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illegitmate child by an illegal alien

 Im a new member to this site and have, and have  since I found out I was pregnant, some conflicted feelings about recognizing my newest addition, my daughter, as a part of the family and loving her the way a parent should and taking care of her above and beyond the basic amt. of care required. Dont get me wrong, I feel TERRIBLE saying this and totally understand its not right and I dont always have these feelings towards her but at times I do and I cant help the fact that these feelings come up at times. A liltle history, I have two amazing sons by my ex-husband who is still in the picture and we share joint custody of them but during my divorce I was dating a great guy, so I thought, with 2 kids of his own who he raised on his own for roughly 10yrs. During our 4 months of dating my birth control had been recalled for 5 months of which I didnt get the letter from pharmacy until 2 months after I found out I was prego. He seemed happy, promised to stay around but had hard time finding work and kept returning to Texas for 2-4 months at a time to save money. I didnt really want a long-term relationship with this man as good as he seemed,l I was in middle of divorce for heavens sake. Needless to say, after going to Texas the last time he told me he wasn't coming back cuz he is NOT a citizen and is working illegally , was not there for his only daughters, that I know of, birth. Was sending money for a little bit but since she was born he kinda fell off the map. Now I feel like Im 'stuck' with this child. I seriously considered adoption to my ex-sister-in-law who I am still very close to and could continue to see her as she grew, but then knowing this is my only girl I selfioshly wanted to keep but as I said, now and then I get these 'trapped', 'unfair' feelings and I feel like the smallest piece of sh*t ever.... Some advice please..

by on Oct. 5, 2012 at 11:27 AM
Replies (21-30):
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 12:45 PM

Quoting Melanie420:

shes 6 months old and you want to give her away? whats wrong with you?

Well that's gonna help her make a better choice.


OP: Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Get some counseling or therapy asap.

by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:12 PM
Wow what a tough sit. I agree with some of the others on here. I think if you soul searched you might find you are more hurt, angry, anf resentfull of the situation the ex put u both in than u truly are of ur daughter. I truly believe that god send us our children as gifts and for purposes unbeknownst to us. My daughter was not born in the most ideal situation either but I dont know what I would ever do without her. That being said and I cant believe I am going to say this but if you truky feel you cant love her as you should or treat her the same as your boys then adoption might be the best option for you. Many adoptive parents are amazing at raising a child as there own and loving them no differently than if they had bore them biologically. Good luck to you. Please think hard about this decision though you cant change it once it is done. I think that you will find a gift in her if you give it time and an open heart and mind.
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by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 1:21 PM

Baby is already 6 months old.

Quoting Lurion:

That's rough. I'd strongly encourage you not to make any decisions until she is born. Assuming you're not considering abortion, you have plenty of time to sort everything out. 

A lot of people feel that way when they're pregnant and haven't bonded afraid that you'll never love the second one the way you love the first. That all goes out the window once you hold your baby in your arms. 

I wouldn't count much on BD's help, but you never know--maybe his mom or other family will be loving and supportive (assuming he's Hispanic? My ex is too, and his family is awesome with my kids).

Best of luck. 

by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 3:05 PM


by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 3:16 PM

Ok first off you're not a bad mom, I think more then anything you just feel betrayed by her father and since he's not around you have some resentment towards her. But you're aware of it and you know it's not fair to your daughter and you're seeking help that right there shows you care for this child and want her to feel loved all the time. That's a good mom.If you don't feel your heart that you're giving her everything a child deserves from a parent then (in my opinion) adoption is the way to go. 

by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 4:03 PM

First-hugs!!! I wish I knew exactly what to say to help you! (I wish I were your es SIL) Honestly, my best advice if to take a few days and reflect on your feelings. Then do what your gut is telling you to do! Just from reading what I read, it sounds like you have pretty much settled on adoption. Whatever you choose, take peace in it! Good Luck, momma! XOXO

by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 4:05 PM
1 mom liked this

Well, I think you need to separate your feelings towards him from your feelings towards her.  She is a product of your relationship with him, but she is not him.  The sooner you separate the two in your mind, the better.  To be totally honest, it seems like you are worrying more about yourself and your feelings towards this man than you are about your own daughter and her needs.  The situation is, you have this child now.  You need to stop focusing on yourself and how you feel trapped and start focusing more on what you can do to make her life better.  If you were busy being a good mom to her, you wouldn't have as much time to sit around thinking these "woe is me" thoughts, you know?  I know it sounds harsh, but if you are going to be her mom, you really need to snap out of it... and soon.  You've acknowledged your own feelings, now it is time to work to get past time.  If you aren't going to be mature enough to get past it, then maybe you should consider adoption.  Keeping her just becaus you wanted a girl is not enough.  You have to be willing to be her mom and to not let your ill feelings towards her father affect your parenting.

by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 4:07 PM

She is trying to make the best decision for her daughter.

Quoting Melanie420:

shes 6 months old and you want to give her away? whats wrong with you?

by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 4:11 PM

I don't think your "selfish" for wanting to keep your daughter, it's only natural because you love her. Also your not a piece of shit. It takes a big person to admit when they need help. Talk to your SIL and see how she feels about the situation. How old is your dd?

by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 4:35 PM


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