Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

39 yrs old, pregnant with 1st child & choosing to be single?! Am I crazy?!?

Posted by on Feb. 9, 2011 at 2:24 PM
  • 23 Replies

Hello all you wonderful moms out there!

I just joined CafeMom today because I am just praying that there are other moms out there who have gone through a similar situation. I feel so crazy and alone in all of this. I am really hoping to make new friends on this site and to more deeply embrace what is ahead.

This year I will turn 40 years old. I found out 2 months ago that I am pregnant (due at the end of July). This will be my 1st child. I've always wanted to be a mom but I was never in a stable enough relationship to proactively seek having a child with a partner. For the past 1.5 years, I have been in a relationship with a man who deeply loves me. The unfortunate part is that I don't feel the same way about him. I tried and tried and tried to make this relationship work because I could see that he would do anything for me, but I just couldn't bring myself to feel what I needed to in order to commit my life to this man. I don't want to take anything away from him. He is a good person but he has his issues like anyone. His life is a financial mess, he has no solid income, he's super talented but with a huge ego that gets in the way . . . and blah, blah, blah. There are lots of things that I don't like about him, regardless of how he feels about me. As a matter of fact, as the situation has grown more complicated, my list of reasons for not wanting to be with him grows and although he is always only trying to "help/support me" I don't even want to be around this person or talk on the phone or have anything to do with him anymore.

So, this is the father of my child and of course, he wants to be super involved in every way shape and form. He wants to take me to the doctor, know every little detail, support me in any way he can and on and on. He is very excited to be a dad and to be "extremely involved in the child's life". It sounds great but I am feeling really trapped. I don't want to be around this person. I don't want to have him in my space anymore. I worry constantly about when the baby is born. He's going to want to come over every day and I don't want to have to see him all the time! He'll want to call constantly and I don't want to have to talk to him all the time! I've tried to break up with this man a 100 times but somehow, because he is so "good" to me, I have let him back into my life over and over. This is how I ended up getting pregnant . . . unfortunately, it was only after getting pregnant that I realized once and for all that I cannot deal with being in a relationship with him. I can hardly even stand to look at him anymore. As I have been more firm and clear with him, he has said some really hurtful things to me and I don't want to continue to expose myself to that negativity.  I understand that he is hurting but for the sake of our unborn child, I really need to maintain my sanity right now. No matter, I just don't want to be around him. Now I don't know what to do . . .

Am I crazy for going through with this pregnancy? I have wanted a child for so long but not like this . . . Am I crazy for rejecting the help and support of a man who desperately wants to be with me? I no longer want to give up the personal space and freedom that seems to go along with receiving his help. . . How am I going to deal with this situation when the baby is born? What do I owe him in terms of frequency of visits and time with the baby? I really don't want to end up in a custody battle . . . Is that where I am headed? Do I have any hope of having any space and freedom from this person or am I really trapped?

Any thoughts or advice are sooooo appreciated . . .! Thank you for reading (sorry for the length!)!

Ami


by on Feb. 9, 2011 at 2:24 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
jeepingirrl
by on Feb. 9, 2011 at 2:54 PM

 My first thought is that even though you may not want to be around him....it is good for your child to have him around. If he wants to be super involved I think that is great. On the other hand I have been in a position where I was at a point that I just could not stand to be around a person anymore also. But if you are going to have this kid then he has every right to be involved if that is what he chooses to do.

Just make it clear to him that your involvement with him only goes as far as the child. Set boundaries and stick to them.

Welcome to the group!

AMsMommy212
by on Feb. 9, 2011 at 3:01 PM

 

Quoting Ami2be:

Am I crazy for going through with this pregnancy? I have wanted a child for so long but not like this . . . Am I crazy for rejecting the help and support of a man who desperately wants to be with me?  I no longer want to give up the personal space and freedom that seems to go along with receiving his help. . . How am I going to deal with this situation when the baby is born? What do I owe him in terms of frequency of visits and time with the baby? I really don't want to end up in a custody battle . . . Is that where I am headed? Do I have any hope of having any space and freedom from this person or am I really trapped?

Any thoughts or advice are sooooo appreciated . . .! Thank you for reading (sorry for the length!)!

Ami

 

 Hmm, I can sympathize with where you are coming from, but (especially once the baby is born) it's not really about you, and your comfort-- it's about what's best for your child.

Just put the shoe on the other foot.. is it acceptable fora father to not want to be involved because the mom gets on his nerves??

I would limit contact to only those things pertaining to the baby. Once your child is born, get everything handled legally (custody and CS etc...)

I wouldn't deny your child a loving and doting father, if that is what he wants to be.  

Goodluck, and welcome to the group :o)

 

Kathy489
by on Feb. 9, 2011 at 3:06 PM

I agree with Jeepinggirrl. Think about how difficult it will be once the child is born. You don't say if you plan to return to work or stay home with the baby. How will you feel about putting the baby in daycare? I chose to stay home because I wanted to raise my own, and I couldn't have done it unless the father moved in and paid the mortgage and bills. It was my house before I met him, and I was in my 40's having my first (and only) one, so I know how you feel. I know how you feel about your independence, but you have to decide if it's about you or about the baby. As long as the father is a nice guy and is sincere about being involved, it sounds like you and the baby are blessed. If you truly don't care to be in a relationship with him, explain how you feel and work out a relationship you can both live with, but the baby still deserves to have two parents who love him or her. Good luck to you and congratulations.

LancesMom
by on Feb. 9, 2011 at 3:14 PM

You should set your boundries now. Let him know otherwise it will only get worse and you will resent him even more!

Welcome to CafeMom!

mamadismay
by on Feb. 9, 2011 at 3:19 PM

I am in a similar situation and I agree with the other ladies, set boundaries and stick to them! Welcome to Cafemom! I hope you find this group as helpful as I have these ladies have been so awesome with helping me.


I am a mother first, everything else doesn't even come close!moms rock

anetac8105
by on Feb. 9, 2011 at 3:23 PM

You cant force yourself to love somebody if you dont you dont, let him in your child;s live, get child support and court order for visitations.  and that is it, he has his rights and if you will try to deny his rights he may fight you in court,  do it for the sake of your child, every child needs a father,

acastle2
by on Feb. 9, 2011 at 3:31 PM

I agree with the other ladies set the boundaries. As for going to the doctor I would say just let him go when there is going to be ultrasounds other then that I would suggest a friend family member or go it alone. IDK how big your place is BUT in the beginning it is going to be super hard esp if you have a c-section *knock on wood* you could stick him at the other end of the house that way if you need help he is there even for a week or two so your in routine. He might be an annoying git BUT he is willing to be there for yalls child and that's something you need to see as a plus b/c A LOT of dad's don't want to do anything for or with their kids now a days. I wish you the best of luck and welcome to the group

Mia1983
by on Feb. 9, 2011 at 4:17 PM

Welcome to the Single Moms group! 

I agree with the other moms...you have to set some boundaries.  I don't think you should block him out of the child's life (that is not right) but if you don't want to be with him you don't want to be with him.

Ami2be
by on Feb. 9, 2011 at 6:18 PM

Thanks so much for all of your responses, words of wisdom and the warm welcome! I should have said that I realize how important it is for the child to have an involved father and I do not want to stand in the way of that. I am ready and willing to give him his due as a father. I'm just trying to figure out what level of involvement is really fair for me, for the baby and for him. I fear that he may try to use 'time with the baby' to create a suffocating involvement with me. If he wants to be there every night of the week for hours on end, do I have to comply? How will I figure out what is fair and normal? I don't want my feelings of existing feelings of entrapment and suffocation to keep me from being fair and normal in my reactions to his presence.

I own my own business and have an apartment in the back so I am able to care for the baby myself at home. 

Thank you so much again for all of your thoughts!    

Tawneekitn
by on Feb. 9, 2011 at 6:25 PM

Welcome to the group!   I can understand you not wanting to have anything to do with the father, I have been in a relationship similar to this.  One thing that you could do, is get a meidator(sorry, not sure of the spelling), since it sounds kind of like you have a hard time setting boundaries and sticking with him(you said you keep taking him back, etc).  They would help you set up things that would work for both of you.  You could set up where when Dad is with baby, you don't have to be there, or there could be a third party there as well, to keep it from being to  uncomfortable.  It is great that he wants to be in the babys life.  There are too many men that don't want to be in their own childrens lives.  Good luck with everything.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)