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I miss my real baby, not this brat my ex keeps sending me back!

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So me and my son's father split up a year ago. We finalized the custody.

I have a wonderful 3 year old boy named Logan, and a boyfriend named Nick who is so wonderful with him. We will be together for a year in September.

My problem?

Logan has always been such a sweet boy. Nice and caring. When I tell him not to do something, he obeys, and runs off to play with something else. He has seriously been the BEST behaved 3 year old ever!

However, he is having a hard time adjusting. Whenever my ex brings him to me, I can tell he does not get disciplined there. He comes back and is screaming. Is sucking his fingers (has NEVER done that before) and EVERY time i tell him not to do something he screams "no. no. no."

I hate it. I love my son so much. But this isn't him. I hate to say it but he is acting like a brat. And he is not. He knows better than to act like this. And I just don't know how to handle this at all! I'm so frustrated. This isnt' my sweet baby boy. 

And my ex and I do NOT get along at all. Any advice on the best way to discipline him and handle these mood swings???

by on Aug. 2, 2012 at 1:52 PM
Replies (231-240):
faerie75
by Ruby Member on Aug. 6, 2012 at 6:20 PM

 um, yes hes old enough to figure the truth out on his own but its never ok to bash their other parent, he is half of that guy like it or not, what is wrong with you? havent you ever heard of tkaing the high road? -_-

Quoting bbkimberly:

My son is 15 - after a night or two with his asshole deadbeat father he comes back as a version of him. Smart mouthed, yelling at me and his sister (13), short tempered, demanding, the list goes on. My daughter wants nothing to do with her father because she sees him for who he is, unlike the boy. I flat out tell my son that he is acting like his father and to knock it off. I left his father 3 years ago because of the way he was and I don't need him to pick up where he left off- and I tell him that. I also tell him that I want him to grow up to be the man that he can be, not the asshole his father is. Don't start to bash me for that either. He is old enough to hear the truth and I don't want him to be the self centered, mentally abusive, alcoholic, selfish, prick that his father is. I know you are wondering why I let him go with him? We are still legally married. I don't have money to start divorce proceedings and if I was to the courts would open up the floodgates for visitation. I don't want him anywhere near the girl and even though she is 13 I don't want to risk her being forced to see him. He would force the issue so that he could lower the child support. She's just a dollar sign to him. The boy is the only one he is truly interested in. As long as he sees him he's happy. All he would do if he managed to pick up the girl is dump her off at his sisters which is a scary place to be. He isn't paying the support that is ordered now as it is but he would rack up less if he saw her. All I get is 25% of his unemployment while he works under the table and keeps it all for himself. When my son complains about how things are under my roof I tell him if he doesn't like it he can pack his shit and move in with his dad. He hates it when I say that because he doesn't want to live with him but I don't care. He needs to behave so I don't lose my sanity. I went from 95-97 lbs (I'm fun sized) to 85 lbs from all the stress his father caused. I don't need to go there again.

 

 
        
         

shefve
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 6:47 PM

we are have the problem only in reverse we get visits with my bf kids and when ever they are here they belive they can do whatever they want they tell their dad we are happy you divorced mom we like moms new boyfriend he lets us do anyrhing we want i.e drink coke eat candy shoot guns break bottles and lie but is ok cause we are chrisitans and go to church and god only knows what else so what are we to do?be the mean people they are forced to come stay with and follow rules or do we let them run wild only enforceing the rules for my kids?

new1mama
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 7:17 PM

When i was a kid me and my sister had this problem when we got to see our parents. Its a hard adjustment from one place to another and the thoughts of missing the other parent and wanting them together and not seperate is there. its hard to understand why they are not together. One thing that could be done is sit down with him as soon as he comes back and explain the rules and consequeces. And give the child a warning then for example time out for the age they are. The best thing to me is to just talk to them. yelling will just stress out. I might stern say or yell my daughters name to get her attention if she is screaming but then i talk to her and explain she cant do what she is doing wrong. and then get her to do something else. 

unicorndreams
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 8:46 PM
What words of encouragement and support! Have you ever had to deal with this style of situation? If not, try to put yourself in our shoes! The age is not the factor per se here, it is the lack of parental obligation to correct the child. Not all people get along, thus seperating. Children do suffer but that does not mean the child is horrible. Are yours brats or angels?

Quoting happinessforyou:

Gee- being only 3 and being shuttled every couple of days between homes and people? I think he is reacting to all the stress he is under and all of the changes all of you are putting him through.


OR


He's a horrible brat.... you decide.

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happinessforyou
by on Aug. 7, 2012 at 3:01 PM

What I find unbelievable is that people do not realize the suffering that drives their children to misbehave. Do people really not get that being shuttled around, back and forth, different people, different food, different routines, different rules, different homes is extremely upsetting to children. Hense my <sarcasm>.

Quoting unicorndreams:

What words of encouragement and support! Have you ever had to deal with this style of situation? If not, try to put yourself in our shoes! The age is not the factor per se here, it is the lack of parental obligation to correct the child. Not all people get along, thus seperating. Children do suffer but that does not mean the child is horrible. Are yours brats or angels?

Quoting happinessforyou:

Gee- being only 3 and being shuttled every couple of days between homes and people? I think he is reacting to all the stress he is under and all of the changes all of you are putting him through.


OR


He's a horrible brat.... you decide.


faerie75
by Ruby Member on Aug. 7, 2012 at 6:27 PM
2 moms liked this

 you seriously need therapy.

Quoting bbkimberly:

Don't you dare judge me and tell me to take a high road. Take that "what is wrong with you?", write it on a piece of paper, and cram it. I put up with years of emotional abuse to which I accept responsibility for not leaving sooner. I will continue to bash him when necessary. I am trying to point out to him that he is acting like him. That man is satan's life coach. If he turns out like him he will end up beaten up by someone or behind bars.


Quoting faerie75:

 um, yes hes old enough to figure the truth out on his own but its never ok to bash their other parent, he is half of that guy like it or not, what is wrong with you? havent you ever heard of tkaing the high road? -_-


Quoting bbkimberly:

My son is 15 - after a night or two with his asshole deadbeat father he comes back as a version of him. Smart mouthed, yelling at me and his sister (13), short tempered, demanding, the list goes on. My daughter wants nothing to do with her father because she sees him for who he is, unlike the boy. I flat out tell my son that he is acting like his father and to knock it off. I left his father 3 years ago because of the way he was and I don't need him to pick up where he left off- and I tell him that. I also tell him that I want him to grow up to be the man that he can be, not the asshole his father is. Don't start to bash me for that either. He is old enough to hear the truth and I don't want him to be the self centered, mentally abusive, alcoholic, selfish, prick that his father is. I know you are wondering why I let him go with him? We are still legally married. I don't have money to start divorce proceedings and if I was to the courts would open up the floodgates for visitation. I don't want him anywhere near the girl and even though she is 13 I don't want to risk her being forced to see him. He would force the issue so that he could lower the child support. She's just a dollar sign to him. The boy is the only one he is truly interested in. As long as he sees him he's happy. All he would do if he managed to pick up the girl is dump her off at his sisters which is a scary place to be. He isn't paying the support that is ordered now as it is but he would rack up less if he saw her. All I get is 25% of his unemployment while he works under the table and keeps it all for himself. When my son complains about how things are under my roof I tell him if he doesn't like it he can pack his shit and move in with his dad. He hates it when I say that because he doesn't want to live with him but I don't care. He needs to behave so I don't lose my sanity. I went from 95-97 lbs (I'm fun sized) to 85 lbs from all the stress his father caused. I don't need to go there again.

 


 

 
        
         

Smartsicles
by on Aug. 7, 2012 at 8:08 PM

Holy shit, these last few pages... SMH.

Cocopuff2011
by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 9:42 AM
I can relate im def interested in reponses from this post I have a 6 year old who uses her manners well at home then she goes to dads house &.comes back this spoiled little brat talking back to me & im to the point where I dont even wanna send her over to his house he has such bad judgement & I dont know what to do. He lives with his girlfriend who has 5 kids by the way who watch themselves im just very frustrated @ this point.
patticoss
by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 4:57 PM

I hate to say it but part of it is he is 3. My daughter had a hard time being 3 and it is part of seeing how far they can push. He also is going through a lot with being 3 and his parents divorcing, that is alot for a child that young.

Gmm73
by on Aug. 9, 2012 at 7:03 AM
1 mom liked this
Quoting tabloss:

Just want to let you know that I have a 9 yr old and a 13 yr old and when they go with their dad it is a freakin free for all with his gfs kids too.  Now I used to be her best friend until all of this went down and I have talked with the both of them about the behavior issues to no avail.   It takes me at least 2 days to "get my children back" after they come home, so I too will be looking at the posts on here



Lol I call it 'detox' :)
My ds was 7, nearly 8 when I had to kick her dad out.
He did the typical...spend money to spoil her - bought her a chandelier and a tv for her 'new room' at his parent's house - the chandelier was something, that, even if we could afford it, was frivolous, & the tv is something I simply (well, we, before) am staunch against. She can watch tv in lounge. Not in her bedroom unsupervised, & I don't like electronics in her bedroom.
Well, a year later, she's coping with the adjusting (4 days per fortnight - I'm in Australia, this basically keeps me primary carer...not that I expect nor will get money from him for her in a support sense...but that sort of stuff is starting to become easier to talk to him about...no 'walk in the park' yet, but 100% better than before.
He's actually called a truce on 'spending to spoil' and for the most part remaining somewhat united regarding her. It's been hard work though - getting her through it...unsure if I'll get a tantrum or not each day, seeing MUCH less now....just preteen attitude :'(
Nothing good old fashioned discipline in the form of boundaries and understanding consequences to actions (something I'm not having too much fun with ATM, but that's normal stuff)....but if I can offer one suggestion - only time and your situation will tell what your ex is or isn't going to do/listen to, etc., but you can't wait for him to figure it out. Remain firm and loving - spoil your precious boy with love - something I always tell my ds, and keep on at what 'your' routine with him has been. Nothing should really change while he's with you.
Also, be the responsible one when it comes to the help your getting (including the looking for other help...) - again, your boy can't wait for his father to sort himself out....that's why my dd has never been to the dentist with my ex, only me. Same with the GP. I'd rather go get her from his place and take her than put her medical needs second, like my ex has. Ppl say I'm letting him use me. I don't care!! My child needs me I'm always there. No matter who she's with. And she knows that.

The return on the amount of time I put into making sure she was ok...listening to her...to this day (well, for now lol) she confides in me in her most private thoughts..that communication channel I felt was essential for me to be the best mother I could be & can be for her, during a really crappy time in her life. She will be fine. They do adjust.

As for daycare - he will be fine! They have the benefit of knowing about his speech and can help. You'll find he will build strong friendships, whether it be with the children, or maybe the staff at first...this will be key for your son to have another stable place. You'll feel guilty - we all do. But as I had to think of it when I had to put my dd in before and after school care, but you have to put food on the table & pay bills, so no choice there...
Good luck OP. You both will pull through this - just stay focussed on looking after him and loving him - gosh, I'm remembering the meltdowns my dd used to have - the only way was to grab her & cuddle her until she stopped...the bruises I got!
The security of mummy's cuddle always calmed her down.
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