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Need some advice about BF's child

Posted by on Jul. 1, 2012 at 9:08 PM
  • 11 Replies

 short story....been with boyfriend  well over a year. my sons is 4.5 - they are close(he is not his biological dad)

his son is 12 - only comes around when he has nothing else to do - or to get out of going to church - the bf doesnt force his son to spend time with him anymore. his son is jealous of me and my son has verbalized it to his biological mom, but doesnt make much effort to come to his dads (spend the night or just do anything period) -

moving on - BF's parents planning a family trip in august( after I graduate nursing school) - the boyfriends son has stated he doesnt care if I go but doesnt want my son to go. it takes attention off of him.....and that my son spends more time with his dad -- granted he does but my son is always with us, and no one forces him to come over or spend time here with his dad - it is his choice....

i feel like a lot of things are dictated by him(12 year old) and it is starting to bother me....

Advice on how to handle this situation.

 


Evan


[[12/30/2007]]

by on Jul. 1, 2012 at 9:08 PM
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Replies (1-10):
happymommy1105
by Gold Member on Jul. 1, 2012 at 9:28 PM
Tell bf how you feel.

But really there isn't anything you can do.
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Sweet_Carol_126
by on Jul. 1, 2012 at 9:50 PM

There are obviously 2 possible answers here.  First I would not leave my son home and who would he stay with?  Either he goes or you stay with him. 

Since this is your BF's family trip, it might be better if you let him and his son go and enjoy the grandparents and try to bond.  That way neither of you take away from his attention with the family.  You, your BF and your son can do something together another time. 

However, your BF should sart insisting on his visitation time.  His son needs to get in a habit of having a little brother.  Yet it might be cary as are you going to be there very long?  You are not married so it is not a permanent relationship.  If you were married, I'd say he had a choice to come or not to come but that you were a family and your son would be with you.  However, I think i might watch out for your son a bit to make sure he isn't hurt even if there is a little hassle.  Sometimes older kids do hassle younger ones a bit just make sure it is not out of line.  You may think of this as permanent but you have been together only one year and you haven't made a legal commitment to one another.

I think you need to talk this over with your BF.  Under no conditions would I go if my son wasn't going, but I would not be offended to stay home or do something special iwth my son and let him and his family go together.  However, if the vacation were going to be at Disney then I think I'd go and take my son and tell his son that you hope he will come, too.  it is possible that the boys could bnd on a trip like this though the differences in their ages is quite a bit.  Judge where you are going and decide if that is something that your son would enjoy and whether he might be in danger because of what you are doing.j  A cruise is not the best place for a 4.5 year old.  If you are going on walks in the woods or see national monuments, it is probably not the best place for a 4.5 year old.  Think of all these things and then decide after prayer what you should do.  Only you can decide.  Perhaps 1.  decide whether your son would have a good experience and you would as well and would not end up having to carry him everywhere (if you will and take him, get a backpacking thing for kids to carry him)(.  2.  if he would enjoy it, then decide whether your BF and his son need to bond more than all of you bonding right now.  3.  Do you and your BF feel that it would be better if your son went so you could all bond as a family.  I can understand him feeling jealous of your son as he lives with Dad but I am not sure I'd give him a choice of going or not if his mother is willing to have him go.  I still think your husband needs to push to enforce visitation.  Your BF has a right to visitation with his kid.  Kid can choose guardian but may not be able to choose visitation.  Enforce it.

mom2bee2008
by on Jul. 1, 2012 at 10:14 PM
I briefly talked with him about we actually just got back from a weekend trip to the beach to visit friends, after I get things settled i plan to talk about it.
I do know that we do not have any legal commitment as in marriage but we both are on the same
Page as that is what we want. I will say that I and my family have taken opportunities to include him in things (parties, vacations etc) and he doesn't go for it. He has two siblings who are younger(his bio mom is married) the trip is only a beach trip. We did live together for a few months recently but with my schedule with work and school location the drive was long. I stay at his house with my son 4 days and three at my parents. Once I finish school we plan to change the living arrangement. It frustrates me because I don't think a 12 year old should dictate things that way. My opinion is he needs to get use to the idea that I nor my son are going anywhere. That's harsh but it's true. There has been other situations where he has manipulated his grandparents/dad I keep my mouth shut and don't say anything. It is starting to become a problem. I know
How important it is to be a father and the times he does come over he expect money to be dropped on him or to just sit in front of the Tv playing video games for an adult and eat junk food. When I cook he rather
Eat junk food and not touch a very decent home cooked meal. His father, myself and my son all eat at the dinner table - he rather not eat at all with us. His dad has to make him.
I feel as if we don't nip this in the bud and get a handle on it its going to spiral out of control. A 12 year old should not be given the power to make those choices.
As far as my son he never leaves my sight I'm a pretty hands on mom. I also worry about a possible hassle but I never put him in those situations. Ever. I do know that my BFs parents give his son any and everything he wants - handed to him. He does poorly in school, talks back as even cusses at his mother. And he is always rewarded from the grandparents.
I always worry that if we have a child together it would become a lot worse. We have talked about years down the road having a child. (he's working on a degree and I'm finishing up mine and plan to go back and work on my BSN-MSN) I do want more children but do not want my son or other offspring to be treated unfairly. When my family and myself treat the BFs son just the same as my own.
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Refurbished
by on Jul. 2, 2012 at 11:21 AM

Why does SS decide visitation instead of the adults?  He only comes around when he has nothing better to do?  He's a child.  He goes where he's told.

12-year-olds are never trilled to spend time with a 4-year-old, no matter who they are.  It's unrealistic to expect him to enjoy that. 

mom2bee2008
by on Jul. 2, 2012 at 1:20 PM
Everyone pretty much caters to him....They say he is an emotional child no he just cries until he gets his way. I don't expect him to enjoy being around a 4 year old but I dont think he should dictate a
Situation so that myself or my son are not involved.
I talked with my SO he is going to sit his son down and talk to him about things including me and my son.
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raegan1221
by Raegan on Jul. 2, 2012 at 1:23 PM

 Well...obviously there are some issues there...don't think you are doing anything wrong. I think 12 year old may be at an awkward stage and he wants the attention of his Dad which he isn't getting. Maybe him and his Dad coould have some one on one time just the two of them. If it were me, I'd probably let them go and spend time together on the trip and stay home with my son.

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Jul. 2, 2012 at 1:43 PM
I would not tolerate my child being excluded. I think maybe your bf should make his son come over more often and spend quality time with him. 12 is still young. But since ebis jealous o you and your son, have it be when he can spend some one on one with him, then all four of you. Maybe he needs some counseling too. But no, about him dictating who goes on the Fam trip and I'd bf went along with this request I wouldn't go and honestly would question whether I wanted to stay in he relationship.
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faerie75
by Ruby Member on Jul. 2, 2012 at 1:47 PM
Sounds like the ever dreaded daddy guilt. It is very fucking annoying. My bf does not allow it to get that far though an I do speak up for myself if I see manipulation going on.

Quoting mom2bee2008:

I briefly talked with him about we actually just got back from a weekend trip to the beach to visit friends, after I get things settled i plan to talk about it.

I do know that we do not have any legal commitment as in marriage but we both are on the same

Page as that is what we want. I will say that I and my family have taken opportunities to include him in things (parties, vacations etc) and he doesn't go for it. He has two siblings who are younger(his bio mom is married) the trip is only a beach trip. We did live together for a few months recently but with my schedule with work and school location the drive was long. I stay at his house with my son 4 days and three at my parents. Once I finish school we plan to change the living arrangement. It frustrates me because I don't think a 12 year old should dictate things that way. My opinion is he needs to get use to the idea that I nor my son are going anywhere. That's harsh but it's true. There has been other situations where he has manipulated his grandparents/dad I keep my mouth shut and don't say anything. It is starting to become a problem. I know

How important it is to be a father and the times he does come over he expect money to be dropped on him or to just sit in front of the Tv playing video games for an adult and eat junk food. When I cook he rather

Eat junk food and not touch a very decent home cooked meal. His father, myself and my son all eat at the dinner table - he rather not eat at all with us. His dad has to make him.

I feel as if we don't nip this in the bud and get a handle on it its going to spiral out of control. A 12 year old should not be given the power to make those choices.

As far as my son he never leaves my sight I'm a pretty hands on mom. I also worry about a possible hassle but I never put him in those situations. Ever. I do know that my BFs parents give his son any and everything he wants - handed to him. He does poorly in school, talks back as even cusses at his mother. And he is always rewarded from the grandparents.

I always worry that if we have a child together it would become a lot worse. We have talked about years down the road having a child. (he's working on a degree and I'm finishing up mine and plan to go back and work on my BSN-MSN) I do want more children but do not want my son or other offspring to be treated unfairly. When my family and myself treat the BFs son just the same as my own.
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mom2bee2008
by on Jul. 2, 2012 at 3:47 PM
Usually when his son does come over it is to get out of church and is during the week(I work in the am and school in evening) I'm not there those times his son comes over. Honestly to me his son only comes over to get out of church. He rather not stay over night because his dad doesn't have cable so he can't watch tv and his dad doesn't have money to go drop on him the way his grandparents do.
I told him its a problem and has been and it needs to be addressed or it will spiral out of control.
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MicahBoo07
by on Jul. 3, 2012 at 2:11 PM

 U have to remember ur the gf not the wife. Did u ever think that ur bf may like seeing his son on the times he comes over and doesn't stay the night? If its a family vacation then shouldn't it be blood going? The child might want some time alone with his dad and family to bond. If ur around or ur child how can they bond just the guy.

ur issue on how the boy gets his way all the time shouldn't be up to him but up the adults but thats as far as u should go in talking about how u feel.

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