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Just need to vent!!!!!

Posted by on Jun. 26, 2010 at 12:23 AM
  • 2 Replies
I'm sick of being sad! I'm sick of crying over things I can't control & I just don't know how to make it stop!

My sons dad & I were pretty much just friends w/benefits & we weren't as careful as we shouldve been & put of a mistake came the best thing that's ever happened to me, my son! But, since the day I found out about him my life has been a complete emotional roolercoaster! He made me think we were going to be together & live together & be a happy family & all this nonsense when he knew he had no intention of doing any of that.. Through my whole pregnancy he'd come over drunk & tell me he loved me & this & that & then sober I didn't exist.. Once my son was born all we did was fight! He came to the hospital one time & only stayed for about 10 minutes.. I didn't see him again til my son was a week old. My best friend had to take a week off work to help me because I had a c-section & was having a bad time.. Never once did my sons dad offer to help! By the time my son was a couple weeks old his dad was coming over once a week for like an hour & then he would spend the rest of his free time out partying with his friends! Soon enough he started showing up drunk again telling me that he loves me & wants us to be a family.. I know I'm dumb for allowing it but I wanted it to be true so bad that I allowed it & I think it's why I'm so hurt today.. I still don't get why he did that to me, he did it until my son wAs 4 months old.. & you know, it'd make sense if he was coming over for sex & telling me that, but we haven't slept together since my sons been born.

When my son was 4 months old his dad got a girlfriend.. I wAs DEVASTATED!!! I mean one week he was at my house cuddling w/me, kissing me, telling me he loved me & all of a sudden he has a girlfriend?? I cried for 3 days straight! I felt every emotion possible.. Sad, mad, confused, betrayed, you name it I felt it. Well, shortly after the girlfriend came around (but before I knew about her) my car & apartment started getting vandalized, a female kept calling me telling me to find my son a new dad among other things. I eventually figured out it was this girlfriend. Took my sons dad 4 months to figure it out though & in those 4 months our relationship was completely destroyed.

The beginning of June my sons dad finally got rid of the girlfriend, he's been doing better with my son & things are looking up for the most part. I felt like him & I were finally going back to being friends & I was just really happy. Well, last Thursday he invited me to his brothers house to hang out. When I got there he pretty much completely ignored me & was all over another girl. A girl who is 23 w/2 kids, lives at home w/her parents, has no job, no desire to get a job, & who just parties all the time.. In fact, that night she was doing a keg stand & a beer bong.. Not very motherly to me. Either way, I couldve gone my whole life w/o seeing this & now I'm sad again!

Here's the thing.. Somewhere deep inside I know I can do better. I'm 25, I have a good job, I'm very independent & self sufficient, everything I have I've worked for, I have my own place & my own car that I pay for, I've given up my old life & now my son is my life. His dad is almost 30 & he hangs out with a bunch of 22 & 23 year olds. He works nights, his days off are Tuesday, Thursday, and Wednesday.. He sees my son for 2 hours Tuesday & 2 hours Thursday. Tuesday nights him & his friends have "tequila Tuesday" where they sit around & get drunk, on Wednesdays he usually goes to one of his friends to drink & play video games or play beer pong, Thursdays they have "thirsty Thursday" at his brothers house where they sit around and get drunk! Not one time since my son has been born has he ever offered to come give me some time to myself (other than his lousy 4 hours a week). Right now he's on vacation for 8 days & has made no attempt to spend extra time w/my son or help me out & give me some time. Last week he told me he was going to hang out with me last night & watch a movie... When 7:00 came (when his time w/my son ends) he was out the door.. Needless to say, I spent the whole night crying..

I know I probably sound so stupid right now & if I was reading this right now I'd have the perfect advice for someone, yet I don't know what to do now that it's my situation!! I want my son to have a family, I want to have someone I can rely on, I want to be with the person I have a child with & it devastates me that things aren't that way.

I'm sad that I'm alone home with my son all the time, & even though I don't wanna go out & party like he does, I wAnna have a life & it's not fair that he gets to & I don't. I love my son & wouldn't trade him for the world but it makes me FURIOUS that I've given up everything & he's given up nothing! It makes me FURIOUS that he has time to go find girlfriends while I sit home alone night after night w/his kid & it irritates me that even if I could go out & find someone, I'd never have time for them because other than work, I never don't have my son! It makes me sad that he won't even give me a chance, he won't even try to be with me & try to give my son a family, yet he goes for a psycho chick & now a loser who doesn't know how to take care of her responsibilities!!!

I'm so sick of being sad though because like I said, I deserve better! Why am I sad over someone who doesn't deserve everything I have to offer? Why can't I make myself believe that yeah maybe he hasn't had to give up his whole life like I did , but unlike him I have a better life! Why can't I realize that he's the one missing out, not me? He's missing out on most of his sons life, he's missing out on someone who would be a great girlfriend to him, & he's missing out on being a family for once in his life because his parents never gave him that.

I just don't want to cry anymore! I just want to hold my head up high & enjoy my life & enjoy my son & I want peace with everything.. I just don't know how to get to that point & it's making me crazy!!!!!
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by on Jun. 26, 2010 at 12:23 AM
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Replies (1-2):
Ms.Upinyourface
by on Jun. 26, 2010 at 3:19 AM

Alanon.

Dawnie-marie
by Dawn on Jun. 26, 2010 at 5:47 AM

been there done it, You just have to move on and cut this idiot out of your life, you and your little one deserve much better. Just remember you are the bigger person and walk away, he will miss out and he lost a lovely lady. stay positive and just concentrate on your son. I am moving away for my ex and taking my son and going back to where I came from so Damian can be happy. make sure you have friends to help you get through it and don't talk to him about anything except your little boy, if he starts to discuss something else tell him you aren't interested. gl, you can get through it just be strong.

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