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It's about my bf and his baby mama... I need some input.

Normally, I don't post personal information but I need some advice from some single mamas.

The background: Long story short, I was looking for a room to rent and found one on Craigslist.  The guy was super awesome and months later we started to see each other romantically.  This is not in either of our character and we kept quiet about it for months.  Please understand and don't pass judgement - we would have never done this if we didn't think this was IT.  I wouldn't of taken a chance if I didn't think I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life with this man.

He has 3 girls, under the age of 8.  He usually had them most of the time.  Since I live here in his house already, it's kinda weird because we are seriously dating but we don't show anything in front of the kids.  It's not time yet. 

Well the baby mama found out about us of course.  We openly dated in front of her family, his family, and any mutual friends - all adults.  The baby mama threatened to take the kids away and he would see them only every other weekend.  He of course got super upset since up until this point, we had his kids with us most of the time.  His baby mama got mad and is making rules for "our" house saying the kids can never be left alone with me again, and that his oldest and my dd can't sleep together.  If they do sleep together, it's because we all like to sleep in the living room it's never as if they are alone or anything bad.  They're kids and it's summer time and they live together.  They reversed the schedule around and now she has the kids more. She's never had a problem with me before this.

So last night my bf told his oldest that whatever happens in our house, stays in our house.  He told her to not tell her mom the truth - that if she sleeps with my dd, we can't let her mom know.  He's afraid if his dd doesn't lie, that the bm will try and take the kids away.

I feel freaking awful.  First the baby mama wants to make rules, but whatever she's the mom and I'll never disrespect or talk bad about her.  But now he's making the oldest dd lie to her mom?  I am not comfortable at all!  They never had drama really until I came along and it's probably because I'm the first serious gf since her. 

I'm going to have a talk later with him tonight but I don't know a solution to the problem... which is why I'm posting to single moms that have to deal with their BD. 

Anyone have advice they can give me from the baby mama point of view? 

by on Jun. 26, 2012 at 4:21 PM
Replies (11-20):
viv212
by Vivian on Jun. 26, 2012 at 4:46 PM

I agree.  He's a freakin great father and he never says no when it's her time and she wants to drop off the kids early or pick them up late.  If he does try, I told him that all he has to do is ask for his kids to have them 50% of the time. There's no way she can take the kids from him if he is willing to fight for them... right?

Quoting MsMellyMc:

I agree that she is probably just pissed b/c you're the first gf since her.  Hopefully, in time she will chill out some. 

I don't think telling your child to lie is a good idea...then when she lies about other things, he'll wonder where she got it.  
He needs to talk to the BM and lay down some rules...I would think that w/o good cause, she can't take the kids away from him huh?   


brieri
by Platinum Member on Jun. 26, 2012 at 4:50 PM

Relating to the part about whatever happens in your house stays there.  He should have just told DD, not to say anything to BM about any issues going on at your house even if she brings it up.  Because that's true, whatever goes on your house stays at your house, the same as it is at BM's house.  I had this problem too with my kids, but no matter what I did, he would hound them to find out what was going on so my kids told.  So he would bring these things to court.  Yet, I was the one that was ordered to a High Conflict class, go figure. 

MsMellyMc
by on Jun. 26, 2012 at 4:55 PM

I would think not. I would think that unless she had major evidence of problems with him, that would def harm the kids, she has no ground to stand on.

Good luck!!!  :)

Quoting viv212:

I agree.  He's a freakin great father and he never says no when it's her time and she wants to drop off the kids early or pick them up late.  If he does try, I told him that all he has to do is ask for his kids to have them 50% of the time. There's no way she can take the kids from him if he is willing to fight for them... right?

Quoting MsMellyMc:

I agree that she is probably just pissed b/c you're the first gf since her.  Hopefully, in time she will chill out some. 

I don't think telling your child to lie is a good idea...then when she lies about other things, he'll wonder where she got it.  
He needs to talk to the BM and lay down some rules...I would think that w/o good cause, she can't take the kids away from him huh?   



viv212
by Vivian on Jun. 26, 2012 at 10:45 PM

Thanks for the input :)  My bf's point of view, because he was with her for 11 years, is that she is jealous. 

And he also told her he wasn't trying to fill her shoes.  That's been my viewpoint all along - she's the mom and I know my place with their relationship and in their parenting of their kids.  She just doesn't know that those are my feelings.

You make a good point that her issue is that she was never told.  I would be mad, too, if all her sisters and mom knew and barely told her.  We would go on "double dates" with one of her sisters.

And honestly, the girls have only started sleeping together since the summer started.  I make sure that they don't share a blanket, too but that's just so that they don't get cold in the middle of the night.  It's also been a total of 4 times that they have slept together but their dd made it sound to the mom like it happens nightly.

Everyone does have a bed of their own, yes. 

Quoting Tashia07:

She didn't have a problem with him renting a room where her children live, but she has a problem with him having a positive relationship with a woman? Sounds like she is jealous, to me.  You really have to take a step back and try to see it from her point of view... The issue maybe that she was never told there was a relationship between the two of you.  She may also feel that since you are in the house with the girls you are filling her shoes.  You have to take a backseat and let them duke it out.  If you aren't comfortable with having his daughter lying... stop whatever behaviour the mother disapproves of.  Does everyone have a bed of their own?


viv212
by Vivian on Jun. 26, 2012 at 10:49 PM
1 mom liked this

No, I've NEVER slept with her kids.  My dd is 12 and his dd is 8.  I hope time is what she needs, thanks for that.  We ALL need time.  Me and the bf are sort of weening everyone into this. 

Quoting rae021:

I agree, no lying and that can backfire in court and is not healthy for the kids.

On another note.... I do support the children having Sep sleeping arrangments. It's in my order bc there is a step daughter who is a lot older and obviously is not blood related to my daughter so for overnites she my dd has to have her own bed. I get what you mean by sleep overs in living room. All kids do that. But you should not be in the same bed as her kids, I'm assuming ur not since you guys have been discreet. Just give her time, it is your house but they are her kids not just his. Patience is the best here and no lying.


miracle0712
by on Jun. 27, 2012 at 9:49 AM
I think first off that you should never tell a child to lie to her parents. That just puts a lot of stress on that child and that's not fair to her! He should probably try to get a court order for visitation or joint custody! It would just insure he still gets his kids no matter how upset the mother gets!
Jeni1124
by on Jun. 27, 2012 at 10:08 AM

Step #1 - NEVER tell a child to hide ANYTHING from their mother. That is a BIG no no.

Personally, I would not be comfortable at all with my children living in a home with their father and their father's girlfriend. Regardless of the circumstances. Sorry, thats just how I feel.

Have the three of you (mom, dad, you) sat down together to talk?

steviechick
by Gold Member on Jun. 27, 2012 at 10:28 AM

In my case my ex told me of his three year affair that was going on with his co-worker a week before he left for deployment.  I actually met the homewrecker back in 2007.  My ex and the mistress (now wife) have two kids together.  They created these kids while having their affair.  My DD was 17 when my ex and I divorced.  She just turned 18.  Had she been much younger I would have it in the divorce settlement that my DD not have anything to do with the mistress nor the kids.  Only have a relationship with her father.  The mistress has no right to be in my DD's life (and still doesn't).  The kids - they are innocent.  However, any kind of relationship with them would eventually involve the homewrecker.  Something I could and never would tolerate.  I would only allow my ex and my DD to be together.  Now that she's 18 she can make her own decisions - however - she knows my feelings about the homewrecker.  Any kind of a relationship with her would be disrespecting me.  The homewrecker knew my ex and I were married.  She agreed to sneak around with my husband while we were married and did this for three years.  The homewrecker was the one that helped break-up my marriage.  And, if anything else she produced two kids out of wedlock.  It doesn't say much about her character and respect of me being the wife does it?  The half-siblings will be something my DD has to work out as she is an adult.  I can't imagine how she can keep the homewrecker out of her life if she gets involved with these kids.  Her father has done some idiotic things in his life.  This is the biggest doozey of them all. 

A father should never tell their child to lie.  A child should never have to carry this kind of burden.  The father should be able to tell his ex-wife the truth.  I see nothing wrong with two little girls sleeping together.  I slept with my siblings all the time when I was little.  I don't see the big issue here.  You and the ex-husband got involved after the divorce.  The ex-wife isn't happy about the relationship that her ex is having with you.  It's not like you were a homewrecker.  It's simple jealously on her part.  She can't do anything about this living arrangement.  If it's not stated in the settlement agreement about future gf's living with the ex then there is nothing she can do to change things.  The only way she can do anything about a gf is if the gf is a danger to her kids.  I certainly don't see this scenerio here. 

Tish_Hughes
by on Jun. 27, 2012 at 11:17 AM

 Ain't nobody got time for that.

viv212
by Vivian on Jun. 27, 2012 at 6:35 PM

No, we have never all sat down to talk.

My bf and I had a very long talk yesterday.  He knows he was wrong about having his dd lie so he is going to talk to his dd today and apologize to her.  He also is supposed to talk to his baby's mom.  We are worried she's going to file for CS now that she is taking the kids more.  In our talk last night, he did mention that all the stuff on my mind that I could tell his baby's mom.  So... I think it might come to me and her talking.  I'm fine with that.  We'll see how it goes... 

Quoting Jeni1124:

Step #1 - NEVER tell a child to hide ANYTHING from their mother. That is a BIG no no.

Personally, I would not be comfortable at all with my children living in a home with their father and their father's girlfriend. Regardless of the circumstances. Sorry, thats just how I feel.

Have the three of you (mom, dad, you) sat down together to talk?


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