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contemplating on leaving him

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I'm new, I'm a mother of 2 boys 21 month old & 7 month old, their father and I have been together 3.5 years. Long story short he's always been bad tempered and hates that he has to come home and help out with his sons, is always complaining how tired he is, but yet he is obsessed with working out and getting muscular...he's on his phone googling tips how and even met a trainer at his job willing to train him free. Like I said he comes home and complains he even has to lift a finger, yet change a diaper.
I'm a stay at home mom with my own home daycare, so I'm home all day with the boys + many more kids + make dinner, clean the house, & maintain my daycare tasks . Only a mother can imagine how much work that is...men dont know. I've been thru so much b.s with him n I'm honestly only still with him for my sons. But even that is not good enough now because he comes home and instntly wants to put our sons to sleep, just so he can watch tv uninterrupted. The days he goes to the gym straight after work he goes for 2 hrs , he comes home, sits on the toilet for half hour (no exaggeration) , showers, eats n watches tv n wants to go to bed without considering how tired I am or willing to help me with the boys. There are days I can't shower because he complains if i leave him alone with them for 20 minutes.
I told him if he doesn't want to be here he can go, I know he dreads having to come home. In public he loves to claim he's a great father but we argue all the time because I express to him how much I need his help and it goes unheard . He simply just ignores me now. I joined this aite tonight hoping for single moms advice and support. Thanks in advance ---- Elisa
by on Jun. 20, 2012 at 11:42 PM
Replies (11-17):
Mommyto2LilMen
by Tina on Jun. 21, 2012 at 1:21 PM
You need to do what is best for you and your kids.
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JannaRN99
by on Jun. 21, 2012 at 1:26 PM
I stayed with my husband "for the children" for 5 years too long, not to mention the bad years before that. As I have recently realized, my kids will be ok if I am ok. If mommy is happy, they will be happy. I need and deserve to be happy and they deserve a mom who is well and happy. You need to do what is best for you and the kids. :-)
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Andrewsmom70
by Silver Member on Jun. 21, 2012 at 1:35 PM
It sounds like he just doesn't know how to be a dad and that causes a cyclical problem. He doesn't know how to soothe your kids so he doesn't want to deal with them alone and since he doesn't want to deal with them alone he doesn't know how to soothe them. And as a tough guy man he probably doesn't want to admit it or ask for help.

What I'd do is provide time for him to be primary care giver but with you nearby for support. Make him step up and do it but be there to give support and suggestions of what you do in similar situations. But make him do it.

Also, have y'all tried couples counseling at all? That could help some too.
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TwinsTwice2011
by Member on Jun. 24, 2012 at 5:39 PM

Staying for the kids never works. I tried to stay with my kids father who is abusive (mentally physically and emotionally) for the kids just to decide to finally leave him yesterday after 10 years. I kept saying I would stay for the kids but deep down inside I didn't want to be there because the reality was I was very unhappy. Now I'm trying to figure out how to go on without him. I have a lot of work to do and the kids are with him until I get some permanent housing but at the end of the day I feel liberated and free like now I'm finally in control of my happiness. So don't stay just for your sons you deserve to be happy and be with someone who will love take care and support you. It's a scary decision to make...good luck! 

TwinsTwice2011
by Member on Jun. 24, 2012 at 5:41 PM

Totally agree.

Quoting JannaRN99:

I stayed with my husband "for the children" for 5 years too long, not to mention the bad years before that. As I have recently realized, my kids will be ok if I am ok. If mommy is happy, they will be happy. I need and deserve to be happy and they deserve a mom who is well and happy. You need to do what is best for you and the kids. :-)


lydi
by on Jun. 24, 2012 at 5:47 PM

 is he willing to go to couples counseling? it sounds like he doesnt have a clue and maybe a 3rd party can help with that, if not than i think you should list the pros and cons about staying with him and go with the winning list. i am sorry to hear that you are in pain and i hope it gets better.

RobJar
by Member on Jun. 24, 2012 at 6:51 PM
1 mom liked this
Your situation sounds so much like mine was a few years ago, down to the at home daycare. One day I'd just had it with him not helping and not wanting to spend time together as a family and I left on a Saturday, stayed with my mom for a few days. Found a small place for me and my boys on a Wednesday. Filed for divorce on Thursday. Yes I had to give up my at home daycare, and our nice new home, and new cars, but 6 years later. I'm happy. I've remarried, we own a business that he runs and I work full. We dont have a huge brand new house or new cars, but I'm happier, which in turn. My kids are happier. And on a side note. His life sucks now, he lost the house and cars, and he's already been married and divorced, and he lives with his brother in a crappy smelly trailor.
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