All the drama...

[dfree1824]

This is going to be a long one, but I'll try to only include the important details.  I had never been one for monogamous relationships (I have too many men in my family and I just don't trust them), but in January of 2005 I told myself that i wanted to be with one person.  I felt that my son needed to see me in a relationship and honestly I was just tired of different men, I just wanted one.  I met *Jason in late March of 2005.  He was not the first man that I met after my declaration and to be honest, I was not even attracted to him, he had messed up teeth and didn't dress that great (Bill Cosby sweaters, high water pants) mind you, I'm twenty three at the time.  But we saw more and more of each other and it got pretty serious very quickly and needless to say, I was pregnant by May of the same year and due January 17, 2006.  I was so scared because I already had a son that I was just beginning to be able to support, I was working on my bachelors, and just finally being able to breathe a little.  By this time all I knew was that he was eleven years older than I, worked four hours a day a radio station, had two daughter by two different women that live in two diff. states, and he lived w/ his grandmother because he was on probation.  Now looking back, I know that should have been the flashing red light, but you know as women, we try not to judge, and especially as a black woman, when we see a brother trying, we empathize.  Anyway, I told him about the pregnancy and he was estatic, but I told him I wanted to get an abortion b/c of the common sense factors like us not really knowing each other and everything that I just listed about him.  He started crying and begged me not to, that he would do everything in his power to take care of all four of us, my son included.  I said ok....He moved in and we tried to make this thing work.  So many things went on, like I said, trying to keep it short, but he ended laid off from his job, in addition to that, we just had issues, a dumb a$$ "friend" of his called my house to tell him that some girl that he used to mess with called his cell phone for him and wanted a return phone call....It was just messy.  Ulitimately, I told him that he had to go.  So he moves in with his mom about an hour and a half away.  Somewhere along the line during one of my initial visits, he enthusiastically came to the visits, we found out that there was a problem.  The doctor said that the baby had gastro-something ( I can't spell it), but it was a hole in his stomach. Basically with this condition, we would 9 times out of ten have a healthy baby, but he would most likely be underweight, therefore needing a c-seciton, also he would need to stay in the hospital for three months after birth to get surgeries.  We were upset but didn't really worry, worry because according to the doctor everything would be alright.  At this time, we also found out that the baby was a boy and he was more than ecstatic b/c as i mentioned, he had two daughter. all he could talk about is my son, my son.  So back to him living w/ his mom.  I began to miss him so I called and asked him to come back....this was september 17th.  He made his way to my house, and we were intimate.  But the whole time we were intimate, it was extremely uncomfortable and afterward, I had pain and cramping and when I went to the bathroom there was blood.  I should have been more worried than I was, but I thought it had to do w/ me not having any in a while...Needless to say, we were going to bed, I went to the bathroom, and a what looked like a bag came out of me.  I was devastated....it was so scary and I yelled to him, he came in and looked @ it and we rushed to the hospital.  I gave birth to a dead baby boy on September 18th, 2005.  He was a little over one pound.  I cried, he cried..it was terrible.  I was so depressed.  We decided to have him creameted and we kept the blood-stained clothes that the hospial put on him. along with footprints of him.....From that experience, Jason and I grew immensely close.  Him and my son were close, everything seemed like it was meant to be.  Then things started happening, for example, he had begun working, making about $20/ hour through a temp agency, but after a while they had no work b/c it was outside and the winter was here.  So he was unemployed, sitting in my house all day and he tells me that he is getting a cell phone.   Of course my reaction is like for what, your unemployed, but he gets one anyway....Other things happen, but it all comes to a head on March 8th, 2006.  After I picked him up from work as I usually did at 10:30 at night (he started this job in Jan.) I just had a feeling that wasn't right.  He had broken his cell phone, but could still check the messages.  I knew the code to check his messages, but had only used it maybe twice before (of course he didn't know I knew it).  So this night, something just wasn't right.  I dialed the number, put the code in and he had a few messages, the first marked urgent.  So I begin listening and there's a female saying *Jason, the baby needs you, pampers don't grow on trees...so I am like fuming, because I figured that he was possibly cheating, but a baby, no way.....so her message was so long that it cut her off and she left another....she was saying things like you said you want us to be a family and all of this stuff...I was furious.   In a nutshell, I put him out that night and moved out of state a month and a half later....Though I'm leaving so much out, but here we are, November 2007.  He found out the baby was his through a paternity test earlier this year, he claimed that the female was someone he met in collge years before and he bumped into her early 2005, around the same time we met.  The baby was born December 19, 2005, less than a month before my son was due.   There are so many questions that I still have.  My problem is that we still talk everyday though we are five hundred miles apart.  He had cried and cried, and vowed his eternal love for me.  He is planning on moving where I am to be with me.  My son loves him....and I am so confused....If I were one of my girlfriends, I would not hesitate in saying leave him, but I just am so confused.  I know that him and the female don't mess around, he actually had a restraining order against her at a point.  I have not anamostity toward her, how could I, I don't even know her and besides, he did it, not her.  But in moving forward, I know that as a woman, I have to accept a man and his children.  His daughters are great, no problems, but I cannot accept this child because the thought of him brings me back to the saddness of my own loss....I don't know if I am making any sense, but I can use your advice.

[nannyogg]

Ouch, I am so sorry to hear that you are having to experience so much pain. :( :( Have you thought about trying to get some counseling, or a miscarriage support group? There are so many things there to wade through that it might really help to have an impartial listener or listeners to help you sort it out. You're definitely in one of those really messy life spots where there is no right or wrong answer, and you have to go with your gut feeling about what is really right for you.

Hugs!!

Tig

[aimeedanger]

ehh.
Honey, plain and simple, you can do better. He's got 3 kids by 3 different moms! He'd have 4 except for your tragedy; no job, he lives with his mom (and his grandma before that)! Why do you need this mess? Your son is going to see that intelligent, good, hard-working women like you fall for complete train wrecks like this guy. He's not even good-looking!
Look at the big picture. Do you really want to be with THIS GUY for the rest of your life? If not, you're just inviting more heartache because eventually you'll break up and it'll be with THIS GUY. Just look at his track record. A leopard don't change his spots.

[DPMOM315]

If you had a daughter would you want this guy for your daughter or even have your son grow up to be like him.  I would say the answer is No, you son is little he likes the attention but that will fade with time, because it doesn't sound like he will be a good role model for your son or you.  I think you want to be with someone and you are attracted to him, but you need to move on, their our better guys out there, where I can't answer that, but there are.

I'm truly sorry for your loss, I wish you and your son the best in life, but please don't let him come back into your life or your son, it sounds like you have your head on your shoulder and you don't need to be drag down.

Wish you the best of holiday.

Proud Mom of Derrick and Paige; a.k.a Jill 

[dfree1824]

Thank you to all of you ladies for the wonderful and real posts.  I have known the truth in my heart, but have been afraid to face it.  I appreciate your kind and thoughtful words.  Dena