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step parents boundaries

Posted by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 9:51 PM
  • 13 Replies
My sons fathers wife has been in his life since he was about 7mths old. And now that he is 3 he knows who everyone is. She has taught him to call her mommy and i find that extremely disrespectful. I could understand if the mother was not in the picture however i am, and much more than her (80/20 custody). I have told her before not to have him call her that and she no she would never, but yet he does and she doesnt correct him. How do i address this situation or do i wait til he gets older since he will then know i am his mother and she is his step parent IF she is still in the picture.
by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 9:51 PM
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by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 9:54 PM

Are you sure she taught him and he that he didn't just pick it up on his own?

by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 9:57 PM
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 He knows your still his mother.  As fo the father's wife there probably isn't much you can do.  Because you got to think if was the reversal and you tell your son the man in your life or the man in your life tells your son he can call him dad, would you accept that anymore than the bio dad being angry over it?  Something to think about. 

As they say pick your battles where it counts the most.

by Bronze Member on Sep. 24, 2012 at 9:59 PM

Why do you say 'if' she is still in the picture? They are married and together for almost 3 years, does it seem like one of them is about to all of a sudden leave?

My take is very different I know than a lot of other people on here but I don't see the problem with a child calling a step parent mom or dad if that is what the child feels comfortable calling them. A parent did a good job picking a mate if their child feels comfortable and loved enough to call their step parent mom or dad.

by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 10:02 PM
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I think you should teach him that you are his mommy and she is daddy's wife and state her name. You can go to a library and pick up a book about blended families. I believe this will help him understand the difference. Its possible that he gets confused.
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by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 10:05 PM

no. i am not 100% sure, we do not get along so i could be just assuming, but she is EXTREMELY spiteful and crosses many other boundaries so i would think yes. however, i feel out of respect that she should correct him and say no my name is ______. if i was having someone in his life i would out of respect not let my son call another man daddy because he has a daddy who is in his life. i may be wrong, so any advice or thoughts are greatly appreciated.

by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 10:13 PM
My bf's dd starting calling me mom. Her mom wasn't around as much as she have been. Personally, I know it was a term of endearment that the dd didn't fully grasp, but I didn't want to ignore her either. So I called her my handsome son back do the dd knew I was playing with her, and both those names aren't our names. Sometimes I call her mom as role-playing.

I hope that the bio mom on my end doesn't take that as wrong. I wouldn't want to ignore the child.
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by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 10:31 PM
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It's a fight you won't win and it's a fight you shouldn't fight. I know from experience with my son. Stepmom is mom when you aren't around and he loves her. Let him call her whatever makes him comfortable. He knows you are mom and around way more so correction is just making a bigger deal than necessary and will only make your child feel bad- like he has to pick sides.

I know it hurts but you're an adult and you have way more coping skills than your child.
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by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 11:28 PM

I personally wouldn't want someone I'm with, if got that far and seroius dad. I remember with my fourths dad, before his spaz out my son on accident calling him dad when asking for a drink. An I corrected him, said it's so an so hunny. My then bf said its ok, I said no it's not they have a father. I was told by my ex dh, don't let him father my children and he was dating his now wife. I said well same here with you, and my then bf wasn't doing a thing to over cross. As his now wife does, and has. My kids call her by her name, they know I'm mom and raised them mainly on my own. Even in the marriage with my ex, he didn't step in to do a thing to lend an hand. He still doesn't, he has her doing everything and I got into him recently during a school event. An open house they had, she went and a teacher called her mom to her asking who I was. I took her hand, and said I'm the real mom she's the step mom. 

Ex dh has pushed her so into the mom role, not even giving her limits and the moment I got out the house. Less then two wks, had them meet her him not finished with divorce papers with me. The real mother, the only woman they saw daddy with for most their lives. I tell him now how he told me, with my was bf don't let her mother my children. Telling him, remember telling me that? She has gotten the idea, and has backed down more then not on certain area's she got too over bounderies with. My ex got the ear full, not her fault since he allows her to do so. Glad she cares for our children, loves them yet I'm not dead an still present in their lives. 

by Ruby Member on Sep. 25, 2012 at 12:32 AM
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Is he making him call her that?

My 4 year old step son sometimes calls me mom. I tell him "no mommys at her house" and he says "no! You're my mom!" If he keeps on I just move to another subject. I am in no way having this kid call me mom and I know she would hate it.
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by Bronze Member on Sep. 25, 2012 at 9:20 AM

I just had this situation happen to me and I talked to my son about it-cause he's 6.  My ex just got married and I found out quite by accident last week that he's been calling her mom.  We've discussed the rules--like when we're all together, I'm mom, and when he's talking to me about her, then for confusion sake, he needs to refer to her as Kiana.  But when they're home or with their circle of friends, I'm content to know that he feels comfortable enough with her to call her mom.  This did take some getting used to though, and it still feels like he's stabbing me in the back, but he knows I'm his mom and that will never change.  

This is not to say that I didn't get really upset and tell my ex that the conversation about what he would call her did not include me.  You really need to work together for the good of the children, otherwise they're going to end up like f'd up little things--and this is coming from a person who lived it!  My mom was so angry with my dad that she packed up everything while he was at work (I was 3, my sis was 4) and we literally didn't see him until 9 yrs later when my mom died.  I'm now 37 and I'm just getting to really know him.

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