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illegitmate child by an illegal alien

Posted by on Oct. 5, 2012 at 11:27 AM
  • 53 Replies

 Im a new member to this site and have, and have  since I found out I was pregnant, some conflicted feelings about recognizing my newest addition, my daughter, as a part of the family and loving her the way a parent should and taking care of her above and beyond the basic amt. of care required. Dont get me wrong, I feel TERRIBLE saying this and totally understand its not right and I dont always have these feelings towards her but at times I do and I cant help the fact that these feelings come up at times. A liltle history, I have two amazing sons by my ex-husband who is still in the picture and we share joint custody of them but during my divorce I was dating a great guy, so I thought, with 2 kids of his own who he raised on his own for roughly 10yrs. During our 4 months of dating my birth control had been recalled for 5 months of which I didnt get the letter from pharmacy until 2 months after I found out I was prego. He seemed happy, promised to stay around but had hard time finding work and kept returning to Texas for 2-4 months at a time to save money. I didnt really want a long-term relationship with this man as good as he seemed,l I was in middle of divorce for heavens sake. Needless to say, after going to Texas the last time he told me he wasn't coming back cuz he is NOT a citizen and is working illegally , was not there for his only daughters, that I know of, birth. Was sending money for a little bit but since she was born he kinda fell off the map. Now I feel like Im 'stuck' with this child. I seriously considered adoption to my ex-sister-in-law who I am still very close to and could continue to see her as she grew, but then knowing this is my only girl I selfioshly wanted to keep but as I said, now and then I get these 'trapped', 'unfair' feelings and I feel like the smallest piece of sh*t ever.... Some advice please..

by on Oct. 5, 2012 at 11:27 AM
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by on Oct. 5, 2012 at 11:50 AM
8 moms liked this
Umm... well.. you do what you think is best for you and this baby. I know its probobly hard on you, this is tuff. Just stay strong and take care of your daughter. She is YOURS. She is importent. You are not trapped with her, she is trapped with you. Remember that she didn't ask to be concieved. He will either help you out, and send money, or not. No biggie. You think I wanted to be a 15 teat old single mom to twins? Nope. But now I am 17 with 2 goregeous babies. It will all work out momma. Don't go around putting yourself down or reverting your daughter. All kids are a blessing. :)
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by Platinum Member on Oct. 5, 2012 at 2:38 PM

welcome  and big hugs!

by on Oct. 5, 2012 at 5:48 PM

That's rough. I'd strongly encourage you not to make any decisions until she is born. Assuming you're not considering abortion, you have plenty of time to sort everything out. 

A lot of people feel that way when they're pregnant and haven't bonded afraid that you'll never love the second one the way you love the first. That all goes out the window once you hold your baby in your arms. 

I wouldn't count much on BD's help, but you never know--maybe his mom or other family will be loving and supportive (assuming he's Hispanic? My ex is too, and his family is awesome with my kids).

Best of luck. 

by on Oct. 5, 2012 at 6:00 PM
4 moms liked this

Just give it some time.  I was separated from my ex when I was pregnant with my daughter because he was having an affair.  Right up to the day I had her, I was conflicted on whether or not I was making a huge mistake by having her.  But you know what?  She's 16 now, and the best thing that ever happened to me.  I grew my own best friend.  We are so much a like, and we just completely "get" one another.  Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and just tell myself, "Calm down, this the best gift you will ever receive, even if you can't see it yet." 

by on Oct. 5, 2012 at 6:11 PM
3 moms liked this
If you honestly dont think you love your child enough to do right by her, by all means put her up for adoption. She didnt ask to be conceived, but she defintely deserves to be raised by someone who will fully love and provide for it. Think and pray hard and do what you truly think is best for baby.
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by on Oct. 5, 2012 at 10:55 PM
4 moms liked this
I'll take her. Just kidding :) i would say that its not your daughter you resent but the situation youre in. Try focusing your resentment on dd daddy and not on her. And also if you are keeping her and really feel like you resent her then maybe try counseling. Just having someone to talk t might help.
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by on Oct. 5, 2012 at 11:19 PM
I think you just dont like the situation. Not your daughter just the postion you are in. My dd dad is from kenya. He has a visa on and off but still has to pay for her when he is in the US. I dont like the situation and she too is his only dd. But i would not trade it for the world!
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by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 9:10 AM
That's a really hard situation , first of all congrats on your pregnency. There have been plenty of moms who had that unexpected surprise. How far along are you? If you are considering adoption I would just talk to an agency or someone who knows about adoption. You know how hard having children is, and raising them . I don't want you to treat her different , or regret anything you decided to do.
But , I think you could manage , if you wanted to. Children are such blessings , and I'm sure you will love this little girl as soon as you see her face.
Good luck
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 9:23 AM
Welcome to the group! Do what's best for you and your child. If adoption is that option don't throw it out the window
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by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 9:27 AM
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Keep her.  You will grow to love her more and more.  She is yours, keep trying and you WILL bond with her.  If there is any question, do not let a family member adopt her, it will be harder on all of you knowing that she is yours.  Think of as she gets older and finds out you (auntie) are biomom, why wasn't she good enough to keep when you already had two boys?  When ex SIL parents in a way you don't approve of, will you be able to not say anything, being it is your daughter?  What will your boys say/feel/think?  How will you feel seeing her, bonding with her, what if you felt you made a mistake by giving her up?

We all have those feelings at some point.  I have a DS and divorced his father when he was very young, I questioned letting his father take him, thought it might be better for him.  Although things aren't always easy, I love him more than anything and am so glad I did things the way I did.  I also took on my stepdaughter, she isn't biologically mine and I have a lot of resentment toward her mother that has no responsibility to this child at all at this point.  While my life could be easier without my SD, it wouldn't be right.  She is mine too, I am her mom, and it took time but we have a great bond and I am very lucky she is in my life.

My final advice is keep her.  Keep trying, keep loving, encourage your boys to love her, and your love with grow through that as well.  Good luck.

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