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illegitmate child by an illegal alien

 Im a new member to this site and have, and have  since I found out I was pregnant, some conflicted feelings about recognizing my newest addition, my daughter, as a part of the family and loving her the way a parent should and taking care of her above and beyond the basic amt. of care required. Dont get me wrong, I feel TERRIBLE saying this and totally understand its not right and I dont always have these feelings towards her but at times I do and I cant help the fact that these feelings come up at times. A liltle history, I have two amazing sons by my ex-husband who is still in the picture and we share joint custody of them but during my divorce I was dating a great guy, so I thought, with 2 kids of his own who he raised on his own for roughly 10yrs. During our 4 months of dating my birth control had been recalled for 5 months of which I didnt get the letter from pharmacy until 2 months after I found out I was prego. He seemed happy, promised to stay around but had hard time finding work and kept returning to Texas for 2-4 months at a time to save money. I didnt really want a long-term relationship with this man as good as he seemed,l I was in middle of divorce for heavens sake. Needless to say, after going to Texas the last time he told me he wasn't coming back cuz he is NOT a citizen and is working illegally , was not there for his only daughters, that I know of, birth. Was sending money for a little bit but since she was born he kinda fell off the map. Now I feel like Im 'stuck' with this child. I seriously considered adoption to my ex-sister-in-law who I am still very close to and could continue to see her as she grew, but then knowing this is my only girl I selfioshly wanted to keep but as I said, now and then I get these 'trapped', 'unfair' feelings and I feel like the smallest piece of sh*t ever.... Some advice please..

by on Oct. 5, 2012 at 11:27 AM
Replies (11-20):
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 9:31 AM
My only suggestion is to take some time to think about it before making a decision. No matter who the father is you're still her mother and it is up to you to make the best decision for her well being wether it be to keep her or not. Good luck!
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 9:47 AM
It doesn't make you a bad person if you give her up. Go see a therapist.
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 10:09 AM
1 mom liked this

It sounds like you are grieving over the situation as you were led to believe.That was a pretty big shock to find out the man you loved was nothing like you thought. Give yourself time to grieve.

by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 10:39 AM
1 mom liked this
You need to do what is best for the child. And if you feel she might be better cared for and loved with your ex sil then let her adopt the baby. Or let someone else adopt the baby.
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 10:48 AM

I'm not a single mom this just showed on my CM "newsfeed" but I wanted to say I have a DH and two kids but DH works a lot and while he likes children he does not feel comfortable around babies it turns out.

I realize I had income help before you mention it But I felt very trapped, stuck with child, and even resentful after the birth of my children. Even more so because he was the one that "needed" children, not I. But with time, and not that much of it, and self growth, and a little bit of sucking it up and being grateful for what I had I was very happy I had my children. I considered even leaving and not keeping my first child as I felt I was just not motherly. But I feel like if you have ANY desire to keep the baby, those feelings will eventually overwhelm the desire to adopt the baby out and you will be happy to have her.Forget about her father, many a special child has a POS father.

If you feel its in the best emotional and finanical intrist for everyone then allow SIL to take her. Don't hate yourself for doing what is best for a child. Its a hard decision and like you said you will watch her grow. Just remember you can not raise her, no matter how close she is. The decision is yours and I don't think there is any right or wrong. Just better and best. You have to make the best decision your heart can make. You just have to trust yourself. KNow that one way or another it will get better and you all will be happy with or without her boarder hopping POS father. ALso why do you feel small? How could you have known? People MARRY people, live long lives with them, and never know they are serial killers. You've made such a small mistake compared to half the shit going on today. Nobody is perfect. And whatever mistakes that man is making have NOTHING to do with the worth of you and your child.

I feel really sad for you and I hope this works out for you. You're not small because you made a mistake, your just human, lady.

by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 11:43 AM

Wow. Starting out single does suck. I was pregnant at a time that I really was not prepared for a child, so I know those feelings. Think long term and above all, don't resent the baby. If you don't think you can part from her forever and think you can make the sacrifices necessary, then keep her. If you don't think you can give her the life she, as a human, deserves, then maybe adoption is the way to go. Ultimately, absolutely no one can tell you how to make this decision. It's all you, Hon. 

by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 11:54 AM

 Recognize that adoption is permenant. It is not a temporary solution until you get over or through your current situation. Adoption is also a choice made for the best inteersts of the child. It is a very base feeling that deep down inside, you are unable to provide- on every single level - the care needed and to provide for your baby. It is also a very self-less act.

It sounds like from your post that you have a very deep connection to your baby and are able to provide all that she needs but are feeling stuck at the present time. Not to mention more than a little pissed that the baby dad up and left.

If you are still considering adoption, may I suggest you contact a local licensed, non-profit adoption agency in your state. Options counseling is free of charge and there is never an obligation to place. The social worker will simply help and asist you in exploring your options.

Good luck to you!

by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 11:59 AM

shes 6 months old and you want to give her away? whats wrong with you?

by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:03 PM


by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:45 PM

I'd talk to a doctor about your feelings. Could be PPD??

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