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Should a 3 Year Old Attend a Funeral?

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Question: Woud you let him go?

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Yes

No

Only If I Went With Him


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So...a while ago, my ex TOLD me that he was taking my son to a funeral.  I told him I didn't think appropriate...the argument was cut short when I found out that the woman (his paternal grandmother) hadn't even died yet!!!  This was two months ago.

Well...she died Friday.  The funeral is Saturday.

Since my last argument with my ex and his new gf (an escort) in early September, I havent heard from either of them about the funearl again.

Well my ex mother in law called me last night.  Not knowing any better, I answer the phone.  She proceeds to tell me that she wants to take Devyn to the funeral on Saturday and asked if I can meet her in Orageburg on Friday.

For the first time in my life, I didn't beat around the bush.  I flat out said...no, I don't think its appropriate for a 3 year old to go to a funeral.  She gets quiet and tells me that she doesn't see a problem with him going and that I am welcome to come if I fear for his safety....clearly she isn't getting it so I ask her if Devyn has ever met the deceased...she says no...I say so...don't you think its strange to take a 3 year old to a funeral for someone he has never met?  She spends another two minutes or so justifying it and then tells me to think about it.

I have a pretty decent relationship with her.  I bring Devyn to her whenever she is in town and she does little things for him (sends him money a few times a year, buys him presents on Christmas and birthday) and I really hate to ruin the relationship but it also upsets me that she doesn't acknowledge that I as a mother am saying that I don't feel comfortable with it and she keeps pushing.

What would you guys do?

by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 9:39 AM
Replies (261-270):
specialwingz
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 10:04 AM

Because a funeral is not exactly a typical 3 year old activity.  Duh!  Most people I know that have taken their small children did so simply because they didn't have a choice (sitter).  Can you actually name ANY truly GOOD reason the child SHOULD go to this funeral?

Quoting sha_lyn68:

Why do you think it is odd for the father and grandmother to want to take the boy to his great grandmother's funeral? There is absolutely nothing odd about it other than the OPs reaction.

Quoting specialwingz:

I think it's more about someone asking to take the 3 year old to a funeral.  It's not like his mom is going to a funeral of a close family member and not sure about taking the child.  It's someone ASKING her to take HER child to a funeral.  I find that odd and highly inappropriate.

Quoting boeks:

I took my son to at least two funerals befor he was 5. He was very good for me. I think young children understand better what's going on and respond well. I've seen several small children at funerals and they seem to be more concerned with making people feel better then causing trouble.




specialwingz
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 10:06 AM
1 mom liked this

No...it's STRANGE to ask to take a 3 year old to a funeral at all.  There is NO GOOD reason why this child should have to go at all.

Quoting FindersKeepers:

The child's father and his family want to take the 3yr old to a funeral... it is not a stranger asking.

Quoting specialwingz:

I think it's more about someone asking to take the 3 year old to a funeral.  It's not like his mom is going to a funeral of a close family member and not sure about taking the child.  It's someone ASKING her to take HER child to a funeral.  I find that odd and highly inappropriate.

Quoting boeks:

I took my son to at least two funerals befor he was 5. He was very good for me. I think young children understand better what's going on and respond well. I've seen several small children at funerals and they seem to be more concerned with making people feel better then causing trouble.




Ihold8Stars
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 10:08 AM
Good idea. But it may be to that for whatever reason be it his great grandma was sick maybe she lived somewhere the son couldn't meet her at... We don't have details so ppl should try to not let personal life over think n add to ops post..

Some cultures believe the persons soul lingers until after the funeral an that they see all of the loved ones so maybe the family feels great grandma can see him before she's gone forever.

My family we always have kids there let me state I have a huge family so funerals happen! My grandmother had 9 children my moms the youngest there's 32 of us cousins just round my age! And all of us have multiple children.

What we do is no small kids can go up unless they ask to an mostly it's curiosity the kids are so happy to see each other they spend more time laughing n playing and honestly it helps us grown ups realize how short life is and that we might not all like each other but lifes to short to hate so make the best of this life.

I think ppl who had bad exp with mil will see this different as will single moms who have horrible abusive or neglectful exs.. Btw been there n only one punished by keeping the anger is yourself.. Move on and don't expect bad cuz there are good guys out there you just rushed in the first time:) don't let a man harden your heart ladies.


Quoting RLT2:

I wouldn't let him go to the funeral. I would however let him go to the "luncheon" afterwards.  Probably, what she really wants, is to introduce him to family members/friends that have never seen him, or haven't seen him in a while.


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LeifsMom04
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 10:08 AM

 It's not a matter of whether or not they will cause trouble.  I see no purpose in exposing a young child to this before it is absolutely necessary.  My son is 8, I still won't let him go to a funeral.

needadvice1983
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 10:08 AM
Well as far as age goes I don't see a problem with taking a three year old to a funeral. We took my kids to my grandmas last year and they were 1,3 and 5. They did just fine. But for this it seems silly. He didn't know the lady who passed and it's not dads day to have him so I don't see why he would have to go. I think if you aren't comfortable with it and it's not dads day to have him then there is no point in him going at all.
charmed_423
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 10:11 AM

I would explain the best I could what happened but I would not let her see it. My mother is dying and it wont be long now and I REFUSE to take her into the funeral home and have her ask me why Mimi wont wake up. I would be more apt to take her if it were a stranger vs a family member. When my mother dies I will explain to her that Mimi has gone away but I would never let her see her that way. My nana died when I was 11 and I went to the funeral  and when I think of her now all I see is the casket, I wont do that to my daughter. If she were older I would let her make the decision but at 3 my personal choice is no...just no..

Quoting sha_lyn68:


Quoting charmed_423:

My daughter is way to understanding of things, I would definitely not because I really wouldn't want to have to explain death to her at 3...my personal opinion. It would make me want to take her less if it was someone she knew...I wouldn't know how to explain

So what in the world would you say to your daughter if someone she knew died? Would you hope she didn't notice that the person was no longer around. what would you tell her when she asked where the person was? Would you avoid seeing other family members or going to the deceased person's home so your daughter wouldn't realize the person was gone?


specialwingz
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 10:13 AM
2 moms liked this

I never said it was a stranger.  And, I don't care if it IS the child's father and grandmother asking.  They are ASKING to take a 3 year old child to a funeral.  It's not like they are asking to take the child to a family picnic.  For God's sake, it's a funeral!  I wouldn't take a 3 year old unless I absolutely had to!  People keep saying to the OP that the child's father should have the right to take the child to the funeral.  OK....what about her right to say NO as the mother.  If she is the custodial parent, which apparently she is since the father seems to have to ask, she has the stronger say in this matter.

Quoting WildLilli:

It is his father and grandmother... Not some stranger.


Quoting specialwingz:

I think it's more about someone asking to take the 3 year old to a funeral.  It's not like his mom is going to a funeral of a close family member and not sure about taking the child.  It's someone ASKING her to take HER child to a funeral.  I find that odd and highly inappropriate.

Quoting boeks:

I took my son to at least two funerals befor he was 5. He was very good for me. I think young children understand better what's going on and respond well. I've seen several small children at funerals and they seem to be more concerned with making people feel better then causing trouble.




RLT2
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 10:14 AM


Quoting Ihold8Stars:

Good idea. But it may be to that for whatever reason be it his great grandma was sick maybe she lived somewhere the son couldn't meet her at... We don't have details so ppl should try to not let personal life over think n add to ops post..

Some cultures believe the persons soul lingers until after the funeral an that they see all of the loved ones so maybe the family feels great grandma can see him before she's gone forever.

My family we always have kids there let me state I have a huge family so funerals happen! My grandmother had 9 children my moms the youngest there's 32 of us cousins just round my age! And all of us have multiple children.

What we do is no small kids can go up unless they ask to an mostly it's curiosity the kids are so happy to see each other they spend more time laughing n playing and honestly it helps us grown ups realize how short life is and that we might not all like each other but lifes to short to hate so make the best of this life.

I think ppl who had bad exp with mil will see this different as will single moms who have horrible abusive or neglectful exs.. Btw been there n only one punished by keeping the anger is yourself.. Move on and don't expect bad cuz there are good guys out there you just rushed in the first time:) don't let a man harden your heart ladies.


Quoting RLT2:

I wouldn't let him go to the funeral. I would however let him go to the "luncheon" afterwards.  Probably, what she really wants, is to introduce him to family members/friends that have never seen him, or haven't seen him in a while.


I don't think I was letting my personal life influence my opinion. I'm not clear on why you seem to think I'm "punishing myself by keeping anger" and what exactly am I supposed to move on from? My reply is about as bland and anger free as it gets. It seems like maybe you were directing this comment at the group in general, but why then did you quote my comment? I'm a little confused here.

devynsmommy09
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 10:16 AM

I am willing to let him go spend time with the other half of his family, I'm just not sold on the funeral.  The child's father shows up a few times a year and expects to take my child 1.5 hours away to a funeral.  Negative.  He doesn't even have a working phone right now.  If it were just his father, it would be a no...hands down.   

The MIL does make an effort to call and see him, mostly on/around holidays.  She is much more responsible than the father and we have a better relationship.  With her my apprehension is that I feel like as his mother, Death is something that I should be talking to him about, not anyone else.  Ive only been going to church for a few months so I can't relay it to him via religion.  And since we don't know the deceased, he still isnt going to understand even if I try!  How can you miss something that was never there?

Quoting sha_lyn68:

Why do you think it is odd for the father and grandmother to want to take the boy to his great grandmother's funeral? There is absolutely nothing odd about it other than the OPs reaction.

Quoting specialwingz:

I think it's more about someone asking to take the 3 year old to a funeral.  It's not like his mom is going to a funeral of a close family member and not sure about taking the child.  It's someone ASKING her to take HER child to a funeral.  I find that odd and highly inappropriate.

Quoting boeks:

I took my son to at least two funerals befor he was 5. He was very good for me. I think young children understand better what's going on and respond well. I've seen several small children at funerals and they seem to be more concerned with making people feel better then causing trouble.




sha_lyn68
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 10:22 AM

I've already spelled out my reasons in another answer (my cousins who never saw a dead body until they were in their 30s freaked out when our grandmother died. I gave a very detailed explination in my first post to this thread) and others on here have given very good reasons also. 

When a family member dies and there is a 3 yr old in the family, yes a funeral should be a typical activity.

Quoting specialwingz:

Because a funeral is not exactly a typical 3 year old activity.  Duh!  Most people I know that have taken their small children did so simply because they didn't have a choice (sitter).  Can you actually name ANY truly GOOD reason the child SHOULD go to this funeral?

Quoting sha_lyn68:

Why do you think it is odd for the father and grandmother to want to take the boy to his great grandmother's funeral? There is absolutely nothing odd about it other than the OPs reaction.

Quoting specialwingz:

I think it's more about someone asking to take the 3 year old to a funeral.  It's not like his mom is going to a funeral of a close family member and not sure about taking the child.  It's someone ASKING her to take HER child to a funeral.  I find that odd and highly inappropriate.

Quoting boeks:

I took my son to at least two funerals befor he was 5. He was very good for me. I think young children understand better what's going on and respond well. I've seen several small children at funerals and they seem to be more concerned with making people feel better then causing trouble.





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