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Single Moms Single Moms

I'm feeling overwhelmed with the discrimination...

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I guess I just need to vent a little, find a shoulder to cry on where I'll be understood.

Lately it seems like everywhere I turn, I mean EVERYWHERE, I'm faced with some stereotyping about single moms.

I feel so discouraged.

So many people seem to think that I must have been irresponsible, or slutty or stupid or selfish, or a horrible wife.

I've even heard someone say single mothers shouldn't expect some man to pick up the pieces of her bad choices. It makes me feel ashamed that I even want to remarry.

Why do they automatically assume we all made some terrible choices?

And even if some of us did, are we not allowed to make mistakes?

This all leads to the rampant blaming of the woman, and sympathizing with the man. Not all men are bad and not all women are good, but it WAS that way in my situation, yet people, especially men are very wary of me. They think I'm trashy and ignorant.

Every guy I date or almost date thinks they can just use me because I'm desperate. I'm not desperate at all, but I'm starting to feel shame and humiliation right off the bat with a guy, because I'm scared that's what he's thinking.

I feel like I'm walking around with a sign on my forehead that says something opposite of what I really am inside.

Sometimes I feel anger for my ex, not just for all the cruel things he did to me intentionally, but the fact that he is off having the time of his life, leaving me with all the responsibilities, and yet *I'M* seen as irresponsible. It's so ironic.

This obviously isn't everyone's experience and I know the way to overcome it is to be positive, happy, successful, proud and most of all just be the person I know I am, with or without a husband and fancy house.

Until I conquer this, I just needed to share these feelings while I'm feeling them.










I am Kaela, a proud 24 year old atheist, pro-choice, single Mama to full-term breastfed, co-sleeping, freebirthed, intact, lucky little Wolfgang!

by on Aug. 22, 2012 at 6:28 AM
Replies (111-120):
moosesmom
by Silver Member on Aug. 23, 2012 at 10:35 PM
2 moms liked this

I think you're missing the point. Like another mom said you'll NEVER be able to fully understand or relate to that FEELING of being an unwed, single mother. You see, you KNOW that there's a man waiting for you, you KNOW that you're not in this alone. OP on the other hand KNOWS that she's flying solo when it comes to raising her child. That fact alone means that the two of you feel something entirely different. Speaking on just APPEARANCE, only what the eyes see, you are a "single woman". But you're not one. So is it fair for you to speak on a subject you really know nothing about?

Should OP focus more on herself rather than what others think? Sure. But that's easier said than done. Especially when we live in a society that is so quick to pass judgment. She made it very clear in her post that she knows what needs to be done in this situation. She has to remain positive and keep moving forward. So you're telling her something she is already aware of. I don't think she was looking for your advice, or words of wisdom. She sounds like a young, single mother, who just wanted to vent. Know what I mean? :-) 

Quoting Liyoness:

Yes, I was alone for most of my pregnancies, thus, out in public as a "single woman" - no man beside me to prove that I'm married.

No, I have never had that happen, although, like I said, 99% of the time that I am out in public, I am out as a "single woman". How would people know whether I'm married or single based soley on my being alone with my kids?

I think perhaps that you're quicker to jump to defense over such things because you are single and reading things that are not there. Unless they ask you, "would you like to wait a few moments for your husband to arrive?" you can't possibly know that this is the reason for the wait. And if they say that, you don't have to tell them you're single if you feel you're going to get judged for it (which I highly doubt you are when at restaurants or wandering through Walmart), you can simply reply, "he won't be joining us today, thanks."

Quoting sweetsorrow2:

I'm sorry but you CANNOT relate to her. Have you ever been pregnant and single???? Have you ever taken your kids out to a nice restaurant only to have them ignore your for minutes on end not only at the front but at your table because they are waiting for "your husband" to show??? Im sorry but the looks you get while pregnant are nothing compared to just being alone. You have no idea, I think even single moms have a hard time relating to how it feels to being single and pregnant. So please back off, you're showing your ignorance.


Quoting Liyoness:

What do you mean you get "looks" when out in public? How would anyone know you're single? My DH works away from home and we are rarely seen in public together! (In fact, my coworkers just met him recently after me working for the company for five years!) No one ever gives me "looks", although I'm sure at stores I'm a "regular" at, some must assume it.

I think sometimes people (such as yourself) read too much into things.


Quoting Singlemominit:

I totally know how you feel girly. My little one hasnt gotten here yet but everywhere I go...always with the looks.





LifeCafe42
by Nora on Aug. 23, 2012 at 11:48 PM
1 mom liked this
I'm a proud single mom I work hard and do everything I can for my son. If anyone has a problem with that that is their problem
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
aasmith88
by on Aug. 23, 2012 at 11:54 PM
I'm not a single mom... However, i guess my suggestions would be similar to the others; relocate, maybe it's the area you're currently at?, if you are looking for men to date..don't, if a man truly wants you he will prove it and do what it takes, stay strong and don't let your pride down. It's unfortunate some single mothers give all single mothers a bad rep by sleazing around. Not all single moms are even close to that. And even if a single mom behaved badly in the past if she's doing her best now for her children then let her be. It's a shame that no one stands by you and praises you for your hard work.
So u will, you are doing great! Keep staying strong and be there for your child. Engage yourself with people that respect you.
Liyoness
by on Aug. 23, 2012 at 11:57 PM

I got the "point" just fine - these women feel judged by strangers in public everywhere they go.

What one "knows" means absolutely nothing to the eyes of the public. Wouldn't it stand to reason that on appearance alone I should also receiving all of this negative attention and judgment which is apparently everywhere? (The people you quoted me responding to are not the OP, BTW.)

Like I've already said - of course it happens that there are rude, obnoxious people in the world who seek to publicly degrade others, but I do not for a moment believe that it happens everywhere a single mother goes. Recognizing that those feelings of being judged are simply insecurity and vulnerability will speed up the process of thinking positively. Understanding that a person cannot tell your marital status just by looking at you is important.

(Out of curiosity, where did this assumption that I wouldn't know what it's like to be a single mother come from?)

Quoting moosesmom:

I think you're missing the point. Like another mom said you'll NEVER be able to fully understand or relate to that FEELING of being an unwed, single mother. You see, you KNOW that there's a man waiting for you, you KNOW that you're not in this alone. OP on the other hand KNOWS that she's flying solo when it comes to raising her child. That fact alone means that the two of you feel something entirely different. Speaking on just APPEARANCE, only what the eyes see, you are a "single woman". But you're not one. So is it fair for you to speak on a subject you really know nothing about?

Should OP focus more on herself rather than what others think? Sure. But that's easier said than done. Especially when we live in a society that is so quick to pass judgment. She made it very clear in her post that she knows what needs to be done in this situation. She has to remain positive and keep moving forward. So you're telling her something she is already aware of. I don't think she was looking for your advice, or words of wisdom. She sounds like a young, single mother, who just wanted to vent. Know what I mean? :-) 

Quoting Liyoness:

Yes, I was alone for most of my pregnancies, thus, out in public as a "single woman" - no man beside me to prove that I'm married.

No, I have never had that happen, although, like I said, 99% of the time that I am out in public, I am out as a "single woman". How would people know whether I'm married or single based soley on my being alone with my kids?

I think perhaps that you're quicker to jump to defense over such things because you are single and reading things that are not there. Unless they ask you, "would you like to wait a few moments for your husband to arrive?" you can't possibly know that this is the reason for the wait. And if they say that, you don't have to tell them you're single if you feel you're going to get judged for it (which I highly doubt you are when at restaurants or wandering through Walmart), you can simply reply, "he won't be joining us today, thanks."

Quoting sweetsorrow2:

I'm sorry but you CANNOT relate to her. Have you ever been pregnant and single???? Have you ever taken your kids out to a nice restaurant only to have them ignore your for minutes on end not only at the front but at your table because they are waiting for "your husband" to show??? Im sorry but the looks you get while pregnant are nothing compared to just being alone. You have no idea, I think even single moms have a hard time relating to how it feels to being single and pregnant. So please back off, you're showing your ignorance.


Quoting Liyoness:

What do you mean you get "looks" when out in public? How would anyone know you're single? My DH works away from home and we are rarely seen in public together! (In fact, my coworkers just met him recently after me working for the company for five years!) No one ever gives me "looks", although I'm sure at stores I'm a "regular" at, some must assume it.

I think sometimes people (such as yourself) read too much into things.


Quoting Singlemominit:

I totally know how you feel girly. My little one hasnt gotten here yet but everywhere I go...always with the looks.






Megzboys
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 12:25 AM

 I am so sorry that you are going through this and that stereotypes stick around for ages.   I am sure that you are a hard working and very loving mommy to your little baby and there are men out there that do not have these issues about single mom's.     My cousin is in a very good relationship with a single mom who has an almost 2 year old daughter and he adores them both and reads to the little girl at night and loves her mommy.  

      It isn't like this is the life you purposely set out to live and to raise your baby in?   There is a single mom's group here on Cafemom that you can join and find other mom's in your position and maybe even local for you to meet with.   Good luck sweetie!                                      

                                                                                               Meg

reynab27
by Member on Aug. 24, 2012 at 12:35 AM
I totally get you...and it hurts badly I wish I could find someone whod want me for me instead all I get is married men who want a side thing or etc....I'm lonely not desperate ugh
sucker4myloves
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 12:54 AM

Sorry mama. I used to be a single mom, and I felt ALL of those things. So I know where you are coming from. But, I've found a wonderful husband who became a father to my son. And just so you know, you are right: I didn't find him until I embraced who I was as a single mom and made MYSELF happy. So you will find what makes you happy in this world, and in the meantime, I hope you learn to ignore those ignorant bags of fuck. *hugs*

MAINSTREAM MOMS Wanna escape the crunch? Join us!

REDNECK MOMMIES Join to commune with your fellow country mamas!


Tay06
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 1:16 AM
1 mom liked this

I completely understand.  I did not choose for my son to be conceived.  That was his father's choice if you know what I mean.  I chose to keep him because I couldn't let go of the "what ifs".  So, I didn't abort him and now I'm stuck with the responsibilities, and the stares because I'm 21 and I look 16, and the accusations.  I have a full-time job, I take 15 credit hours (5 classes) in college each semester, have maintained a 4.0 GPA and am a senior in college this semester and yet how many times have I been called "uneducated" or "ignorant" or told that I'm "too young" to be a mother?  I'm an amazing mother.  My son couldn't be happier or healthier, and we have a great relationship.  Yes, I occasionally get angry because his father is off having the time of his life while I'm stuck taking care of what he started, but my son will never know that I feel this way.  As far as he knows, Mommy was surprised with an unexpected gift and it changed her life forever.

jewel80
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 1:30 AM
Guys have a very convincing way of hiding how crappy they are! How dare you blame the women for "picking that kind of Guy" you make it sound like the Guy does nothing wrong and its our fault some men pretend to care and don't show their true colors until its too late! Haven't you even heard of men who have a whole secret family and their wives don't know for years some people really know how to lie and cover their. Tracks! And people are allowed to make mistakes its the people who hurt people on purpose that are the problem! Also being a single mom is not easy none of us need people saying stuff about us choosing the wrong men what about the mans responsibility in the situation how come if we are lied to and screwed over by someone its our fault for choosing them? How is it our fault for wanting to see the best in someone and believing them?


Quoting Liyoness:

Playing Devil's Advocate:

If you're continuing to choose these kinds of guys, doesn't that kind of give the impression that you do make bad choices?

Why keep repeating the same mistake over and over again? Choose a different type of guy!


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
sakpoints
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 1:32 AM

I am married, but I have alot of respect for single moms.  Many of these women made a sacrifice for the benefit of herself or her children.  I am sad when I see people stay in poisonous relationships because they are to scared to try on their own, or they need 'his' money.  There are plenty of you out there showing it can be done so hold your head up high and ignore the haters, rude and ignorant people out there!

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