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UPDATED - New Member - Should I tell him he is going to be a father again?

Posted by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 2:02 PM
  • 53 Replies

 

Poll

Question: Does he deserve to know about the new child or should I shelter the new child for an absentee dad?

Options:

Yes, he needs to know

No, because he wont even be there


Only group members can vote in this poll.

Total Votes: 40

View Results

Hi Everyone, a friend of mine told me about CM and I though I would try it. I'm 28 yo , living in NYC, and I have a 5 yo boy name Jacob. I work very hard and most days I can pride myself in being a wonderful mom to a very well adjusted child. But today is not one of those days, today I found/confirmed that I'm 5 weeks pregnant with ex husband child. We have been divorced for two years and he is the father of my son, from a financial stand point he a very good provider, he has a six figure salary and  has always paid more then the recommend child support in our state, as well as pays for our son's extra activities and private school. But he is a very absentee father, he works out of the country a lot and when he is here in the states work always takes priority over anything else, which is the reason we divorced. His mentality has been work as the first, second and third priority followed by his needs, and then our son's. We have had an very good relationship during our divorce and while figuring out how to raise our son,  he has even tried to start to make more of an effort to communicate with our son, they will skype or facetime every day, he will email him, send him photos of where he is and send our son gifts but all these things happen on his terms, we have to work around his schedule and when he is the state he has made much improvement to come physically visit, I'm ashamed to say that he has seen our son three times this entire year. The first weekend of when school started he took the entire weekend off and took us away on a mini vacation, to tell our son that he did a great job with his first week of big boy school, it was wonderful to see him with our son, he is an amazing father when he is present , it move me so much that we end up sleeping together and now I"m pregnant. I don't know how to tell him or whether I want to admit to him that it's his, I don't know how to shelter our son from thinking we are back together or how to shelter this new child from growing up with disappointment with a dad that can't make time from him. I already have a child is upset by his dad not being there can I really do this to another child?


I'm sorry it's a long post but I just needed to get it out there, at least say it out loud. Thank you for those of read it. 


****** I will be having a conversation with my ex when he comes back to the country and I'm not doing it because he deserves to know but because I have always been honest with my son and there is no point in being dishonest with this new child. There is also the fact that regardless of how I feel and how things will be, we have had a respectful relationship after our divorce and in order to keep that intact, he must know.  I want to thank those of you that gave me some very valid advice without passing judgement, I did very much appericiate that. I will post a follow up once we have talked.

by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 2:02 PM
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Replies (1-10):
brieri
by Platinum Member on Oct. 2, 2012 at 2:08 PM

 Welcome to the group.

There is a time and way to tell your ex and you will figure it out.  Goodluck.

steviechick
by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 2:12 PM

I think you should at least tell your ex that he's going to be a father once again.  He has the right to know he's going to be a father again.  If he wants to be in this child's life then he will.  He doens't have a very good record of being a decent father.  It will be his call to make in the future.  I wish you good luck with this.  But, my gut feeling is that your ex already has behavior issues that he's proven with your son. 

victoriahearts
by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 3:05 PM

Thanks and we'll see it's still very early on I have too have an ultrasound at 8 weeks since I almost miscarried my son. 

Quoting brieri:

 Welcome to the group.

There is a time and way to tell your ex and you will figure it out.  Goodluck.


victoriahearts
by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 3:07 PM

We'll see , right now I do't feel like he has the right to know, maybe my mind will change but as you had he has already prove the type of father he is, so why bother telling him if I know the outcome?

Quoting steviechick:

I think you should at least tell your ex that he's going to be a father once again.  He has the right to know he's going to be a father again.  If he wants to be in this child's life then he will.  He doens't have a very good record of being a decent father.  It will be his call to make in the future.  I wish you good luck with this.  But, my gut feeling is that your ex already has behavior issues that he's proven with your son. 


MissTuree
by Bronze Member on Oct. 2, 2012 at 3:17 PM
5 moms liked this

Putting myself in your shoes, I could care less what he "deserves". I chose that he should know because what are you going to tell your oldest? He already knows who his dad is, are you just going to say that his new sibling has no dad? Are you going to raise your new child to think they have no dad out there while your oldest gets pictures and sees his dad 3 times a year? Even though he may not be as active as you want, he is involved and I don't see how you can pull off having him be involved in your oldest life and yet keep your youngest in the dark.

victoriahearts
by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 3:22 PM

Thank you for seeing it from my point of view, he doesn't deserve it and honestly I haven't worked out everything but right now, there is not one bone in my body that wants to tell him he is about it, maybe I'm so upset at him because I'm so upset at myself right now but I can't see how he deserve to know.

Quoting MissTuree:

Putting myself in your shoes, I could care less what he "deserves". I chose that he should know because what are you going to tell your oldest? He already knows who his dad is, are you just going to say that his new sibling has no dad? Are you going to raise your new child to think they have no dad out there while your oldest gets pictures and sees his dad 3 times a year? Even though he may not be as active as you want, he is involved and I don't see how you can pull off having him be involved in your oldest life and yet keep your youngest in the dark.


faerie75
by Ruby Member on Oct. 2, 2012 at 3:23 PM

 of course you should tell him. he deserves to know, as the baby will deserve to know where he or she came from.

happymommy1105
by Gold Member on Oct. 2, 2012 at 3:25 PM
3 moms liked this
Yes you should tell him.

While he isn't the father you want him to be, compared to what most of us have to deal with, he is holding his own and at least trying.
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victoriahearts
by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 3:31 PM

If I tell him it's not because he deserves to know but because I think he should know. Because if we are going to go down the line of what he deserve, or what i think he deserve it's not a pleasant list right now.

Quoting faerie75:

 of course you should tell him. he deserves to know, as the baby will deserve to know where he or she came from.


victoriahearts
by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 3:32 PM

I understand that and I am aware that financially he is the perfect father and I'm very lucky not to be struggling thanks to him in that aspect, but emotionally I have been struggling for years.

Quoting happymommy1105:

Yes you should tell him.

While he isn't the father you want him to be, compared to what most of us have to deal with, he is holding his own and at least trying.


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