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Long-term solo, how does this affect my kids?

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I've been a single mom to my triplets since they were 4-months old.  The kids and I lived at my parents house until they were about 3 years old, but it's been just the 4 of us ever since. 

I've decided to go back to school part time on-line for a degree in Social Work.  I'm currently taking a class in Early Chidhood Development and another in Early Child Psychology.  Both classes have got me questioning the effect of not having a devoted, and engaged father in their lives.  He sees them a couple hours, one at a time on Saturdays, but that's the extent of it.  He doesn't offer to help with homework, ask about their activities, attend their sport or dancing events.  He's a present body in the room, but not much thoughtful disucussion.  It's pretty much video games or time spent with older sibling (angry pre-pubescent teen).

I try to put myself in their shoes and imagine my life without my father, and it's very sad.  My father was always a constant in my life and cared about my activities, my schooling and my well being.  He is also a great Grandpa to my children.  Thankfully he only lives a few streets down and very involved with my kid's.  We see both he and my mom a couple times a week.  I hope that my dad (Grandpa) has been able to fill part of the void left by their father.  The kids have asked in the past why Daddy doesn't invite us to do things more, and they have recently started declining their visits to have play dates with friends, or just hang out with Mom :-). 

If any of you have grown up in homes with one parent, can you help me understand what they may be feeling, and what I can do to help them.  It's been almost 12 years.  Should I start putting myself out there on dating sites?  I don't have a burning desire to be with anyone, because my life is so busy right now with workign full time, raising the kids and taking classes.  Although, it would be nice to have a companion before I'm old and haggard!  Would this be a benefit to my kids lives, or would it create a difficult dynamic?  I'm just concerned about their happiness and positive development.  My textbooks are stressing the importance of a positive role model.  I feel my father hellps, but he is starting to slow down a bit after a bout with cancer.  He is recovering, but that whole ordeal really made me stop and think about how lost the kids and I would be without him.

Any thoughts/advice would be appreciated.


by on Oct. 7, 2012 at 2:08 PM
Replies (31-33):
LoveMyTrio
by on Oct. 9, 2012 at 9:58 PM

It seems like there is a pattern here of children who grow up with one parent end up being a single parent themselves.  Maybe I can write about that for my psych class! lol

Thank you for responding to my post.  I appreciate your thoughts on happiness being what matters.  I agree wholeheartedly.  I'm sure it hurt when your absent father promised you the world and then yanked the carpet out from under you.  THey really have no idea what damage they are doing do they?

Quoting SevysMomma:

I could write about this for hours on end. Unfortunately I was put into a situation of never having a father growing up. It affected me. Scary even, to think there are things I find out even at my age now (24) that it has affected that I didn't even know about. And now I am raising my own child in a same situation.

Having a father is a great thing. I don't feel it's required. Having no dad is better than having a terrible dad. I am still alive, I am still breathing.

I think the most important thing to remember is, that if YOU are happy, your kids will be as well. They need YOU to be the best you can, so focus on that instead of the negative.

Honestly, it took a long time for me to "come around". It happened when I was 20, my grandmother passed away. My bio dad's mother. We were actually very close. I remember at first I cried for hours because all I could think was "it's finally that time" to meet my dad. I was a little girl again.  Long story short, we hugged, cried and he promised me the world. Never spoke again after that except a couple letters. I was okay finally, at peace with not having a father. I realized that I had been doing fine without him all those years. 

Now I am raising a "half-orphan" - it's really hard for me to see  and knlw the same things I felt, he will too. But I think I am prepared. My son will know all the love in the world.


MamaHens3
by on Oct. 16, 2012 at 8:21 PM

They won't take it personally, I didn't take it personal with my father aka sperm donor. He missed out in my growing up, seeing my mile stones and leting my mother enjoy them all. :) I think of my ex bf, my youngest dad in that aspect. He is missing out, she doesn't know him what so ever and he lives no lie a mile to 2 miles away.

I wish I was still married, I don't like being a single parent yet same time don't hate it. It is what it is, and my grandparents on my moms side had a long lasting marriage before my gma passsed on. My god parents, my fathers sister and husband have been together over 30 yrs. I have good examples of marriage, its been meeting the wrong people is all. *shrug*. I'm not in a hurry in a push to "omg I need someone to be with!", I need to work on myself vs anything not really focusing on the love aspect. I have an its complicated, with someone relationship that keeps me filled in that area. Oh gosh.. lmao did not mean it THAT WAY lol. 

Quoting LoveMyTrio:

Thank you for your honesty.  I'm sure they will have some "daddy issues" as well as they grow up.  They can see his inattentiveness. I just hope they don't take it personlally.  They are certainly loved the world over! 

Quoting MamaHens3:

I was raised by a single mother, I grew up with my grandparents around her parents. I had my father sister, and her huband who are my god parents. I had my uncle around, my aunts first husbands. I was raised with love, seeing it but with age I saw the lack of MY FATHER figure. When you hear people say my dad, daddy as a single parented child you wonder "where's my dad?". I know of my father, but he wasn't around at all truly. I had phone calls every blue moon, at 8 I saw him once and then 13 saw him again. I grew up fine, my mom's father is now 86 and he's my father truly. He's been around so long, all my life and my kids know him as a male figure.

My three older kids have my XDH, but my youngest she has no father figure. I am not worried about men with me, that could be her 'father". I have my grandfather, my uncle is around and I have guy friends who are JUST FRIENDS honestly. An a male role isn't someone with us, a mother it's someone who is a good example. I grew up fine, I have some daddy issues won't even lie YET i'm good. :) 



LoveMyTrio
by on Oct. 17, 2012 at 10:34 PM

LOL - I didn't take it that way.  I feel like you do.  A relationship takes effort, and the kids need all that time and energy right now, so it's not in the cards.  They keep me so busy that I don't even notice it - although I expect I'll be feeling a bit lonely around the holidays (I'm the only single person in my family).  Like you, my parents have been married for over 35 years, my grandparents on both sides stood the test of time, it's just the times I think.  No one values commitment anymore, no one puts in the effort.  It's sad, but it is what it is.  :-)

Quoting MamaHens3:

They won't take it personally, I didn't take it personal with my father aka sperm donor. He missed out in my growing up, seeing my mile stones and leting my mother enjoy them all. :) I think of my ex bf, my youngest dad in that aspect. He is missing out, she doesn't know him what so ever and he lives no lie a mile to 2 miles away.

I wish I was still married, I don't like being a single parent yet same time don't hate it. It is what it is, and my grandparents on my moms side had a long lasting marriage before my gma passsed on. My god parents, my fathers sister and husband have been together over 30 yrs. I have good examples of marriage, its been meeting the wrong people is all. *shrug*. I'm not in a hurry in a push to "omg I need someone to be with!", I need to work on myself vs anything not really focusing on the love aspect. I have an its complicated, with someone relationship that keeps me filled in that area. Oh gosh.. lmao did not mean it THAT WAY lol. 

Quoting LoveMyTrio:

Thank you for your honesty.  I'm sure they will have some "daddy issues" as well as they grow up.  They can see his inattentiveness. I just hope they don't take it personlally.  They are certainly loved the world over! 

Quoting MamaHens3:

I was raised by a single mother, I grew up with my grandparents around her parents. I had my father sister, and her huband who are my god parents. I had my uncle around, my aunts first husbands. I was raised with love, seeing it but with age I saw the lack of MY FATHER figure. When you hear people say my dad, daddy as a single parented child you wonder "where's my dad?". I know of my father, but he wasn't around at all truly. I had phone calls every blue moon, at 8 I saw him once and then 13 saw him again. I grew up fine, my mom's father is now 86 and he's my father truly. He's been around so long, all my life and my kids know him as a male figure.

My three older kids have my XDH, but my youngest she has no father figure. I am not worried about men with me, that could be her 'father". I have my grandfather, my uncle is around and I have guy friends who are JUST FRIENDS honestly. An a male role isn't someone with us, a mother it's someone who is a good example. I grew up fine, I have some daddy issues won't even lie YET i'm good. :) 




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