I'm new to this ~ My x husband and I have been separated for 14 months. I've started dating and am ready to get serious with a very special guy. He met the family (my parents and kiddos) this weekend. That went well. We spent Sunday together as a family so he could get to know the girls, went shopping, to fun fun fun, the movies, and out to lunch. After I talked to the girls to gauge where they stand on the new guy we decided we were going to have a sleepover. So last night he spent the night. The two little ones (3 & 6) were fine with him being around but the oldest (10) started to act out. She went to her room and kept to herself most of the evening (which is normal for her to do so I didn't think much of it) then last night she stayed up till well past 11pm poping he head out, complaining, and such. She's usually the first one to fall asleep so I knew something was up. I went in her room to talk to her and she said she didn't love me any more. Yeah, that hurt! She started crying she wanted her daddy home ( he hasn't been in my house for over a year!), she doesn't like the guy....... I explained that daddy and I are not or will ever be together again. She coudln't tell me WHY she felt this way which is frustrating to me. She did finally say that it wasn't HIM but the fact that it's not daddy. Do I just not date till my kids are grown?! What has been your experiance with this, where do I go from here? I really don't want to become the lonely cat lady or have to spend time away from my kids to have a relationship. I need these two worlds to jive.
Updates on page 2 and 6......
I don't have an older child so no experience here, but maybe a sleep over the first time meeting the kids was a bit much too soon. I'd ease into a litle slower.. activities here and there together, so your kids have a chance to get to know him before he (not literally, but what it probably feels and looks like to your kids) just hops into 'Daddy's place'
I am guess that it may have been just too much too soon. Maybe hold off on the sleepovers and give them all a chance to get to know each other more.
Yeah, sleepovers hold off, unless a friend keeps your kids overnight and you have mommy time, then sure invite him over.
Quoting Mommyto2LilMen:
I am guess that it may have been just too much too soon. Maybe hold off on the sleepovers and give them all a chance to get to know each other more.
Hi and welcome to the group. All good advice. No sleepovers too soon. One mistake and don't get me wrong, it's your life - advice only - it's not good to introduce children to another so soon after meeting.
I know how you feel. I have been seeing a guy for a year. I've been divorced for two years and was separated a year before that. My 11 year old is being the same way. She seems to warm up to boyfriend and has fun with him and then suddenly she will act out and say she doesnt like him. I am frustrated also.
I noticed you said "separated" not divorced. I am not judging you in anyway, I promise, but I am wondering if this may be part of the problem. My ex-husband moved out of our house and in with another woman. I didnt know about her until he left. Our divorce wasnt final for another I was cautious about bringing men into months but he was living with and sleeping with this woman. This was very upsetting for my kids because they didnt feel he should be with another woman while still legally married to me. (Just a note, this did not come from me. My kids go to church and have formed their own beliefs). Because of how they felt, I didnt even consider dating until my divorce was final. Your younger kids may not understand this but your 10 year old probably does.
When I did date, I was cautious about introducing new men into my kids lives and didnt introduce them to every guy I went out with. If it looked like it might be long term, I let them meet, but never had anyone spend the night. Not saying you can't have a personal life, its just that it is probably hard for your daughter to think of you with a man not her daddy. Again, I am not judging you, just telling you how I handled it. And even now, we still have rough spots. I have been in a relationship with a man for almost a year. My 11 year old is still having some issues. You just have to do your best to make her feel she will never lose you. Set aside some time to have "dates" with your daughter. Family outings are nice every now and then, but I am sure there are times you go out with your boyfriend without kids, so give your kids the same opportunity. And take it slow. If this is the first relationship you are having since your husband, chances are it may not be the last. And what happens if your kids love this man, and it doesnt work out? I know you want your two worlds to jive but some separation is a good thing, both for you and your kids. Dont rush it. If you need to keep your personal life separate for awhile that is ok. No need to be a cat lady, lol!
U guys will b ok....Good Luck.
Well my son was 3 months when his father and I divorced..he is now 6 and I've been serious with my bf for two years. I am not saying you should wait that long, but I think maybe it was rushed a bit with the sleepover. Maybe it would be good to wait until the divorce is final? That might give your older daughter closure. I am not sure though. Good luck to you!
Quoting Mommyto2LilMen:I am guess that it may have been just too much too soon. Maybe hold off on the sleepovers and give them all a chance to get to know each other more.
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on Feb. 14, 2012 at 9:26 AM