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I'm feeling overwhelmed with the discrimination...

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I guess I just need to vent a little, find a shoulder to cry on where I'll be understood.

Lately it seems like everywhere I turn, I mean EVERYWHERE, I'm faced with some stereotyping about single moms.

I feel so discouraged.

So many people seem to think that I must have been irresponsible, or slutty or stupid or selfish, or a horrible wife.

I've even heard someone say single mothers shouldn't expect some man to pick up the pieces of her bad choices. It makes me feel ashamed that I even want to remarry.

Why do they automatically assume we all made some terrible choices?

And even if some of us did, are we not allowed to make mistakes?

This all leads to the rampant blaming of the woman, and sympathizing with the man. Not all men are bad and not all women are good, but it WAS that way in my situation, yet people, especially men are very wary of me. They think I'm trashy and ignorant.

Every guy I date or almost date thinks they can just use me because I'm desperate. I'm not desperate at all, but I'm starting to feel shame and humiliation right off the bat with a guy, because I'm scared that's what he's thinking.

I feel like I'm walking around with a sign on my forehead that says something opposite of what I really am inside.

Sometimes I feel anger for my ex, not just for all the cruel things he did to me intentionally, but the fact that he is off having the time of his life, leaving me with all the responsibilities, and yet *I'M* seen as irresponsible. It's so ironic.

This obviously isn't everyone's experience and I know the way to overcome it is to be positive, happy, successful, proud and most of all just be the person I know I am, with or without a husband and fancy house.

Until I conquer this, I just needed to share these feelings while I'm feeling them.










I am Kaela, a proud 24 year old atheist, pro-choice, single Mama to full-term breastfed, co-sleeping, freebirthed, intact, lucky little Wolfgang!

by on Aug. 22, 2012 at 6:28 AM
Replies (61-70):
hargonagain
by Member on Aug. 23, 2012 at 10:28 AM
1 mom liked this

I think people have this perception that every single mom was somehow abandoned by her husband/boyfriend/significant other and they automatically assume that you can't make it on your own.  I was raised by a very strong single mom, there are 3 of us girls and we never learned to depend on a man for anything.  I was married to a real loser for 7 years.  I finally divorced him and any time people hear that I am divorced they always so, "Oh, I am sorry"  I say, "I'm NOT!"  I adopted my son as a single mother by choice.  I do not need a man to support me or my son, I am perfectly capable of doing it on my own.  Even the guys have dated in recent years haven't been worthy of being in my son's life.  I finally decided last year that I just won't date and for a solid year now I have been 100% single and happier than I have ever been.  I find it sad that so many people look down on single mothers instead of placing the blame where it most likely lies, on the guy who didn't want the responsiblity of a child.  I know that there are some crazy chicks out there, but I think if more guys stepped up to take on the responsibility and knew how to be men themselves you wouldn't see such an epedimic of single parents out there.  How many guys, when the girl tells him she is pregnant, automatically step back and say It's not mine!  The girl can't do that and someone she is the one that should be shamed, ridiculed etc.  Why is it okay to shame a girl for taking responsiblity for her baby but the guy gets a free pass? My case is different, but I do see it.

Liyoness
by on Aug. 23, 2012 at 10:47 AM

Yes, I was alone for most of my pregnancies, thus, out in public as a "single woman" - no man beside me to prove that I'm married.

No, I have never had that happen, although, like I said, 99% of the time that I am out in public, I am out as a "single woman". How would people know whether I'm married or single based soley on my being alone with my kids?

I think perhaps that you're quicker to jump to defense over such things because you are single and reading things that are not there. Unless they ask you, "would you like to wait a few moments for your husband to arrive?" you can't possibly know that this is the reason for the wait. And if they say that, you don't have to tell them you're single if you feel you're going to get judged for it (which I highly doubt you are when at restaurants or wandering through Walmart), you can simply reply, "he won't be joining us today, thanks."

Quoting sweetsorrow2:

I'm sorry but you CANNOT relate to her. Have you ever been pregnant and single???? Have you ever taken your kids out to a nice restaurant only to have them ignore your for minutes on end not only at the front but at your table because they are waiting for "your husband" to show??? Im sorry but the looks you get while pregnant are nothing compared to just being alone. You have no idea, I think even single moms have a hard time relating to how it feels to being single and pregnant. So please back off, you're showing your ignorance.


Quoting Liyoness:

What do you mean you get "looks" when out in public? How would anyone know you're single? My DH works away from home and we are rarely seen in public together! (In fact, my coworkers just met him recently after me working for the company for five years!) No one ever gives me "looks", although I'm sure at stores I'm a "regular" at, some must assume it.

I think sometimes people (such as yourself) read too much into things.


Quoting Singlemominit:

I totally know how you feel girly. My little one hasnt gotten here yet but everywhere I go...always with the looks.




Liyoness
by on Aug. 23, 2012 at 10:57 AM

No, never. Why would I notice such a thing, or care to look for it? And why would I jump to conclusions about what people are thinking about me? If they want to assume it means I'm single, then they are free to do so. I don't see why such an assumption should affect my self worth.

(And I'm guilty of not wearing a wedding ring myself due the work that I do..)

People need to spend more time focusing on themselves when out in public instead of looking for looks or branding  that may or may not be there or mean what they think they mean.

Quoting justone_jen:

Really? You've never noticed while pregnant that people look at your belly and then immediately at your ring finger? I'm guilty of it myself, if I'm to be completely honest. I don't judge anyone who doesn't have a ring on, but I'm just curious, I guess.

Quoting Liyoness:

What do you mean you get "looks" when out in public? How would anyone know you're single? My DH works away from home and we are rarely seen in public together! (In fact, my coworkers just met him recently after me working for the company for five years!) No one ever gives me "looks", although I'm sure at stores I'm a "regular" at, some must assume it.

I think sometimes people (such as yourself) read too much into things.

Quoting Singlemominit:

I totally know how you feel girly. My little one hasnt gotten here yet but everywhere I go...always with the looks. I had one man ask me which path to hell Ive chosen! And in my situation...the dad walked off. Turns out (I found out he has a son and I tracked down the mom) hes all sorts of crazy. Yet...Im the one that gets the looks. His grandmother literally thinks he is a saint and blames it on us, the mothers. I had a user on here see my name and saw that I was pregnant and she goes wait...youre single AND pregnant? yes I am, so fucking what? its 2012 PEOPLE!!


I had a family friend laugh when I told him my situation and said 'good luck ever finding a man that wants you now. I know if I was single, I wouldnt even look at you because you have another mans child and he didnt stick around'

people. fucking. suck.


 


Liyoness
by on Aug. 23, 2012 at 11:04 AM

Maybe it's about more than just being a single mother, though.. Single mothers find guys all the time and get happily (re)married..

I'd start by questioning (internally, you don't have to respond to this) why they would get the impression that you'd take advantage of them.. Instead of focusing on men, maybe try focusing on your career and making sure that you're financially self-sufficient - then you'd weed out the guys who are afraid that you'll take advantage of them..

As far as a man being embarrassed to introduce you, you must be dating young men, and/or be very young yourself.. This, too, could be a factor.

Try not to define yourself and your self worth based on whether or not you have a man/a father for your child. Focus on you. Your parenting, your life, your self. A good man will come along, there's no need to spend so much time and energy focusing on dating right now.

Quoting Blue_Spiral:


That's hurtful.

I don't choose those kinds of guys.

First of all, "those kind of guys" come to me and I blow them off. I don't stand for it.

Second, when I do find a guy who seems kind and responsible he's too "self respecting" to date a single mother. They either think I'm going to take advantage of them, or they are too embarrassed to show me off to friends or family because of the judgment they would get.

Men have told me this straight forward.

Quoting Liyoness:

Playing Devil's Advocate:

If you're continuing to choose these kinds of guys, doesn't that kind of give the impression that you do make bad choices?

Why keep repeating the same mistake over and over again? Choose a different type of guy!



mommaJewels2011
by Bronze Member on Aug. 23, 2012 at 11:05 AM
1 mom liked this
You're not a single mom. So what's your reason for bringing your negativity to this forum?


Quoting Liyoness:

No, never. Why would I notice such a thing, or care to look for it? And why would I jump to conclusions about what people are thinking about me? If they want to assume it means I'm single, then they are free to do so. I don't see why such an assumption should affect my self worth.

(And I'm guilty of not wearing a wedding ring myself due the work that I do..)

People need to spend more time focusing on themselves when out in public instead of looking for looks or branding  that may or may not be there or mean what they think they mean.


Quoting justone_jen:

Really? You've never noticed while pregnant that people look at your belly and then immediately at your ring finger? I'm guilty of it myself, if I'm to be completely honest. I don't judge anyone who doesn't have a ring on, but I'm just curious, I guess.


Quoting Liyoness:


What do you mean you get "looks" when out in public? How would anyone know you're single? My DH works away from home and we are rarely seen in public together! (In fact, my coworkers just met him recently after me working for the company for five years!) No one ever gives me "looks", although I'm sure at stores I'm a "regular" at, some must assume it.


I think sometimes people (such as yourself) read too much into things.


Quoting Singlemominit:


I totally know how you feel girly. My little one hasnt gotten here yet but everywhere I go...always with the looks. I had one man ask me which path to hell Ive chosen! And in my situation...the dad walked off. Turns out (I found out he has a son and I tracked down the mom) hes all sorts of crazy. Yet...Im the one that gets the looks. His grandmother literally thinks he is a saint and blames it on us, the mothers. I had a user on here see my name and saw that I was pregnant and she goes wait...youre single AND pregnant? yes I am, so fucking what? its 2012 PEOPLE!!




I had a family friend laugh when I told him my situation and said 'good luck ever finding a man that wants you now. I know if I was single, I wouldnt even look at you because you have another mans child and he didnt stick around'


people. fucking. suck.




 



Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Liyoness
by on Aug. 23, 2012 at 11:06 AM

It shows up as a popular post that CM wants everyone to check out.

And actually, I'm bringing positivity to a negative post. ;-)

Quoting mommaJewels2011:

You're not a single mom. So what's your reason for bringing your negativity to this forum?


Quoting Liyoness:

No, never. Why would I notice such a thing, or care to look for it? And why would I jump to conclusions about what people are thinking about me? If they want to assume it means I'm single, then they are free to do so. I don't see why such an assumption should affect my self worth.

(And I'm guilty of not wearing a wedding ring myself due the work that I do..)

People need to spend more time focusing on themselves when out in public instead of looking for looks or branding  that may or may not be there or mean what they think they mean.



mommaJewels2011
by Bronze Member on Aug. 23, 2012 at 11:09 AM
Wow that's harsh. I've never experienced that. Where do you live? Maybe it's time for a fresh start?
To be honest, some single mothers are in this boat bc they are/were trashy and ignorant. But it's wrong for people to come to that conclusion first. Good luck, hun!
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
justone_jen
by on Aug. 23, 2012 at 12:10 PM
All I was responding to was your apprehension about this being a reality. It happens. That's great for you that you are oblivious. I'm sure the view up there on your horse is distracting.

People are readable. Sure, it's an assumption that the person glaring from your belly to your ring finger and then giving a dirty look is thinking badly of you, but it's likely a pretty solid assumption. Some of us are very in tune with physical communication. Yes, there are times when one makes an incorrect assumption, and I'm not arguing that. It's a survival instinct, and usually not even intentional.


Quoting Liyoness:

No, never. Why would I notice such a thing, or care to look for it? And why would I jump to conclusions about what people are thinking about me? If they want to assume it means I'm single, then they are free to do so. I don't see why such an assumption should affect my self worth.

(And I'm guilty of not wearing a wedding ring myself due the work that I do..)

People need to spend more time focusing on themselves when out in public instead of looking for looks or branding  that may or may not be there or mean what they think they mean.


Quoting justone_jen:

Really? You've never noticed while pregnant that people look at your belly and then immediately at your ring finger? I'm guilty of it myself, if I'm to be completely honest. I don't judge anyone who doesn't have a ring on, but I'm just curious, I guess.


Quoting Liyoness:


What do you mean you get "looks" when out in public? How would anyone know you're single? My DH works away from home and we are rarely seen in public together! (In fact, my coworkers just met him recently after me working for the company for five years!) No one ever gives me "looks", although I'm sure at stores I'm a "regular" at, some must assume it.


I think sometimes people (such as yourself) read too much into things.


Quoting Singlemominit:


I totally know how you feel girly. My little one hasnt gotten here yet but everywhere I go...always with the looks. I had one man ask me which path to hell Ive chosen! And in my situation...the dad walked off. Turns out (I found out he has a son and I tracked down the mom) hes all sorts of crazy. Yet...Im the one that gets the looks. His grandmother literally thinks he is a saint and blames it on us, the mothers. I had a user on here see my name and saw that I was pregnant and she goes wait...youre single AND pregnant? yes I am, so fucking what? its 2012 PEOPLE!!




I had a family friend laugh when I told him my situation and said 'good luck ever finding a man that wants you now. I know if I was single, I wouldnt even look at you because you have another mans child and he didnt stick around'


people. fucking. suck.




 


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Liyoness
by on Aug. 23, 2012 at 12:38 PM
I am on a high horse because I am suggesting that people stop looking for insult?
No, it's my children and my shopping/activity which are distracting. I don't have time or interest to pick apart others or analyze how they are judging me.
I'm sure those looks happen, but not nearly as frequently as people interpret.
It isn't being observant that causes one to notice these constant glares. Life is a lot happier when you are not wandering around insecure reading into glances from others. Far fewer people care about your marital status than you believe. And, as I have proven, one cannot determine marital status just by looking at a person.


Quoting justone_jen:

All I was responding to was your apprehension about this being a reality. It happens. That's great for you that you are oblivious. I'm sure the view up there on your horse is distracting.



People are readable. Sure, it's an assumption that the person glaring from your belly to your ring finger and then giving a dirty look is thinking badly of you, but it's likely a pretty solid assumption. Some of us are very in tune with physical communication. Yes, there are times when one makes an incorrect assumption, and I'm not arguing that. It's a survival instinct, and usually not even intentional.




Quoting Liyoness:

No, never. Why would I notice such a thing, or care to look for it? And why would I jump to conclusions about what people are thinking about me? If they want to assume it means I'm single, then they are free to do so. I don't see why such an assumption should affect my self worth.

(And I'm guilty of not wearing a wedding ring myself due the work that I do..)

People need to spend more time focusing on themselves when out in public instead of looking for looks or branding  that may or may not be there or mean what they think they mean.



Quoting justone_jen:

Really? You've never noticed while pregnant that people look at your belly and then immediately at your ring finger? I'm guilty of it myself, if I'm to be completely honest. I don't judge anyone who doesn't have a ring on, but I'm just curious, I guess.



Quoting Liyoness:



What do you mean you get "looks" when out in public? How would anyone know you're single? My DH works away from home and we are rarely seen in public together! (In fact, my coworkers just met him recently after me working for the company for five years!) No one ever gives me "looks", although I'm sure at stores I'm a "regular" at, some must assume it.



I think sometimes people (such as yourself) read too much into things.



Quoting Singlemominit:



I totally know how you feel girly. My little one hasnt gotten here yet but everywhere I go...always with the looks. I had one man ask me which path to hell Ive chosen! And in my situation...the dad walked off. Turns out (I found out he has a son and I tracked down the mom) hes all sorts of crazy. Yet...Im the one that gets the looks. His grandmother literally thinks he is a saint and blames it on us, the mothers. I had a user on here see my name and saw that I was pregnant and she goes wait...youre single AND pregnant? yes I am, so fucking what? its 2012 PEOPLE!!






I had a family friend laugh when I told him my situation and said 'good luck ever finding a man that wants you now. I know if I was single, I wouldnt even look at you because you have another mans child and he didnt stick around'



people. fucking. suck.






 



Posted on CafeMom Mobile
justone_jen
by on Aug. 23, 2012 at 12:51 PM
Oh please, you've been condescending from the start. You don't have time, yet you've picked apart the OP for her "choice" in men. Ironic.

It doesn't take a whole lot of effort to read a person's demeanor. It's almost subconscious. It's instinctual; it's science. How one processes those assumptions, or how they react, is individual, but we all read each other constantly, mostly for protection.

Whether you want to believe it or not, it happens. I'm not saying you should give a shit what people think, or put too much thought into it, but to pretend we all incorrectly assume things communicated through body language is ignorant.


Quoting Liyoness:

I am on a high horse because I am suggesting that people stop looking for insult?

No, it's my children and my shopping/activity which are distracting. I don't have time or interest to pick apart others or analyze how they are judging me.

I'm sure those looks happen, but not nearly as frequently as people interpret.

It isn't being observant that causes one to notice these constant glares. Life is a lot happier when you are not wandering around insecure reading into glances from others. Far fewer people care about your marital status than you believe. And, as I have proven, one cannot determine marital status just by looking at a person.




Quoting justone_jen:

All I was responding to was your apprehension about this being a reality. It happens. That's great for you that you are oblivious. I'm sure the view up there on your horse is distracting.





People are readable. Sure, it's an assumption that the person glaring from your belly to your ring finger and then giving a dirty look is thinking badly of you, but it's likely a pretty solid assumption. Some of us are very in tune with physical communication. Yes, there are times when one makes an incorrect assumption, and I'm not arguing that. It's a survival instinct, and usually not even intentional.






Quoting Liyoness:

No, never. Why would I notice such a thing, or care to look for it? And why would I jump to conclusions about what people are thinking about me? If they want to assume it means I'm single, then they are free to do so. I don't see why such an assumption should affect my self worth.

(And I'm guilty of not wearing a wedding ring myself due the work that I do..)

People need to spend more time focusing on themselves when out in public instead of looking for looks or branding  that may or may not be there or mean what they think they mean.




Quoting justone_jen:

Really? You've never noticed while pregnant that people look at your belly and then immediately at your ring finger? I'm guilty of it myself, if I'm to be completely honest. I don't judge anyone who doesn't have a ring on, but I'm just curious, I guess.




Quoting Liyoness:




What do you mean you get "looks" when out in public? How would anyone know you're single? My DH works away from home and we are rarely seen in public together! (In fact, my coworkers just met him recently after me working for the company for five years!) No one ever gives me "looks", although I'm sure at stores I'm a "regular" at, some must assume it.




I think sometimes people (such as yourself) read too much into things.




Quoting Singlemominit:




I totally know how you feel girly. My little one hasnt gotten here yet but everywhere I go...always with the looks. I had one man ask me which path to hell Ive chosen! And in my situation...the dad walked off. Turns out (I found out he has a son and I tracked down the mom) hes all sorts of crazy. Yet...Im the one that gets the looks. His grandmother literally thinks he is a saint and blames it on us, the mothers. I had a user on here see my name and saw that I was pregnant and she goes wait...youre single AND pregnant? yes I am, so fucking what? its 2012 PEOPLE!!








I had a family friend laugh when I told him my situation and said 'good luck ever finding a man that wants you now. I know if I was single, I wouldnt even look at you because you have another mans child and he didnt stick around'




people. fucking. suck.








 



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