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Am I teaching my dd to hate men?

Posted by on Aug. 7, 2012 at 11:50 PM
  • 61 Replies

 My dd's dad and I were never married. She saw him from the time she was 1 until last year, when she was 12, but he was not a great role model as a father or as a decent, kind man. I have not had a relationship with any other men since my dd's dad ( and that doesn't really count as a relationship,lol). So I worry that all of this will teach her not to trust men. I want her to grow up and meet a wonderful man and get married, even though I never did. I want her to find love. Is she destined to repeat my mistakes? I have heard that girls are more likely to marry someone that is like their dad. That's the last thing I want for her. How do I prevent that from happening? She goes to church and I try to surround her with people, men and women with the values I believe in, but is it enough?

by on Aug. 7, 2012 at 11:50 PM
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Replies (1-10):
letbeautyunfold
by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 1:44 AM
17 moms liked this
I think that all we can do as parents is build a strong foundation and hope our children use these tools to make their own decisions later in life. It sounds like you're doing a great job though. Try not to be so hard on yourself (:
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StephMarie_Mom
by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 1:58 AM
1 mom liked this
It is our job to do the best we can with the tools given, married or not. All we can do as parents is raise 'em up and send 'em out! Once they're fully functioning adults, the choices are theirs. Sometimes those choices are based on what they were exposed to as children. And other times, it's just the nature of the individual. You're doing fine. Don't fret so much
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Sidrosmomma
by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 7:41 AM
2 moms liked this

Girls will be more likely to marry guys like their fathers if their father is a part of their life.  Or if they have an issue with the dad not being in their life.  Taking her to church and helping her to develop as a person is very important.  I think you're doing fine.  I'm sure she sees you as a strong women who could have a man in her life but chooses not to.  And when she grows up hopefully she'll be the same way strong and have the choice of who she want in her life.  Just don't do any male bashing or put men down.

steviechick
by Gold Member on Aug. 8, 2012 at 10:38 AM

Here's my issue with my ex - he was a husband and tried to be a good father up until about four years ago when he started to have an affair with a co-worker.  My DD and I found out that he had fathered not one but two kids with this co-worker.  He kept this a secret for three years.  During this time and prior to this time my ex had severe financial problems.  Not only I but our DD had to endure the hardships of what my ex and her father did to us financially.  I spent many years prior to the birth of my DD trying to work with my ex's many financial problems.  It was my problem as well as his.  I know I can't beat myself up for his problems in life but I did have a choice to either stay with or leave my ex.  I chose to stay with him because quite simply I loved him and I thought eventually he would get better with money in general.  FF to today and I am divorced from him and my DD and I are still dealing with his financial problems.  It's been hard on my DD to deal with the fact that her own father did this to us.  That he lead a separate life and continued to deceive us both.  He's always tried to be a good father to our DD.  Take away the financial problems and he could be a decent father to our DD.  I try not to talk negative about my ex in front of my DD.  But, he's dragged us through the court system because he can't and will never get his financial life in order.  My real father had money problems, too.  He never was a good provider.  His problem was that he didn't have drive in life.  He never had the severe problems of bankruptcies and write bad checks like my ex.  I fell in love with my ex because of his charm and charisma.  I didn't know he had severe money problems until years down the line.  I didn't know he had severe sexual problems until years down the line.  I would hope and pray that I have been strong enough, decent and tried to make MY life choices for my DD to experience and that she knows the problems were with her father and that he knew right from wrong.  I also hope and pray that my DD does pick out a good man - a solid man - when she continues to grow.  She's 18 and on her own.  She'll make plenty of mistakes in life - but those are mistakes that she knows she CAN make and not made on a basis of selfishness and irresponsibility.  She's had 15 years of knowing what a good life can be.   Her father has proven to her over the last three years how easily one can truly screw up their life by making bad life choices.

JJSMOMMYxox
by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 11:21 AM
4 moms liked this

My DF is NOTHING like my dad...
My dad is cold hearted, evil, and a sexist asshole, and that's putting it nicely.
My mom would bounce man to man and always put her bfs before me...
I came out okay, perfectly in love, and with a healthy relationship.

prettygirl326
by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 11:23 AM

 not really, if anything, her father will teach her more about that than you. me personally, my mom was always a single mom. and i am married now. i had to learn about things on my own.....

AnotherPutra
by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 11:39 AM
1 mom liked this

Surrounded by the church is a great idea. Do you have a brother or does she have a nice grandfather? Any positive male role model can step in. If you have a brother or your dad could take her out on a fishing trip or camping once in a while to do the father-daughter bonding type thing. 

Chemikall
by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 11:51 AM

this

Quoting letbeautyunfold:

I think that all we can do as parents is build a strong foundation and hope our children use these tools to make their own decisions later in life. It sounds like you're doing a great job though. Try not to be so hard on yourself (:


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easinpc
by Gold Member on Aug. 8, 2012 at 11:53 AM

I agree with this mom.  All you can do is build a solid foundation with her and help provide her guidance as she needs/requests it.  Hugs!

Quoting letbeautyunfold:

I think that all we can do as parents is build a strong foundation and hope our children use these tools to make their own decisions later in life. It sounds like you're doing a great job though. Try not to be so hard on yourself (:


dtristan78
by on Aug. 8, 2012 at 11:57 AM

I grew up with a single mother, she never had any relationships and I never had a role model.  My mom was more concerned with being my friend, than being a parent.  We have a great relationship now, but I had to learn A LOT on my own.

I would suggest you have an open, meaningful talk with her and often.  Speak open and honest with her about her father, and about your relationship.  Why did he leave, what is he like and why she doesn't want to go through that?

Good Luck

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