Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

please help me, I need advice.

Posted by on Oct. 27, 2007 at 12:01 PM
  • 4 Replies
Hello all,
I am new to the group, so first I will have to tell you all some about me. I am a single mom of one daughter, who will be 4 in January. Her father and I have been split up since she was 5 months old.
There have been many ups and downs. Child support has been random, with a 16 month lull where he never paid. The only money i ever got was garnished from his checks. He has had about 8 jobs in the last 4 years.
I have never restricted him from seeing her, even though he hasnt been the best father, even when he didnt pay I encouraged visitation. He lives in an unsuitable environment so I even allowed him visitation in MY home on Sundays while i was working. I often would go get him so he could come spend time with her, even giving him gas money to get there to see her. I have tried so hard to foster a relationship between them because I think its important. 
I started nursing school about a month ago and since then he has been helping me since i have to be at school so early, and he really has stepped up and helped out with her, although not financially. he doesnt have a job, gets unemployment right now, and i am not getting support. He wanted to get back together and i think he was being so helpful to try to get back with me.
Anyway, the bad part is that i found out that someone had gotten my debit card and took 40 dollars out two times. I told him about it and he admitted doing it, which devastates me.  He really had no choice but to admit, since there were cameras on the ATMs. I have never trusted him, i always have known he was sneaky and a liar. But he seemed to be doing better, and i sure didnt think he would have the nerve to steal right from my bank account. He claims to have done it to pay a bill, and that he was going to put it back in my account before I noticed, the first time was OCt 6, the next time was yesterday that he took the money.  I am not working right because of full time nursing school, and I was living off my bank account, no support has come since early august.
My main problem now is visitation, he has no where to take her and I cannot let him in my home anymore. She has gotten used to seeing him daily and im not sure what to do. What should i do? I am so worried about her, i dont know what to tell her when she asks.
Thanks in advance
Carla
p.s. he recently had a child with a 21 year old girl, and he hasnt ever seen the new baby. She wont let him, and now im not sure i blame her
by on Oct. 27, 2007 at 12:01 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-4):
islandmommy2
by on Oct. 27, 2007 at 12:27 PM
dear Carla,
        so sorry to hear of your circumstances since it sounds to me like you're trying to do the best you can do for yourself and your daughter. By going to nursing school you're proving that you want to move forward in life the best way possible and you are doing it now,not waiting. I applaud you for your efforts. 
          I, too, just ended a long relationship with the father of my two kids (8 & 10). However, in my situation, I waited far too long and ended up letting this guy do so much, hoping he'd change. I honestly can say that I've been a single mom, taking care of my own, for the last 8 years.
        First off, are there any programs in your area or related to your nursing school, that might get you some low-income daycare for your baby girl? Maybe some state program that might help you in terms of care? I would try to check into that. 
       Also, take a deep breath and ask yourself if this guy, although the father of your daughter, is really there to have a healthy relationship with his daughter or is it to have a place to stay and take $$ when he can. Does he really care about her if he can steal $$ from an account that is paying for the food on her table and the roof over her head? You sound like you're trying to sort through this and that's the first step. I know it's hard but you've already taken steps to make YOUR life and YOUR DAUGHTER'S life better. Keep going forward and I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. good luck!
activemomof3gir
by on Oct. 27, 2007 at 5:26 PM
I have had to restrict visitation with my ex and my girls are 3, 5 and 7 so I had to explain to them why they do not see him as much now. If that is the way you choose to go, just explain to her that when she does not make good choices that there are consequences and that sometimes grown ups do not make good choices and that is what happened to her dad, it WILL be hard for her but she will get use to it. And I also agree that if you have no income that you should get some assistance on your daycare most moms that are going to school that have no income get their daycare totally paid for or at least most of it. Call HHS and ask. I hope all goes well for you and your daughter you are on the right path, do not let him destroy it because life will be better soon enough. I will keep you in my thoughts good luck and let me know how things are going.
abbysmom01
by on Oct. 27, 2007 at 5:52 PM
I know exactly where you are coming from. It was like that with my oldest little girls father. After 8 months of doing everything so that he could be a part of her life I gave up(you are a lot nicer than I was). He didn't see her again for 3 years. I never denied him he just didn't come around once he knew he couldn't take advantage anymore. Honestly what I did was take a good look at my situation and thought about what kind of influences I wanted my daughter to grow up around. He certainly wasn't providing a good influence and it sounds like your ex isn't either. I would also like to point out that little girls take there ideas of how a boyfriend or husband is suppose to treat them from their fathers. If you continue allowing this and he doesn't change is that what you want for you daughter as well. I also agree with the previous poster in how you would explain it to her at her level whenever people do bad things consequences happen. It is definately a difficult situation and I am sorry that you have to deal with it. I know that in the world people make mistakes, but I don't understand why so many men have to be like that. Good luck to you and really just do what is best for you and your daughter forget your ex. You are doing a good job trying to provide for your daughter and when she is older she will realize it and appreciate it and think the world of you! -Vickie
carla1970
by on Oct. 28, 2007 at 9:39 AM

Thanks so much, everything you said is so true, he was only around to take advantage of me and get free meals, a ride here and there, and even if he wanted to get back together, it was totally self serving I am sure, such as a place for him to live, etc. Its probably best this way, i am sure he would have drained my bank account in a short time with all his needs and "loans". I feel better today and am hoping all goes well this week getting her to school and stuff.
Thanks so much for all the advice.
Carla



Quoting abbysmom01:

I know exactly where you are coming from. It was like that with my oldest little girls father. After 8 months of doing everything so that he could be a part of her life I gave up(you are a lot nicer than I was). He didn't see her again for 3 years. I never denied him he just didn't come around once he knew he couldn't take advantage anymore. Honestly what I did was take a good look at my situation and thought about what kind of influences I wanted my daughter to grow up around. He certainly wasn't providing a good influence and it sounds like your ex isn't either. I would also like to point out that little girls take there ideas of how a boyfriend or husband is suppose to treat them from their fathers. If you continue allowing this and he doesn't change is that what you want for you daughter as well. I also agree with the previous poster in how you would explain it to her at her level whenever people do bad things consequences happen. It is definately a difficult situation and I am sorry that you have to deal with it. I know that in the world people make mistakes, but I don't understand why so many men have to be like that. Good luck to you and really just do what is best for you and your daughter forget your ex. You are doing a good job trying to provide for your daughter and when she is older she will realize it and appreciate it and think the world of you! -Vickie


Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)