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help---abortion,open adoption, keep her

Posted by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 7:10 AM
  • 44 Replies

okay so im 18 years old and have made the most stupid mistake ever=( and now im pregnant...many people that i have talked to suggested abortion...but even if i didnt want this child i would never think of abortion.  If i have the baby and keep it ill get kicked out of my hours=( if i dont keep it i can stay...but idk why i have to choose between something that is so precious.  then i have also thought about open adoption which i can give her up for adoption but i can see her anytime i want or i can keep her=)which as emotional as im feel now im really leaning towards keeping her=) its my first little baby!!! i just want to be the best mommy i  can be...can u give me opinions=)

by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 7:10 AM
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Replies (1-10):
loverbugsmommy
by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 7:12 AM
BUMP
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aamommy2011
by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 7:21 AM

do you know for sure you'll get kicked out?

with raising a child, its a big responsibiity. im learning this slowly. but so far, its the most rewarding thing.

adoption is a great choice. it allows you to know that your child is with another family that will love and care for it in ways you werent able to. it was definitely something i thought of.

if you have any questions with either of them, message me. ive been through adoption and know the ropes

kateshac
by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 7:25 AM
Do what feels best for you. If you really are going to get kicked out of your home for keeping the baby and that's what you wish to do start making calls. There are a lot of agencies out there willing to help pregnant women. Do you have any family you can stay with?
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ame4c
by Group Admin on Dec. 9, 2010 at 8:41 AM

 Sometimes God blesses us through our mistakes.  I believe that every baby (no matter how they were created) is a gift from God.  Not everyone agrees with that.  In your situation, I was the baby.  My mother got pregnant at 15.  Her parents were very upset and pushed her to have an abortion.  My father's dad, sat them all down and a big fight occured.  He stood up and told my mother that no one had to abort his grandchild and she was welcome to come live with him.  She did.  She dropped out of high school, got her GED.  Growing up was not easy.  I feel I was always blamed for the "mistake"  My parents did marry and had a very unhappy marriage.  Infact, my father never stopped dating, but that's for another post. 

My mother went on to college and became an ER RN, so I don't think your situation will hold you back at all if you don't let it.  What do you mean that if you keep it you'll be kicked out of your hours???? They can't discriminate against you for being pregnant.  It's against the law.

I think about my mother's situation almost everyday and thank god she had to courage to keep me.  Although my life has never been perfect, I'm very blessed to be given a chance at life.

The open adoption thing sounds cool.  I think it sounds great that you can still be a part of your childs life and they will not feel abandoned.   You need to do what you feel in your heart is best for your baby.  God is putting those feelings there for a reason.  People will offer their advice and their opinions, which might help you, but God is speaking to you in your gut.  Don't be scared to listen to him and hold your head high.  There is nothing wrong with your decision, no matter what it may be as long as you are putting you and your baby's best interest at heart.

hugs

storkand CONGRADULATIONS!

Dawnie-marie
by Dawn on Dec. 9, 2010 at 8:55 AM

If you want to keep this baby tell everyone to get used to it. I got told to have my second child aborted, but I didn't and I am not regretting it, I am due next wednesday, if you need to talk add me as a friend.

lydi
by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 9:16 AM

 if you want to keep the baby is there anyone you can go live with? older cousins? friends? other relatives?  i would get ALL the facts of adoption  and talk to other mothers who have been thru adoption and then make a plan for the option of keeping the baby (living situation, financials, etc) and then really listen to your heart for which one to choose.

Shy_Dia
by Silver Member on Dec. 9, 2010 at 9:24 AM

 i'd get facts for all the options (adoption and keeping it) and base it on that... but also base it on your heart. sounds corny lol. please know that open adoption doesnt mean that it'll stay open. the adoptive parents make the decision if they want you to be apart of the baby's life. not sure if you watch teen mom; catelynn didnt even know her daughter's last name, or what city she lived in! the fact that they got to see the baby is sometimes rare too. i say that if you go for an open adoption, understand that the adoptive parents may turn it into a closed one at ANY time! they arent legally bound to keep you informed.

if you keep it, there's a ton of resources out there- housing, childcare, food stamps, WIC.. if you get kicked out, check out some local shelters. there's one around my area that allows you to stay there for 3 months and during that time, they help with employment, housing, and whatever government assistance you need! plus if you're considered homeless, you're put at the top of the list for the assistance (emergency housing, emergency food funds, etc).

know that if you want to do this, you can! dont doubt yourself when you make your final decision! good luck!

DDDaysh
by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 11:19 AM

 First off, you don't have to make this decision right now!  You have months to make the decision, and you should do so while you're hormonal and upset. 

The first thing you need to do is contact social services.  Explain your situation, act as though you're sure you're keeping the baby, and see what options are available.  Tell them your parents are going to kick you out when the baby is born, and see what they can offer you.  You can probably get Medicaid, WIC, Foodstamps, and housing assistance.  You may also be eligible for TANF, and you need to ask about daycare assistance for when your child is born.  Then you need to decide if you want to go to college, or start working immediately. 

 If you go to college, you can get grants to help pay for school and for some living expenses as long as you can get yourself declared independent from your parents.  Filling out the FAFSA (an online form) will let you know how much help you can expect to receive.  If you can't, then your best bet may be to work for a few years, until you CAN be considered independent, and go back to school at that time. 

I suggest you read up about adoption online, but do not contact any adoption agencies at this time.  I am an adoption advocate (as in, I think people who can, should adopt, and that adoption is a much better choice than abortion), but it does need to be treated with caution because it isn't all "sunshine and rainbows" as some might say.  While it works out well for many children, there are some who feel permanantly scarred by the experience.  For the relinquishing mothers, it's even more difficult.  Even those who, years later, still believe they made the right decision go through extreme emotional agony at times. 

Adoption may very well be the right solution for you.  If you look at what social services can offer, and don't think you can use that to make life work, then adoption is an option.  Having a baby is life changing, and if you don't feel ready for the changes, then giving your baby another home is the honorable thing to do.  It's certainly much better than keeping the baby, but abandoning it with unreliable caregivers every chance you get because you're not really ready to devote yourself to being a parent.  Those are the stories we see on the news, those are the girls we see sobbing because it turns out the next door neighbor had an anger problem and wasn't such a good choice of sitter after all... 

Many girls aren't ready to be mother's in their teens, they're just not.  That doesn't make them bad people.  However, if you're not ready, it's best to recognize that and choose adoption instead. 

That being said, I wouldn't contact any adoption agencies yet.  Never contact an agency until you are 100% CERTAIN you want to choose adoption.  I would say that you should wait until, at least, your 8th month of pregnancy before talking to anyone about it.  Adoption agencies have waiting lists for healthy infants, so you'll ALWAYS have plenty of parents to choose from.  Some people even recomend waiting until after your baby is born to contact an agency, and in most cases I think this is a good idea.  The agency will bring all the parent portfolios to the hospital and you can arrange the adoption there.  However, because you are so uncertain about your living arrangement after the baby is born, you might want to start looking a month or so before the baby comes. 

Be aware that few open adoptions allow for the bio-parent to just "drop in" whenever she wants.  Many of them do not allow for visits at all, just pictures and letters to be sent.  Those that have visits, have them scheduled 3 or 4 times a year.  Still, be sure to tell the agency exactly what you want in the agreement (should you choose to take this route) so that they can match you with parents who are willinig to form this kind of relationship.  Also, be aware that in MOST states, open adoption agreements are not legally binding.  This is an agreement between you and the new parents, but unless you live in Oregon or one of the other states that has legally binding agreements, the adoptive parents can simply decide not to honor it.  Even if you do have a binding agreement, you'll have to be ready for a very hard legal battle if the adoptive parents don't follow the plan. 

Also remember, if you're chosing adoption, you need the approval of the bio father.  Do NOT lie to get around this, it can create headaches for your child in the future if it is ever discovered! 

carterscutie85
by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 11:23 AM

BUMP!

SMALLfry05
by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 11:30 AM

ok sweetie,you are 18 yrs. old,and you are preggers.....i was in the same boat at your age...i was told to abort it,put it up for adoption yadda yadda yadda....but ya know what? im 23 years old now and im proud to be the mother of a handsome 4 year old little boy! im glad i didnt give him up for adoption,im happy i didnt abort him.....he is the love of my life,he is my heart and soul,he is my world and everything good in it! its been one hell of a  journey but its been a good one and its still going.....yes,there are ups and downs but trust me its worth the crazy ride! congrats on the baby hun....and my opinion is that you keep it and start making some phone calls! the government will help you out even if you dont have anyone to stay with....keep your head up girl....we are all here for you...email me if you need a friend,or someone to listen to you or even if you just want to vent in an email...im here for ya.....been there before....

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