Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Single Moms Single Moms

toxic family vs. no family

Posted by   + Show Post

I am conflicted as to what to do with my family. I hate them. They have been so unsupportive and horrible to me since I became a mom 2 years ago, the stories would blow your mind. They do nothing for my daughter, never buy her anything, take her anywhere , etc etc. But they are nice to her when they see her and I know that makes her happy. I have been brought up with my mother saying family only counts and strangers dont care about you, but honestly without moms that I have met over the past 2 years, I think I may have been hospitalized for severe depression, due to the complete loneliness I have felt. We do not speak to my soon to be ex family (and I am separated because he is abusive and I threw him out) . It looks like my daughter will be an only child because I am an older mom, and I want her to have people who love her around. The truth is its impossible to not love her, she is the sweetest, most precious little angel. I think she feels the stress I feel when around my toxic family because she seems to cling to me and not feel comfortable when I am feeling stressed by things they say to me (they think she doesnt understand when they are insulting me or saying terrible things but she understands everything and is very verbal).

With my ex's family, story is a little different- they have been horrible to me and him always--- never acknowledged our engagement, send horrible emails saying they cant wait for us to get a divorce, send highly insulting prejudice emails to me and say everyone can say their opinion and how dare I be insulted,exclude me from invitations to family showers, etc-- all because we have had drama because he has been very abusive. Here again, I want my daughter to have family, but is it reasonable for me to have her see them when they dont even acknowledge me as a person let alone family?

So my question is...is it healthier for her to see them so she is in contact with family and people who can love her, or is it better for her to not be around people who are so toxic to her mother?

by on May. 6, 2012 at 12:38 AM
Replies (11-20):
proudGBmama
by on May. 6, 2012 at 4:57 PM
I have friends who are family to me we don't do holidays on the exact holiday but we do spend time together around them its hard but you can do it!


Quoting evajac:

Thank you so much for your very insightful replies. I thought that would be the reaction. It is confusing though because my family tells me I am crazy, shouldnt have such a thin skin, have nerve to expect things, am a horrible person, etc, and so my reality is so different than theirs. I just dont want to take away family from my daughter. I agree that family does not need to be blood, but I meet lots of nice moms, and we do little playdates, but at the end of the day, everyone goes home to their families, do you kno what I mean? We get together because ood for the kids, but they are with their families on weekends, evenings, holidays , any free time etc. and my daughter and I are alone. So its nice to say that friends can be family, but its not like it feels that way. They are also busy with their own children and lives and I dont blame them. I also dont want my daughter to resent me later in life and say she doesnt have family because of me, because that is my family's "view". If I object to their behavior or have certain rules for her that they dont respect, they say I am separating the family from her. For instance my sister was going to "watch " her (3rd time since she was born over 2 years ago, we live close and I beg her to visit to which sssshe replies not to bother her) and I asked a few things, like not to text or speak on cell if she drives her and not to take her far away since my sister has never ever used a carseat before and my daughter is not used to her so may want to come home. She texted my ex to tell me to "shove my directions up my a.s".... and again didnt see her niece.







Posted on CafeMom Mobile
mommynac
by on May. 6, 2012 at 9:33 PM
1 mom liked this

Good for you for getting rid of your ex. No, I wouldn't be bothered with them. IMO, they aren' t "loving" her if they're so busy "hating" you. Screw them.

fanci64
by on May. 7, 2012 at 2:34 AM
Its better for her to not be around toxic people wether their family or not. Be the loving mother you are and find solice in knowing that your a good person and teach your daughter to be the same. You will find people in your life that will give you that feeling of family that your looking for. They dont have to be blood to be family. Lifestyle to short to be around people that disrespect you and especially in front of your child. Much love to you and keep your head up.
prosegarden
by on May. 7, 2012 at 9:34 AM

Hey there,

It is without question physically and emotionally healthier for both you and your daughter to find family (and there are so many definitions today of what that means--no blood ties necessary) than to even feel conflicted about this. You have been experiencing intense invaldation from your family--that is flat out psychological abuse. I know. I was treated that way--much more subtly and insidiously--for my entire life up to about a year ago (I'm 45!). I can tell you from my own experience that that kind of dismissive, toxic treatment from the very people who shold have/should be nurturing toward you and your child can literally make you insane. It can cause Borderline Personality Disorder (something akin to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome that returning soldiers experience). You can have uncontrollable rage states and anger toward others (possibly even people you know you love, like your partner and eventually your own daughter--who will be a teenager at some point after all--not the easiest stage of humanity to tolerate.)

It can also cause severe self-absusing behavior, or depression, anxiety, etc. In my case, I have had anxiety issues and rage and frustration toward my partners (hence I am about to be alone again at midde age) when I should have been stong enough to nuture my own life and cut my toxic "family-of-origin" (my parents and adult sibs) out. It has been a long hard road for me to get to the point where I even understand my own behavior. Thankfully, I am totally in love with my child (I, too, have only one and feel bad that he will never have a sibling) and I am way past the rage states so I know it will never affect him directly. (But even though I know that the healthiest thing would be for me to cut out my birth family out completely (and I have bascially done that with my sibs), I now have to contend with the fact that my parents are elderly, have mellowed out a lot (don't really act abusive but are still dismissive), and there is too much guilt for me to cut them dead out of my life when they are heading there soon anyway...

However, if I were a little stronger and self-nurturing, I would definitely choose ME over them. I hope you can do the same. That does not necessarily mean cutting them out completley. Perhaps there is a way to severely restrict interaction and then only on your terms... All I'm saying is choose yourself whatever way makes you feel right in your heart.

Your daughter needs to see a healthy, happy mommy. She needs to observe kindness among people you and she welcome into your lives. I wish you peace and strength...



steviechick
by Gold Member on May. 7, 2012 at 10:39 AM

Your daughter and you deserve to be around people that actually respect both of you.  The toxic views that your family is saying about you will ultimately filter into your own daughter's way of thinking.  She won't be respecting those that throw hurtful comments to you.  What is worse for your daughter?  Being with hatefilled morons or being with someone that respects others?  Your daughter is better off being away from that kind of BS. 

evajac
by on May. 8, 2012 at 4:34 AM

BUMP!

Bookoholic
by Bronze Member on May. 8, 2012 at 4:55 AM
Where do you live you can come to all my family gatherings we can even have a family dinner once a week lol.


Quoting evajac:

Thank you so much for your very insightful replies. I thought that would be the reaction. It is confusing though because my family tells me I am crazy, shouldnt have such a thin skin, have nerve to expect things, am a horrible person, etc, and so my reality is so different than theirs. I just dont want to take away family from my daughter. I agree that family does not need to be blood, but I meet lots of nice moms, and we do little playdates, but at the end of the day, everyone goes home to their families, do you kno what I mean? We get together because ood for the kids, but they are with their families on weekends, evenings, holidays , any free time etc. and my daughter and I are alone. So its nice to say that friends can be family, but its not like it feels that way. They are also busy with their own children and lives and I dont blame them. I also dont want my daughter to resent me later in life and say she doesnt have family because of me, because that is my family's "view". If I object to their behavior or have certain rules for her that they dont respect, they say I am separating the family from her. For instance my sister was going to "watch " her (3rd time since she was born over 2 years ago, we live close and I beg her to visit to which sssshe replies not to bother her) and I asked a few things, like not to text or speak on cell if she drives her and not to take her far away since my sister has never ever used a carseat before and my daughter is not used to her so may want to come home. She texted my ex to tell me to "shove my directions up my a.s".... and again didnt see her niece.







Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Dellyn
by on May. 8, 2012 at 2:13 PM

I hear how you feel about blood mattering and being somewhat irreplacable.  It is hard to give advice, not knowingjust how bad your family is and also family includes many. Maybe some cannot continue in your life and others can. I think if you are able to separate their treatment of you from their treatment of your daughter, that is something to think about. She will hurt for not having relationships with her family. I do however agree with the comments about disrespecting you in front of her and that is a different story.

If their are some members who you can trust to stay within those parameters then I think it is worth i to preserve her relationship with them. So, are there some who you can basically say "you don't have to like me, but you do have to not hurt my child by expressing that in front of her and so long as you can love her and protect her from your issues with me, your relationship with her can continue." If no, then sadly, yeah, I think for now anyway, that is a loss you probably can't avoid and I am so sorry for that hurt.

evajac
by on May. 8, 2012 at 8:34 PM

What a sweet thing of you to say! Just that one statement is more than I have gotten from my whole family together, no joke. I live in West Orange, NJ. How about you?

evajac
by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 12:56 AM

Quote Like Reply to Post

I am conflicted as to what to do with my family. I hate them. They have been so unsupportive and horrible to me since I became a mom 2 years ago, the stories would blow your mind. They do nothing for my daughter, never buy her anything, take her anywhere , etc etc. But they are nice to her when they see her and I know that makes her happy. I have been brought up with my mother saying family only counts and strangers dont care about you, but honestly without moms that I have met over the past 2 years, I think I may have been hospitalized for severe depression, due to the complete loneliness I have felt. We do not speak to my soon to be ex family (and I am separated because he is abusive and I threw him out) . It looks like my daughter will be an only child because I am an older mom, and I want her to have people who love her around. The truth is its impossible to not love her, she is the sweetest, most precious little angel. I think she feels the stress I feel when around my toxic family because she seems to cling to me and not feel comfortable when I am feeling stressed by things they say to me (they think she doesnt understand when they are insulting me or saying terrible things but she understands everything and is very verbal).

With my ex's family, story is a little different- they have been horrible to me and him always--- never acknowledged our engagement, send horrible emails saying they cant wait for us to get a divorce, send highly insulting prejudice emails to me and say everyone can say their opinion and how dare I be insulted,exclude me from invitations to family showers, etc-- all because we have had drama because he has been very abusive. Here again, I want my daughter to have family, but is it reasonable for me to have her see them when they dont even acknowledge me as a person let alone family?

So my question is...is it healthier for her to see them so she is in contact with family and people who can love her, or is it better for her to not be around people who are so toxic to her mother?

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)