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Trying to work things out with the ex ...SLOWLY..(warning: a bit long)

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Me and the ex were together for 8 yrs ..so long story short , the history is pretty much ..we had an ectopic pregnancy in october..separated in November. (he told me halloween weekend , that he did not know if he was inlove with me anymore or that he wanted a relationship ~ i later learned that it was his way of trying to get me to listen to what his 'needs' were ..to which he has apologized for up and down and realizes that it was very selfish on his part). 

We have had a lot of good talks ..a lot of things have been brought to the table of discussion , and there have been some realizations on both of our parts and some agreement's on things. 

However i have been honest with him , and told him that i do not want to hop right back into the 'relationship' aspect. Because there are still some things that i would like to work out for myself first, before i think of getting back into a relationship with ANYONE. 

Like ...i want to make my apartment ..MINE. We never did live together (which he see's now was wrong and he wants to move in with me and DD). But even though he never lived here , he had a ton of his stuff here...before that i was married ..before that i lived with my aunt's and uncles...i have not really had a place with just MY stuff (and DD's of course) in it. 

I also have a list of things i want to accomplish on my own .. and i know myself well enough to know , that when i am in a relationship i automatically put my train of thought as " the child and the man " come first... and well...im not saying that is a bad thing , i LIKE that about myself. But i want to find ME...

I have told him that i do not plan on going out on a date ..i do not plan on talking to anyone in a romantic way what so ever...because if i am trying to slowly work things out with him, than i do not think it is fair that i do those sort of things.. 

Now ..here is where the ugh part come's in..

he texts me every morning (which i like)..if i do not text him back within a half hour , he phones me ...which again i like..because it usually mean's i am still sleeping ..and he wakes me up in time to get DD ready and off to school ...so i appreciate those calls. 

He call's me every day on his lunch hour ..ladies due to his phone plan it is costing him $100 a month , because he calls long distance (depending on where his crew is that day)..and then he calls when he get's home from work , again at 8:30 to talk to DD for bedtime ..and then he will call me again around 11 to see if she went to bed ok for me. 

However the cost of the phone call's have come up and i have said to him " you dont have to call me every lunch hour ..a text is fine" i don't want him spending money that he should not have to spend..and well..like i tried to explain to him, sometimes i don't have anything to talk about and i am enjoying the peace and quiet .... 

I get told " well...you are just trying to push me away.." uhm..what ??? 

He took her tonight for his regular 2nd weekend visitation...DD is 10 , so she often stays up late on the weekends ..we each have a tradition to call her at 9 if she is not with one of us.

So i was at a friend's house and i looked at the clock realized it was 10 min to 9 ..went in my purse, grabbed my phone and saw that he text me 20 minute's prior to that letting me know DD was asleep...before i could finish reading the text, he was calling me. 

He often does this ...and the mornings i don't mind..but every other time he does this (when i don't have DD) ...it's starting to feel like he is trying to keep tab's on me. He never did these things when we were together...he would text yes ..but not constantly calling.

I am trying to push this out of my mind , but i can't help but feel like this.

I don't know how to explain it to him ..that i just want him to be more secure..i understand that he is afraid of losing me ..but his constant calling isn't giving either one of us space. 

I have a daughter that is ADD as well as just diagnosed with separation anxiety..so i am trying to work on her with that...and well , when she is not with me i like that i have that quiet time ..that time to be ME and be able to do what i want to do. 

I never turn him down when he ask's to come over ..or to hang out. EVER.

So when it is just me....i need that ..breathing room i guess you can say. 

Am i wrong for feeling like this ? Or is this normal ? 



by on Jun. 9, 2012 at 11:23 PM
Replies (21-22):
Two_Hearts
by on Jun. 11, 2012 at 5:42 PM

I actually took the time earlier to look up gas lighting and crazy making...you are not far off.

Quoting owl0210:

He's playing mind games with you classic manipulation which is also a sign of emotional abuse. I went through the same b.s. with my ex-husband. He would have my head spinning making me feel like it was my fault all the time. It's called gas lighting or crazy making. You don't deserve this.

Quoting Two_Hearts:

We ended up getting into a little disagreement, because i was not too talkative (well im not doing anything but sitting at home , and he wants me to have all this stuff to say after the 4th phone call..uhm..no.).

So he said something about how he got clearence to go get his safety glasses , i said " oh cool "..and then he said "what are you doing ?" .."nothing ..just sitting here ..like i have been all day" must have heard something in my voice because after that he said "ok, well fine than ill let you go since you dont seem to talkative" 

I said " how am i supposed to seem ? you have called 4 time's today! nothing has changed in the past two hours and you are calling for what ? just to sit on the phone!" 

He said he was calling to see if i wanted to go with him to get his glasses , i said 'well than why didnt you just say that? " he was mumbling about everything but that the whole convo...

He said goodbye and hung up the phone. Sent me a text saying 

" was wanting to see if you had time and wanted to come with me but dont worry about it, i also needed to ask you if you  could see when the glass place closes but don't worry about it". 

I text him back saying " I can find that stuff out for you, thats not a problem. I dont mind you asking me to go places with you..but really this calling constantly..i know its because you want to hear my voice , but it is really starting to feel like you just really do not trust me and do it to reassure yourself that im here by myself " ...and then i sent him a text saying that the glass place closes at 6 pm. 

I haven't heard a word back.


Quoting owl0210:

This isn't healthy at all and you should not subject yourself or your child to someone like this. He has issues that he needs help with. There are plenty of men out there that will not hound you because of their own insecurity and trust issues.



Quoting Two_Hearts:

OK...this is what i am talking about. 

He text me this morning ...but i was up late and didnt wake up to the text, so he called me at 7:10 ..woke us up..great ..those time's i do appreciate! 

Then he called me at 9 am ...then at 11 ...and then he just called me again! 

I get it ..he is insecure ( i was casually seeing someone for a while..it wasn't a sexual thing..but now he is a bit insecure). 

but when we were in a relationship i hardly ever heard from him during the day ...and now it's like every two hours he is calling me...he says it is to hear my voice, but a part of me feels like it is him just reassuring himself that i am by myself.

it's getting to the point that i hate not answering the phone , but im going to have to start!



Two_Hearts
by on Jun. 11, 2012 at 5:44 PM

you caught that too huh ? I don't get it !! I really really do not get it. 

I sent him that text explaining that i would go out with him..explaining about my feelings about the phone calls ..and its been 3 hours now and i have not heard from him...hmmmm...funny huh ? 

And i know ...i KNOW that he is going to say something like " well , you made it clear that it had to be YOUR way" ..which was not the case at all really..i am just asking for some compromise here.

There was no need for him to call me as many times as he did ..did i mention he WAS at work ??

Quoting faerie75:

Yep, he also seems non committal unless it's on his terms.

Quoting owl0210:

He's playing mind games with you classic manipulation which is also a sign of emotional abuse. I went through the same b.s. with my ex-husband. He would have my head spinning making me feel like it was my fault all the time. It's called gas lighting or crazy making. You don't deserve this.



Quoting Two_Hearts:

We ended up getting into a little disagreement, because i was not too talkative (well im not doing anything but sitting at home , and he wants me to have all this stuff to say after the 4th phone call..uhm..no.).

So he said something about how he got clearence to go get his safety glasses , i said " oh cool "..and then he said "what are you doing ?" .."nothing ..just sitting here ..like i have been all day" must have heard something in my voice because after that he said "ok, well fine than ill let you go since you dont seem to talkative" 

I said " how am i supposed to seem ? you have called 4 time's today! nothing has changed in the past two hours and you are calling for what ? just to sit on the phone!" 

He said he was calling to see if i wanted to go with him to get his glasses , i said 'well than why didnt you just say that? " he was mumbling about everything but that the whole convo...

He said goodbye and hung up the phone. Sent me a text saying 

" was wanting to see if you had time and wanted to come with me but dont worry about it, i also needed to ask you if you  could see when the glass place closes but don't worry about it". 

I text him back saying " I can find that stuff out for you, thats not a problem. I dont mind you asking me to go places with you..but really this calling constantly..i know its because you want to hear my voice , but it is really starting to feel like you just really do not trust me and do it to reassure yourself that im here by myself " ...and then i sent him a text saying that the glass place closes at 6 pm. 

I haven't heard a word back.


Quoting owl0210:

This isn't healthy at all and you should not subject yourself or your child to someone like this. He has issues that he needs help with. There are plenty of men out there that will not hound you because of their own insecurity and trust issues.





Quoting Two_Hearts:

OK...this is what i am talking about. 

He text me this morning ...but i was up late and didnt wake up to the text, so he called me at 7:10 ..woke us up..great ..those time's i do appreciate! 

Then he called me at 9 am ...then at 11 ...and then he just called me again! 

I get it ..he is insecure ( i was casually seeing someone for a while..it wasn't a sexual thing..but now he is a bit insecure). 

but when we were in a relationship i hardly ever heard from him during the day ...and now it's like every two hours he is calling me...he says it is to hear my voice, but a part of me feels like it is him just reassuring himself that i am by myself.

it's getting to the point that i hate not answering the phone , but im going to have to start!



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