Dating men without kids...is it possible to make it work?
I am 30, divorced and a mother of two (4yo girl and 6yo boy). My ex husband and I have 50/50 custody. I have been dating a wonderful man for about 2 months now. He is 35, never been married, has no kids and I am the first single mom he has dated. Very early on we talked about what we wanted from a relationship. He said he has always wanted a family of his own but realizes the older he gets the more difficult it becomes to find a suitable partner who wants to have a family but doesn't have any kids yet. His last serious relationship lasted 5 years and the woman did not have any desire to get married or have children. He said he didn't want to rule out a potentially rewarding relationship with a woman just because she has kids and may or may not want more children and he was fine with being a part of a child's life even if they were his step-kids. I explained that if I remarried, having a child with my new husband is not out of the question. I also told him I was looking for a man who can support me emotionally, form a loving relationship with my kids and be a role model but I do not expect him to come in and take over being their father. I thought we were on the same page about this issue and things were going really well. He met my kids once during a very casual outing to a park and it couldn't have gone better! They took up with him so well and had a blast! He sat and talked with my daughter who had a broken leg at the time and couldn't really do very much and he took my son down to the lake to do "boy stuff". He was really great and before leaving he expressed how enjoyable it was and it gave him yet another reason to want to date me. Well, recently I felt he was pulling back a little and I asked him what was wrong. He explained he was dealing with some issues about being in a serious relationship with someone who has kids, that if we were going to continue the relationship he needed to be 100% sure he was ok with stepping in to a ready-made family and he needed some time to figure out what he really wants. I am leaving for vacation today and I asked if he wanted to hold off on seeing me for a while. He said he didn't, that he wants to see me when I get back and we would talk about it more.
I am very glad he takes this relationship seriously and wants to make sure he can give me and my kids what we need and deserve but now I am feeling extremely vulnerable. I thought we were already "cleared for take-off" in that department and this really threw me for a loop. Is anyone else in a relationship with a man who doesn't have kids? Or who has a child with you and you have a child/children from a previous relationship? I plan on giving my guy space and time to think but is there any other advice you would have? Any way to ease his fears and take some of the pressure off?
i only would date a man with no kids simply because I would never want to intertwine other kids for my kids sake. I sound selfish but it's my kids or no kids LOL. I think if he would give it a chance he would enjoy very much but you have to see if from his point of view also. I am sure it is hard since he desires kids of his own. If he is not good with it then so be it..... just let it take it's course. I have been single 7 years though and do not desire a man in my life at all right now.
even for guys with kids it can be hard for a man to take on the responsibility of being a role model for kids of the woman he is dating. I think, from my experience anyway, that it is difficult for some men to understand the concept of not necessarily being a "dad figure" to our kids but still caring about them and being a mentor. I think it is easier for men who have nieces or nephews they're close to or have been a teacher or a mentor to kids to understand that relationship.
I dated a few men without kids and in the end it didn't work out. but that doesn't mean it can't. it is just up to the individuals and the situation. sometimes I think that it is more difficult when the bio dad IS still involved because there is a fear of overstepping his boundary, or competing for the children's attention. kwim?
My sister met a man with no kids who had no problem stepping in and being dad. my neices' bio dad was in prison. everything was fine until it got close to his release date and then my sister's husband started acting weird because he didn't like the idea of their bio dad being back around. (he was deported so he is 100% out of the picture) so things are fine now.
my boyfriend has a son of his own, and even having a kid, he is still a bit stand off-ish about being a "dad figure" to Lila, even though I told him he doesn't need to be (her dad still sees her sometimes) he WANTS to be, because he knows her dad isn't around enough, but then that desire to be that also can be problematic because he's never been in that ituation before and it scares him.
anyway all this rambling.. the point is that it's definitely possible, but it takes work and effort and you both have to want it, because you'll have to work for it, just like any other relationship!
I'm 33 been divorced for over a year and was recently dating a 35 yr old man who has never been married and no kids. My son goes to his dad's every other weekend but that isn't consistent because my ex-husband travels a lot for his job. Between working full time and being a mom we didn't see each other much and he told me that when he dates someone he usually sees them all the time. Well obviously he knew my situation when he met me so we decided to end it. I think it can work and he is being upfront and honest but if you feel in your gut it isn't going to work I would walk away now before more feelings are invested.
he sounds mature and a good communicator. at this point all you can do is wait and see. i would try to focus on other things and remind myself that if this doesnt work, there will always be someone else out there, there is someone for everyone.
He sounds like a really good Guy BUT IMO, IF he has to second guess wanting a Relationship with you just because you have Kids.. It would be a turn off for me.
Your a Package and any MAN that TRUELY loves you shouldnt have to think about wanting to be with you because of your Kids. He should accept you with whatever you have to offer and be great with it.
I can see him being a lilttle weary but IMO, now this is just my opinion..If he cared, he wouldnt of even made that statement. He would say, "I know you have Kids and I accept and love you and lets make this work".
IF Any Man that I dated questioned being with me because I had Kids would never see me again.
My Kids mean the WORLD to me and Im sure urs do too.
I was expecting to reading you all had a wonderful day and he wanted to commit but he didnt. Hes second guessing himself and any Man second guessing because I have Kids, would be History! But again, thats just the way I feel..
I hope it works out!!
Hi and welcome to the group.
I think your doing a great job handling it all. Only you know for certain what will hold the two of you together or not.
Woohoo, we've decided to file for divorce
Do you think you'll ever remarry/get married?
- jnt1981
on Sep. 5, 2012 at 10:36 AM