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I'm feeling overwhelmed with the discrimination...

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I guess I just need to vent a little, find a shoulder to cry on where I'll be understood.

Lately it seems like everywhere I turn, I mean EVERYWHERE, I'm faced with some stereotyping about single moms.

I feel so discouraged.

So many people seem to think that I must have been irresponsible, or slutty or stupid or selfish, or a horrible wife.

I've even heard someone say single mothers shouldn't expect some man to pick up the pieces of her bad choices. It makes me feel ashamed that I even want to remarry.

Why do they automatically assume we all made some terrible choices?

And even if some of us did, are we not allowed to make mistakes?

This all leads to the rampant blaming of the woman, and sympathizing with the man. Not all men are bad and not all women are good, but it WAS that way in my situation, yet people, especially men are very wary of me. They think I'm trashy and ignorant.

Every guy I date or almost date thinks they can just use me because I'm desperate. I'm not desperate at all, but I'm starting to feel shame and humiliation right off the bat with a guy, because I'm scared that's what he's thinking.

I feel like I'm walking around with a sign on my forehead that says something opposite of what I really am inside.

Sometimes I feel anger for my ex, not just for all the cruel things he did to me intentionally, but the fact that he is off having the time of his life, leaving me with all the responsibilities, and yet *I'M* seen as irresponsible. It's so ironic.

This obviously isn't everyone's experience and I know the way to overcome it is to be positive, happy, successful, proud and most of all just be the person I know I am, with or without a husband and fancy house.

Until I conquer this, I just needed to share these feelings while I'm feeling them.










I am Kaela, a proud 24 year old atheist, pro-choice, single Mama to full-term breastfed, co-sleeping, freebirthed, intact, lucky little Wolfgang!

by on Aug. 22, 2012 at 6:28 AM
Replies (121-130):
3kidz123
by Member on Aug. 24, 2012 at 1:35 AM

I was a single mom for a little bit. I got judged only at church, lol! The rest of my friends, family, and community where supportive and helpful...but at the church I went to I would get stares and rude comments. Of course I don't attend that church anymore!!!

Good Luck !

sakpoints
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 1:42 AM


Quoting moosesmom:

I think you're missing the point. Like another mom said you'll NEVER be able to fully understand or relate to that FEELING of being an unwed, single mother. You see, you KNOW that there's a man waiting for you, you KNOW that you're not in this alone. OP on the other hand KNOWS that she's flying solo when it comes to raising her child. That fact alone means that the two of you feel something entirely different. Speaking on just APPEARANCE, only what the eyes see, you are a "single woman". But you're not one. So is it fair for you to speak on a subject you really know nothing about?

Should OP focus more on herself rather than what others think? Sure. But that's easier said than done. Especially when we live in a society that is so quick to pass judgment. She made it very clear in her post that she knows what needs to be done in this situation. She has to remain positive and keep moving forward. So you're telling her something she is already aware of. I don't think she was looking for your advice, or words of wisdom. She sounds like a young, single mother, who just wanted to vent. Know what I mean? :-) 

Quoting Liyoness:

Yes, I was alone for most of my pregnancies, thus, out in public as a "single woman" - no man beside me to prove that I'm married.

No, I have never had that happen, although, like I said, 99% of the time that I am out in public, I am out as a "single woman". How would people know whether I'm married or single based soley on my being alone with my kids?

I think perhaps that you're quicker to jump to defense over such things because you are single and reading things that are not there. Unless they ask you, "would you like to wait a few moments for your husband to arrive?" you can't possibly know that this is the reason for the wait. And if they say that, you don't have to tell them you're single if you feel you're going to get judged for it (which I highly doubt you are when at restaurants or wandering through Walmart), you can simply reply, "he won't be joining us today, thanks."

Quoting sweetsorrow2:

I'm sorry but you CANNOT relate to her. Have you ever been pregnant and single???? Have you ever taken your kids out to a nice restaurant only to have them ignore your for minutes on end not only at the front but at your table because they are waiting for "your husband" to show??? Im sorry but the looks you get while pregnant are nothing compared to just being alone. You have no idea, I think even single moms have a hard time relating to how it feels to being single and pregnant. So please back off, you're showing your ignorance.


Quoting Liyoness:

What do you mean you get "looks" when out in public? How would anyone know you're single? My DH works away from home and we are rarely seen in public together! (In fact, my coworkers just met him recently after me working for the company for five years!) No one ever gives me "looks", although I'm sure at stores I'm a "regular" at, some must assume it.

I think sometimes people (such as yourself) read too much into things.


Quoting Singlemominit:

I totally know how you feel girly. My little one hasnt gotten here yet but everywhere I go...always with the looks.

 


 


To Liyoness- I think you underestimate how often people look for a wedding ring.  I personally never notice but I have many coworkers that seem to pay attention to this as they will mention when telling stories. 

Layce8504
by New Member on Aug. 24, 2012 at 1:45 AM


Quoting GLO682:

I am a single mom and i say that without an ounce of shame. I work hard, i take care of my children, i hold my own and i look good doing it. i am very confident and regardless of anyones opinions on single motherhood, in reality it doesnt concern them.

I find that a lot of men have respect for what i do, i dont settle for just anyones bullsh*t and i walk with my head high. its perfectly natural to sometimes feel defeated and tired and all, but at the end of the day you are doing what you have to do to take care of your child.


randomosityblog
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 8:11 AM
1 mom liked this

You're young. Focus on being a mom now, and dating later. :)

terbear328
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 8:32 AM

 I agree completely. Just be the best mother you can be. I too hear negative things but I keep going. why? Because my life speak for itself! I get several compliments on how well mannered my children are. And how I am as a person. You need to do the same and stop worrying about the ignorance in people!!

Quoting GLO682:

I am a single mom and i say that without an ounce of shame. I work hard, i take care of my children, i hold my own and i look good doing it. i am very confident and regardless of anyones opinions on single motherhood, in reality it doesnt concern them.

I find that a lot of men have respect for what i do, i dont settle for just anyones bullsh*t and i walk with my head high. its perfectly natural to sometimes feel defeated and tired and all, but at the end of the day you are doing what you have to do to take care of your child.

 

Mahagony Diva

LdyR
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 8:38 AM
As a single mother and being a minority I feel ppl automatically think I'm a single mom an I'm on welfare and in reality I am not eligible for any welfare cuz I make to much money which doesn't even seem like I do cuz I'm always broke but all single mom's r strong n can handle it cuz if we couldn't we wld not be put in that situation by god he know we are strong women so next time u feel tht ppl r discriminating u just tell ur self u r a strong single mother n u can handle this. So screw all ur haters cuz there r plenty
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phil432
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 9:18 AM
I am going through the same experience for 3 years now. It has affected my social life that I don't Facebook anymore, have very few friends of my kind ( single mom), recently I decided to go back to college. For sure that will keep my thought busy.
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Liyoness
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 11:32 AM
1 mom liked this

I had a much softer reply on the go, but unfortunately my new puppy came over and knocked me around which caused me to lose it. *Sigh* I'm sorry that I'm going to do this in point form instead because it's going to lose some of the value that I felt it had before. I hope that you're able to see past my short responses and read the deeper sympathy, because I do sympathize.

I never said the guy does nothing wrong. I will call a guy on his behaviour given the chance, but I don't know of any men here.

I wish I had a way of saying this that isn't going to make everyone automatically scream "bitch!", but sadly I don't - it is because you want to see the best in everyone that they take advantage of you. It's what makes them think you're desperate. It doesn't make it okay for them to be like this, but it is what it is. You don't owe it to anyone, man or woman, to assume the best in them. You owe it to yourself to be cautious. You do not deserve to get hurt by people! You are worthy of respect, appreciation and honesty. No one has the right to manipulate you, so do not allow them to by seeing only the best in them. If it means waiting 3 months to sleep with someone, then so be it. If it means you ask for proof of what they're telling you, that is your right to demand.

Be discriminatory! Dude says that all of his exes are crazy bitches? Dude has a problem! Why would all of his exes go crazy if he wasn't contributing to it? On the same note- make your life private. Don't give out all the details of your past immediately. Certain things (like if you were abused by an ex) should be privy information. If a guy knows that you've been hurt badly before, used and taken advantage of, it's going to affect how he sees you. If he's the type to do those things, he's going to know that you're an easy target.

Be proud! Be confident! Be you! You have a lot to offer the world - not just a man. Don't let people take advantage of your good heart and beautiful spirit. It's a good thing to want to see the best in people, it says a lot about how sweet you are. But don't do it to the point where you're blinded and hurt by others. See the best in them, but also be on the lookout for the worst. Don't be afraid that people won't like you if you're wary - some won't, but those are the people who would have hurt you anyway.

Quoting jewel80:

Guys have a very convincing way of hiding how crappy they are! How dare you blame the women for "picking that kind of Guy" you make it sound like the Guy does nothing wrong and its our fault some men pretend to care and don't show their true colors until its too late! Haven't you even heard of men who have a whole secret family and their wives don't know for years some people really know how to lie and cover their. Tracks! And people are allowed to make mistakes its the people who hurt people on purpose that are the problem! Also being a single mom is not easy none of us need people saying stuff about us choosing the wrong men what about the mans responsibility in the situation how come if we are lied to and screwed over by someone its our fault for choosing them? How is it our fault for wanting to see the best in someone and believing them?


Quoting Liyoness:

Playing Devil's Advocate:

If you're continuing to choose these kinds of guys, doesn't that kind of give the impression that you do make bad choices?

Why keep repeating the same mistake over and over again? Choose a different type of guy!



allwritenow
by Member on Aug. 24, 2012 at 12:36 PM
1 mom liked this

It sounds to me like you need some time by yourself without even thinking about dating. If you are so easily swayed by the opinions of others, you haven't been in your single mama role long enough to figure out who you are. You need to be comfortable with yourself and confident in who YOU ARE before you start dating again. NO ONE should cut you down and make you feel like that. When you are confident in yourself, you will be strong enough to resist the feelings of shame and embarressment.

Singlemominit
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 1:23 PM
I don't know you, but I love you for standing up for the single ladies!

Quoting justone_jen:

I'm not a single mother. I don't disagree that mothers should be happy with themselves, but the negativity is there, whether you want to see it or not. I don't feel the negativity towards me, but I'm not blind to the negativity toward single mothers, typically moreso to young, single mothers. You keep saying these are misinterpretations, and I'm saying that most of the time, they probably aren't. I say that as a secure person looking in from the outside. I say that as someone who has admitted to looking at a woman's ring finger, myself. While my actions are out of curiosity, you're living a sheltered life if you think people aren't obvious with their disapproval, too.



And no, I'm not jumping to the wrong conclusion. You've knocked the OP for her "choice" in men, all while making it known how secure and happy you are with yourself. Maybe my assumption derives from your delivery, and maybe you are well intended, but your responses come off as snarky and arrogant.




Quoting Liyoness:

People who are insecure will often misinterpret things as negative. You have jumped to the wrong conclusion about me, and I'm sure this is something you frequently do because of your own issues.


The world isn't against you and they don't think less of you for being a single mother. Push your shoulders back, hold your head high and focus on your kid(s). I guarantee you will a) notice others far less b) interpret looks more positively when you do, c) FEEL more confident and at peace in your life.






Quoting justone_jen:

Oh please, you've been condescending from the start. You don't have time, yet you've picked apart the OP for her "choice" in men. Ironic.







It doesn't take a whole lot of effort to read a person's demeanor. It's almost subconscious. It's instinctual; it's science. How one processes those assumptions, or how they react, is individual, but we all read each other constantly, mostly for protection.







Whether you want to believe it or not, it happens. I'm not saying you should give a shit what people think, or put too much thought into it, but to pretend we all incorrectly assume things communicated through body language is ignorant.








Quoting Liyoness:

I am on a high horse because I am suggesting that people stop looking for insult?




No, it's my children and my shopping/activity which are distracting. I don't have time or interest to pick apart others or analyze how they are judging me.




I'm sure those looks happen, but not nearly as frequently as people interpret.




It isn't being observant that causes one to notice these constant glares. Life is a lot happier when you are not wandering around insecure reading into glances from others. Far fewer people care about your marital status than you believe. And, as I have proven, one cannot determine marital status just by looking at a person.










Quoting justone_jen:

All I was responding to was your apprehension about this being a reality. It happens. That's great for you that you are oblivious. I'm sure the view up there on your horse is distracting.











People are readable. Sure, it's an assumption that the person glaring from your belly to your ring finger and then giving a dirty look is thinking badly of you, but it's likely a pretty solid assumption. Some of us are very in tune with physical communication. Yes, there are times when one makes an incorrect assumption, and I'm not arguing that. It's a survival instinct, and usually not even intentional.












Quoting Liyoness:

No, never. Why would I notice such a thing, or care to look for it? And why would I jump to conclusions about what people are thinking about me? If they want to assume it means I'm single, then they are free to do so. I don't see why such an assumption should affect my self worth.

(And I'm guilty of not wearing a wedding ring myself due the work that I do..)

People need to spend more time focusing on themselves when out in public instead of looking for looks or branding  that may or may not be there or mean what they think they mean.







Quoting justone_jen:

Really? You've never noticed while pregnant that people look at your belly and then immediately at your ring finger? I'm guilty of it myself, if I'm to be completely honest. I don't judge anyone who doesn't have a ring on, but I'm just curious, I guess.







Quoting Liyoness:







What do you mean you get "looks" when out in public? How would anyone know you're single? My DH works away from home and we are rarely seen in public together! (In fact, my coworkers just met him recently after me working for the company for five years!) No one ever gives me "looks", although I'm sure at stores I'm a "regular" at, some must assume it.







I think sometimes people (such as yourself) read too much into things.







Quoting Singlemominit:







I totally know how you feel girly. My little one hasnt gotten here yet but everywhere I go...always with the looks. I had one man ask me which path to hell Ive chosen! And in my situation...the dad walked off. Turns out (I found out he has a son and I tracked down the mom) hes all sorts of crazy. Yet...Im the one that gets the looks. His grandmother literally thinks he is a saint and blames it on us, the mothers. I had a user on here see my name and saw that I was pregnant and she goes wait...youre single AND pregnant? yes I am, so fucking what? its 2012 PEOPLE!!














I had a family friend laugh when I told him my situation and said 'good luck ever finding a man that wants you now. I know if I was single, I wouldnt even look at you because you have another mans child and he didnt stick around'







people. fucking. suck.














 




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