My sons father is making my life a living hell by telling the courts what he wants and making it seem like that's what I want too. He's got them eating out of the palm of his hand. He's seen my son once, ever, and I haven't heard a thing from him since court. But I'm afraid now. After having NO say at the child support hearing, and getting more or less fked over, I don't know what he's capable of. He has them assuming we're splitting custody 50/50... but that's not the case. I spent all week looking for a lawyer but I can't get one to take the case, they keep just passing me off and it's so frustrating. I've been near tears wanting to scream all day. I don't know what to do, the mediation that shouldn't even be happening since there isn't shared custody is on Wednesday, and I'm freaking out. On top of all this my roommate is being a dick, staying out all night then taking it out on me cuz he's tired the next day. NOT MY FAULT! My car's still in the shop so I'm still a prisoner to his whims, we need groceries 3 days ago. He won't even check the mail, and he keeps the key on him. I've gotten behind on homework, I'm losing hours at work but because of how much I made last month plus my financial aid from school that is currently fixing my car, I make too much to get state legal aid. I know all I can do is push on and hang in there, but my resolve is cracking and that little shred of hope that everything will be great someday is fading fast. I truely, 100% honestly wish that I hadn't bothered with child support, and would give anything if I could make that man disappear. This is honestly a living hell. I will still hate him every day for the rest of my life for changing my sons last name to his. He just popped up and destroyed my family. I don't know what to do. I wish I had the answer.
Don't be so wishy washy over things. Compromise is all you can do.
He didn't pop up, that is his child, and he deserves to be a part of his life just as much as you are....If you didn't want that, then you shouldn't have made a baby with him!! As far as needing groceries...walk, or get a ride with someone else, surely your "roommate" isn't the only person who could take you shopping!!I'm not sure how cutting hours this month changes what you made last month, but if you made more than expected you should have savings, which is always nice!!!
I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but I have a similar situation in my life right now, but it's my daughter in your position, and my grandson's dad who wants to be a part of his life, but my daughter has taken her son to another state and is trying to avoid it/pretend like it's not happening, but it's going to bite her in the butt one day. Mediation has to be done whether custody is split or not. That's how they decide what is in the best interest of THE CHILD. They court doesn't care what's happening in your life unless it negatively affects the child, and the same thing goes for him. Mediation is so that you can compromise before you see the judge, and don't think for a second that mediator doesn't report everything. I told my daughter from the beginning to include the dad, let him to to this ultrasound, let him go here, let him do that.. The main things that the judge is going to look at is which one of the parents is the most willing to encourage a relationship between the child and the other parent. I will also say that a lot of the time anymore, the courts give joint custody.. 50/50 and when they do the paperwork, they set a child support amount for both of you, that way nobody has to go back to court and waste more of their time to have it amended if the child ends up with the other parent for any amount of time. It's legality. And I agree, and have told my daughter the very same thing.. that she knew how babies were made, and if she didn't want to have that connection to him for the rest of her life, there was only one way to prevent that.
What you need to do is suck it up and realize that this is for life, you will always have that connection and the only thing that you can hope for at this point is that he's just doing this to be a douche and he'll lose interest after a while and go away. Then you did what you had to do, you paid your dues, you sacrificed a little bit of your life and in the end, it will be worth it. If he doesn't walk away then GOOD for him! There should be more young men out there like that, and I don't know what has gotten into you young women today, but I didn't raise my daughter to be like she is, and just because she gave birth, it doesn't give her the right to take anything away from a dad that wants to be there, and a son who should be allowed to have that relationship with his father.. Just because he may not be the best "person" in the world, it doesn't mean that he won't be a good dad. Just like not all people that are good people make good dads. They're completely different.
Everything will be great someday, and that day is going to be the day that you accept it for what it is, you deal with it and you make the best of it.. because if you don't and you refuse to compromise, there's a good chance that the judge will see you as hostile, and unwilling to allow a relationship, and that may cause you your son all together. I know you don't want that, nobody ever wants to see that.
your ex sounds like mine, except mine really couldn't care less though he can see the boys when he likes. maybe ask for supervised visits if he wants to get to know your son, then see where it goes from there, but you make sure you put down what you want. do not let him run the show. good luck
i would tell the courts this and hopefully they will start with supervised visits and he can prove he will be a stable father, if not you will have proof that he isnt and can take it back to court, stand up for yourself and stay strong.
Quoting mama_grizz:
Wow. First off, he has yet to show any interest. He knew I was pregnant, I sent updates he did not respond to, I sent news when my son was born. He did not say a thing to me til about a week before the hearing, and it was just to propose his idea of getting money from his employer by lying about having custody, then giving us a very small portion of it for support. That's it. No attempt at visiting, he saw him at the courthouse because my roommate had the kids and was my ride. My son cried, he handed him back and walked off. This man has a short temper, is quick to violence, and possibly has ptsd from 3 tours in Iraq. Understandably I worry about my son being alone with him.
I said I hoped it didn't sound too harsh.. I said hopefully he was just being a douche and he would get it out of his system and walk away. I don't tend to sugarcoat anything, and you didn't mention any of this in your first post, you only complained about how you couldn't do anythingI honestly just don't understand why you're stressing so much over something that hasn't even happened yet, and you've not really researched, otherwise you would have had your facts. Again, not to sound harsh or be rude, but I think a lot more men are like that than you'd like to think. I'm not even a man, and here's how I see it.. You're not in a relationship, obviously. Obviuosly there's a reason for that, I'm not assuming I know anything, I'm just going off of the facts as you have presented them. He doesn't have to go to appointments with you, he doesn't have to hold your hand, his life doesn't change until that baby is born, once he's here, in the flesh, that's when a lot of men acknowledge it. Is it right? Is it wrong? Who are we to judge him for his feelings? Nobody. How does him telling his employer he has custody get him more money? Is he still in the military? If that's the case, and you're seriously worried about his possibly having PTSD after 3 tours in Iraq, perhaps you should find out who his chain of command is and tell them that you think he's got a problem, and that he won't let you help him, and then let them take it from there. My husband was in Afghanistan and then Iraq. He can't even hear a loud noise without ducking for cover, his temper is a bit short, but you've got a messy situation as it is, you can't expect sunshine and unicorns, and if the way you treat him in person is anything like the way you talk about him here,something tells me he went the exact route that he needed to go. I'm sorry, but he doesn't have to be your partner, and he doesn't have to be your friend, he only has to be a dad to that baby, and if he steps up, more power to him. Just because the situation isn't the way you want it to be, it doesn't mean he's wrong. But, if that's what you're using is PTSD, I think you should do some research and talk to a doctor.. discuss it in mediation with a safe party there.. there are pleny things to do before you start pointing fingers, because remember, for every finger you point at someone, there are 3 more pointing back at you. If you're honest and flexible, you shouldn't have anything to worry about.
Quoting mama_grizz:
Wow. First off, he has yet to show any interest. He knew I was pregnant, I sent updates he did not respond to, I sent news when my son was born. He did not say a thing to me til about a week before the hearing, and it was just to propose his idea of getting money from his employer by lying about having custody, then giving us a very small portion of it for support. That's it. No attempt at visiting, he saw him at the courthouse because my roommate had the kids and was my ride. My son cried, he handed him back and walked off. This man has a short temper, is quick to violence, and possibly has ptsd from 3 tours in Iraq. Understandably I worry about my son being alone with him.
Have you contacted Legal Aid for an attorney? Your bd didn't just pop up... you made the baby with him and he's just as much his as he is yours. That's simply a fact of life you will have to deal with. Sounds to me like a new roommate is called for....
This child is half his. He does have a right to a say. He is entitled to see his child. Those are facts, you need to deal with them. You came argue them. You cant pretend they aren't there.
If you want an atty, find one. Talk to people, get a recommendation for a good one. Pay the price..literally.
Everybody goes through mediation, even if they agree. I did it with my ex and we agreed. That's the way the system works.
You need to gain an attitude of cooperation and compromise before mediation and for life because that's what raising a child is about.
This isn't your way or the highway, if you go in with that attitude, you will walk away with every other weekend and wednesdays. While he tucks your child into bed every night.
Him not showing an interest in your pregnancy, has zero meaning in court. Don't even bring it up.
You want to prove he isn't doing his part for real, document the hell out of everything and then take him back to court in six to eight months and show a judge. Until then, cooperate, communicate, and compromise.
Quoting Livinwith3boys:He didn't pop up, that is his child, and he deserves to be a part of his life just as much as you are....If you didn't want that, then you shouldn't have made a baby with him!! As far as needing groceries...walk, or get a ride with someone else, surely your "roommate" isn't the only person who could take you shopping!!I'm not sure how cutting hours this month changes what you made last month, but if you made more than expected you should have savings, which is always nice!!!
Good news, im so excited!
- mama_grizz
on Jun. 26, 2012 at 1:50 AM