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I miss my real baby, not this brat my ex keeps sending me back!

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So me and my son's father split up a year ago. We finalized the custody.

I have a wonderful 3 year old boy named Logan, and a boyfriend named Nick who is so wonderful with him. We will be together for a year in September.

My problem?

Logan has always been such a sweet boy. Nice and caring. When I tell him not to do something, he obeys, and runs off to play with something else. He has seriously been the BEST behaved 3 year old ever!

However, he is having a hard time adjusting. Whenever my ex brings him to me, I can tell he does not get disciplined there. He comes back and is screaming. Is sucking his fingers (has NEVER done that before) and EVERY time i tell him not to do something he screams "no. no. no."

I hate it. I love my son so much. But this isn't him. I hate to say it but he is acting like a brat. And he is not. He knows better than to act like this. And I just don't know how to handle this at all! I'm so frustrated. This isnt' my sweet baby boy. 

And my ex and I do NOT get along at all. Any advice on the best way to discipline him and handle these mood swings???

by on Aug. 2, 2012 at 1:52 PM
Replies (221-230):
cats911
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 2:22 AM

He is angry with his situation and this is his way of telling you.  When he comes back, you need to give him your undivided attention, just you.  Sit and hold him, talk to him, rock him.  Make him feel very secure.  Because that is what he is NOT feeling, having had to go with his dad.  I was a child of divorce also.  From my earliest times, I could remember being so nervous, especially if my dad had a girlfriend or a wife (it varied by the year).  My constant was my mom.  He needs to realize and understand that YOU are his constant.  Once he understands and feels this, he will settle down.  Acting out is his stress reliever.  How does his dad's girlfriend/wife deal with him?

My grandson's stepmother dealt with him horribly.  She slapped him and spanked him for anything, and he was not a bad child, she did not like him, and wanted to show her power over him to my daughter.  You do need to check into who he is with when he is with your ex.

Hope it gets better quickly

blucandie
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 2:27 AM

Same here. I'm in a similar situation. I have noticed that my DD (2 years) comes home in a fussy mood with extra attitude after spending a night @ her dad's. It's almost like she gets to do whatever she wants while there so when she gets home & I don't let her run amock, she acts out. We are cuurently going through a divorce & she only sees him once or twice a week, but there are times when he travels a lot & is gone for weeks at a time. So, I know it messes with her schedule. Usually it only lasts for the day she comes home though & she's back to herself the next day. Her dad & I have a decent relationship (when it comes to our child...between just us tho, not so much, but we have seemed to be civil with each other when talking about our child). I make suggestions & he agrees, but then again, once at his house how do I know he does anything we discussed or agreed upon? I tell him all the time that we need to be on the same page about almost everything when it comes to our DD. Good Luck to all of us! :)

Solo_Fan
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 2:38 AM

   I know my son skipped the terrible 2's.  He had terrible 3's.  Maybe he is just going through the Terrible 3's.

Mama2MiaLee
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 10:07 AM

I just tell my little boy that is not how we act in this house and he pretty much stops. He just turned 4...  He comes home whiney and cries about everything! Apparently that works on Dad and step mom. I tell him that might work at thier house but not in mine! You use your words at my house. If you want something ask for it, if you need attention tell me. And he snaps out of it pretty fast. It really takes about a day of reminding him and then he stops completely, it depends on how long he's been at his Dads. I have a TERRIBLE relationship with Dad and step mom so I don't even try to talk to them or co-parent. (I would LOVE to but they have no desire to) so I have to address things with the kids themselves.  

natalia1220
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 10:22 AM
Try to be patient. Maybe Logan is having a hard time adjusting and this is his way of showing you he does not feel good about all this.
missybest
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 10:36 AM

Quit pretending that a sweet, docile little boy is going to stay that way!  He is 3 years old now.  Little ones start to show independence, meaning they don't do everything they are told!  He has a father and a mother who don't get along well, whether you like it or not!  You set boundaries at your home and help him learn to deal with your boundaries.  This is parenting, dear!  The worst thing you can do is stop being his mother!  It also will not help him if you take his father away from him!  Only if his father is abusive in some way should you try to do that.  So, you need to deal with the situation as it is and be there for your little boy.  This isn't "easy playtime", this is parenthood!  You don't leave or push your child away when things get difficult!

Quilting82
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 11:42 AM

You have a three year old and I have a six year old grandchild with the same problems.  My son, who lives with us, has custody.  He came back from his mother's last night and was horrible. Screaming, wining, crying.  I have learned to take it easy the day  he comes home. She has no bed time for him and he is usually massively overtired.  We gave him a nice warm bath, got his pjs on and let him watch tv until he drifted  to sleep.  This morning he was much more our sweet  liltle grandson again.  In sum, keep the stress low the day he comes home and if he gets out of line remind him quietly that his conduct isn't  acceptable in our house.

jennc1977
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 1:10 PM

As a child of divorced parents and parent to a child of divorced parents, this is a tough age on any child. He may be three, but he does know better. He knows what he has been taught consistently. My son was the same age when his father left. I had him talk with someone. They used play therapy. He is young and it not able to really express what he is feeling. The best thing to do is reassure him that you love him. If your ex does not agree to counselling, then you can have him brought before the court since it is of the child's well being. Be very careful about what you say about your ex when he is around and be careful how you act around each other. I got through it with my son so you can do this. It just takes more patience, love, understanding and organization. Keep a journal of the behavior.

3lilladies81
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 5:47 PM
It's people like you that made me leave cafemom the first time. There is no need to express your opinion in such a *itchy way! If your having a bad day don't take it out on other people!

Quoting missybest:

Quit pretending that a sweet, docile little boy is going to stay that way!  He is 3 years old now.  Little ones start to show independence, meaning they don't do everything they are told!  He has a father and a mother who don't get along well, whether you like it or not!  You set boundaries at your home and help him learn to deal with your boundaries.  This is parenting, dear!  The worst thing you can do is stop being his mother!  It also will not help him if you take his father away from him!  Only if his father is abusive in some way should you try to do that.  So, you need to deal with the situation as it is and be there for your little boy.  This isn't "easy playtime", this is parenthood!  You don't leave or push your child away when things get difficult!

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
faerie75
by Ruby Member on Aug. 6, 2012 at 6:16 PM

 i have the EXACT same situation, lol. watching attentive fathers get the shaft enrages me.

Quoting peanutxc09:

Ok so I am frustrated with some of these responses. I am a step mom. For this whose exs actually want to have their kids around be thankful many men and women just drop their kids after divorce or break ups. My husband has been fighting for 3 years to get his kids more and his ex won't agree. There's no reason for him not to have them more she has taken him back to court 3 times asking to get child support modified and he has asked to see his kids more. If you ask me its obvious what she's wanting $$$$. This has been going on for 3 years I've been there the whole time (I'm not the other women just to clarify, She cheated on my husband when they were together with his best friend at the time, so someone the kids saw as an uncle figure is now their step dad along with his 2 kids so his kids have gone through a lot in this divorce).

To get back to advice on this topic: His kids have gone through this also especially the boy who is now 6. The kids do not know exactly what is going on so they act out in different ways and also regress some. Trust me kids will adjust to it but it takes time. At our house we have stricter rules than at their moms house and she has flat out told us that she doesnt get on this kids for things and that they do what they want, so we get them overnight every other weekend and by the time its time to get picked up they are back to saying thank you and please and not running in the house just for it all to get ruined. It gets better as they get older they adjust to mommy house and daddys house but when its new be prepared for regression to happen and talk to your kid, they are not as naive as people think as long as things are appropriate and on their level they will understand.

 

 
        
         

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