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Help, Need Advice and Encouragment

Posted by on May. 2, 2010 at 6:30 PM
  • 5 Replies

this may be long but i really need some support.

Hello I'm Hannah and this is my first post on CafeMom.  I'm 24 years old and expecting my first child in September. When I first found out I must admit I was leaning towards an abortion, but my bf convinced me that we would do it together and that he loved me and would never leave my side.  Well 2 wks ago while I was 20 wks along he did exactly that.  He left.

The reasons aren't the usual dead beat dad reasons either.

He has been in and out of treatment since he was 18 and is 25 now.  His mom says he has gone back and forth from extreme christianity to drug abuse, This will be the fourth time.  So that's what happened.  When I first met him I didn't even like him he was abusing drugs and alchol and talked very disrespectfully and was in a lifestyle I wasn't looking for at all.  But he was fun on the weekends.  Then I got a phone call that he had been kicked out of his parents house and needed a place to crash for a few days.  Well a few days turned into 8 months and him becoming my boyfriend.  When he wasn't around his dumb friends and drinking and smoking he was a very smart guy I saw with alot of potential.  I always seem to go for those types.  So I made it clear the drugs would not be tolerated and I thought he wasn't for most of our relationship.

Well 2 weeks ago out of the clear blue he got lunch with on of his friends from his christian treatment center.  And I was wary of this right away.  My boyfriend tends to follow others leads and well that's exactly what happened.  He came home after a day with this guy and was completly 180% a different person.  He said he had decided to live for Jesus Christ and he was no longer going to have sex with me until we are married and that I had to understand that me and our daughter would always come 2nd to his relationship with God.  He told me he didn't want to watch TV anymore and wanted to read the bible everyday, attend church 3 times a week, and pray everyday for atleast 2 hours.  Then he continued to say that he would not marry me until I was "saved." Now don't get me wrong this is all well and good for some people.  But not for me.  He had known who I was from the very beginning and to agree to all this would make me miserable and resentful for the rest of my life.  So now he is living with this 33 minister who is a virgin and has no tv in his house and prays 8 hours a day.  And I have only heard from him once.  When I tried to tell him I would comprimise with him.  I told him I would love to go to church with him on Sundays and buy our baby a baby bible.  And he could read the bible to me at night.  But I can't go to this extreme.  He cried and said he missed me and had takin it too far and just wanted to see me.  So I was to pick him up from work the next day so we could get dinner and see a movie.  I was so happy.

My doctor had told me from the depression I was losing weight and was at high risk for pre-term labor and I had told me ex this and he just wanted to make things better.  So I was so happy I ate that night and got my first good nights sleep in a week. 

Well it was too good to be true the next day I got a phone call and he left a message saying. "Hannah I don't think it's wise we see eachother today I don't think it's healthy.  And I don't think we should talk for awhile anymore.  I love you and the most loving thing I can do for you is live my life for Jesus Christ.  I will pray for you and beyond that everything is out of control."

He hasn't called me now for a week and half.

Now here's my main issue.  He lived with me for 8 months rent free.  My parents bought all of his food.  We bought him a car we were just waiting for him to pay to get his license back becasue he has 2 DWI's.  I had got him 2 jobs through my friends.  He worked them 2 weeks and then left me when he was supposed to start contributing.  And the worst part is, he called my parents and admitted that he stole prescription pain pills, wine, and money from their wallets on numerous occasions during our relationship. I knew non of this I wouldn't have thought in a million years any of this was going on.  He totally had me fooled.  I feel like a idiot, but the worst part is somedays I just want him to come back so I can get him help with his obvious chemical embalance, he's searching for something and I don't think he will find it this way considering that it has never worked for him in the past.  I'm scared for my baby when she is born and the custody issues.  He is an addict and an extremist.  I am no in counceling and probably going on meds soon.

Most days I just cry.  I know in light of everything I have discovered I shouldn't want him to come back but sometimes I do.  But when I'm being honest with myself I know that I never really knew him at all, he was being sneaky the whole time.  He used to scream in my face and throw furniture off our balcony and go out drinking with his friends and not come home.  But the last month of our realtionship I thought things were getting better only to discover he was stealing prescription drugs.  I feel used and deceived.  Do I really want that back?  Not to mention this person he is being now is absolutly ridiculous.  I don't care what your reasoning is you don't leave your pregnant girlfriend behind and not even ask about anything if you are a real man.  So I wouldn't want the person he is trying to become either.  I feel like I'm mourning a death.  The person I knew is nowhere to be found.  He didn't even sound like himself on the phone.  I think this is all very selfish.  I just want to tell him sorry you don't get the luxary of doing this 180 as you have in the past we are having a baby togther and I did everything I could for you. There is nothing more I could have done. 

Sadly I hope my day comes when he snaps out of this extreme and tries to come back to me and he can feel the pain he is causing me right now.  This is probably a terrible thing to say but I can't help that feeling.  How can he say he loves me when he wants to change everything about myself to be with him?

His mother calls and cries to me often.  And tells me I was the best thing that ever happened to him and she can't believe he is acting this way.  Because she knows when he can't live up to this standard his history shows he turns to drugs and stealing.  No medium ground.  I wish nothing more that he would pull positive things from the bible but still live a normal life. I dont know....

I'm sorry this was so long but any encouragment of advice would be greatly appreciated not a day goes by that I don't cry and wonder if he's thinking of us.  Or what the future will hold for me and my unborn child.  I hate going to the doctors appointments without him or preparing her nursery alone. It breaks my heart we were supposed to do this together, right?

Odds and Ends: No he was not raised with these beliefs they came to him in this christian treatment center.  And no nothing about religion ever even came up during our relatioship.

What's going to happen with custody of our daughter?  He is moving into a house with 2 guys that just got out of this treatment center and I don't want my daughter in there ever.

I will stop rambling if anyone has any questions let me know....

by on May. 2, 2010 at 6:30 PM
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Replies (1-5):
Shy_Dia
by Silver Member on May. 2, 2010 at 6:39 PM

 you are supposed to do it together, but sometimes, it just doesnt work out that way. he doesnt really seem healthy in any way. from drugs to God, God to drugs. he will never be able to find that middle ground.

my personal opinion? try to forget about him. mourn the relationship that once was. it will never come back- and it shouldnt. you dont DESERVE to be abused like that- to be threatened, to not know WHO he is, or isnt.

I'm not sure what will come out of him, or even your life, but forget about him. focus on you and the baby. its harder now b/c you dont have anyone to hold on to, but a few more months, and you will. your time and energy will be focused on that little baby.

jeepingirrl
by on May. 2, 2010 at 6:43 PM

Im sorry you are going through this! He sounds like quite a handful. I personally could not put up with the fanatic religious talk. You can have this baby and raise the baby without him. I know it is not something you planned on doing, but you can.  Life always turns us in directions we never planned on.

If it is his history to go from this extreme back to drugs you and the baby are much better off if he is gone. You now have to start thinking of what is best for your baby and a lying, stealing druggie is not in the best interest of anyone. Stay strong momma......you will get through this!

Londyland
by on May. 2, 2010 at 7:30 PM

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I know you said you are not all religious but my only real advice is to pray that you find peace in this situation.  Things don't always happen the way we envision them and that can be a very painful realization, however, it will get better.  I know it's hard but you will learn to shift your focus on what's important (you and your baby). It's okay to feel the way you do and it's ok to cry it out.  But once your baby gets here, you will look at him/her and be happier than you can possibly imagine.  

Leave him alone for now.  If and when he's ready he will return, but hopefully he will be a better man.  Good luck to you and congratulations on your bundle of joy.  Stay strong, everything will be ok.  The Single Mom's group is a wonderful bunch of women who have been there and done that and can offer lots of encouragement and advice.  They have definitely helped me through my tough days and I pray they do the same for you.

 

Tracyfly
by on May. 2, 2010 at 9:32 PM


Quoting Shy_Dia:

 you are supposed to do it together, but sometimes, it just doesnt work out that way. he doesnt really seem healthy in any way. from drugs to God, God to drugs. he will never be able to find that middle ground.

my personal opinion? try to forget about him. mourn the relationship that once was. it will never come back- and it shouldnt. you dont DESERVE to be abused like that- to be threatened, to not know WHO he is, or isnt.

I'm not sure what will come out of him, or even your life, but forget about him. focus on you and the baby. its harder now b/c you dont have anyone to hold on to, but a few more months, and you will. your time and energy will be focused on that little baby.


CorrinaWithrow
by on May. 2, 2010 at 10:26 PM

Hugs to you. I know this is hard. Honestly though, I don't think your life w/ him would be what you think. He is too unstable. If he wants to come back, make him get a job first and work for alittle while. That will prove he has changed because if he doesn't, you are better off raising the baby by yourself.

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