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When DOES and DOESN'T Dad deserve contact?

Posted by on Sep. 21, 2012 at 2:12 PM
  • 38 Replies

OK I'm new to CafeMom and had a bit of a wake-up call my first week!!

A lot of nastiness, name-calling and people who just want you to reinforce their own opinions rather than genuinely seeking support.

And a lot of intelligent, capable, interesting women here. :) 

So here's the question--what does your BD have to do or be, to deserve to be in your child's life? 

What are the deal breakers? 

There was something on NPR not too long ago that showed that even if a kid's father is a violent criminal, the child benefits from having some contact and interaction with him. Made me think...

I'm a little shocked by some moms who are very proud of excluding the father even if he wants contact, either because things didn't work out between them, because he has a new gf, because he drank, dumped her, etc. (I know I've done some of  things from time to time myself).  I was kicked out of one group of young single mothers for saying that I lived through him dumping me when I was pregnant and now that she's older, I can really see how hurtful it was in the long run, that her father wasn't part of her life.  They didn't want to hear that. The owner wanted to sell her book about how to make the father so discouraged that he finally gives up, how to get more social services rather than file for child support, etc. 





by on Sep. 21, 2012 at 2:12 PM
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Replies (1-10):
PaperClip811
by Silver Member on Sep. 21, 2012 at 2:30 PM
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My only real complete deal breakers would be if he himself were to, or knowingly allowed someone else to, injure, abuse or neglect our child. There are other situations that would warrant different levels of contact or various stipulations (supervised, or parenting classes, drug testing etc...) but I am of the opinion that a child benefits from knowing both parents, and being given the opportunity to have them in their life. If a parent chooses to be absent, then it is what it is... there are too many particulars in each and every case to speak too generally, but there just aren't that many cases where I think the parent deserves NO contact, no rights, nothing. 

steviechick
by Gold Member on Sep. 21, 2012 at 2:52 PM

In my case - the gf (homewrecker and children born of wedlock) would never have contact with my child. 

If my ex and I had a minor child I would have made sure that the gf (now wife) and kids from this affair were not allowed anywhere near our minor child.  I know there will a lot that won't agree with me on this but it's my opinion and I firmly believe in it.  My ex and the gf decided to cheat behind my back when they both knew I had no knowledge of their affair.  Despite what my ex had told his gf she had no right to sleep with him and spend time with him while we were married - period.   There has to be respect between a man and wife.  IF the man decides to chase around behind his wife's back with a co-worker, friend, or whatever, the gf has no right to be a part of my child's life.  The children born from this relationship are the result of two people NOT having any respect for me.  Yes, they are innocent in all of this madness.  Born simply because they were created by two disgusting human beings.  And, besides, these children would always be a constant reminder of their own father's disrespect towards me as I'm the mother of his child.  There would be no reason for a 'happy family' scenario.

I agree with PaperClip811.  If my ex had turned into an abuser or was mentally unstable I would make sure during the divorce settlement that he have no contact with our child.  He would be at a high risk of child abuse to our own child.  I woudn't tolerate any visitations with him at all.

bjane01
by Member on Sep. 21, 2012 at 3:04 PM
4 moms liked this
Only abuse would qualify for no parent contact. All children should know both parents. It is never about the parents feelings or who wronged whom. It is in the best interest of the child to be loved by all parental figures or siblings in their lives.
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LA09TKP
by on Sep. 21, 2012 at 3:04 PM
1 mom liked this
My daughters father is in prison for 50 yrs, and I keep in contact with him, send pictures, all of that. Yes, he did incredibly dumb things, but she still needs to know who he is.
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recovered55
by on Sep. 21, 2012 at 3:42 PM
1 mom liked this
The father of my child hit me and put me in the hospital when I asked him to get up and help with out son. We have been apart 6 months and he's seen him maybe 6 times, never calls, and has sent me a total of 300 dollars. He never holds him, changes him, or does anything fatherly when he is near him. I will allow supervised visitation.
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Barblicious
by on Sep. 21, 2012 at 5:48 PM
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Perspective... my mother was adopted. She was raised by two lovely adoptive parents who provided her with everything. BUT my mother still wanted to KNOW who her real mother and father were. All her life she wondered. She is 65 now and just this year, we finally found out who her GENETIC mother was, and it turns out my mother has several sisters. The ‘family' is all meeting for the first time and we are all very happy to have connected.

In the end it is NOT about the parents. It is about the child.

In the end it is about an innate desire that we human beings have to KNOW where we came from.

That is why you should allow your child contact with their biological parent no matter how much you might not like it. It is for your child - so they know who they are. Not allowing a parent access to their child out of spite is only going to hurt your image - your child will resent you for withholding that knowledge from them.

If that parent is truly NOT WORTHY, in the end the child will see that, learn that and know that from their experiences with them, and the child will decide to end the relationship.

PS, I agree, abuse or neglect that brought harm to my child would bring down the hammer.

amylulu1
by on Sep. 21, 2012 at 6:33 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree with paperclip!  

I try to keep parental issues between the parents- why should the child be burdened with our problems?  Resentment and bitterness to an ex and that being expressed to the child will just lead to the child being resentful of the mother for creating that burden and confusion within them.   I allowed my children to base their opinions of their father based on their relationship--not ours and what he might have done to me.  I think it depends on the mother's maturity level and the ability to rise above all the nonsense and be the bigger person. 

Quoting PaperClip811:

My only real complete deal breakers would be if he himself were to, or knowingly allowed someone else to, injure, abuse or neglect our child. There are other situations that would warrant different levels of contact or various stipulations (supervised, or parenting classes, drug testing etc...) but I am of the opinion that a child benefits from knowing both parents, and being given the opportunity to have them in their life. If a parent chooses to be absent, then it is what it is... there are too many particulars in each and every case to speak too generally, but there just aren't that many cases where I think the parent deserves NO contact, no rights, nothing. 

 

mrsary
by Silver Member on Sep. 21, 2012 at 6:42 PM
Dealbreaker is if he abuses the kids.
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Andrewsmom70
by Silver Member on Sep. 21, 2012 at 6:48 PM
A child is not a pawn and should never be used as such. Anyone that does that is a horrible parent.
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lydi
by Lydi on Sep. 21, 2012 at 6:48 PM
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 i let my ex be in her life mutliple times and time after time he would "abandon" her for one stupid reason or another.  i even hung out with his now ex and their newborn so she could spend time with him and would bring her to him a lot. after all the times he left her life she ended up needing therapy. he had many chance but i am done. so if someday he wants to be a part of her life he will have to take me to court and if the courts order visitation or whatever i will abide by it, except i will never let her go to where he is currently living, it is dirty and unsafe (that part was in the original divorce decree).  i agree a father should have a chance to be in a childs life but hurting that child (especially more than once) in any way shape or form crosses the line in my opinion.  if he never hurt her and wanted to be a part of her life i would have no problem and i would want her to know her father better.

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