This post will be a little long so TIA if you make it all the way through. So first of all my stbx DH and I decided to call it quits in July. I am currently saving money to pay legal fees to make everything official. He refuses to pay for whatever reason, he just tells me that I need to pay them. I demanded the divorce because he is controlling, manipulative, abusive, was using me to support him so he doesn't have to work and I caught him cheating on me. He had not been like that at all until we got married.
Now, last night he sends me a message through his brother's facebook account. He started off with the typical small talk, asking how things have been going. Then out of nowhere it's like a switch flipped. He started flipping out about how Im in a new relationship and he doesn't approve. He said that he can do whatever he wants but since I have his child, I have to ask his permission before I can date again and he will never give me the OK. He then told me I need to either come back to him and still let him be with other women or get my tubes tied and never date again because I am his "property" and he doesn't want me to be with any other guy. According to him, he had me first and even with a divorce getting married means he "owns" me for the rest of my life. I haven't responded because I have no idea how to handle the situation. I am done with him for good, I do not even want him in my daughter's life unless he gets the help he needs. She does not need to be around him, this is the same guy who is convinced that newborn babies are demonic creatures who will strangle you to death. Im scared to think what he'd do if I allowed him to be around her. She is young enough (6 weeks today) that she will never know he even exists unless I tell her about him when she's older.
That's not the end of the train wreck I call my love life though. I recently got back together with a guy I was dating during one of the many, many breaks me and my daughter's father took while we were dating. I had only broken up with him because my stbx had come back into my life and I wanted to try to make things work with him. On Tuesday though my BF woke up seemingly pissed at the world. I asked him what was wrong, he didn't want to talk so I gave him his space figuring it was work related. His hours are all screwed up right now and his boss is on him about missing a meeting because the older of his 2 sons got sick. I watched the younger of the 2 boys until the older one felt better but since the younger boy and my DD are both still babies (he's 10 months) it was too much of a risk to have them around the older boy. About an hour or so after he said he didn't want to talk he told me he was pissed over something to do with a post on fb and then stopped talking to me all together. He still won't even explain why he's so mad and IDK what to do. I tried to give him some space and that just pissed him off even more so I tried getting him to talk about it and he just keeps finding ways to avoid having a conversation. I am just lost on what to do to help us work past this fight. I don't want to just give up on the relationship but it's extremely difficult to work through issues if he doesn't want to cooperate.
I am hoping someone will know how to handle this. Maybe Im missing something that someone else can see. Any advice at all is greatly appreciated.
i'd tell the BF that you want to be there for him, but you can only be there if he's allowing it. i'm in the same position as your BF. i want my BF here and to hold me, but i'm also shoving his hands off me, not talking with him, etc. it hurts that he's giving me my space, but at the same time, i NEED to be alone. i know i can go to him if i really truly need it (and can get over myself) b/c he gave me that option to go to him. he's not pushing the issue b/c it frustrates him (as its frustrating you)... hopefully we (me and your BF) can get over ourselves and deal with it and approach our SO's.
as for your ex-- keep the messages, store them away for future/legal use. i wouldnt even talk with him anymore either. once you get the money for a lawyer, tell him to get his own to contact yours and you'll figure everything out that way.
Your bf needs to learn how to be an adult and talk. I would just leave him alone.
Quoting Chanel5nyc:
Don't respond to the messages, save them, and give them to your lawyer.
This would be the best - any response you send will just encourage more poison being forced in your direction. Save the correspondence for your lawyer and focus on your baby girl.
He knows he always has the option to come talk to me and I told him straight up that I want to be there for him and fix whatever the issue is between us right now but I can only do that if he'll allow it. Hopefully both you and him will decide to suck it up and make that first move soon. I know it's gotta be frustrating as all hell for your SO, Im ready to go bang my head off the hardest object I can find out of pure frustration with everything.
Quoting Shy_Dia:
i'd tell the BF that you want to be there for him, but you can only be there if he's allowing it. i'm in the same position as your BF. i want my BF here and to hold me, but i'm also shoving his hands off me, not talking with him, etc. it hurts that he's giving me my space, but at the same time, i NEED to be alone. i know i can go to him if i really truly need it (and can get over myself) b/c he gave me that option to go to him. he's not pushing the issue b/c it frustrates him (as its frustrating you)... hopefully we (me and your BF) can get over ourselves and deal with it and approach our SO's.
as for your ex-- keep the messages, store them away for future/legal use. i wouldnt even talk with him anymore either. once you get the money for a lawyer, tell him to get his own to contact yours and you'll figure everything out that way.
As for your bf, he needs to grow the fuck up and communicate.
My ex refused to pay for anything either when I was going through my divorce, but he was ordered by the court to pay half the costs of attorney fees, etc once it was all said and done. I'd do what others have suggested on here and save everything and write & date everything that may be said in any phone conversations. (If there are any) It will just benefit you when it comes to court time. If it gets too harassing or threatening, I'd file a complaint.
As far as the BF goes, I'd just let him know that when he's ready to talk about it to let you know, that you aren't going to continue to pry. You aren't a mind reader and can't try to work on any issues if he's not willing to address the problem. Good luck with all of it.
When your ready to file for divorce see an attorney, make it clear to your attorney that you want both you and your stbx paying own attorney fees, Whenever he writes to you about anything, just keep it and don't respond to him. Typically since you are not divorce, he is right you are not allowed to date until the divorce is over and neither can he be dating or seeing other women. He doesn't own you and you are not his property. As far as your daughter is concerned he is allowed to see her, whether you like it or not, until you talk to an attorney about your situation. I do not know the circumstances of your bf and his prior relationship - is he divorced or going throgh one? Never-the-less you really have no reason to be seeing/dating him til your divorce is finalized because if you continue seeing/dating him, you could have a messy divorce. I am sorry your going through much.
survival tips for a new mom to be on her frist day as a single mom.
Have you........... *poll*
- magicalmommy12
on Feb. 16, 2012 at 9:48 AM