do not even do supervised visits anymore unless there is a unique reason, which I do not have. They really dont care that a baby doesnt know strangers or anything, they figure they will adapt and they dont like to hear drama cases so I thought talking it out could help and we could avoid going that route.

Kissybratzmom
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 1:18 AM

I don't know what state you live in, but I don't see a judge sending a one year old child with a complete stranger. That's insane. If you can work it out outside of court..great. Just be careful. Is he on the birth certificate at all? If he is (in most states) and if he decides not to bring the child back the law will not get involved unless you have a custody/visitation order. My best friend went through that with her ex. If he's not on it, they can go after him. That's one reason why my ex is not on the birth certificate.

My son is almost 14 months and my ex has seen him once, which was 2 weeks ago. I am trying to get along with him to keep it out of court. As long as it's out of court, the ball is in my court. He has to go by what I say, or he doesn't see him. At first he insisted he wanted to take him for an entire day, and I said no way. Then he was insistent that he was bringing his g/f with him, and I said no. Long story short, I think she wouldn't let him come if she couldn't come. I met her in court and she looked like she wore the pants in the relationship. The one time he made plans to come see him, he bailed. Now that he's single, he is showing intrest. I gave him a few reasons why I didn't want her around at first. 1. HE needed to get to know his son 2. HE needs to talk to me to get to know him 3. I don't know how long she will be around and I don't want women in and out of my childs life. He said, oh no we live together, and yada yada. Yada, yada, broke up now LOL You do not have to allow his g/f to be around.

Quoting CurvyMommato1:


Quoting Kissybratzmom:

Ok, as for the g/f..I don't have any advice. If the dad has not been in the childs life for over a year and is just now showing that he wants to be involved, by all means, do not send your child anywhere with him! I would do supervised visits for quite some time. 1. So he can get to know the child 2. If you send the child with a complete stranger, I don't see that going well 3. You don't know how he will interact with your child. I also wold not allow any overnight visits for quite some time. Unless you have a court order for custody/visitation, you don't know owe him anything. Do not let him push you around!

My advice on the cleanliness factor, if and when that times comes tell him you expect the place to clean and you want to see each time you drop the child off that it is a clean and safe enviroment for the child.

Thanks. I want to be able to do these things but I have spoken with two lawyers who have told me that if he really wants to press the issue he can go to court and they will easily give him what he wants. They do not even do supervised visits anymore unless there is a unique reason, which I do not have. They really dont care that a baby doesnt know strangers or anything, they figure they will adapt and they dont like to hear drama cases so I thought talking it out could help and we could avoid going that route.


happymommy1105
by Gold Member on Jan. 18, 2010 at 9:13 AM

The girlfriend you need to pay no heed to. Don't make drama where there is none.  If you want to talk to her in the future about the situation because she has become a regular part of your child's life, then go for it.  But for now, leave well enough alone.  

It is what it is.  Nothing more nothing less.

Now moving on, you can get anything you want written into a paternity agreement.  You can have it written in that there can be no overnight guests of the opposite sex if you are not married.  You can have it written in that there this girl cannot be around your child at all.  You can have it written in that he can only feed your kid chicken nuggets and applesauce if you want.  

The point is, no matter how small or how stupid, you can have it written into that agreement. 

A judge might laugh at you but you can have it in there.  

Also, you need to highly consider the choices this man is making.  If you think it's not safe for him to drive around the baby- are you really willing to allow him unsurprised time time with the baby?  

greenlover
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 9:53 AM

I agree with the others about not talking to the girlfriend.  I don't like my ex's girlfriend for many reasons.  However I have to deal with her when I drop the kids off (he still knows better then to bring her to my house when he drops the kids back off).  I don't like her, I am pretty sure she doesn't like me and I could really care less.  What I do is I go drop the kids off and I am nice to her.  I have even held conversations with her. I say hi and see ya and leave it at that.  I refuse to let her bother me or think she is bothering me.  I always go in with a smile on then as soon as I am out of sight I roll my eyes and move on.  I sometimes send a quick vent text to a friend but that is about it.  She for the moment is in my childrens life and I will not let her make me look bad by being mean to her or starting things with her.  When they get older if she is still around they will see her for who she is without my help. 

CurvyMommato1
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 10:19 AM


Quoting Kissybratzmom:

I don't know what state you live in, but I don't see a judge sending a one year old child with a complete stranger. That's insane. If you can work it out outside of court..great. Just be careful. Is he on the birth certificate at all? If he is (in most states) and if he decides not to bring the child back the law will not get involved unless you have a custody/visitation order. My best friend went through that with her ex. If he's not on it, they can go after him. That's one reason why my ex is not on the birth certificate.

My son is almost 14 months and my ex has seen him once, which was 2 weeks ago. I am trying to get along with him to keep it out of court. As long as it's out of court, the ball is in my court. He has to go by what I say, or he doesn't see him. At first he insisted he wanted to take him for an entire day, and I said no way. Then he was insistent that he was bringing his g/f with him, and I said no. Long story short, I think she wouldn't let him come if she couldn't come. I met her in court and she looked like she wore the pants in the relationship. The one time he made plans to come see him, he bailed. Now that he's single, he is showing intrest. I gave him a few reasons why I didn't want her around at first. 1. HE needed to get to know his son 2. HE needs to talk to me to get to know him 3. I don't know how long she will be around and I don't want women in and out of my childs life. He said, oh no we live together, and yada yada. Yada, yada, broke up now LOL You do not have to allow his g/f to be around.

 

I asked about that with the lawyer and she said no, he couldnt just take him for however long if he was on the birth certificate. but I dont believe her! and i didnt want him on the b.c. but he filed for test, he strongly wanted to be on there all of the sudden. And from what lawyers tell me I cant request silly things like that, noone will side with me, and he will end up getting my baby for 3 weeks in the summer, possibly starting this summer. SO i am hoping we can work it out without courts, but you all think I should just leave it be huh?

Kissybratzmom
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 10:58 AM

If I were you, I would NOT take him to court. You would be wasting  your money and giving him visitation. Let HIM take you to court if anything. Does he even have the money to do so?? It's not cheap! I say just try and keep it out of court if you can.

Out of curiosity, what state do you live in??

Quoting CurvyMommato1:


Quoting Kissybratzmom:

I don't know what state you live in, but I don't see a judge sending a one year old child with a complete stranger. That's insane. If you can work it out outside of court..great. Just be careful. Is he on the birth certificate at all? If he is (in most states) and if he decides not to bring the child back the law will not get involved unless you have a custody/visitation order. My best friend went through that with her ex. If he's not on it, they can go after him. That's one reason why my ex is not on the birth certificate.

My son is almost 14 months and my ex has seen him once, which was 2 weeks ago. I am trying to get along with him to keep it out of court. As long as it's out of court, the ball is in my court. He has to go by what I say, or he doesn't see him. At first he insisted he wanted to take him for an entire day, and I said no way. Then he was insistent that he was bringing his g/f with him, and I said no. Long story short, I think she wouldn't let him come if she couldn't come. I met her in court and she looked like she wore the pants in the relationship. The one time he made plans to come see him, he bailed. Now that he's single, he is showing intrest. I gave him a few reasons why I didn't want her around at first. 1. HE needed to get to know his son 2. HE needs to talk to me to get to know him 3. I don't know how long she will be around and I don't want women in and out of my childs life. He said, oh no we live together, and yada yada. Yada, yada, broke up now LOL You do not have to allow his g/f to be around.

 

I asked about that with the lawyer and she said no, he couldnt just take him for however long if he was on the birth certificate. but I dont believe her! and i didnt want him on the b.c. but he filed for test, he strongly wanted to be on there all of the sudden. And from what lawyers tell me I cant request silly things like that, noone will side with me, and he will end up getting my baby for 3 weeks in the summer, possibly starting this summer. SO i am hoping we can work it out without courts, but you all think I should just leave it be huh?


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