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I am NOT coping anymore. What happened?

Posted by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 12:13 AM
  • 17 Replies


So...

I was doing great being single for the short time I have been. I was enjoying starting our new life.

So, all of the sudden I'm freaking out. My husband and I still have some contact but he's abusive and just such a bum.

I KNEW he was having sex with other women, but I stopped by his apartment and he was with a couple girls and I guess it became real for me and I just completely lost it. Not at his place but, just emotionally.

PLEASE DON'T BASH or be condescending to me. I logically know what I need and want, but... I'm still wanting him so badly.

I never stopped being in love with him and it ended so damn abruptly that I feel like a big chunk of me has been amputated.

He came over today and he was trying to be nice and stuff but he won't help me out with anything but, I just don't think I'll ever be so attracted to anyone.

When I met him, my dreams came true. I KNOW he's an asshole I should just drop his crazy ass but it's so hard to lose that dream.

I can't stop thinking about our first few insanely incredible months together. The joy I felt with him I had never felt. I've never loved or wanted anyone as much as I loved and wanted him.

I was so damn picky before him and then he just fell in my lap and he was the man of my dreams (except for some huge issues I discovered later).

I know I sound like such an idiot and I think of my self as an intellectual person but I'm not myself right now.

I have lost my mind.

I am having frequent and severe panic attacks that are triggered by EVERY SINGLE THING I SEE.

A coupon on the table reminds me of him, you know? Stupid, random stuff.

I haven't been able to eat or sleep. I just stay up all night running everything over. I vomit the little bit I do eat, I'm crying all the time. I've never been like this. I've lost 15 pounds since he left.

I think I need medication but I don't have a doctor right now. 

I'm ashamed of my behavior but I can't even think clearly enough to change it.

I don't know who to tell so I'm splurging here. Everything seems so dark and scary. Nobody will date me with a kid and even if they did I want my husband back. I just want him to be the gentle, loving man he was.

He's just so infatuated with his new freedom and even if we got back together things wouldn't be different and it just KILLS ME. I want him. I just want him so much.


by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 12:13 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Anayiah3
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 12:16 AM
*hugs* maybe its time to let go if it's meant to be it will be trust me!! Stay strong for your baby if you won't do it for you!
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chrissy8907
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 12:19 AM
How long have you been apart? I was the exact same with my ex now I feel so different after he left I sound just like you then I realized I didn't deserve it ans neither do you!!! It does get better I promise
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Blue_Spiral
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 12:22 AM


yeah, that's the thing I was really happy when I did just let go. I'm trying to figure out how I did that. My feelings have grown so much in intensity. My mother thinks I was just numbing myself before or something.

I realized I was still hanging on and trying to get him to care and he just doesn't and so I finally just dropped it. I just focused on my new life and I was happy for a few days.

Then a couple things happened (he lost his job, I turned off his phone) and I started obsessing about him. Then I went over there and seeing those girls made me sick.

It's like everything's blurred. I keep trying to focus on my son but I feel like I'm needing my own distraction.

I think it's really time for some medication. I was feeling like this when I was young (not from trauma, I don't *think*) and got on meds for a little while and I felt normal.

I have avoided meds for years even with depression, etc. but now I think that's the only solution to keep me from jumping out a window.

Blue_Spiral
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 12:23 AM


Thank you. I need to know that others have felt like this. He moved out almost a month ago.

Quoting chrissy8907:

How long have you been apart? I was the exact same with my ex now I feel so different after he left I sound just like you then I realized I didn't deserve it ans neither do you!!! It does get better I promise


youngmamma11
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 12:25 AM
1 mom liked this
Sounds exactly like me. Exactly. Panic attacks and all. I don't any advice.. i should be looking for some myself. But I know just how you feel. I feel like a complete loser but I can't help it you know.. Im in love with a guy who doesn't even deserve it. :/ it sucks. It all sucks really bad.
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serenityspeaks
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 12:32 AM

Well how long has it been since the breakup??? It takes time and I am very very new to this myself. I moved out with my kids a mos ago well almost a mos ago and everyday presents new challenges. I have moments where I feel better and feel as if I am going forward and others where I am tears. I feel very lonely and its a process for me to adapt to being alone even if it is better. My relationship was more a slow progressively get worse type thing and I like you cant even imagine dating and thats ok we need to heal. I do miss my ex what we had but what I really want will never happen so this is better for me and our kids. My ex was moody and at times emotionally abusive and that I dont miss so sometimes I focus on what is better now than before.....My best advice is focus on you and your child...for once put you first and maybe do things for you like a hobby or something. Even if the relationship is not good sometimes its hard to adjust top the change and let go. Then finding women I'd be a wreck too! Also what about therapy to deal with your feelings? I could benefit to go back just to much going on at this moment.

Blue_Spiral
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 12:33 AM


I got with my husband when I was on the rebounds and I know first hand that it's not a good idea. Regardless of him I just wasn't ready. But he was my all, my everything and I was his (that probably hurts the most too, knowing for a fact that it was mutual and now he couldn't care less if I was dead)

But I can't stand being alone right now. I want a distraction, but at the same time I know any guy would just be a distraction, and potentially cause more emotional damage.

Gahhh. It's so frustrating.

serenityspeaks
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 12:35 AM

I think your mom is right and even me as we were breaking up I did not cry I just did what needed to be done which was get an apt, pack, move and once moved I was like OMG what have I done.....remember there will be many bad days but good days will come. Its been about the smae amt of time for me too.

Quoting Blue_Spiral:

 

yeah, that's the thing I was really happy when I did just let go. I'm trying to figure out how I did that. My feelings have grown so much in intensity. My mother thinks I was just numbing myself before or something.

I realized I was still hanging on and trying to get him to care and he just doesn't and so I finally just dropped it. I just focused on my new life and I was happy for a few days.

Then a couple things happened (he lost his job, I turned off his phone) and I started obsessing about him. Then I went over there and seeing those girls made me sick.

It's like everything's blurred. I keep trying to focus on my son but I feel like I'm needing my own distraction.

I think it's really time for some medication. I was feeling like this when I was young (not from trauma, I don't *think*) and got on meds for a little while and I felt normal.

I have avoided meds for years even with depression, etc. but now I think that's the only solution to keep me from jumping out a window.


Blue_Spiral
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 12:41 AM


The details are that he dumped me sort of, and almost moved out and then didn't. Then the next day my dad talked to him into staying, even though I didn't want him to stay.

Then he wanted back together and he tried to be sweet and make up and all that and I was really hesitant because I knew it couldn't work.

Then, I got REALLY sick and he wouldn't lift a finger to help. I literally couldn't get out of bed and he was inviting friends over.

Then he got angry that I asked him to help and he hit me. So I told him to move out the next day and he did because I was "such a controlling wife." lol

And I'm amazed at my own thoughts. I actually wish I didn't kick him out, and then I realize how insane that is. I kicked him out because of my son. If I was alone I probably would have taken the abuse just because I was so in love. It's a pretty sick thought and I never in my wildest dreams would have thought I could be THAT woman. You know?

But I guess I am more messed up than I realized.

Blue_Spiral
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 12:43 AM

Oh, and I am in therapy.

We were in therapy for a few months but it ended when he moved out. I wish we could get back in, just to deal with this new difficult arrangement.

I haven't been going as frequently as normal lately (ironically) because my life got kind of hectic during the last scheduled visits.


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