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Single Moms Single Moms

I'm feeling overwhelmed with the discrimination...

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I guess I just need to vent a little, find a shoulder to cry on where I'll be understood.

Lately it seems like everywhere I turn, I mean EVERYWHERE, I'm faced with some stereotyping about single moms.

I feel so discouraged.

So many people seem to think that I must have been irresponsible, or slutty or stupid or selfish, or a horrible wife.

I've even heard someone say single mothers shouldn't expect some man to pick up the pieces of her bad choices. It makes me feel ashamed that I even want to remarry.

Why do they automatically assume we all made some terrible choices?

And even if some of us did, are we not allowed to make mistakes?

This all leads to the rampant blaming of the woman, and sympathizing with the man. Not all men are bad and not all women are good, but it WAS that way in my situation, yet people, especially men are very wary of me. They think I'm trashy and ignorant.

Every guy I date or almost date thinks they can just use me because I'm desperate. I'm not desperate at all, but I'm starting to feel shame and humiliation right off the bat with a guy, because I'm scared that's what he's thinking.

I feel like I'm walking around with a sign on my forehead that says something opposite of what I really am inside.

Sometimes I feel anger for my ex, not just for all the cruel things he did to me intentionally, but the fact that he is off having the time of his life, leaving me with all the responsibilities, and yet *I'M* seen as irresponsible. It's so ironic.

This obviously isn't everyone's experience and I know the way to overcome it is to be positive, happy, successful, proud and most of all just be the person I know I am, with or without a husband and fancy house.

Until I conquer this, I just needed to share these feelings while I'm feeling them.










I am Kaela, a proud 24 year old atheist, pro-choice, single Mama to full-term breastfed, co-sleeping, freebirthed, intact, lucky little Wolfgang!

by on Aug. 22, 2012 at 6:28 AM
Replies (51-60):
babygirl_1012
by on Aug. 23, 2012 at 9:37 AM
3 moms liked this

How long have you been single? I know I felt the same way for a while after my daughters father and I split up. He was out having girlfriend after girlfriend and getting shit faced drunk, while I had to deal with the potty training, the crying, the whining, and the "oh I knew it wasnt going to work out" looks. I hated the fact that I was now considered a statistic. I cant believe, I let that hinder myself for a while. You shouldnt let anyone make you feel bad, especially if your life is in order, do you have a job? Does your child have food to eat everyday? Is he dressed well everyday? If you have been doing those things, you are doing fine!

I never had an issue with going on dates with men. I told them from the start that I have a daughter, and I may have some baby daddy drama at times, and if they are interested we date, if not then I dont waste my time. It kind of helps to weed out the bad guys anyway. And look now, I have an amazing boyfriend, who is great with my daughter, who takes me seriously and doesnt judge me when I make mistakes, we might laugh a little, but he wouldnt judge me. Thats the key! My mom was actually one who was like, "Maybe you guys can work it out? He only cheated once right? How do you think the baby feels not having her dad around?" So I had to tell her to shut her mouth, because I didnt need to hear the crap, I knew I had to leave, and keeping the famliy together for the sake of my daughter would hurt her in the long run.

Stay positive, dont let what other people think affect you. You seem to be doing a god job already, others just make comments because they are jealous, that you got out of your horrible relationship, and they are still stuck in one, or because you have it together on your own, and they dont have the courage to do it by themselves. =)

mrsary
by Silver Member on Aug. 23, 2012 at 9:38 AM
Exact same here.


Quoting NOLAmommaKRYS:

My experience is pretty similar. My biggest problem is that because I'm a single mom, people think I can't financially supprt me and my daughter. They think I need a man to come take care of me and support me financially. NO, I need a man who can come in and work WITH me at a relationship and want to be with ME. Who understands that I don't NEED him, but I WANT him and that's two different things. Everyone keeps telling me I need a man .. and it makes me so mad. I don't NEED anything, the only thing I NEED is my daughter.


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
texoma2
by on Aug. 23, 2012 at 9:42 AM
4 moms liked this

I am so shocked at these replies. The number of single mothers had grown SO much... its becoming so normal.  Divorce has passed the marriage ratio for the first time in history. Woman are so strong and are a total generation than the past. Do not let anyone make you feel that way. I am a single mother and have always been told how I am admired for doing what I do so ignore those people. They are probably in a terrible unhappy situation and nine times out of ten that is the case.  Be strong and show your kids to never depend on another person for happiness or financial, Woman are starting to rule the world lOL!!! 

cmgreen
by on Aug. 23, 2012 at 9:45 AM

Wow, I am sorry you feel this way... but as a former single mother, please try to not beat yourself up. It was hard and there were days I felt like I was beating my head against some huge wall that seperated me from the "accepted" moms. Then, I realize I had something they didn't... 100% me time with my kids! I could safely say "I did this" in the raising, and not have to "share" the rewards of parenting.

Now, I'm with someone awesome who has been the first father my kids have had and I can honestly say gives a run for my money in parenting OUR kids. There is no distinction on who belongs to who in our house... they are ours and treated as such. So have faith.. if you are ment to be with someone, he is out there going through his own experiences to be worthy of your kids and you. Dont fall into the trap that you have to have someone in your life or in your kids life for you be "normal"... cause that could lead to worse choices (my second ex husband was a prime example of a big mistake for what I thought the kids needed!). "normal" is what works for you, your kids, your guys saftey & well being... just ignore those bitter crunchie moms and you just do you and be Proud your strong enough to do it alone... something those judgemental cookie moms could never do! :)

Chillisarah
by on Aug. 23, 2012 at 9:54 AM

(hugs)

RachelRoss
by on Aug. 23, 2012 at 10:08 AM
bump


TresHijas111825
by New Member on Aug. 23, 2012 at 10:22 AM

My mother could gave easily written what you wrote. None of the men she has dated have been good enough-not a single one because I think they saw what you say "desperation" whether it was true or not.

The best thing you can do is be strong, confident and positive and with that success and happiness are sure to follow. My mother was not, nor is she now a very confident person-so even though she is sweet, intelligent and all around a great person-she can't recognize it in herself. YOU need to recognize your qualities and know your worth and the right person will recognize it in you and appreciate it.

I'm sure it is eay to get discouraged-I know it was really easy for my mom but you seem like a smart woman who knows what she wants and you will be able to come out above the "stigma" of single motherhood. 

lv_my_babies
by on Aug. 23, 2012 at 10:23 AM
1 mom liked this

I wouldn't be where I am now if I wasn't a single mom. If I stayed with my ex I would honestly be over weight, depressed, lonely, or even dead (he was very abusive). Now I am in school, lost some weight (still working on that), starting to get my confidence back, dating an amazing guy, and for the most part happy!! Yes, there are those that look down on me but I look at it this way, they don't know my situation, they don't know what I went through to get to where I am now. If they want to look down on me fine, that is not going to change who I am. I have two of the best kids in the world and great parents who are helping me survive. I wouldn't change any of it!!

Everything happens for a reason and you can get through this!!!!!

erikadi
by New Member on Aug. 23, 2012 at 10:25 AM

I am glad you vented. I am not a single mom, but I have heard these stereotypes before. It angers me because I have a lot of respect for single moms. I get mad at the men who deserted them. They are the weak ones not you. I also admire the women who are financially stable enough to tackle this huge undertaking on their own. If you are wanting to meet men there are groups of single parents that get together. I think it would be a great way to meet single dads.

Crystal2985
by on Aug. 23, 2012 at 10:25 AM

'Until I conquer this' is the key phrase!! Because you will conquer this. I was a single parent for several years. I understand how you feel. People are cruel and judgemental, but they forget to look in the mirror at their own lives. After getting out of my relationship, I knew I needed time on my own, with my daughter, before I could be happy with someone else. And after some time, I met the man of my dreams. Did he pick up the pieces of my mistakes? Probably, and me his. We both had pasts (he was recently divorced, with no children) as does everyone. So continue doing what you're doing, taking care of yourself and your child, and eventually things will fall into place :)

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