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I'm feeling overwhelmed with the discrimination...

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I guess I just need to vent a little, find a shoulder to cry on where I'll be understood.

Lately it seems like everywhere I turn, I mean EVERYWHERE, I'm faced with some stereotyping about single moms.

I feel so discouraged.

So many people seem to think that I must have been irresponsible, or slutty or stupid or selfish, or a horrible wife.

I've even heard someone say single mothers shouldn't expect some man to pick up the pieces of her bad choices. It makes me feel ashamed that I even want to remarry.

Why do they automatically assume we all made some terrible choices?

And even if some of us did, are we not allowed to make mistakes?

This all leads to the rampant blaming of the woman, and sympathizing with the man. Not all men are bad and not all women are good, but it WAS that way in my situation, yet people, especially men are very wary of me. They think I'm trashy and ignorant.

Every guy I date or almost date thinks they can just use me because I'm desperate. I'm not desperate at all, but I'm starting to feel shame and humiliation right off the bat with a guy, because I'm scared that's what he's thinking.

I feel like I'm walking around with a sign on my forehead that says something opposite of what I really am inside.

Sometimes I feel anger for my ex, not just for all the cruel things he did to me intentionally, but the fact that he is off having the time of his life, leaving me with all the responsibilities, and yet *I'M* seen as irresponsible. It's so ironic.

This obviously isn't everyone's experience and I know the way to overcome it is to be positive, happy, successful, proud and most of all just be the person I know I am, with or without a husband and fancy house.

Until I conquer this, I just needed to share these feelings while I'm feeling them.










I am Kaela, a proud 24 year old atheist, pro-choice, single Mama to full-term breastfed, co-sleeping, freebirthed, intact, lucky little Wolfgang!

by on Aug. 22, 2012 at 6:28 AM
Replies (131-140):
Singlemominit
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 1:28 PM
You need to just leave this fucking thread already. Nothing you say is helpful to anyone, but instead, just feels like you're insulting us whether you're meaning to or not. You're wasting your breath, or energy typing in this case.

Quoting Liyoness:

I had a much softer reply on the go, but unfortunately my new puppy came over and knocked me around which caused me to lose it. *Sigh* I'm sorry that I'm going to do this in point form instead because it's going to lose some of the value that I felt it had before. I hope that you're able to see past my short responses and read the deeper sympathy, because I do sympathize.

I never said the guy does nothing wrong. I will call a guy on his behaviour given the chance, but I don't know of any men here.

I wish I had a way of saying this that isn't going to make everyone automatically scream "bitch!", but sadly I don't - it is because you want to see the best in everyone that they take advantage of you. It's what makes them think you're desperate. It doesn't make it okay for them to be like this, but it is what it is. You don't owe it to anyone, man or woman, to assume the best in them. You owe it to yourself to be cautious. You do not deserve to get hurt by people! You are worthy of respect, appreciation and honesty. No one has the right to manipulate you, so do not allow them to by seeing only the best in them. If it means waiting 3 months to sleep with someone, then so be it. If it means you ask for proof of what they're telling you, that is your right to demand.

Be discriminatory! Dude says that all of his exes are crazy bitches? Dude has a problem! Why would all of his exes go crazy if he wasn't contributing to it? On the same note- make your life private. Don't give out all the details of your past immediately. Certain things (like if you were abused by an ex) should be privy information. If a guy knows that you've been hurt badly before, used and taken advantage of, it's going to affect how he sees you. If he's the type to do those things, he's going to know that you're an easy target.

Be proud! Be confident! Be you! You have a lot to offer the world - not just a man. Don't let people take advantage of your good heart and beautiful spirit. It's a good thing to want to see the best in people, it says a lot about how sweet you are. But don't do it to the point where you're blinded and hurt by others. See the best in them, but also be on the lookout for the worst. Don't be afraid that people won't like you if you're wary - some won't, but those are the people who would have hurt you anyway.


Quoting jewel80:

Guys have a very convincing way of hiding how crappy they are! How dare you blame the women for "picking that kind of Guy" you make it sound like the Guy does nothing wrong and its our fault some men pretend to care and don't show their true colors until its too late! Haven't you even heard of men who have a whole secret family and their wives don't know for years some people really know how to lie and cover their. Tracks! And people are allowed to make mistakes its the people who hurt people on purpose that are the problem! Also being a single mom is not easy none of us need people saying stuff about us choosing the wrong men what about the mans responsibility in the situation how come if we are lied to and screwed over by someone its our fault for choosing them? How is it our fault for wanting to see the best in someone and believing them?





Quoting Liyoness:

Playing Devil's Advocate:

If you're continuing to choose these kinds of guys, doesn't that kind of give the impression that you do make bad choices?

Why keep repeating the same mistake over and over again? Choose a different type of guy!




Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Liyoness
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 1:57 PM
Then stop replying and bringing me back here. Pretty simple. :)

If you feel insulted then you are looking for insult.Making me a perp against you here isn't doing anything for either of us, and you're really just supporting every single point I've made about misinterpreting. Don't pass that off as others out to get you. You are your own worst enemy.


Quoting Singlemominit:

You need to just leave this fucking thread already. Nothing you say is helpful to anyone, but instead, just feels like you're insulting us whether you're meaning to or not. You're wasting your breath, or energy typing in this case.



Quoting Liyoness:

I had a much softer reply on the go, but unfortunately my new puppy came over and knocked me around which caused me to lose it. *Sigh* I'm sorry that I'm going to do this in point form instead because it's going to lose some of the value that I felt it had before. I hope that you're able to see past my short responses and read the deeper sympathy, because I do sympathize.

I never said the guy does nothing wrong. I will call a guy on his behaviour given the chance, but I don't know of any men here.

I wish I had a way of saying this that isn't going to make everyone automatically scream "bitch!", but sadly I don't - it is because you want to see the best in everyone that they take advantage of you. It's what makes them think you're desperate. It doesn't make it okay for them to be like this, but it is what it is. You don't owe it to anyone, man or woman, to assume the best in them. You owe it to yourself to be cautious. You do not deserve to get hurt by people! You are worthy of respect, appreciation and honesty. No one has the right to manipulate you, so do not allow them to by seeing only the best in them. If it means waiting 3 months to sleep with someone, then so be it. If it means you ask for proof of what they're telling you, that is your right to demand.

Be discriminatory! Dude says that all of his exes are crazy bitches? Dude has a problem! Why would all of his exes go crazy if he wasn't contributing to it? On the same note- make your life private. Don't give out all the details of your past immediately. Certain things (like if you were abused by an ex) should be privy information. If a guy knows that you've been hurt badly before, used and taken advantage of, it's going to affect how he sees you. If he's the type to do those things, he's going to know that you're an easy target.

Be proud! Be confident! Be you! You have a lot to offer the world - not just a man. Don't let people take advantage of your good heart and beautiful spirit. It's a good thing to want to see the best in people, it says a lot about how sweet you are. But don't do it to the point where you're blinded and hurt by others. See the best in them, but also be on the lookout for the worst. Don't be afraid that people won't like you if you're wary - some won't, but those are the people who would have hurt you anyway.



Quoting jewel80:

Guys have a very convincing way of hiding how crappy they are! How dare you blame the women for "picking that kind of Guy" you make it sound like the Guy does nothing wrong and its our fault some men pretend to care and don't show their true colors until its too late! Haven't you even heard of men who have a whole secret family and their wives don't know for years some people really know how to lie and cover their. Tracks! And people are allowed to make mistakes its the people who hurt people on purpose that are the problem! Also being a single mom is not easy none of us need people saying stuff about us choosing the wrong men what about the mans responsibility in the situation how come if we are lied to and screwed over by someone its our fault for choosing them? How is it our fault for wanting to see the best in someone and believing them?








Quoting Liyoness:

Playing Devil's Advocate:

If you're continuing to choose these kinds of guys, doesn't that kind of give the impression that you do make bad choices?

Why keep repeating the same mistake over and over again? Choose a different type of guy!






Posted on CafeMom Mobile
faerie75
by Ruby Member on Aug. 24, 2012 at 1:59 PM

 i actually agree with her. i say the same all the time, to be discerning.

i ended up pregnant from the WRONG guy too, and was dumb enough to marry him, that was a big mistake. we all make mistakes. i took me a  LONG time to learn to be more discerning who i date and watch for signs and red flags but i finally learned.

maybe it just stings coming from a non single mom, i guess.

Quoting Singlemominit:

You need to just leave this fucking thread already. Nothing you say is helpful to anyone, but instead, just feels like you're insulting us whether you're meaning to or not. You're wasting your breath, or energy typing in this case.

Quoting Liyoness:

I had a much softer reply on the go, but unfortunately my new puppy came over and knocked me around which caused me to lose it. *Sigh* I'm sorry that I'm going to do this in point form instead because it's going to lose some of the value that I felt it had before. I hope that you're able to see past my short responses and read the deeper sympathy, because I do sympathize.

I never said the guy does nothing wrong. I will call a guy on his behaviour given the chance, but I don't know of any men here.

I wish I had a way of saying this that isn't going to make everyone automatically scream "bitch!", but sadly I don't - it is because you want to see the best in everyone that they take advantage of you. It's what makes them think you're desperate. It doesn't make it okay for them to be like this, but it is what it is. You don't owe it to anyone, man or woman, to assume the best in them. You owe it to yourself to be cautious. You do not deserve to get hurt by people! You are worthy of respect, appreciation and honesty. No one has the right to manipulate you, so do not allow them to by seeing only the best in them. If it means waiting 3 months to sleep with someone, then so be it. If it means you ask for proof of what they're telling you, that is your right to demand.

Be discriminatory! Dude says that all of his exes are crazy bitches? Dude has a problem! Why would all of his exes go crazy if he wasn't contributing to it? On the same note- make your life private. Don't give out all the details of your past immediately. Certain things (like if you were abused by an ex) should be privy information. If a guy knows that you've been hurt badly before, used and taken advantage of, it's going to affect how he sees you. If he's the type to do those things, he's going to know that you're an easy target.

Be proud! Be confident! Be you! You have a lot to offer the world - not just a man. Don't let people take advantage of your good heart and beautiful spirit. It's a good thing to want to see the best in people, it says a lot about how sweet you are. But don't do it to the point where you're blinded and hurt by others. See the best in them, but also be on the lookout for the worst. Don't be afraid that people won't like you if you're wary - some won't, but those are the people who would have hurt you anyway.


Quoting jewel80:

Guys have a very convincing way of hiding how crappy they are! How dare you blame the women for "picking that kind of Guy" you make it sound like the Guy does nothing wrong and its our fault some men pretend to care and don't show their true colors until its too late! Haven't you even heard of men who have a whole secret family and their wives don't know for years some people really know how to lie and cover their. Tracks! And people are allowed to make mistakes its the people who hurt people on purpose that are the problem! Also being a single mom is not easy none of us need people saying stuff about us choosing the wrong men what about the mans responsibility in the situation how come if we are lied to and screwed over by someone its our fault for choosing them? How is it our fault for wanting to see the best in someone and believing them?





Quoting Liyoness:

Playing Devil's Advocate:

If you're continuing to choose these kinds of guys, doesn't that kind of give the impression that you do make bad choices?

Why keep repeating the same mistake over and over again? Choose a different type of guy!



 

 

 
        
         

mayasmama11
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 3:09 PM
I am fortunately not a single mother, but I have the upmost respect for those who are! I grew up with my brother and sister with just our mom. She worked 2-3 jobs and sometimes even just did odd jobs when she could get them to support us. I can't imagine how it feels to not have someone to help shoulder the responsibilty of raising my daughter. My hat is off to you superwomen who can not only support but raise your children to be responsible respectful adults!

I don't have any experience dating while being a single mother but my best advice is when your kids don't like him, don't date him. We told my mom for a couple years that we didn't like a guy she was seeing. Not because he wasn't nice or didn't treat us good, but there was a vibe about him we didn't like. She didn't listen and later after they broke up, he was arrested for child molestation. Always listen to your kids opinions. They may be young, but sometimes they can sense things that the person in question is trying to hide. That may not be the case for some men, but its something we experienced firsthand. (I was 12 at the time)
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Blue_Spiral
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 4:01 PM


I have to say that the whole "Why were you with him?" garbage REALLY pisses me off.

Nice, kind, trusting women who made the mistake of thinking another person was the same, are the ones who get blamed??????? F*** that.

I was raised pretty sheltered. I didn't know men were so predatory towards women. I didn't know that a person would say things that were opposite of the truth and even go so far as to marry someone JUST to use them.

I didn't know people would use my kindness against me like a weapon to hurt and humiliate me.

Anyone who wants to blame me for that is an evil person.

And as far as men I currently know, I have immediately ended things with a couple people because I saw red flags. I am not stupid or irresponsible. Just because I happened to be naive when I was freaking 20 years old, does not make me some idiot slut.

Quoting faerie75:

 i actually agree with her. i say the same all the time, to be discerning.

i ended up pregnant from the WRONG guy too, and was dumb enough to marry him, that was a big mistake. we all make mistakes. i took me a  LONG time to learn to be more discerning who i date and watch for signs and red flags but i finally learned.

maybe it just stings coming from a non single mom, i guess.

Quoting Singlemominit:

You need to just leave this fucking thread already. Nothing you say is helpful to anyone, but instead, just feels like you're insulting us whether you're meaning to or not. You're wasting your breath, or energy typing in this case.

Quoting Liyoness:

I had a much softer reply on the go, but unfortunately my new puppy came over and knocked me around which caused me to lose it. *Sigh* I'm sorry that I'm going to do this in point form instead because it's going to lose some of the value that I felt it had before. I hope that you're able to see past my short responses and read the deeper sympathy, because I do sympathize.

I never said the guy does nothing wrong. I will call a guy on his behaviour given the chance, but I don't know of any men here.

I wish I had a way of saying this that isn't going to make everyone automatically scream "bitch!", but sadly I don't - it is because you want to see the best in everyone that they take advantage of you. It's what makes them think you're desperate. It doesn't make it okay for them to be like this, but it is what it is. You don't owe it to anyone, man or woman, to assume the best in them. You owe it to yourself to be cautious. You do not deserve to get hurt by people! You are worthy of respect, appreciation and honesty. No one has the right to manipulate you, so do not allow them to by seeing only the best in them. If it means waiting 3 months to sleep with someone, then so be it. If it means you ask for proof of what they're telling you, that is your right to demand.

Be discriminatory! Dude says that all of his exes are crazy bitches? Dude has a problem! Why would all of his exes go crazy if he wasn't contributing to it? On the same note- make your life private. Don't give out all the details of your past immediately. Certain things (like if you were abused by an ex) should be privy information. If a guy knows that you've been hurt badly before, used and taken advantage of, it's going to affect how he sees you. If he's the type to do those things, he's going to know that you're an easy target.

Be proud! Be confident! Be you! You have a lot to offer the world - not just a man. Don't let people take advantage of your good heart and beautiful spirit. It's a good thing to want to see the best in people, it says a lot about how sweet you are. But don't do it to the point where you're blinded and hurt by others. See the best in them, but also be on the lookout for the worst. Don't be afraid that people won't like you if you're wary - some won't, but those are the people who would have hurt you anyway.


Quoting jewel80:

Guys have a very convincing way of hiding how crappy they are! How dare you blame the women for "picking that kind of Guy" you make it sound like the Guy does nothing wrong and its our fault some men pretend to care and don't show their true colors until its too late! Haven't you even heard of men who have a whole secret family and their wives don't know for years some people really know how to lie and cover their. Tracks! And people are allowed to make mistakes its the people who hurt people on purpose that are the problem! Also being a single mom is not easy none of us need people saying stuff about us choosing the wrong men what about the mans responsibility in the situation how come if we are lied to and screwed over by someone its our fault for choosing them? How is it our fault for wanting to see the best in someone and believing them?





Quoting Liyoness:

Playing Devil's Advocate:

If you're continuing to choose these kinds of guys, doesn't that kind of give the impression that you do make bad choices?

Why keep repeating the same mistake over and over again? Choose a different type of guy!




 


Charlotte1608
by Lottie on Aug. 24, 2012 at 7:10 PM
Snap. I get this too and I was married and I was the one who left him. I'm not interested in dating yet but I have already experienced the "easy ass, desperate single mom" mentality too.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
tinysmom160
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 11:00 PM

do not pay attention to people I know it is hard but as long as you know in your heart you are a good mom and person the hell with people

sunnymom4
by on Aug. 25, 2012 at 11:28 AM
Yes, I have 5 kids to 3 diff men. First 2 to my ex husband. I was 19 and he was 32 when we married. He left for an older woman, treated me like a child, and still does. My next set 2, to my ex fiance, who I was with 6yrs later, thinking it was a long enough wait and I deserved to try again. He ended up on meth and refusing to help. He ended up leaving for a drug addict who supplied his needs. 5yrs later I met whom I thought was an awsome native American man who convienced me he would never leave. When I was 7mons prego I and 7 other gals accidently found out that we were all his girlfriends. I'm single and heart broken. I do Wat two parent families do plus more. Those who discriminate against us, are jealous loafers who could never be strong enough to go through what we have. They are Lilly livered cowards who could never raise any child alone. Ignore them, they ignorant and lowly, bottom of the barrel scrapings. U are a strong, awsome, super mom. Never forget u are the stronger link in this world.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
faerie75
by Ruby Member on Aug. 25, 2012 at 12:45 PM
I think you're trippin cuz I didn't say any such thing about you.

Quoting Blue_Spiral:


I have to say that the whole "Why were you with him?" garbage REALLY pisses me off.

Nice, kind, trusting women who made the mistake of thinking another person was the same, are the ones who get blamed??????? F*** that.

I was raised pretty sheltered. I didn't know men were so predatory towards women. I didn't know that a person would say things that were opposite of the truth and even go so far as to marry someone JUST to use them.

I didn't know people would use my kindness against me like a weapon to hurt and humiliate me.

Anyone who wants to blame me for that is an evil person.

And as far as men I currently know, I have immediately ended things with a couple people because I saw red flags. I am not stupid or irresponsible. Just because I happened to be naive when I was freaking 20 years old, does not make me some idiot slut.

Quoting faerie75:

 i actually agree with her. i say the same all the time, to be discerning.


i ended up pregnant from the WRONG guy too, and was dumb enough to marry him, that was a big mistake. we all make mistakes. i took me a  LONG time to learn to be more discerning who i date and watch for signs and red flags but i finally learned.


maybe it just stings coming from a non single mom, i guess.


Quoting Singlemominit:

You need to just leave this fucking thread already. Nothing you say is helpful to anyone, but instead, just feels like you're insulting us whether you're meaning to or not. You're wasting your breath, or energy typing in this case.


Quoting Liyoness:


I had a much softer reply on the go, but unfortunately my new puppy came over and knocked me around which caused me to lose it. *Sigh* I'm sorry that I'm going to do this in point form instead because it's going to lose some of the value that I felt it had before. I hope that you're able to see past my short responses and read the deeper sympathy, because I do sympathize.


I never said the guy does nothing wrong. I will call a guy on his behaviour given the chance, but I don't know of any men here.


I wish I had a way of saying this that isn't going to make everyone automatically scream "bitch!", but sadly I don't - it is because you want to see the best in everyone that they take advantage of you. It's what makes them think you're desperate. It doesn't make it okay for them to be like this, but it is what it is. You don't owe it to anyone, man or woman, to assume the best in them. You owe it to yourself to be cautious. You do not deserve to get hurt by people! You are worthy of respect, appreciation and honesty. No one has the right to manipulate you, so do not allow them to by seeing only the best in them. If it means waiting 3 months to sleep with someone, then so be it. If it means you ask for proof of what they're telling you, that is your right to demand.


Be discriminatory! Dude says that all of his exes are crazy bitches? Dude has a problem! Why would all of his exes go crazy if he wasn't contributing to it? On the same note- make your life private. Don't give out all the details of your past immediately. Certain things (like if you were abused by an ex) should be privy information. If a guy knows that you've been hurt badly before, used and taken advantage of, it's going to affect how he sees you. If he's the type to do those things, he's going to know that you're an easy target.


Be proud! Be confident! Be you! You have a lot to offer the world - not just a man. Don't let people take advantage of your good heart and beautiful spirit. It's a good thing to want to see the best in people, it says a lot about how sweet you are. But don't do it to the point where you're blinded and hurt by others. See the best in them, but also be on the lookout for the worst. Don't be afraid that people won't like you if you're wary - some won't, but those are the people who would have hurt you anyway.



Quoting jewel80:

Guys have a very convincing way of hiding how crappy they are! How dare you blame the women for "picking that kind of Guy" you make it sound like the Guy does nothing wrong and its our fault some men pretend to care and don't show their true colors until its too late! Haven't you even heard of men who have a whole secret family and their wives don't know for years some people really know how to lie and cover their. Tracks! And people are allowed to make mistakes its the people who hurt people on purpose that are the problem! Also being a single mom is not easy none of us need people saying stuff about us choosing the wrong men what about the mans responsibility in the situation how come if we are lied to and screwed over by someone its our fault for choosing them? How is it our fault for wanting to see the best in someone and believing them?






Quoting Liyoness:


Playing Devil's Advocate:


If you're continuing to choose these kinds of guys, doesn't that kind of give the impression that you do make bad choices?


Why keep repeating the same mistake over and over again? Choose a different type of guy!






 


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
echo340
by on Aug. 25, 2012 at 4:27 PM

I was a single mom twice! My first husband decided after our son was born that he wasn't interested in being a parent bc it wasn't fun. I left him. My second husband went all stalker crazy when I was working and he was home with the kids bc he couldn't keep a job. I left him. Both times the choice was mine and a very difficult one. Being a single mom is not an easy road and lots of ppl thought I was crazy; at times I thought I was too. That said, it was the fact I was a strong, independent, woman who didn't need a man and who knew exactly what she wanted that attracted my now husband. I definitely wasn't looking and actually blew him off then friend zoned him for months lol Finally, I realized he was the guy I had asked for my whole life and I would be crazy to pass him up. Moral of this story, do what's right for you, love your baby like no other, and stay strong! The right guy for you will come along at the right time, and if he's lucky you'll keep him :) 

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