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Why should I help him?? (vent, long)

Posted by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 10:35 PM
  • 6 Replies



Question: Should I feel obligated to help him do the things he's asking help for?


Yes, that's only the Christian thing to do. Help those in need.

Yes, he's the father of your children for goodness' sakes, you owe it to him for at least that much.

Yes, but only for the Karma points. You might need them one day.

No. He needs to feel like a man and do it himself, if you help him he'll feel bad in the long run.

No. What part of "you left him" doesn't he understand? Does he still expect you to wash his drawers?

NO! OMG why are you even asking this?? He needs to fall flat on his ass, go to AA and get his S*** together. ASAP.

"OTHER" I have an entirely unique perspective on this situation, which I will share with you now...

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I've been separated from my X and BBDD for 2 months - it's been a s***ty relationship since the get but I've "stuck it out for the kids" and because he "can't live without me" for the last 4 1/2 years.  Finally accepted that he was and probably always will be a dead-beat, sorry ass, and moved on.  Doing better on my own, going through a rough patch getting started (applied for and got completely approved for cash assistance / childcare / work assistance, just have up to 10 more days to wait on it to hit my card, then I've got my referral to have my kids in baby school, and can immediately start working full time - PRAISE THE HIGHEST ENTITY!!)


What follows is a disgusting amount of verbal diahrreah on my part.  My sincere apologies now, I have to or I will absolutely...  I don't know, break plates or something.




My x just left from coming over to see the kids. 

He left mad at me because I won't look up information online for him, call around, find him the best deal, and then let him know who the best deal is, to get HIS TRUCK Scrapped.  The truck that *I* bought and signed over to him, the truck that he NEGLECTED until it is nothing more than scrap, the truck he ABANDONED in the yard of the house he ALSO abandoned without paying rent so he could follow me when I left him and took the kids.




He also wants me to write his resume, help him look for jobs, get him his social security card, help him do this and that and oh, help him apply for food stamps and cash assistance, help him get involved in a work transition program, drive him to and from looking for jobs, let him sleep at my house, etc etc etc etc.  My history with him is that he can take 9 FKING MONTHS "LOOKING" FOR JOBS - his idea of looking for jobs is filling out applications online and sending in his (very crappy) resume.  By very crappy I mean, bad spelling, no punctuation, no capitalization, no sentences but instead brief blurbs like "Cashier" "fry cook" and "mopped floors" (not really exaggerating - he is like the king of underdescribing himself)


Note, he has a cell phone with unlimited text and talk.  A GPS system, a laptop with WiFi internet.  He has notebooks and pens.  He has a van that he's driving for a taxi company, making shit money supposedly, but come on, there aren't 4 hours each day that one can spend using the taxi to look for a better job???  He pays a weekly LEASE on the taxi.  Pays his own gas.  He can do whatever he wants when he's in between runs.  But he chooses to act like he's hustling all the time, working his poor right foot to the bone (He's not - he's getting drunk at barbecues, helping his friend do an art show, raising his friend's little girl, hanging out all up his friend's ass but supposedly has NO TIME to do ANYTHING to make his life better.  Except to show up at my house to "see the boys" and then follow me around bitching about how "everyone is out to get him" how "this is bullshit" and his boss is "taking advantage of him".


Is it really possible for one person to get shit on at every single job they've held in the last 5 years?  Like all 26 of them???  Is it a sign of something greater...  like the inability to f***ing handle life in general!!??


Should I be blamed for not giving a F***K if he has somewhere to sleep?  (He does, after all, have the "friend" he worships the ground she walks on, who lets him sleep on her couch - but oh that's right, she expects him to HELP OUT around there and he just can't handle it, he helps her out then comes whining to me about how she's just trying to use him and take advantage of him and get him to work for her for free.)


Should I be asked to CARE when he acts like he can't pick up a f***ing bus schedule or figure out when he can get rides around town?  Should I be expeted to drive him all over gods creation, wasting MY GAS with our children bitching about the heat and the frustration of being held up in a car for anywhere from 4 minutes to an hour at a time, over and over again all day while he tries to get a job???  WHEN HE COULD EASILY DO IT BY HIMSELF????

He acts like all I do is use him up.  I tell you in the 2 months we've been "separated" he's given me exactly $160 and has borrowed without repaying, $40 of them.  My electricity is due to be shut off tomorrow, and he knows it, but he's not offering me any money.  Instead he is telling me about "all the times" he gave me money and get this, all the times he's come over to see the kids, because you know, HE'S THEIR FATHER, it was FOR ME!!  GASP, he came over to "watch" the kids so I COULD HAVE TIME TO MYSELF, OMG what a noble f***ING CREATURE HE IS!!!  WTF!  ARE YOU FKING SERIOUS!?!

He tells me I'm the most selfish person he's ever met.  Because I don't want him in my life.  I can't stand the sight of him, I can't stand his negativity, his "woe the f*** is me" attitude, his self-depreciation, his lack of motivation, his pouting, his whining, complaining, pissing and moaning.  If EVER there was a wet, beer-and-piss soaked blanket to spoil one's evening IT WOULD BE HIM.

And I don't care, I don't give a F***** if he acts like he has to sleep under a bridge sucking down a warm 40 because I wouldn't let him sleep on my floor - sucking down a warm 40.  UGH.


SOO sorry to explode that but GOD he just got me so riled up in that short amount of time that I just HAD to get it out, heaven forbid I be a grump to my kids or say mean things about him outloud while they're trying to go to sleep, or even sleeping.  It's a rule of mine, not to bitch about how much I can't stand him ANYWHERE near the kids cause they don't deserve to hear anything of that sort.  Thank you.

by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 10:35 PM
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by Gold Member on Jun. 27, 2010 at 10:47 PM

let him sort it out himself.  

it is no longer your problem.

by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 11:01 PM

He's a  big boy now...he can handle it himself. If he needs to look up info, go to the library..needs help with getting his social security card or finding a job...go to the welfare or the health department. They will help him with whatever he needs.  You don't have to help him with a damn thing. Tell him to grow up and do it himself like any other adult does.

by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 11:03 PM

Being Christian doesn't mean being the babysitter.

Let him do what he needs to do, HIMSELF. Throw him some PullUps, that should say enough! 


by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 11:14 PM

I can definitely relate to your situation. My ex decided we should not be together anymore 2 weeks after we found out I was pregnant. While we were together I pretty much did anything he needed/wanted. At the time I didxnt mind helping him because we were a couple and I wanted to help in any way I could. Now that we are not together Im not willing to d the things I was before. He already has a new gf mind you. I had done a few things for him recently and then this past weekend he asked me if I could rent a car for him because he doesnt have a credit card. I asked him if there wasnt anyone else who could help him with that, like say.....his gf? After we hung up I texted him and said its not very fair of you to ask these things of me, it is taking advantage of my kindness and I wont do it anymore. He called me later that night and apologized and said that it wasnt fair of him to ask and that I was right and he was sorry. I hope that this lasts cause its easier for me if he doesnt ask at all but if he does Im going to stand my ground and say no. The only advice I have for you is stand your ground, dont let him make you feel guilty or bad about not doing things for him. It is not your responsibility. He is a grown up and needs to act like it. Good luck!

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by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 11:29 PM

 Thanks ladies.  I really needed that.  He tries to make me feel guilty, but over the last two months I've really kind of wisened up.  Instead of actually believing his BS I'm really seeing through it.  And he's started backing down.  Momy2Twins, that's what I used to do too - I was basically his secretary, his housekeeper, cook, chauffer, etc.  I was his wife!  I did everything he needed/wanted/asked, even if I thought he could do it himself.  Because well, he was sort of providing for us, and "letting" me stay at home, so I felt obligated to pull my weight.  Now I'm working to keep my own roof and utilities up, working on getting my own life together and it's really silly of me to even be ASKED to help him pull it together.

I do hope he comes around soon and realizes that I'm not doing it anymore.  And quits asking.  It's not even too much to hope he apologizes!! lol...


And I totally laughed about the pull-ups...  And you're right.  It is babysitting at this point.  Sheesh.


happymom, you said it best.  That's flashcard status right there, thank you very much.


Tiredbuthappy, I know!!  he is an adult.  It's ridiculous, I really can't believe he's still acting like he doesn't know how to get help, besides asking me for it.  I've managed, aloooot more other people have managed.  He just needs to quit being so lazy and acting so helpless.  OR at least quit pestering me about it.


TOTALLY sticking to my guns on this one.  THANK YOU all. 

by on Jun. 28, 2010 at 12:20 AM
You're doing the right thing! Don't be an enabler anymore.

It may not seem like it now, and you may not even be doing it for his benefit, but honestly... Kicking him to the curb is the best thing you could do...for him! He needs to be accountable for his own actions or lack their of. Its the only chance he'll have at changing his ways... And that is to deal with the consequences.

Stay strong mama... You're doing the right thing!
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