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I'm feeling overwhelmed with the discrimination...

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I guess I just need to vent a little, find a shoulder to cry on where I'll be understood.

Lately it seems like everywhere I turn, I mean EVERYWHERE, I'm faced with some stereotyping about single moms.

I feel so discouraged.

So many people seem to think that I must have been irresponsible, or slutty or stupid or selfish, or a horrible wife.

I've even heard someone say single mothers shouldn't expect some man to pick up the pieces of her bad choices. It makes me feel ashamed that I even want to remarry.

Why do they automatically assume we all made some terrible choices?

And even if some of us did, are we not allowed to make mistakes?

This all leads to the rampant blaming of the woman, and sympathizing with the man. Not all men are bad and not all women are good, but it WAS that way in my situation, yet people, especially men are very wary of me. They think I'm trashy and ignorant.

Every guy I date or almost date thinks they can just use me because I'm desperate. I'm not desperate at all, but I'm starting to feel shame and humiliation right off the bat with a guy, because I'm scared that's what he's thinking.

I feel like I'm walking around with a sign on my forehead that says something opposite of what I really am inside.

Sometimes I feel anger for my ex, not just for all the cruel things he did to me intentionally, but the fact that he is off having the time of his life, leaving me with all the responsibilities, and yet *I'M* seen as irresponsible. It's so ironic.

This obviously isn't everyone's experience and I know the way to overcome it is to be positive, happy, successful, proud and most of all just be the person I know I am, with or without a husband and fancy house.

Until I conquer this, I just needed to share these feelings while I'm feeling them.










I am Kaela, a proud 24 year old atheist, pro-choice, single Mama to full-term breastfed, co-sleeping, freebirthed, intact, lucky little Wolfgang!

by on Aug. 22, 2012 at 6:28 AM
Replies (141-147):
Jaylah0622
by on Aug. 25, 2012 at 5:38 PM
Amen mama that was something I really needed to hear been having kinda a rough day


Quoting angie2568:

(*These are my personal opinions*)-I only want to help and get you to feel better!


Don't EVER worry about what others say or think! For one we all have to make our own choices, single, married, divorced etc. There is only one judge & no child is a mistake but unplanned blessing! *(my opinion). *No one ever needs to "play" the victim role, just leave that situation, get medical help (if raped-go to hospital-have them take pics, do rape kit-that includes the emergency birth control to prevent "that act" of turning into pregnancy, if you are being hit or abused-they do go to work-pack what you can take kid(s) and leave-filing police report once you get to shelter, if being cheated on leave or go to counseling if you feel its worth saving)-I have been in most of these situations-I didnt feel victimized I left and never looked back. I forgave and moved on.


So the point is, do not feel shame, humilated or "trashy", just bc there are women that are single parents do not make them anything more or less than a mother!


People just need to keep negative comments to themselves, its one thing to offer up advice/tips/opinions, but dont assume bad things about anyone or make rude/nasty comments bc of how someone chooses to live.


I really hope you get some advice/support you are looking for, I hope everything turns around for the best! Good luck and remember - its your life and we all have only one life to live!hugs


 


 


 


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Blue_Spiral
by on Aug. 25, 2012 at 8:00 PM


I didn't think you did.

I was just sharing my thoughts on the comments that were made. Just venting some more, didn't mean it directly to you, but as a general reaction to what I read from you, liyoness and singlemominit.

Quoting faerie75:

I think you're trippin cuz I didn't say any such thing about you.

Quoting Blue_Spiral:


I have to say that the whole "Why were you with him?" garbage REALLY pisses me off.

Nice, kind, trusting women who made the mistake of thinking another person was the same, are the ones who get blamed??????? F*** that.

I was raised pretty sheltered. I didn't know men were so predatory towards women. I didn't know that a person would say things that were opposite of the truth and even go so far as to marry someone JUST to use them.

I didn't know people would use my kindness against me like a weapon to hurt and humiliate me.

Anyone who wants to blame me for that is an evil person.

And as far as men I currently know, I have immediately ended things with a couple people because I saw red flags. I am not stupid or irresponsible. Just because I happened to be naive when I was freaking 20 years old, does not make me some idiot slut.

Quoting faerie75:

 i actually agree with her. i say the same all the time, to be discerning.


i ended up pregnant from the WRONG guy too, and was dumb enough to marry him, that was a big mistake. we all make mistakes. i took me a  LONG time to learn to be more discerning who i date and watch for signs and red flags but i finally learned.


maybe it just stings coming from a non single mom, i guess.


Quoting Singlemominit:

You need to just leave this fucking thread already. Nothing you say is helpful to anyone, but instead, just feels like you're insulting us whether you're meaning to or not. You're wasting your breath, or energy typing in this case.


Quoting Liyoness:


I had a much softer reply on the go, but unfortunately my new puppy came over and knocked me around which caused me to lose it. *Sigh* I'm sorry that I'm going to do this in point form instead because it's going to lose some of the value that I felt it had before. I hope that you're able to see past my short responses and read the deeper sympathy, because I do sympathize.


I never said the guy does nothing wrong. I will call a guy on his behaviour given the chance, but I don't know of any men here.


I wish I had a way of saying this that isn't going to make everyone automatically scream "bitch!", but sadly I don't - it is because you want to see the best in everyone that they take advantage of you. It's what makes them think you're desperate. It doesn't make it okay for them to be like this, but it is what it is. You don't owe it to anyone, man or woman, to assume the best in them. You owe it to yourself to be cautious. You do not deserve to get hurt by people! You are worthy of respect, appreciation and honesty. No one has the right to manipulate you, so do not allow them to by seeing only the best in them. If it means waiting 3 months to sleep with someone, then so be it. If it means you ask for proof of what they're telling you, that is your right to demand.


Be discriminatory! Dude says that all of his exes are crazy bitches? Dude has a problem! Why would all of his exes go crazy if he wasn't contributing to it? On the same note- make your life private. Don't give out all the details of your past immediately. Certain things (like if you were abused by an ex) should be privy information. If a guy knows that you've been hurt badly before, used and taken advantage of, it's going to affect how he sees you. If he's the type to do those things, he's going to know that you're an easy target.


Be proud! Be confident! Be you! You have a lot to offer the world - not just a man. Don't let people take advantage of your good heart and beautiful spirit. It's a good thing to want to see the best in people, it says a lot about how sweet you are. But don't do it to the point where you're blinded and hurt by others. See the best in them, but also be on the lookout for the worst. Don't be afraid that people won't like you if you're wary - some won't, but those are the people who would have hurt you anyway.



Quoting jewel80:

Guys have a very convincing way of hiding how crappy they are! How dare you blame the women for "picking that kind of Guy" you make it sound like the Guy does nothing wrong and its our fault some men pretend to care and don't show their true colors until its too late! Haven't you even heard of men who have a whole secret family and their wives don't know for years some people really know how to lie and cover their. Tracks! And people are allowed to make mistakes its the people who hurt people on purpose that are the problem! Also being a single mom is not easy none of us need people saying stuff about us choosing the wrong men what about the mans responsibility in the situation how come if we are lied to and screwed over by someone its our fault for choosing them? How is it our fault for wanting to see the best in someone and believing them?






Quoting Liyoness:


Playing Devil's Advocate:


If you're continuing to choose these kinds of guys, doesn't that kind of give the impression that you do make bad choices?


Why keep repeating the same mistake over and over again? Choose a different type of guy!






 



angie2568
by on Aug. 25, 2012 at 8:09 PM

You are more than welcome, I hope your day/weekend/week gets better!

Always here for anyone if you need me! :) XOXO 

Quoting Jaylah0622:

Amen mama that was something I really needed to hear been having kinda a rough day


Quoting angie2568:

(*These are my personal opinions*)-I only want to help and get you to feel better!


Don't EVER worry about what others say or think! For one we all have to make our own choices, single, married, divorced etc. There is only one judge & no child is a mistake but unplanned blessing! *(my opinion). *No one ever needs to "play" the victim role, just leave that situation, get medical help (if raped-go to hospital-have them take pics, do rape kit-that includes the emergency birth control to prevent "that act" of turning into pregnancy, if you are being hit or abused-they do go to work-pack what you can take kid(s) and leave-filing police report once you get to shelter, if being cheated on leave or go to counseling if you feel its worth saving)-I have been in most of these situations-I didnt feel victimized I left and never looked back. I forgave and moved on.


So the point is, do not feel shame, humilated or "trashy", just bc there are women that are single parents do not make them anything more or less than a mother!


People just need to keep negative comments to themselves, its one thing to offer up advice/tips/opinions, but dont assume bad things about anyone or make rude/nasty comments bc of how someone chooses to live.


I really hope you get some advice/support you are looking for, I hope everything turns around for the best! Good luck and remember - its your life and we all have only one life to live!hugs


 


 


 


 

LeiOKeOla
by on Aug. 25, 2012 at 9:14 PM
I respect single parents . It takes a lot being a single mom , juggling between children, work, and making ends meet. Don't listen to negative talk. You are a gift to your children . They say men supposedly wears the pants in the house , but honestlyc who tells them what color? I know right, Woman got it all figured out even when we think we don't . Smile. You're treasure and a phenomenal lady .
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
KittenKrump
by on Aug. 26, 2012 at 3:38 AM
1 mom liked this

I don't understand this. I don't check out people's hands. I don't know though, this site is beginning to make me think I'm the crazy one because I don't pay a bit of attention to the people around me...

Quoting justone_jen:

Really? You've never noticed while pregnant that people look at your belly and then immediately at your ring finger? I'm guilty of it myself, if I'm to be completely honest. I don't judge anyone who doesn't have a ring on, but I'm just curious, I guess.

Quoting Liyoness:

What do you mean you get "looks" when out in public? How would anyone know you're single? My DH works away from home and we are rarely seen in public together! (In fact, my coworkers just met him recently after me working for the company for five years!) No one ever gives me "looks", although I'm sure at stores I'm a "regular" at, some must assume it.

I think sometimes people (such as yourself) read too much into things.

Quoting Singlemominit:

I totally know how you feel girly. My little one hasnt gotten here yet but everywhere I go...always with the looks. I had one man ask me which path to hell Ive chosen! And in my situation...the dad walked off. Turns out (I found out he has a son and I tracked down the mom) hes all sorts of crazy. Yet...Im the one that gets the looks. His grandmother literally thinks he is a saint and blames it on us, the mothers. I had a user on here see my name and saw that I was pregnant and she goes wait...youre single AND pregnant? yes I am, so fucking what? its 2012 PEOPLE!!


I had a family friend laugh when I told him my situation and said 'good luck ever finding a man that wants you now. I know if I was single, I wouldnt even look at you because you have another mans child and he didnt stick around'

people. fucking. suck.


 


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ForRaineW_Love
by on Aug. 26, 2012 at 9:27 AM

My exhusband's gf is being a royal itch in this way. Trying to paint herself as the wonderful "new wife" and I'm the horrible exwife. Even though she's been with my ex for a year and was cheating on him for 6 months of that. And then she thinks I expect too much for MY daughter (with the ex husband). As if she's the mother now. She puts him on a pedestal and judges me.

It's the people who don't know you that do this though. She doesn't know me and she doesn't know the circumstances of the divorce, but man is she working my last nerve!

jewel80
by on Sep. 5, 2012 at 9:57 AM
That I agree with you on just when you said it the other way it sounded like you were completely blaming the women! But explaining it your right!


Quoting Liyoness:

I had a much softer reply on the go, but unfortunately my new puppy came over and knocked me around which caused me to lose it. *Sigh* I'm sorry that I'm going to do this in point form instead because it's going to lose some of the value that I felt it had before. I hope that you're able to see past my short responses and read the deeper sympathy, because I do sympathize.

I never said the guy does nothing wrong. I will call a guy on his behaviour given the chance, but I don't know of any men here.

I wish I had a way of saying this that isn't going to make everyone automatically scream "bitch!", but sadly I don't - it is because you want to see the best in everyone that they take advantage of you. It's what makes them think you're desperate. It doesn't make it okay for them to be like this, but it is what it is. You don't owe it to anyone, man or woman, to assume the best in them. You owe it to yourself to be cautious. You do not deserve to get hurt by people! You are worthy of respect, appreciation and honesty. No one has the right to manipulate you, so do not allow them to by seeing only the best in them. If it means waiting 3 months to sleep with someone, then so be it. If it means you ask for proof of what they're telling you, that is your right to demand.

Be discriminatory! Dude says that all of his exes are crazy bitches? Dude has a problem! Why would all of his exes go crazy if he wasn't contributing to it? On the same note- make your life private. Don't give out all the details of your past immediately. Certain things (like if you were abused by an ex) should be privy information. If a guy knows that you've been hurt badly before, used and taken advantage of, it's going to affect how he sees you. If he's the type to do those things, he's going to know that you're an easy target.

Be proud! Be confident! Be you! You have a lot to offer the world - not just a man. Don't let people take advantage of your good heart and beautiful spirit. It's a good thing to want to see the best in people, it says a lot about how sweet you are. But don't do it to the point where you're blinded and hurt by others. See the best in them, but also be on the lookout for the worst. Don't be afraid that people won't like you if you're wary - some won't, but those are the people who would have hurt you anyway.


Quoting jewel80:

Guys have a very convincing way of hiding how crappy they are! How dare you blame the women for "picking that kind of Guy" you make it sound like the Guy does nothing wrong and its our fault some men pretend to care and don't show their true colors until its too late! Haven't you even heard of men who have a whole secret family and their wives don't know for years some people really know how to lie and cover their. Tracks! And people are allowed to make mistakes its the people who hurt people on purpose that are the problem! Also being a single mom is not easy none of us need people saying stuff about us choosing the wrong men what about the mans responsibility in the situation how come if we are lied to and screwed over by someone its our fault for choosing them? How is it our fault for wanting to see the best in someone and believing them?





Quoting Liyoness:

Playing Devil's Advocate:

If you're continuing to choose these kinds of guys, doesn't that kind of give the impression that you do make bad choices?

Why keep repeating the same mistake over and over again? Choose a different type of guy!





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