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Single Mom Advice for Absent Fathers

Posted by on Sep. 11, 2012 at 3:12 PM
  • 22 Replies
1 mom liked this

I saw this advice on (of all places) the Dr. Phil website.  Now, I'm not a huge fan of his or anything, but I do think this is sound advice for some of the issues I see single mothers dealing with:

"If you're a single mother, you may have to deal with a father who isn't very involved in your child's life. How you explain the situation to your child is important. Dr. Phil shares his advice:

1.  Realize that no matter what you do, you can't force your child's father to be involved.
2.  Although having a father figure is important, it's not everything. As a good mother, you don't need a father to raise your child in a quality fashion.
3.  Forcing a reluctant father to talk on the phone will only confuse your child.
4.  If you try to force a relationship with a father who doesn't want one, your child is bound to feel disappointed and rejected.
5.  Don't talk negatively about your child's father, but don't glorify him, either.
6.  Leave the door open for responsible contact between the father and your child."

by on Sep. 11, 2012 at 3:12 PM
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Replies (1-10):
mytrueloveS
by Lori on Sep. 11, 2012 at 3:21 PM

That's true.  I tried forcing my ex to be involved in my child's life, big mistake.  I learned from it though, my son is happy with just mommy.  

brieri
by Platinum Member on Sep. 11, 2012 at 3:28 PM
2 moms liked this

 Hi and welcome to the group.

That's all said and dandy, but the problem when the courts say child has the rights to call absent parent, where do they get the advice from? Especially when absent parent has no rights not to contact child's primary home.  They weren't in court to hear that stuff - so is it mom's fault or is it dad's fault when dad has children in the home?

mmtosam06
by Bronze Member on Sep. 11, 2012 at 3:33 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree with this I dont speak of my ex ill or what not in front of dd because she will come to realize who he is on her own. I tried once to get her to talk to him he just hung up on her who the heck does that to their own child. She is happy and well adjusted child and this happened 3years ago so no big deal she is good and thriving in school so far

Michellio
by on Sep. 11, 2012 at 3:33 PM

Not sure if I'm fully understanding the situation involved in your post.  But, I think it's a difference between a simple: "Your father wasn't ready to be a father and chose not to be invovled.  So you might not have a father, but you have so much more (then list all the people who do love and support the child)" and then, on the other hand, constantly bashing the dad and saying "well, he just doesn't want anything to do with Jr., even though I tried to make him, and I have to do it all on my own, etc."  I think talk like that makes the child feel rejected by the father and then like a burden on the mother at the same time.

 

That's all said and dandy, but the problem when the courts say child has the rights to call absent parent, where do they get the advice from? Especially when absent parent has no rights not to contact child's primary home. They weren't in court to hear that stuff - so is it mom's fault or is it dad's fault when dad has children in the home?

Blessed_Mommy87
by on Sep. 11, 2012 at 3:50 PM
I agree learned that the hard way with my ex, but after a year he finally came around and has the kids now and suprisingly he is doing a really good job with them. It takes time with some.
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brieri
by Platinum Member on Sep. 11, 2012 at 4:11 PM

 

Quoting Michellio:

Not sure if I'm fully understanding the situation involved in your post.  But, I think it's a difference between a simple: "Your father wasn't ready to be a father and chose not to be invovled.  So you might not have a father, but you have so much more (then list all the people who do love and support the child)" and then, on the other hand, constantly bashing the dad and saying "well, he just doesn't want anything to do with Jr., even though I tried to make him, and I have to do it all on my own, etc."  I think talk like that makes the child feel rejected by the father and then like a burden on the mother at the same time.

 

That's all said and dandy, but the problem when the courts say child has the rights to call absent parent, where do they get the advice from? Especially when absent parent has no rights not to contact child's primary home. They weren't in court to hear that stuff - so is it mom's fault or is it dad's fault when dad has children in the home?

 Actually the bio father has the children and I am bm.  The court told me i could not make phone calls or visits to my children, but they were.  The children were never in court to hear the situation, so who's to say the kids want to call mom, by what if dad says no, she's sick or gives some other line that is not the truth?    Or perhaps the kdis never bothered asking to call mom.  Don't you think in this respect the father has something to say to the children or does he have obligation to keeping quiet.  I mean these kids are verry confused, after seeing a professional counselor during 5 years while my ex and I've been through custody case.  Stopped all of sudden after the custody case was over.

Michellio
by on Sep. 11, 2012 at 4:18 PM

Now I understand better.  I do sympathize with your situation, and that's really unfortunate.  But in your case you want to have contact with the children, but are being prevented from it, and that's really sad!  A lot of absent dads just don't want any contact and don't want the responsibility of children, so why force it if they're only going to disappoint the kids.  But I am very sad for your kids and I just hope that someday you'll get to be in their lives.

Quoting brieri:

 

Quoting Michellio:

Not sure if I'm fully understanding the situation involved in your post.  But, I think it's a difference between a simple: "Your father wasn't ready to be a father and chose not to be invovled.  So you might not have a father, but you have so much more (then list all the people who do love and support the child)" and then, on the other hand, constantly bashing the dad and saying "well, he just doesn't want anything to do with Jr., even though I tried to make him, and I have to do it all on my own, etc."  I think talk like that makes the child feel rejected by the father and then like a burden on the mother at the same time.

 

That's all said and dandy, but the problem when the courts say child has the rights to call absent parent, where do they get the advice from? Especially when absent parent has no rights not to contact child's primary home. They weren't in court to hear that stuff - so is it mom's fault or is it dad's fault when dad has children in the home?

 Actually the bio father has the children and I am bm.  The court told me i could not make phone calls or visits to my children, but they were.  The children were never in court to hear the situation, so who's to say the kids want to call mom, by what if dad says no, she's sick or gives some other line that is not the truth?    Or perhaps the kdis never bothered asking to call mom.  Don't you think in this respect the father has something to say to the children or does he have obligation to keeping quiet.  I mean these kids are verry confused, after seeing a professional counselor during 5 years while my ex and I've been through custody case.  Stopped all of sudden after the custody case was over.


brieri
by Platinum Member on Sep. 11, 2012 at 4:32 PM

 Thank you.   I hope so too.  Before it's too late! So much to tell them.

Quoting Michellio:

Now I understand better.  I do sympathize with your situation, and that's really unfortunate.  But in your case you want to have contact with the children, but are being prevented from it, and that's really sad!  A lot of absent dads just don't want any contact and don't want the responsibility of children, so why force it if they're only going to disappoint the kids.  But I am very sad for your kids and I just hope that someday you'll get to be in their lives.

Quoting brieri:

 

Quoting Michellio:

Not sure if I'm fully understanding the situation involved in your post.  But, I think it's a difference between a simple: "Your father wasn't ready to be a father and chose not to be invovled.  So you might not have a father, but you have so much more (then list all the people who do love and support the child)" and then, on the other hand, constantly bashing the dad and saying "well, he just doesn't want anything to do with Jr., even though I tried to make him, and I have to do it all on my own, etc."  I think talk like that makes the child feel rejected by the father and then like a burden on the mother at the same time.

 

That's all said and dandy, but the problem when the courts say child has the rights to call absent parent, where do they get the advice from? Especially when absent parent has no rights not to contact child's primary home. They weren't in court to hear that stuff - so is it mom's fault or is it dad's fault when dad has children in the home?

 Actually the bio father has the children and I am bm.  The court told me i could not make phone calls or visits to my children, but they were.  The children were never in court to hear the situation, so who's to say the kids want to call mom, by what if dad says no, she's sick or gives some other line that is not the truth?    Or perhaps the kdis never bothered asking to call mom.  Don't you think in this respect the father has something to say to the children or does he have obligation to keeping quiet.  I mean these kids are verry confused, after seeing a professional counselor during 5 years while my ex and I've been through custody case.  Stopped all of sudden after the custody case was over.

 

 

Robsessed98
by on Sep. 11, 2012 at 6:04 PM
1 mom liked this
Im not a fan of his either but he is spot on with that advice.
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faerie75
by Ruby Member on Sep. 11, 2012 at 6:50 PM

 i totally agree with all ofi it

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